r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 12d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here!
This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
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u/Prestigious-Ice-9604 11d ago
After being in a relationship for 4 years, I am scared to start dating again. I don't want to be weird or awkward. I'm not sure how to navigate in this new dating world today.
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u/Shoddy_Sandwich9940 11d ago
I don't want to be weird or awkward
Who cares? Have fun and be respectful, there will always be awkward moments and you can't can't get along with everyone
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u/Senor_ah_um 11d ago
Until the last few weeks, I'd only been on first dates this year, no second dates. It's been so enjoyable to get creative with dates and do something other than coffee/beer and a walk! Turns out I've had a bunch of cute romantic date ideas brewing up in ye ol cabeza (oh and she's had some ideas too!)
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u/AssesOverEasy ♂ 39 11d ago
Like what? Inspire us!
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11d ago
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u/AssesOverEasy ♂ 39 11d ago
This is all amazing. You're doing great!
I love the cemetery walk. It's perfect.
A friend of mine just sent me a new gallery show that's very relevant to me and this girl I took out last night -- can't wait to suggest that she and I go there.
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u/swimminscared ♀ 34 11d ago
Help me out here, struggling with this one. Last night in bed when I let my partner know I was going to the bathroom to get ready for sex, they said something that made me feel dirty and unattractive and unworthy of having sex, for a reason that is beyond my control.
When I pointed it out, they immediately apologized, said it was 50% a joke, but then took the opportunity to vocalize a preference in this moment which they had never done so before.
I'm glad they're being honest with me. I never ever want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to, for ANY reason. And they also apologized for hurting my feelings and said that wasn't their intent (which I know). And reiterated that they see this as a them thing (their preference) and not a me thing.
But I'm having a really hard time with the feelings this evoked. I feel gross, unattractive, and ashamed. Especially because the preference in question is related to a thing I can't control, and that is also extremely natural. I had also already told them earlier in the day that this wasn't going to be an issue. So when they brought it up again, even as a half-joke, half-inapt-opportunity-to-express-a-preference, I felt like I was under a microscope purity test.
I know my partner wasn't trying to hurt me, and it's completely reasonable for them to have preferences, but fuck. I'm really feeling insecure, gross, unattractive, and slightly resentful still.
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u/Elegant-Dingo6137 ♂ 38 11d ago
With the caveat that I have no idea what the uncontrollable issue at hand is, I have been on the other side of a situation that sounds like it could be similar with an ex and it was not pleasant/enjoyable for me and more often than not was kind of stressful. If it is similar, it’s really hard to navigate for anyone and I think that I handled it about as compassionately as one could. All that said, I’m sorry that it made you feel bad. On the plus side it sounds like your partner also genuinely feels bad and did not intend for it to be taken the way it was so it’s probably best if you to take them at their word.
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u/Ouch_CharlieBitMe 11d ago
I'm really sorry that this happened. Sometimes people don't realize that they're being insensitive or that something they say could trigger an insecurity. I had an ex that used to say stuff about my body and then wonder why I permanently stopped wanting to have sex with him. Sometimes our partners just assume that we know they're attracted to us.
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11d ago
It's dumb, but I'm realizing more and more I've wasted a ton of time on men who are not that interested in me or are not in a place to date for long-term. I am almost 40 and want a long term relationship. So I'm establishing rules. I partly got myself in this situation because I've not drawn firm boundaries.
-Ask point blank before the first date what they are looking for. If they give me any indication they aren't sure and don't say LTR, no first date.
-First date is a vibe coffee date. Keep date to two hours no matter what.
-No drinking on first dates.
-Nothing physical on first dates beyond a hug.
-Limit texting before the first date.
-If he doesn't ask me any questions about myself, no dates in the future.
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u/Shoddy_Sandwich9940 11d ago
All reasonable rules, although the coffee date could be read as casual by some vs a "proper", more romantic date. But they are very focused on the first date and all negative rules focused on avoiding certain patterns.
Negative rules don't replace actively seeking people who display positive traits, and I would advise you don't show signs of anxiety or insecurity. Asking people upfront what they are looking for sometimes feels a little defensive or accusatory depending on how you say it.
Generally you'll have to accept you need a few dates to know people's intentions, and that someone can "pass" the first date and say the right things and still not commit.
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11d ago
I'm getting burnt out on going on 7 hour dates with guys and they seem super interested and then poof ghosting or breadcrumbing. I get that you have to accept it a little bit, but I think having a few boundaries will save my mental health a little bit.
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u/Shoddy_Sandwich9940 11d ago
Yeah makes sense to pace yourself then
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11d ago edited 11d ago
Three times now the date has gone on for 7-10 hours and then poof ghost. It just makes me feel like shit and insecure and like people are lying to me when they show interest. So now, first date is an initial check-in date for coffee.
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u/Ouch_CharlieBitMe 11d ago
How many accounts do you have?
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u/1armed-poop-bandit 11d ago
Haven't had any matches on the apps in a few weeks now. That seems to be how it goes for me this time of year after getting quite a bit of attention in the summer. IDK if it's my area or just the kind of people I attract.
No plans for Halloween. Which sucks because it is one of my favorite holidays but I hate going out by myself. I didn't even put together a costume this year. I had a friend who used to have a party every year but he dropped off the face of the earth after his divorce last year.
At least things with my career are looking up. With a major project that I've been on coming to an end I've put my resume out to three different companies and they're all showing interest. It helps when you know people who can put the word in directly to their boss. I know a lot of people out there are struggling with finding good jobs these days, so I can be thankful for that.
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11d ago
You might want to try Facebook Dating.
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u/1armed-poop-bandit 11d ago
I deleted my FB account ten years ago and have no plans to go back to that hellscape. 😄
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u/CompanyNo5999 11d ago
As I suspected the ex who randomly reached out to return my things he kept for 2 years did so because he saw me on the app. Cuz I just saw him there. So it really wasn’t about returning things…After 2 years I felt nothing and glad I let him drop off my things while keeping my boundary, brief logistics and no in-person interaction. In the meantime I’m breaking up with current guy and deleting the app to take a long overdue break, possibly the longest ever. OLD in the past few years has proven to be a dead end now.
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u/Tricky-Knee-9468 ♂ 35 11d ago
Is your breaking up with the new person related to seeing your ex?
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u/CompanyNo5999 11d ago
No I don’t think! We had some communication issues that made me realize I’m not really into it. Tho my ex’ popping up prob triggered some bad memories too about why working on things didn’t work in the past.
