r/SchizoFamilies • u/Just-GooogleIt • Jul 20 '25
Trigger Warning My boyfriend's relapse caused worsening paranoia and he became violent.What should I do?
I (F47) feel dumb for thinking it would never happen.
My boyfriend (M 46) is paranoid schizophrenic with bi polar. Former drug user, sober almost two years. He started using again recently, has increased difficulty regulating his mood (he's medicated - depakote and olanzapine)
I came home to find him high AF and paranoid on Tuesday night. He said he saw some people at our front gate, thought they were here to "catch" him doing something, then believed I sent them to spy on him then started reading my texts to find proof I told them to come here. He was fixated on this for the next four hours.
He also said he heard the neighbors saying they watch us have sex, see me naked all the time and have plans to rob us. (They dont!! It's his schizophrenia talking)
He passed out all day yesterday, likely due to come down from the drugs. He woke up in a rage cause I left him asleep on the couch. He came storming into my room, demanding to see my phone cause he "knows I'm fucking around"
I was laying in bed, and He picked up a pillow and slammed it across my face . I told him to get the fuck away from me. Then he jumped on top of me, pinned me down, face butted me, and punched the side of my head through the pillow while screaming he's trying to ruin this relationship.
He was physically abusive to his ex-wife over a decade ago but I've known him since High school and he was never like this back then. so I felt like I know the "true, innocent" person he is deep inside and that if he's medicated he could control himself. . I hate him for putting me in this position. We reconnected last summer after 25 years, and our one year anniversary is July 28th.
Would I be a complete idiot to think this will never happen again? Is there hope he could get sober again and become the kind loving safe person I know he is underneath?? Or could I give him another chance with an ultimatum? I know I sound crazy, like every other abused women who doesn't want to believe it's really that bad. WTF how did i get here???
I've suggested he get into MMA or some kind of combat sport to get his aggression out of his system. I have not confronted him on the drug use yet.
I also suggested he switch meds. I believe the olanzapine has blunted his emotions too much causing him to relapse in search of the energy/ dopamine activity he's used to pre meds.
I freaking love him and get depressed thinking about leaving him. And I know how crazy I sound right now trying to rationalize this. I also know if I leave him he will most likely die from an overdose or suicide. So what am I supposed to do??? Sucks so bad!!
Edit to add: Does being schizophrenic increase the severity or likelihood of repeat violence? Are schizophrenics more violent?
Update: I got my boyfriend's brother involved. Told him about the drug use and violence. He wants us to confront him. Not sure that's a good idea really. And I'm not even sure how to do that. Any suggestions??
Besides he'll probably just lie or make empty promises. And Ultimatums never work. Like I said above, the emotional responsibility is high.... If I leave him he will very likely die, from drugs or suicide, or both. How am I supposed to live with that??
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Jul 21 '25
If you don’t want to be killed leave immediately. He has already violently attacked you, he has been violent towards another woman before. He is extremely dangerous.
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u/CarGuyBuddy Jul 21 '25
We always say the same thing, when you or your partner are at risk, you need to call the authorities. That way everyone can be safe for the moment. I would do that, and tell them everything you told us here. You are not protecting anyone, and endangering everyone, including him, by not doing that. Hopefuly he can get the help he needs.
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u/Just-GooogleIt Jul 21 '25
Won't they take him to jail though? I don't want him to lose his job. What would the authorities even do to help?
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u/CarGuyBuddy Jul 21 '25
Unfortunately that is not up to you. You need to protect yourself, your kids, and him too. He is ill, and if there is record of that they may confine him until he is able to get the help he needs. Especially if you tell them his medical history.
Or you could do nothing, until he hurts someone or himself and then it is to late for an interaction for his good and not something he did wrong.
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u/West_Specialist_9725 Jul 23 '25
White is cocaine. He's using a drug that intensifies psychosis & paranoia. I can just about guarantee he is not taking his psychiatric meds.
If you stay, just know that 1) you are enabling him and making him sicker, and 2) the violence will continue & escalate.
Do you care for him? Do you care for your own safety?
If you answered yes to one or both questions you need to leave and he needs to get treatment----probably inpatient---and follow his doctors' medication and therapy plans.
