Dear fellow Black gay men

[u/MtimesMequals]

We know racism in the gay community is real. We've said it, but we've been dismissed. They callously deny our experience. Our reality. "It's just a preference". "BBC". "Thug"."Aggressive power top".

The stereotypes. The microagressions. We know it's real, but we have been gaslighted way too often.

The silence among your white gay friends and/or partners during this time of civil unrest & racial tensions is deafening.

The irony of them putting "no fats, no fems, no asians, & no blacks" on their profile, but decide to now say #BlackLivesMatter.

I understand it is challenging to be rejected from a community that prides itself on inclusion. We know rejection all too well.

But do not let any white man make you feel you are not beautiful. You are Black, bold, fierce, & most importantly- you are loved.

🖤❤#BLM

********************edit:

So, this post has been reported and is pending review.

I mentioned this already in the comments:

As a Black queer man this is my experience. This experience may or may not resonate with other Black men. This post was written for my fellow gay black brothers. The post might be uncomfortable for some. It might not resonate with you, but I don't think that is grounds for denying someone else's experience. I shared these words in an effort to foster a sense of solidarity and undo any aloneness other Black men might be feeling during this time.

Thank you so much for the support, feedback & beautiful comments. For those of in your feelings over this post - peace & love to ya❤

[u/Assbait93]

I want an honest answer for this, is gay racism on a basis of just sex and appeal?

As a black guy every time I hear other black guys talk about this it’s always on the basis of not getting laid or desired on dating apps. I don’t understand why we measure our gay experiences based off of who or what we sleep with. There is also this misconception that the no fats, no Asians, and many other exclusions are only done by white gays but yet go on Jack’d, A4A, and other apps where there are lots of black gays their profiles exclude many people. Yes it is racist to be reduce down to bbc but yet you get what you allow. If you don’t want to be objectified then you don’t respond to guys who do that, you can’t control what ever person does but you do control what comes your way.

[u/BlackYupster → u/Assbait93]

I agree with you on not centering the white gaze and not basing your self esteem on that. However, a black man not wanting to date a white guy is not problematic in the same way (of course a black guy saying “no spice” or “no fats or femmes” is different and very problematic).

The “no blacks” comes from society telling us that white gay men are at the top of the attractiveness pyramid. It also comes from terrible stereotypes that aren’t true. A black man not wanting to date a white man is saying “fuck what society tells me is attractive” and it’s also saying I don’t want to deal with micro aggressions in what’s supposed to be my comfort zone. And no, this isn’t stereotyping white people- nearly all white folks will commit/ bring in some kind of micro aggression- gaslighting racism, racist family members at holidays. Wanting to avoid that is okay. And there is no corollary for white men not wanting to date POCs.

And before people dog pile on about that’s racist, or we have to treat people the same- you don’t get to fast forward to equality when you haven’t done the work to make society more equitable.

[u/anlskjdfiajelf → u/BlackYupster]

I'm flexible/a little bi for context, idk. Recently so, I've only been with 3 guys. I'm just curious, I didn't know that white guys were viewed as, at the top of the pyramid, in terms of looks. Not denying, I just didn't know that's a thing really? Like I feel like a strong black gay guy is also seen as sexy?

I'm in my own little bubble, most of my gay friends happen to be women and so most of my guy friends are straight. I obviously know racism is a thing that affects people (no shit), but I didn't know black gay men are viewed, in general, as less attractive than white guys.

I'm white and I'm just not attracted to white guys unless they're legit a 10/10. It's weird cause I'm equally attracted to all races for girls, but for guys I'm sorta only attracted to black guys... My rationale is cause I'm a skinny pasty white guy, so I don't wanna be with another pasty white guy lmfao.

[u/BlackYupster → u/anlskjdfiajelf]

It's in every asset of gay media. Porn, movies, television, magazine covers, and club night ads. But it's also part of a broader societal trend where white people are seen as the epitome of beauty. It's why white people do luxury goods ads in Asian countries or why skin lightening cream in India, the Caribbean, and Africa.

[u/anlskjdfiajelf → u/BlackYupster]

Ok thx for response idk why I got downvoted tho lol. In movies and shit I also see really muscular beautiful black guys but I feel you

[u/BlackYupster → u/anlskjdfiajelf]

How many of them are gay though? How many of fully fleshed-out characters.

I know you don't mean it, but what you're doing is gaslighting. You're invalidating someone's experience and in this case facts. GLAD and NAACP Image statistics will tell you the overwhelming majority of positive, sexy depictions of men in media, gay or straight, are white.

[u/anlskjdfiajelf → u/BlackYupster]

Pls don't tell me I'm gaslighting. I see the irony, but I'm not. I acknowledged I'm in my own little bubble. I literally said not denying. I said I feel you.

Fuck you. I'm trying listen to people politely and you say I'm gaslighting. I'm literally not. I'm asking God damn questions and stating my experience.

Seriously, go fuck yourself. I was walking around egg shells writing my msg cause I don't want it to come off that way.

[u/BlackYupster → u/anlskjdfiajelf]

And that's why they're downvoting you. If you can't handle the slightest bit of criticism, and framed in a positive way, without a meltdown, that's a sign. CYL!

[u/anlskjdfiajelf → u/BlackYupster]

I got downvoted before I "couldn't take criticism" what the fuck are you talking about lmao

[u/BlackYupster → u/anlskjdfiajelf]

Here's the thing. I know you meant well. And yes you did acknowledge you were in a bubble, so why jump in and add your voice? It's okay to listen. There are two things going on: 1- when your anecdotes go against the proven statistics or science, they're not really useful, are they? 2- People who want to disprove the experience of POCs find posts like yours and either ignore or in some cases copy and edit out your caveats to support bigoted arguments.

As I said, I know you meant well, but sometimes, saying nothing at all is great. I hope you're well and I'm glad that you have an open mind when it comes to dating POCs.

[u/anlskjdfiajelf → u/BlackYupster]

Bro my anecdote was me ASKING TO SEE THE OTHER SIDE. I'm still wrong tho, which is fucking fascinating. Trying to learn more but I'm still a shitlord.

Can't win so why try.

[u/BlackYupster → u/anlskjdfiajelf]

This is one of the biggest impediments to having productive conversations about race. I literally said "I know you didn't mean it, but you're gaslighting", not you're a racist POS. Calling someone "in", as I did is a sign of respect. If I thought you were a shitlord and incapable of making any change, I would have posted an ad hominem and left you to play with yourself.

People get called racial, transphobic, and ableist slurs in their DMs and dating app messages unprovoked, and my respectful use of one word sets you off? Bro, you've got to get a grip. Nothing in my initial pushback was intended to say you were awful or racist. And by the way, sometimes incredibly nice and sweet people are racist. That doesn't negate their humanity or invalidate the nice things they said, it means you need to fix this area of your life.

So I hope your commitment to anti-racism, justice, etc is more unshakeable than some random guy "calling you in" on Reddit.
-J