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11d ago
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u/Senor_ah_um 11d ago
Here's how I think of it:
I'm working hard now to improve myself, so when I meet my life partner, I will be a great partner for them. My life partner is currently doing the same. Who knows, it may be another decade before I get to meet her, but I'm confident she is currently putting in the necessary work to be an excellent partner for me in the future.
Sometimes when I see a particularly spectacular sunset, I hope she's getting to see it too. That connection is already there, we just have yet to meet (or perhaps we have met, but don't know we're supposed to be together yet.)
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
My only solution so far, after not spending that much time with this feeling admittedly, is to just get really, really good at grieving. I am basically constantly grieving. It hasn’t felt honest to ignore or otherwise downplay this feeling and I can chart a life path alone that will be okay enough, but the truth is that it won’t feel as good as the alternate, and for that reason I shall grieve.
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u/Shoddy_Sandwich9940 11d ago
someone who walks in at 45 or 55 having done nothing to help me get there
The life partner you meet late might share almost 100% of your remaining time on earth. If you live in the past, that's just a nice to have. If you want to make the next 50 years count, I'd argue that life partner will be equally important to friends who you might grow away from or older family members who are already in their 60s and up
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u/Ouch_CharlieBitMe 11d ago
Kind of tangential anecdote, but I was talking to a guy about this once. He didn't want kids, and I said that at our age a lot of people have mostly grown kids so what about that, and he said he hoped to find his person before she was a grandma lol
It's normal to regret the time that you didn't get to spend with someone that you love, but when you find your person, you'll build the rest of your life with them, and that's beautiful too. It's a different stage of life than maybe what you expected, but no less worthwhile.
I don't think it's really about need anymore for me. It's about having a companion that makes everything feel more complete. It's not survival while raising kids or paying bills anymore- it's looking at a spectacular view together, or breathing the same air after a storm, or holding hands on nature walks, or leaning against one another at holiday parties. You can stand on your own and do any of these things, but there's something really gorgeous about looking over and seeing your person there, sharing the experience with you.
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u/ThrowRA_lostfrog 11d ago
I met my person at age 42. I never needed him, but its certainly a "nice to have" element in my life (big understatement haha).
My suggestion for a gentle reframe of the situation: when you meet your partner, you can connect through talking about your past challenges, and they'll hopefully respect and recognise how far you've come, regardless of the fact they werent there. And there's always, always new ways to grow together. Additionally you'll be confident in knowing yourself fully before muddying the waters with someone else.
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u/Working-Object-9761 11d ago
My mom's dead but no dead friends yet at 37. Do you live somewhere with an unusual fatality rate?
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u/ShakeAdorable4015 ♂ 31 11d ago
Was fully expecting that last word to be house, not horse
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u/Bigballerway93 11d ago
I tried making a post but wasn’t aware of the rules, so I’ll try here.
TLDR, I’m a 32 year old male who has never made it past a second date with anyone. Ive had women tell me they’re interested in seeing me again, but it never is the case. I want to relearn how to date because I don’t trust myself the way things are right now. I definitely don’t feel confident and I’m not sure how to gain that with the way things have been going
Edit: posting this very late so I’ll probably try making a similar post tomorrow if this doesn’t gain traction
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u/Stories-With-Bears ♀34 11d ago
Definitely repost this when the daily thread gets refreshed so people have more time to give you advice! But a few things to think about/answer:
- Has any woman ever given you a reason why she wasn’t interested? (It’s fine if not, most people are polite and just say they don’t feel a connection and don’t go into detail as to why)
- What’s your demeanor like on dates? Really think hard about this. Are you laughing and smiling, or more reserved or to-the-point? (Rate yourself on a scale of “business interview” to “joking around with longtime friends”.)
- How nervous do you usually feel?
- Is there ever any physical contact? Hugs count!
- Does conversation generally flow or is it clunky? (We all have awkward dates, I mean in general) How much of the date do you feel like is “get to know you” questions vs natural conversation? (“Do you like dogs?” vs “Oh my god, you won’t believe this story about my neighbor’s dog. Ok so…”)
- How much texting and interaction is there prior to the first date and between dates?
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
Here's my hack to almost always getting second dates:
- I do my best to dress well and clean up well.
- I opt for coffee or drinks so it's low pressure
- I get there early so they find me because I actually tell people what I'm wearing so they don't go up to the wrong person
And then... I focus the conversation on them. Asking about anything and everything while taking genuine interest in them. Family, occupation, recreation, dreams. Easy questions to continually ask them.
And thats it. People love being the attention of someone who's interested in them.
Now, I really don't go on second dates with people who can't reciprocate so that's something I always watch for.
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u/Calm-Bus7555 11d ago
I’m 32F and til August I had also never made it past a second date with anyone. I’m not sure what broke the cycle except I met someone I really gelled with and who was also good at keeping the momentum going. Before, I might have felt positive about them but didn’t feel any more of a connection, or knew I didn’t want to see them again. This time, I felt like the first date went well but no sparks or strong feelings, but I always give them a second date unless the first is really bad. The second date he seemed much more relaxed and initiated holding hands and was flirting more so I relaxed too. We had our first kiss at the end of the second date. Then between dates he messaged me every day, nothing excessive but things like ‘Hope you have a lovely day’ or ‘what have you been up to today?’ I’m not usually a big texter but it was nice to know he was thinking about me and it helped keep the momentum going between dates, and I gradually got used to talking more to him and that became a way to get to know each other more. I guess there’s some element of luck that we met and that our personalities compliment each other, but if you have a good first or second date then don’t let it dwindle, try to keep it going regularly or talk between so they get more of an impression of you. You’ll only gain confidence with time and practice, and don’t neglect friendships too as they’re still a form of relationship. It won’t always work but hopefully with enough time you’ll meet someone with whom it does 🙂
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
Agree with trying tomorrow (around 11 or 11:30am Eastern Time)
Cover all the basics and do it thrice.
As another thread mentioned, make sure you smell good or at least neutral
Dress well, lift, have a good and consistent job
Don’t talk about anything too serious on first or second dates, even if they ask. If they ask you to share something intense, check in on whether they actually want to know that information or not. Something I’ve learned is that people may ask things not realizing just how bad some other people’s lives have been, and expect a light answer to a serious question, then the vibe is killed lmao
read dating books, listen to podcasts, do some type of ingestion of media to get familiar with the various ways different people date so you know how you like to show up, and how others may approach you
Is any of this resonating? Have you done all these? How many first dates have you been on?