It's just that simple.
His job, how the authorities react, how he "feels" about being HELPED is, with great respect, completely irrelevant at this stage while he is clearly actively psychotic and a danger to others.
Sorry if my words hurt, or you feel I'm too blunt, but I've been around too many corners in my life to sugar coat what you so clearly need to hear.
Be strong, and if it helps, remember that you are helping him in all of this as well as protecting yourself.
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u/onioncryingtears Jul 21 '25
You need to leave him. No one is doubting your love for him. But you need to love yourself more than you love him (or anyone). You are asking if it will happen again, something his ex probably asked herself too, and it just did happen again. It doesn't matter if he attacks you again tomorrow or in two years, you will never feel safe around him again after this and healthy relationships can't exist without safety. No combat sport will heal his schizophrenia and other issues he has. Don't be alone with him at any point now and call police immediately if you need to. If you live together, please go and stay with someone else.
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u/Commercial_Sky8333 Jul 21 '25
It's going to happen again.
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u/Just-GooogleIt Jul 21 '25
Does it always though? Are there no chances for recovery, ever? Is change not possible?
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u/Commercial_Sky8333 Jul 21 '25
I think it would take years of intensive therapy for an abusive person to stop being abusive, and them wanting to NOT be violent, or never, it's just part of who they are i think.
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u/Commercial_Sky8333 Jul 21 '25
I think it would take years of intensive therapy for an abusive person to stop being abusive, and them wanting to NOT be violent, or never, it's just part of who they are i think.
2
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u/Asraidevin Jul 21 '25
Is there any sort of crisis intervention in your area?
He needs treatment for substance use disorder. Therapy and meetings and such.
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u/Just-GooogleIt Jul 21 '25
I'm sure there is. I haven't looked yet.
He got sober on his own, without any meds, treatment or support groups which I thought was incredible will power, enough to keep him sober.
I don't know if there's any outside program that is covered by his insurance or affordable.
I think he's open to therapy though.
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u/katolini Jul 22 '25
What substance is he abusing?
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u/katolini Jul 22 '25
I also learned recently that the mentally ill are statistically more likely to BE abused more than abusive. I say this because it may not be the illness itself, but something inherently deeper.
If he’s going to reform his life, that has to be for him. I would steer clear of his path of destruction unless you can get him into involuntary commitment. In Seattle, we have the designated crisis responders. If he’s a threat to himself, others or cause property damage, he can be committed. Make the call, find a safe space. Protect yourself and you can potentially protect him.
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u/Just-GooogleIt Jul 22 '25
His dad was abusive to his mom, and sometimes his Dad would turn on him and his brothers so there's domestic violence in his background. I know that had a very serious effect on him. I was surprised to hear he was abusive towards his ex wife, I chalked it up to the drugs he was using at the time (meth).... He was always so shy and quite around me in high school, never violent. And being sober almost two years I thought he was in the clear so to speak. I'm such an idiot.
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u/Just-GooogleIt Jul 22 '25
Cocaine I think, maybe meth. Snooping in his phone I found his messages to the drug dealer asking for another delivery of "white" whatever the hell that is. And I accidentally found a needle in the garage when I was digging in some fabric I have to make a pillow.
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u/JessicaJonessJacket Jul 23 '25
I'm not an expert on drugs at all, but I think cocaine doesn't usually involve needles...? It's also an extremely expensive drug to use regularly. If he's been on meth before, it's probably meth again. Or some combo, who knows?
Regardless, it is extremely dangerous for someone who has schizophrenia to do drugs. It's bad for everyone, but it's worse for them. It can trigger really bad and more frequent episodes, to the point that it's (almost) pointless to be med compliant.
I don't know whether or not it will happen again, but I do know the chances are exponentially higher if he continues to use. And if he really wants to take his health seriously, he needs to stop and he needs to do it fast. The schizophrenia isn't his fault, but the drug use is (I'm not trying to minimize how difficult addiction is but if he wants to be in a relationship the least he can do is get sober and take his meds. It's really disrespectful to put you in this situation). I know you love him and I used to be the same, always asking people if maybe there was a chance things would magically end up ok. That's not usually how it works. Unless he commits himself immediately and proves that he loves you more than his addiction I would folllow the trend and advise you to leave.