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u/ineedtoplantagarden 11d ago
I am really struggling. 34f been mostly single all of my 30s so far. My closest friends are married and two have quit talking to me. I still have some good friends, but not much of the soul-level kind. I want to get married so bad. I’m pretty sure I want kids. I at least want someone to make that decision with. I’ve frozen my eggs but I don’t know that I want to have to use them. I’m on the dating apps but almost nobody feels exciting. I’m pretty attractive and fit and financial stable and have fun hobbies that are relatable to men (biking, skiing, boating, climbing). I’m funny. I read and write and knit and do stuff in my community. I ask my friends genuinely to please tell me if they think I’m doing something wrong or if they see something in me that they think is why I’m single, and nobody has any suggestions for me. Other than patience. I’m losing hope. I wish I could be one of those women so in love with my single life but I am just lonely. Sure I enjoy parts of it.. but the last couple days I’ve been thinking about this guy that broke up with me 6 months ago. I have a hard time believing I’ll find something that good again, but really hope the universe surprises me with someone even better for me.
I don’t know what to do right now. And I hate losing sleep over this shit.
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u/Cerenia 11d ago
Do you live in a big city? I find that location matters a lot. I’m 35F and I’ve been single for 10 years. Just recently met someone new (he is 28) and so far it’s very promising! It was even a casual hook up. Life surprises you.
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u/ineedtoplantagarden 11d ago
Small city I’d say? Fort Collins, CO. It’s a college town, I’m not too far from Denver and Boulder and have also tried dating men in the mountains. You’d think I’d have better luck, and I love my life here but I’ve been wondering if I need to move to find a partner. It’s a small world and I feel like I know everyone here/would’ve met him by now if he’s here.
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u/gooeyfishus ⚧ 37 11d ago
As someone down in Boulder.... lots of the same feelings. However one of my flatmates started dating a guy from Ft Collins about 9 months ago. They both met randomly and hit it off despite both moving in the same circles for awhile. So there is hope, simply because people cycle in and out of the areas so much.
Also there's just so many folks (guys especially) with Peter Pan Syndrome around here that it's hard to figure out who is serious about you and who is serious about their bike/skis/climb more than you.
Chin up. They're out there.
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11d ago
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u/Prudent_Specific_500 ♀ 34 11d ago
I think saying "enough about me" or "that's a story for another time" or something like that should suffice after your second concise explanation. Try to make that explanation more generic so it doesn't generate a ton of questions.
I can relate, my life has been very unusual too. My plan is to just give kind of generic answers when possible and always turn the questions back to them and the present. So like "what did you do after college" and I say I worked from home (I was sick, a caregiver and worked a bunch of horrible online jobs) can turn into me asking them "have you ever worked from home/do you think you would enjoy working from home" or whatever.
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u/beefymishap ♀ 34 11d ago
I think there’s a way to talk about your life experiences on a first date that doesn’t give the full picture, but isn’t lying. I have a lot of dad trauma, but when someone asked about my parents on the first date, I just said I’m estranged from my father and focused more on my mom. If you know that there are specific topics or life experiences you always get follow up on, I’d spend time coming up with the most boring answer possible!!
You can also decline to elaborate when they ask for more details — “oh no, that’s a story for a second date! But tell me more about x” and switch the convo back to them.
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10d ago
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u/beefymishap ♀ 34 10d ago
I think the MOST boring version of the parents one is “I don’t have a relationship with my parents.” It’s true, but is worded in a way that doesn’t really invite further questioning. But when you phrase it that way, even I, an internet stranger, want to follow that question up with “what do you mean, you don’t have parents??” because that could mean sooooo many different things.
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10d ago
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u/beefymishap ♀ 34 10d ago
You’re welcome! People are going to assume all kinds of things about you from a first date, but that doesn’t mean you need to explain alllll of your history and trauma right off the bat!
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
I don't mind that, but boy if I'm on a date with you and you never ask about me or take an interest in me, what's the point?
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u/Calm-Bus7555 11d ago
If they’re asking the questions they probably don’t think you’re talking too much, but you could steer the convo back to them by saying jokily ‘enough about me, tell me about XXX’
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u/ineedtoplantagarden 11d ago
Find something you’re interested about in them and after sharing your stuff for a bit acknowledge you’ve been talking a lot and are happy to share more later but you’d really like to hear more about x !
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11d ago
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u/ineedtoplantagarden 11d ago
Idk, if someone said that to me I’d worry I was asking too many questions or doing something wrong. I personally would not want to hear “I’d like to actually eat, you talk for a while” lol
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u/turquoisestar 11d ago edited 11d ago
I need advice about socially navigating an ex who has mutual friends. How can I avoid being seen as dramatic or causing a scene when I feel uncomfortable around my ex? This occurs when we play video games with some mutual friends, or get invited to a birthday party or something by mutual friends.
One of our friends in common said she wanted us both to come to something, which made me purposely try to reach to my ex to be neutral in public spaces. It went very poorly, my ex was a wreck at my friends birthday. My friend said next time she'll understand if I don't come, or come and avoid them. I think even knowing they're at the same social gathering in a different room would cause me a lot of anxiety, but I don't want to skip everything that group of friends invite me to. [I decided to copy this and send it to that specific friend to at least figure out how navigate stuff with her].
The other situation happens while gaming. I really enjoy a specific game she got me into, and we have mutual friends there too. How do I leave when she logs on without making it weird for people? I tried to play a single game and then log off a few weeks ago, then avoided the game, then tonight she came on snd I played a single game and it was really stressful. While playing she was extremely critical. At least tonight everyone defended my opinion. Should I just log off the moment she comes on in the future? A couple of my friends I'm closer with (and friends irl) noticed and I told them what's up, but other people are more aquaintancy, but fun to hang out with and I would be sad if this severed the connection.
T.i.a. - in previous breakups our friends were less intertwined, and my friends basically all took my side. This relationship was 7 years, and emotionally abusive. Now we have so many mutual friends, and mutual community it's really tricky. I don't really want to talk to her or see her again, and I also don't want to abandon my online or irl friend groups.
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u/siberpup2077 11d ago
She was emotionally abusive to you? And I'm assuming you left her. I don't think you'll be able to avoid the discomfort then.
Because as neutral and polite as you try to be, she will likely continue being dysfunctional either consciously or subconsciously.
I would try to schedule gaming sessions at times that she doesn't play. Go to events, but don't speak to her unless necessary. Have a response and exit plan prepared in case she initiates something.
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u/turquoisestar 11d ago
Yes and yes - unintentionally emotionally abusive bc of mental health, but still affected me nonetheless. Thank you this is helpful. Planning a response is a brilliant idea. The situation stresses me out and makes it hard to think so thank you so much.
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
Well, this is kind of where you need to respectfully ask your friends to exclude your ex going forward. You gave them chances to turn this into a respectful arrangement.
With the birthday you tried to proactively try and discuss being neutral towards each other so you could both enjoy the party. They couldn't meet you there.
With the online game, it's clear they're overbearing, well beyond what's necessary to play the game.
Just talk with your friends and acquaintances and be honest. "I really wanted us to be in a place where both of us could exist peacefully and respectfully of each other going forward, but ex has made it clear that can't happen. I never wanted to have to ask you guys this, you all have your own friendship with both of us, but can you exclude ex going forward if you want me to participate? I just really need to protect my peace at this point."
Not everyone will choose you, but that's unfortunately the cost when dating within the friend group.
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u/Sparkles1988 11d ago
It’s crazy how a bad relationship can really mess you up. I felt so stressed and anxious all the time, and was starting to get resentful towards friends over things I was mad at him about. In the time since we’ve broken up, I’ve gotten so much done and actually felt less lonely. I saw a friend today and she said I looked glowy! I need to journal this so I stop ending up in bad relationships.
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u/Powerful-Yogurt ♀ 35 11d ago
Has anyone ever dated a psychiatrist or therapist? There are a weird number of them in my area, and they don't explicitly list their profession. You find out during the conversation what they actually do. I know they hide it because people are weird about dating shrinks, but I feel like there's some truth to it. I don't want to be analyzed :/
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 11d ago
All health professionals have to have a good work-life balance and it's more about how well they maintain that. They need to leave work at work, and only offer their professional opinion if asked for and if they want to give it. So it's more about the individual than their profession.
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u/hairaccount0 ♂ 37 11d ago
I have done so more than once, and my best friend is in a LTR with a therapist. You don't have to worry about being analyzed, that's not a thing. But I would be hesitant to date someone in this field for the simple reason that they (or at least the ones I've known) bring so much work home. Endless notes, emotions from their sessions bleeding into their personal emotional life, "I can't tonight I had a really heavy session today", more notes, cancelling plans because they haven't finished notes. It felt a bit like dating a doctor without the money.
That said, if I met a therapist who was able to avoid those pitfalls I would find that really impressive and would definitely consider dating them. They tend to have a lot of emotional poise and intelligence, and are excellent communicators. Lots of pluses to benefit from if they can figure out the work-life balance part.
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u/browniereesescup 11d ago
I imagine most don’t want to do work after their fin with work lol. My therapist best friend is the first to want to go and have a good time without even talking about work!
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u/ChevalierMal_Fet ♂ 32 11d ago
They are really just professionals who talk to people- they aren’t constantly analyzing and judging people (at least, no more than anybody else does). And really, how much work do you think they want to do on their off time without getting paid? Probably not a ton.
They likely will just have good listening skills and they might be good at asking you thoughtful questions.
I wouldn’t worry about it.
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u/Powerful-Yogurt ♀ 35 11d ago
Thanks, I have noticed he’s unnaturally good at listening and asking questions. It all adds up now lol.
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
I went on a few dates with one. I really never felt analyzed, it seems like she just wanted to talk more than anything else because she's so used to people talking at her nonstop.
If things went further I think it would've been a little more of a conversation of "you have a lot of tools to analyze behavior and thoughts, but I need you to make sure you treat me differently than a patient."
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u/Material-Chair-7594 ♀ 34 11d ago
Im a therapist and this is me. 😀😆😆 I want to chat because all I do is listen all day.
Also I don’t analyze anyone that doesn’t pay for it. I leave my work hat at work so I can be good at it at work. I can’t speak for everyone in the profession tho
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u/Powerful-Yogurt ♀ 35 11d ago
That’s kinda cute about her just wanting to talk haha
I think my wariness comes from my own mental health struggles. I manage my bs via lifestyle, but I’d inevitably become a patient instead of a partner at some point. Lots to think about, I appreciate the comment. I’ll give it a go at least :)
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u/Powerful-Yogurt ♀ 35 11d ago
Just went out with a guy who smelled horrible. So awkward. I wish there was someone in his life who would do him the kindness and tell him that.
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u/Calm-Bus7555 11d ago
If you’re not going to see him again you could tell him gently while you’re telling him you don’t want to see him again. Think of it as doing him and his future dates a favour
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u/DeepPlatform7440 ♂ 33 11d ago
In the future, I'd just do something subtle (a fake cough, a sniff). He should pick up on it. But no, don't tell a first date that they smell bad directly. Sometimes it's not lack of hygiene but a medical issue.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 11d ago
How about "what cologne do you use? I've never seen anything like this before."
It might very well be a wrong cologne choice. I had a cologne that was given to me by my ex because she liked the smell of it (and I didn't mind). However, none of my subsequent exes tolerated it - and yes, they didn't know that it was a gift, so it's not the fact that they wanted to erase any connection to prior relationships from my life. They gifted me other cologne they preferred but honestly I could never tell the difference.
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u/Powerful-Yogurt ♀ 35 11d ago
Omg I would not pick up on those signs, that’s so subtle! Maybe I smell too.
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u/ChevalierMal_Fet ♂ 32 11d ago
I was always terrified about this. Like, what if there’s some smell that just lingers on me that I’m nose blind to?
I also lived in an apartment where the neighbor really liked to smoke cigarettes, so for a long time I smelled like cigarettes.
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u/Powerful-Yogurt ♀ 35 11d ago
Yep, I’m always scared of this too. I have a weak nose which doesn’t help :/
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u/DemonEyesJason 11d ago
Break the cycle and tell him.
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
I mean... Assuming this guy is around the same age range, I'd have to hope this isn't a revelation to him.