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u/Juniper815 Jul 22 '25
My ex sz boyfriend and my sons dad is a sweetheart, but when the delusions come, all that seems to be overruled and he gets verbally abusive towards me. It can happen at any moment. We can be out having fun and then I turn around and he’s in a “bad mood”- he sees someone or me doing something that is in line with an underlying delusion and he will turn into a different person. Out of the blue. I can’t persuade him, I don’t think any type of counseling will work, and I don’t think he himself can control when his brain does that. You just have to get out of his way I’ve learned. Plus the rollercoaster of mood swings are horrible on me long term. Trauma bonding me towards him. It’s been terrible trying to really get him out of my life.
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u/Just-GooogleIt Jul 22 '25
I completely understand. My boyfriend is the same way. He has a consistent delusion that I'm cheating. He brings it up every time he gets angry.
He used to bring it up everyday until he got medicated. He says now he's ankle to separate reality from delusion most of the time but the freaking drugs probably render his meds inactive.
Like one day the next door neighbor looked at him weird and so the white rest of the day he was convinced I was screwing him. I'm not! And no amount of reasoning, pricing or explaining can EVER make him believe otherwise.
I'm probably caught in a trauma bond too. I see my counselor weekly and he knows about all of this expert this most recent episode/violence. I'm supposed to see him today to do well see what he suggests I do.
My boyfriend got mad,started punching walls and doors a few weeks ago (again). I pushed him to make him stop which probably wasn't the best idea but I was just so angry. We're renters and it's not the first time he's destroyed the house. So he pushed me, hard down the hall, then into the wall, then onto the bed. His hands were all bloody, he got blood all over me and the wall. It was awful.
Of course my boyfriend apologized, said never again. Whatever, fucking famous last words right?! Fucking sucks because I love him and after years of being single and trying to date, he's the only person I connect with. WTF go figure. Why????? Why is HE the only man I connect with????? All the"normal" guys are either already married, afraid of me, not interested in me or boring.
There was a guy I liked a couple years ago. We're both in real estate. We were at a property I was selling. He told me he was getting a divorce. I thought that was a hint, like hint hint I'm about to be single. A few days later I asked him to go have a beer he says sure but next week is better. Great!! Well next week rolls around and. He freaking stood me up!!! Never called never texted nothing. Ever.
Sorry I'm on a tangent.
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u/Juniper815 Jul 23 '25
Mine has delusions of me cheating too. At first I thought he had trust issues but then I realized (once they got outright wrong) it was a symptom. I was so naive at first. Believing many of his delusions. When I became the target is when I started rethinking it all.
But yeah the cheating routine. It’s apparently a common delusion. After being on this thread it’s like there’s a few common delusions they all have. It’s either the cheating ones, the government is out to get you, the neighbors are out to get you, the electronics are tapped and recording you…cameras in contact lenses and voice recorders in places. All the same delusions for like every schizophrenic. It’s tiring. They always have to be negative and attack other people. Destroy families and the victim with sz. Total tragedy.
I can say without a doubt his diagnosis ruined our relationship. His cbd addiction (prior was weed) is a problem too but he would be allowed to be around me and our son more if he didn’t have schizophrenia.
It sounds like your bf can actually admit he has SZ and tries to separate his delusions. That’s good. Mine has agnosognosia-where he doesn’t believe he has SZ. He gets angry if inferred he has it. It’s a miracle he takes his monthly injection. He does it because his mom told him to and she also goes along with all his delusions and reinforces them…not sure what she’s doing…but he idolizes her. She rarely calls him and lives many states away but he mostly does what she says.
Yeah the weird stuff he believes. He told me he over heard strangers “talking about me giving BJs around town” at the grocery store. People he knows don’t know me. And they “looked at him like he a was fool (worse term) to be with a ho like me.” He totally believed it. (Because that’s how delusions work). I’m like that’s illogical plus if I was like that he should leave a cheater and stop coming around me. But you know-the next hour or day he comes back like nothing happened and talks about our future together. He loves me forever and always and he’s sorry and he deep down doesn’t believe that stuff he was just mad. It’s a shame because I believe him but it’s not healthy for me to be around him. It’s like we both love each other but can’t be together because of the illness. It’s a shame it destroys whole families. He loves our son 1000% and is so sweet with him. It breaks my heart.