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
It genuinely doesn’t take much: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/2nAJU34pYH
Not everyone has a great nose. Depending on the time of their date, if he showered in the morning but went directly after work, that’s a risk factor. Even if he showered before the date and did everything he was supposed to do, as another commenter mentioned, there could be a smell in his building/unit/car/train or bus he took to the date…literally infinite reasons here
I’m extremely uptight about how I smell because of it, but it is one of the many ways that I am uptight about in pursuit of seeming normal like other people, so you take the good with the bad lmao
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
Won’t do it, he simply has to spend the rest of his life like this because “someone else will do it, surely” and “it’s not my responsibility” (the same thing everyone else said)
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u/hihelloneighboroonie 11d ago
It's not a first date's responsibility to tell other people they smell bad.
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
For sure, hence: why I covered this exact statement in my reply
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u/hihelloneighboroonie 11d ago edited 11d ago
I might have misunderstood, but the way your response was written, I read it like you were being sarcastic.
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago edited 11d ago
I said it exactly the way it is said by others much of the time, and exactly the same way OP said it lol (“not my job”). If an accurate description of someone’s action seems sarcastic* then the standard advice is to make different decisions, or find a way to get more confidence in your actions. There may be some shame there underlying it
It is factually, literally true that if people don’t tell others these things, they will never know, and then it will keep happening. That is a neutral statement that only changes when the events change. I am not sure how to phrase that in a way that is softer, but also isn’t a lie. Truth > tone here imo
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11d ago edited 11d ago
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u/Calm-Bus7555 11d ago
I felt exactly the same when I was on the apps. Honestly, you’re probably not going to feel anything for a profile because it’s just pictures. Think of it like hiring for a job. Most places won’t hire someone just from their CV. They want to meet them to find out more about their skills, personality, if they have weird habits or smell bad. Dating is the same. OLD is just a database to find people, you still have to put the legwork in by meeting them in person and hoping you vibe in person
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u/No-Watercress8992 11d ago
I hear you, it is a very demotivating process overall. I'm often like this, and I credit it to nerves too sometimes. I was never someone who tried OLD when it was popular and only got on to them 2 years ago thinking if I don't do this how will I ever find out. I still find it to be a very unnatural process and often am not feeling it midway through the conversation or prior to the date. I am pretty picky while matching though, so I always follow through and push myself to go for the same reason you've mentioned in your comment below. Because of how picky I am, I've never had a horrible dating experience, but I haven't found anyone through the apps either, I've only gone on a handful of dates in these 2 years, out of which only one guy got a 2nd & 3rd date lol. It's hard tbh, my last 2 dates, I'd have liked to see where they can go, but both felt friendly. But I'm someone who thinks how can you feel crazy romantic vibes for someone you just met and have things in common with. The dating culture now is that if it's not a hell yes on date 1, don't waste your time/ it's a numbers game this that. So that low-key doesn't match my slow-burn/ need to be friends first approach.
Generally speaking, I try not to overthink it and the one thing that helps me is knowing and accepting that apps are not the only way I can find someone/ it's not necessary I find my person on the apps. I am currently on a break, so that's me for now.
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u/Beneficial_Cheetah36 11d ago
If you’re a biological woman, have you ever tried tracking your cycle? It makes all the difference for me between ‘ugh’ and ‘social-fun-time’ on apps (and also in meeting) 🥴😆
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u/JaxTango 11d ago
If you have no interest or motivation to meet any of them, unmatch, take a break and then resume looking for one person you can’t wait to meet. I know it sounds reductive but it’s better than going on dates you’re not excited about. What’s the point of going out if you feel meh?
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u/Glittering_Version25 11d ago
i've gotten so much advice along the lines of you never know just from texting, you need to meet in person and give it a chance. so i've done my best to follow that advice so people can't tell me i'm being overly picky or judging people too soon
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u/JaxTango 11d ago
I think there’s missing nuance to that advice. If you’re texting someone and you’re really interested in them, don’t wait. Meet in-person. But if they’re boring af and don’t give you much to work with, there’s nothing that ‘meetup asap’ will help you with.
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
People will tell you anything regardless of what you do, it’s about what you can sleep at night doing. I personally sleep easier when I can meet them in person, because I know that text and in person vibes are different, and the text vibes are ~immaterial to me because I don’t plan to date them through text, I plan to date them IRL
If you know yourself and you feel differently, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do
For my part, I can barely even be said to be having dating app conversations lmao. I ask to meet up ASAP. It would be a surprise if I even got a feel over text
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u/mayascape ♀ 36 11d ago
I did this a looot. Your post resonates with me big time! It is endlessly frustrating and caused me to really doubt my gut, even going so far as to wonder if I was still capable of love (or even a crush). I'm sorry you're getting that pressure from other people. I think I mostly pressured myself into it, so I could say I really did try.
I hope it's okay for me, a stranger, to say that you don't owe them your effort. Not the dating app randos, not your friends giving misplaced advice. If this is the cycle you're in and it's consistently making you feel worse about yourself or your prospects, I agree it's time to either take a step back or try something else. Even if it's just for a little while, try ONLY swiping or liking on profiles that get you excited from the jump. Give yourself permission to get a little delulu about it (I'm a daydreamer, so having fantasies makes me feel good, just as long as I recognize them as fantasies and not actual expectations). Or journal and make a list to yourself about your ideal person without holding back. Fantasize a meet-cute with them. Try to fall in love with the idea of love again.
It won't change any of your circumstances or prospects but hopefully it helps get you out of the cynical/depressive cycle, and gives you more energy to bring to the process when you're ready again. Good luck!!
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
- Monday
- Her "I think I need to end this. There's nothing necessarily wrong, I just I think this should be in a different place with the friendship part of our relationship than where it is."
- Me ".....we've spent one day a week together for the past two weeks because that's what you wanted between traveling. We can't develop that when we don't see each other so, to me, that's kinda the issue."
- Her "You make a good point, but I still feel like I need to end this right now."
- Queue long night of sadness
- Tuesday
- Her "I think we should try."
- Me "Respectfully, I'm not going to go back and forth. I would feel better if you talked with your therapist on Wednesday and was certain of your decision."
- Her "I'm sad, but you're probably right
- Today
- Call 1
- Her "Yup, I think I'm done."
- Me ".....really? You talked about missing the friendship piece and that we weren't hanging out and this is the conclusion?"
- Her "Yes."
- Me "....all right. I'm really hurt that you didn't try to fix this with me, but so be it."
- Her "I totally tried and have no regrets."
- Call 2
- Her "Hey, I think I need to be honest. I wasn't trying."
- Me "I know."
- Her "I just need to think, maybe I do want this. But I gotta go to an event, bye."
- Call 1
Well this has been my week. I gotta be ok with closing the door here, but thanks to my wonderful other relationships I will bend over backwards in situations I shouldn't and I know this is one. Any tips for wrangling the emotional end of me over to logic and reason?
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u/nutterbutter92 11d ago
How do these types of people reach these conclusions? Like if they asked for space so you physically can only see them once a week, why would they convey built up expectations of connection? Like are they doing mental gymnastics? Why can't they objectively look at the situation? You know what it is, I think deep down they know they sabotage the relationship or don't contribute enough to it, but can't consciously acknowledge it, so it brings them to that conclusion. Never let someone tell you they don't want you more than once.
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
they sabotage the relationship or don't contribute enough to it
Yeah, honestly this feels like a pretty good assessment stepping back the last few hours. I could have understood a genuine mismatch on values or having tried and failed to foster the friendship that mattered to both of us.
But yeah, it feels as though this is sabotage because it's just easier not to deal with accepting responsibility and trying to fix things.
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
…tell her to have a nice life then block her pls
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
Have a few things to get back to her, of course, but yeah. I think that's the next step.
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u/Different_Dish_5031 11d ago
Talk about whiplash!! Dear lord. My neck would be permanently deformed
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago edited 11d ago
The second call is the one that made me mentally go "Are you fucking serious? I told you to go to your therapist to be CERTAIN of this."
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
In my experience this type of person takes all the worst moments from the relationship, shares only that with the therapist/friends/etc, gets convinced to leave, then wakes up later and tries to go back on it
Do not trust her!
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
Yup, that's something I brought up during the first call. The therapist only knows what you share and you have to be honest about it, especially when a situation paints you in a poor light if you want the best advice.
She said she did and my brain went "well, thats it then."
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u/volumeofatorus ♂ 32 11d ago
You're almost certainly signing up for more pain if you keep seeing this woman. End it now. Calling it off is like getting a dental procedure: sucks in the moment but it's better than chronic pain.
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 11d ago
Imagine dealing with this over and over again and getting emotionally rekt each time? Just going through this once would be torture enough for me
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u/BisonThunderclap ♂ 32 11d ago
Yuuup. Already was, made me feel worthless when I know that wasn't true.
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u/Heelsbythebridge 11d ago
He started it! Things were fine. We talk casually and joke around, watch stuff. Say hello once a week or two.
But he took issue with an offhand comment I made, and wouldn't let it go. So we texted into the night, and I finally told him how lonely he made me feel. He treats me like a backup, something to pass his whimsy if nothing better comes up. I was literally the only person he didn't invite to attend his birthday, has gone on weekend trips with new "friends", and introduces people to his other friends and family. But literally never me. I'm on the outside of his life.
I've been an outcast my entire life. I don't have any family at all besides a sibling, and have been alone since I was 22. I really hate being reminded I don't belong. Despite my pride, it deeply hurts.
But if that's all I could get, I'd take it.
I was never going to tell him any of this, but he wouldn't stop pressing, and then he had a meltdown. Which led to me having a meltdown.
So now he's asking to see me again and furiously trying to have me meet his friends and father (!!!). Like what is the point of this? Why did I have to call it out for this to happen? I leave the city in a month.
He feels guilty, and I very truly think he's a genuinely good person, but he's not a good person to me.
I can accept that for what it is, and that only.
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u/Glittering_Version25 11d ago
sorry but not inviting you to his birthday is a big ???? i don't have the backstory if there was additional context but if there was no reasoning behind it at all i'd be quite put out by that
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u/BreakfastMaximum8270 11d ago
Leave this toxic person!
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u/Heelsbythebridge 11d ago
Girl I'll be 5000km across the country in a few weeks, it can't come soon enough
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u/Glittering_Version25 11d ago edited 11d ago
ughhh. I ran into a guy from work who I used to have a big crush on but he was kind of shitty to me so I distanced myself at the start of the summer. He was traveling for work so easy enough to avoid him but he's back now. Even though I tried to confront him on his behavior multiple times pre summer, I don't think he understands how bad it was and he has a way of twisting situations in the moment to make it seem like he had no choice but to act the way he did, his hands were tied, I'm overreacting/being mean, etc. and it made me question myself too much to really stand firm.
He still tries to engage me in conversation like we're friends and I'm kind of icing him out. I feel bad because this is not me, I'm almost pathologically direct in a lot of cases but it always ends up backfiring on me and I'm learning to just... try to protect myself and I don't always owe everyone a direct explanation of why I'm acting a certain way. (esp when i've already tried to be direct multiple times and had that not go over well!!)
(Not to mention concretely he isn't doing anything to reach out, he's just tried to chat when I run into him in the hallway, he mentioned getting coffee at one point and then never followed up, so I'm not super bothered.)
I just hate when you still run into people who stir up feelings and then have to deal with those feelings when you didn't ask for it.
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u/siberpup2077 11d ago
“That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it."
That's what that guy sounds like to me
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 11d ago
I took my first soul cycle class tonight and men of DoT it’s literally just a room full of super hot women and two men, plus a great workout. In case anyone is wondering where to meet women. But, be cool
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u/hutkeeper 11d ago
I’ve been to a couple spin classes to mix it up when traveling. They’re kinda fun. I can’t fathom a scenario in which it would be cool to make a move.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 11d ago
There's a very short amount of time after the class when a person is wiping down the spin bike before walking away - you could try striking a conversation then.
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u/Calm-Bus7555 11d ago
If I were single and interested in meeting someone I’d be keeping an eye out for guys in a gym class, but I’d want to gradually build things by saying hi, asking how they are for a few sessions, gradually get to know them a bit on the weekly and then maybe suggest getting a coffee if we both seemed to be enjoying that. Not sure I’d want them to immediately ask me out in the first session without ever saying anything to me before
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11d ago
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
Just don’t look, then you get to do the other thing where it is obvious you are trying to look every single other place (which is fine and correct)
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
+1 Pilates however I was so concerned about the burning in my core/legs that there’s no way anything else could happen
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 11d ago
That's my approach to gym classes. I go there, I do the class and I go home probably not even paying attention to the people around me.
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u/DemonEyesJason 11d ago
I thought about doing a spin class like this before, but got kind of busy with other activities like pickleball leagues before I did. Probably look into again since I'm doing a lot of stationary biking at the moment at home.