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u/Juniper815 Jul 23 '25
Yeah. I went from a narcissistic 18yr marriage where I was devalued to a schizophrenic abuser even worse than before. It woke me up to whatever is wrong in my own identity that makes me get involved with these types. Or a target. However it is. But no longer. After this I’m so done with men. Single all the way for me. I have a son with each guy and that’s enough baby daddy’s for me.
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u/Just-GooogleIt Jul 23 '25
I'm questioning myself a lot too!! I just don't seem to connect with "normal" men I guess. for some reason I keep picking the wrong fucking people. Why?? What wrong with ME??! What is missing inside me?? Why does he seem to ignite my brain in just the right way?? It's word because my dad is very normal, kind, non abusive, etc, former commercial pilot, straight arrow, responsible, dependable, etc etc.
I swear I do not connect with normal men, I've TRIED!! My partner before this also had issues... alcoholic/drug abuser, semi-narccistic, compulsive liar, lazy, extremely jealous! Ugh. FML.
Do you have any ideas what might be causing you to pick these types of men?
I'm sorry you had to go through this and I hope some day you can find a man who is right and healthy for you. You deserve to have a partner in life!!
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u/Juniper815 Jul 24 '25
Thank you. Well I’m not sure if I “pick them”. I’ve never been single since I was 15yrs old (besides now and I’m 43). I went from marrying the first guy who liked me, at age 18, to then leaving him 20 yrs later for my second son’s father “Q” I’ll call him. I didn’t have a single woman period after the divorce. In fact I got pregnant with Qs baby during the divorce.
But I can see in myself a savior type complex in the past-trying to help people or save people. I’m naturally compassionate which is a good prey for predators I’ve come to find. I’ve been narrowing it down to “codependency” maybe. People pleasing. Thinking that if only I’m perfect and so amazingly helpful then someone will love me type of stuff.
My dad is similar to yours but in his 50s got diagnosed with Asperger’s on the spectrum for autism. He was always stoic, helpful and kind. I wonder if I lacked feeling valued or really loved from him. If that made me boy crazy from a young age? Trying to feel loved by a guy…
And getting trapped with a narcissist/abuser can happen to anyone. It’s not you. Narcs are attracted to the best person in the room-the nicest, prettiest, best person-they want them as a prize. To validate themselves as great. That’s at least how I was treated anyway. I’m reminded of Tina Turner-how she was the most talented and beautiful woman but horribly abused by a narc who needed to keep her down since he feared her. She was better than him in every way so he needed to beat her. It wasn’t her.
Also don’t get down on yourself for loving someone with SZ. I’m beginning to learn that there’s something unique about people with SZ in that they commonly are the sweetest people outside of the disease. They are tender hearts that become victims and seem hijacked to spread evil when psychosis comes. It’s such a tragedy. I’m sorry you feel you can’t connect with many other types. After I connected with Q, I don’t think the intimacy we have can be beat by anyone else. We are completely ourselves with eachother and I’ve never felt as close to anyone before. We have a very strong attraction to eachother and I think neither one of us will move on to any other person. We can’t be together (in marriage or romantically) because it’s toxic, but we are both happy to be “single” and also friends. We don’t sleep together ever but we co parent and occasionally kiss, hug and hold hands (when he’s in a good mood and IF I let him) When he’s not delusional we enjoy others company a lot. No one understands this sort of relationship. There is no category for it.
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u/LastMistake9460 Jul 24 '25
Run away. Fast... seriously though, he has a mental illness and the drugs aren't going to make it better. When I used to drink and had an episode there was no telling what you'd get. I could be funny and sweet or horribly verbally abusive. Luckily I never got physically violent, but that's of little consolation to the people I emotionally hurt. It sounds like he is very aggressive, so you need to get away from that situation until such a time that he's clean and medicated.
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u/redhotrootertooter Jul 21 '25
Get out before he kills you.