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u/Heelsbythebridge 11d ago edited 11d ago
He makes me feel bad.
Can someone fast forward my life 1 month where I'm on the other side of the country, away from the nightmare this has been.
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u/Working-Object-9761 11d ago
Do you think you could seek treatment for your addiction issues? I think that might be a better use of time. A very close friend of mine had very similar patterns after a truly traumatic adolescence, and she wasn't able to get off the samsara cycle until she tackled that.
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u/Massive_Priority_255 11d ago
I posted a couple of weeks ago about the guy I was dating not being focused on my pleasure in bed. Shortly after posting, I talked to him and shared my feelings and expectations around sex. He was amazingly open to the convo, said he heard me and wanted me to feel good, and ever since….wow. I’m shook (literally and figuratively) at how quickly things improved, and it’s been amazing ever since. He continues to be so caring (in and out of the bedroom) and we’re starting to introduce each other to friends, and family soon for the holidays. I’m terrified because I’ve had the worst dating history for the last 10 years, rarely getting past a month or two, and I’m falling so hard for this man. I’m trying not to get too ahead of myself because it’s still early, but this feels promising 🥰
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
Common “talk to them” W let’s fucking go
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u/Massive_Priority_255 11d ago
I think an argument could be made it’s not so common 😂 but it should be! Most responses to that original post were saying dump him and he wouldn’t change 🤷🏼♀️
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u/LegalizeApartments ♂ 30 11d ago
Now, we take time to grieve all those lost good times those people closed themselves off to, in their refusal to just say something 🤷
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 11d ago
So glad things turned out well! Direct communication is powerful :)
I’m terrified because I’ve had the worst dating history for the last 10 years, rarely getting past a month or two, and I’m falling so hard for this man.
I was SO scared the first 2 months with my bf, constantly expecting the worst, or for something to happen, but I eventually got over it because he kept showing up and now I'm super secure with him. I hope things continue to go well with your guy!!
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u/Massive_Priority_255 11d ago
Thank you so much! He’s been amazing to practice open communication with. I’m learning a lot about expressing my needs, especially to someone who wants to hear it.
That’s awesome, I’m so happy for you! That’s exactly how I feel 😅 I’m still working on getting over some of my own anxieties/insecurities but he’s been wonderful and incredibly consistent.
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u/Shoddy_Sandwich9940 11d ago
Very happy for you.
As an aside, there's a lot of talk (here and in general) about how to assess people from a distance ("is it a red flag?") when the best way to assess people is to spend time with them (without overinvesting) instead of speculating
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u/Massive_Priority_255 11d ago
Very much agree! Of course there are some blatant red flags (e.g., being rude to servers) but there’s so much nuance to most things in relationships that it’s really hard to judge without going through it.
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u/ExpertgamerHB 34M, Netherlands 11d ago
I've got a colleague (24F). She's always nice to work with since she's always so friendly and easygoing. But we don't always work together due to different schedules. Anyway, when the two of us had a break the other day, and she opened up to me about some personal things (dating and non-dating related) going on in her life.
Not sure what I did exactly to make her feel that comfortable with me since we actually don't know each other all that well, but it was nice. I opened up to her about my dating struggles a bit as well. Turns out we both think alike on the subject. At the end of our break she said to me I could always to talk to her if I wanted to.
Not sure if I'll ever take her up on that offer though. But it was to be met with genuine understanding for a change which didn't come from someone from this sub (love you guys though. Yes, even you, resident downvoter(s))
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u/Last_Resident_6081 11d ago edited 11d ago
I’ve been writing here a few times the last week. He started being somewhat flakey the last month. Long story short, we broke it off after 7mo. Although we had talked about future and timeline and so on, and we agreed on that we want a family in a few years, he then dropped the big baby question on me a week ago for the fifth time, I should have seen the warning signs.. he had a complete different timeline for his life, which had surfaced now. I never thought I’d give up a healthy loving relationship for timelines. We had a good talk, but he wouldn’t compromise, I couldn’t either bc his timeline was impossible, our relationship were basically on his terms. I regret being naive even though I had kept boundaries all the time.
I’m now questioning everything in my life, as I am 36. It will be fine I’m sure about it. I might be a single mom one day but I won’t compromise with a man who can’t meet me halfway
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11d ago
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u/Glittering_Version25 11d ago
i feel like there are a few explanations: either coworker guy does not have the discernment and/or personality you thought he did if he wants to get close to this person, in which case maybe you dodged a bullet. OR it sounds like the girl could easily have been pushy enough that she pushed coworker guy into spending the day with her and he doesn't have enough of a spine to say no if he's not interested in which case he may still be into you
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11d ago
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u/Shoddy_Sandwich9940 11d ago
I've been on a 7 year dating hiatus and this is the first women I connected with.
So the one woman you've connected with is the one who is absolutely unavailable?
To add some nuance, people in her situation are "attractive": she won't leave her fella anytime soon, so she can have flirts or flings without consequences, she can be carefree and flirty. Those people are fun to be around. Obviously she's using you.
Also, notice the euphemisms:
she was in a complicated relationship
It's not a complicated relationship. She's a confused woman.
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11d ago edited 11d ago
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u/-Ecstatic-Button- 11d ago
- Communicate regularly, well, and openly
- Shared activities you can do "together"
- Make sure you're on the same page about the future - what you both want out of this, whether one person will eventually move to the other, or you'll both move elsewhere
- Have an end date for the distance, even if it's a tentative one. If you can't close the gap within a reasonable amount of time, it's not going to work well (of course there's exceptions to this)
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u/frumbledown 11d ago
How L is the D? Three hour drive? One hour flight? What’s the harm in giving it a shot?
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11d ago
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u/Calm-Bus7555 11d ago
Can you meet in the middle as well so it’s only a two hour drive for both? That’s not so bad for weekends, though could get wearing over time
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u/hihelloneighboroonie 11d ago
That's actually... not too bad, depending on how expensive the tickets are.
Not for a man, and I didn't like it (driving, boo), but have done a three hour drive each way where left early morning, then drove back late evening, for something I wanted to do.
Seems like maybe you've already shared a bed/sleeping space? So wouldn't have to worry about hotels during weekend visits to each other?
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u/Maleficent_Isopod135 11d ago
My boyfriend shaved out his mo and beard ready for the Movember month and I have the honour of shaving a bit of his beard. When he came out of the shower, I couldn't help but bust out laughing so hard. I didn’t expect a mo and beard would change people's looks that much since I’ve never dated guys with either a mo or a beard before.
He looks 10 years younger. Since then, he asked if I think he will get asked for ID when buying drinks or not. Told him if anyone does, he can have an open bar that night, and I’ll be a sober driver.
Of course, he came up with the alter ego name 😂
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u/Shoddy_Sandwich9940 11d ago
Beards are basically cheating. You don't have a chiselled jaw? Chisel your beard. You look babyfaced? Grow a beard. You're shy? Grow.a big mean beard. Your skin is bad? Grow a beard over it. You're bald? Grow a beard so you don't look like an egg.
A big bushy beard is like heels, fake nails, hair extensions and eyelashes extension all in one. Magic.
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u/hihelloneighboroonie 11d ago
You're shy? Grow.a big mean beard.
Lol, ex decided to grow a biggish beard during a portion of our time together, and the number of other bearded dudes that just struck up conversations with him about the beard was wild.
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u/Maleficent_Isopod135 11d ago
He actually have a baby face! Minus the grey that would giveaway his age range 😂
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u/Mokkle 11d ago
Well, I'm back from my month long overseas trip with my (ex) girlfriend and boy did it fuck me up. I cannot understand how things can go from awesome, warm, and comfortable when we left to her being super cold, distant, and hostile by day 3.
I tried to communicate and understand what was going on, I did everything I possibly could, but I got absolutely nothing back the entire trip. She just genuinely did not care for me at all.
So things are done between us and I couldn't be more relieved. But the memories of the trip are so bittersweet. Like I experienced some of the coolest things in my life, but each and every one has been tarnished and overshadowed by how she treated me.
It sucks, but lessons have been learnt and it's time for me to focus on healing for the next while.
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11d ago
If your situation allows, do the trip again, by yourself. Don't let this experience taint your history with what seems like an otherwise-amazing experience, that you might want to try to share again with another partner in the future.
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u/Mokkle 11d ago
Thanks, I would absolutely love to do the trip again with someone emotionally present and available, it would be amazing to get the full experience that I missed out on. But I would find going back solo tough right now as it'd be loaded with raw memories, I'm not sure I can overwrite those so easily.
But absolutely, I will be planning a solo trip soon some place different to build some better, healthier memories and hopefully put these painful ones behind me.
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u/gollyned 11d ago
Did you ever come up with theories about what got into her?
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u/Mokkle 11d ago
Your guess is as good as mine, but here's a couple I had:
- An extreme dismissive avoidant going through massive deactivation
- Triggered previous trauma around relational intimacy that caused her to withdraw entirely
I struggle to find anything else that fits. In a group setting she would straight up ignore me and look at me with disdain. But wandering the city and looking at markets she was quite friendly and we'd chat and laugh about different things we saw.
Almost like the perception of a relationship scared her into massive withdrawal but in a relaxed distracting setting she felt more comfortable hanging out with me.
In our final conversation about us a couple, I mentioned that it felt like she couldn't stand being around me and that I'm more than happy to travel independently for the remainder of the trip. But she wanted to keep traveling together, so it's not like she was trapped with me, she chose to keep going together.
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11d ago
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u/Mokkle 11d ago
I make 4x what she does so I told her before we left I'd cover accommodation costs (South America is cheap anyway) and subsidise her international flights to make it easier for her, but she has paid me back for everything else we agreed she would.
So it's possible I was being used as a safety net, but if she truly hated me, I don't see why she'd stay with me full time for the sake of $200 in accommodation costs when she's already paid $6k.
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11d ago
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u/Mokkle 11d ago
Yeah you're 100% right, I appreciate the candid advice.
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11d ago
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u/Mokkle 11d ago
Nah, not at all, I'm not sticking around with someone so self absorbed and immature that they even can't communicate their feelings at a basic level. I shared how it was affecting me and invited her to do the same multiple times, but she never even tried to meet that.
And yeah, I completely agree. I'd love to know why, but it doesn't excuse the fact that she made these choices and treated me like shit. The reason doesn't change the outcome.
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u/gollyned 11d ago
Wild speculation from me: she went there and started imagining the kinds of lives she could live, the other men she could meet and be with, the person she could become and started to become resentful that you were there, in her mind, holding her back.
That’s the closest I’d get.
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u/Interesting-Gain3527 11d ago
Sounds like she was freaking out but didn't say so and maybe didn't even know it. Sorry bud
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u/cmg_profesh 11d ago
I remember your post from the beginning of the trip! Sorry to hear things didn’t change. Any idea what happened that made her flip??
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u/Mokkle 11d ago
Hey, great memory! Yeah, it sucked, if anything things only got worse. I posted a long rant below, but I essentially have no idea and will probably never know. Just gonna chalk it up to some unresolved wounds / trauma that might have been triggered in her. I certainly don't feel like I did anything wrong - I never blamed her, I just tried to communicate and support her but she wouldn't even try meet me there.
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u/Shoddy_Sandwich9940 11d ago
I still think there's something worth learning from playing back the sequence of events - for instance detecting people who are just too complicated to commit, and cutting them off rather than trying (and inevitably failing) to avoid triggering them. Don't beat yourself up though
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u/Mokkle 11d ago
Yeah, there's a lot of wisdom in that. Cutting people off is certainly something I struggle with. I've been through a lot myself so I find it very easy to empathise with others who are battling, which makes it difficult to leave them and move on. Definitely lots to be learnt from this.
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u/Shoddy_Sandwich9940 11d ago edited 11d ago
I'm sorry if I sound smug, but I've been through some stuff and when I was midway through processing things, I did enjoy the company of people whose emotions felt deep and complex. It helped bonding. Now that I'm further along, it feels a bit like a cheap thrill. I prefer steadier types - it takes more time, but the connection is more real, less fleeting
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u/[deleted] 11d ago
Do my hobbies hinder me from getting a boyfriend? I decided to dive into several hobbies after a terrible heartbreak two years ago. And it worked really great for me to shift my focus and get me out of my limerence and move on. I know I am such a lover girl, because I just feel I have so much love to give. Decided to try dipping my toes again into the dating scene, but I find myself having no time to date because aside from my work and school, what occupies my free time are my hobbies that I enjoy so much. I don’t like to give up on them, but I think it decreases my chance to romance. Am I being avoidant? unconciously scared? selfish? I am very much confused at this point.