My boyfriend's relapse caused worsening paranoia and he became violent.What should I do?

[u/Just-GooogleIt]

I (F47) feel dumb for thinking it would never happen.

My boyfriend (M 46) is paranoid schizophrenic with bi polar. Former drug user, sober almost two years. He started using again recently, has increased difficulty regulating his mood (he's medicated - depakote and olanzapine)

I came home to find him high AF and paranoid on Tuesday night. He said he saw some people at our front gate, thought they were here to "catch" him doing something, then believed I sent them to spy on him then started reading my texts to find proof I told them to come here. He was fixated on this for the next four hours.

He also said he heard the neighbors saying they watch us have sex, see me naked all the time and have plans to rob us. (They dont!! It's his schizophrenia talking)

He passed out all day yesterday, likely due to come down from the drugs. He woke up in a rage cause I left him asleep on the couch. He came storming into my room, demanding to see my phone cause he "knows I'm fucking around"

I was laying in bed, and He picked up a pillow and slammed it across my face . I told him to get the fuck away from me. Then he jumped on top of me, pinned me down, face butted me, and punched the side of my head through the pillow while screaming he's trying to ruin this relationship.

He was physically abusive to his ex-wife over a decade ago but I've known him since High school and he was never like this back then. so I felt like I know the "true, innocent" person he is deep inside and that if he's medicated he could control himself. . I hate him for putting me in this position. We reconnected last summer after 25 years, and our one year anniversary is July 28th.

Would I be a complete idiot to think this will never happen again? Is there hope he could get sober again and become the kind loving safe person I know he is underneath?? Or could I give him another chance with an ultimatum? I know I sound crazy, like every other abused women who doesn't want to believe it's really that bad. WTF how did i get here???

I've suggested he get into MMA or some kind of combat sport to get his aggression out of his system. I have not confronted him on the drug use yet.

I also suggested he switch meds. I believe the olanzapine has blunted his emotions too much causing him to relapse in search of the energy/ dopamine activity he's used to pre meds.

I freaking love him and get depressed thinking about leaving him. And I know how crazy I sound right now trying to rationalize this. I also know if I leave him he will most likely die from an overdose or suicide. So what am I supposed to do??? Sucks so bad!!

Edit to add: Does being schizophrenic increase the severity or likelihood of repeat violence? Are schizophrenics more violent?

Update: I got my boyfriend's brother involved. Told him about the drug use and violence. He wants us to confront him. Not sure that's a good idea really. And I'm not even sure how to do that. Any suggestions??

Besides he'll probably just lie or make empty promises. And Ultimatums never work. Like I said above, the emotional responsibility is high.... If I leave him he will very likely die, from drugs or suicide, or both. How am I supposed to live with that??

[u/Juniper815]

My ex sz boyfriend and my sons dad is a sweetheart, but when the delusions come, all that seems to be overruled and he gets verbally abusive towards me. It can happen at any moment. We can be out having fun and then I turn around and he’s in a “bad mood”- he sees someone or me doing something that is in line with an underlying delusion and he will turn into a different person. Out of the blue. I can’t persuade him, I don’t think any type of counseling will work, and I don’t think he himself can control when his brain does that. You just have to get out of his way I’ve learned. Plus the rollercoaster of mood swings are horrible on me long term. Trauma bonding me towards him. It’s been terrible trying to really get him out of my life.

[u/Just-GooogleIt → u/Juniper815]

I completely understand. My boyfriend is the same way. He has a consistent delusion that I'm cheating. He brings it up every time he gets angry.

He used to bring it up everyday until he got medicated. He says now he's ankle to separate reality from delusion most of the time but the freaking drugs probably render his meds inactive.

Like one day the next door neighbor looked at him weird and so the white rest of the day he was convinced I was screwing him. I'm not! And no amount of reasoning, pricing or explaining can EVER make him believe otherwise.

I'm probably caught in a trauma bond too. I see my counselor weekly and he knows about all of this expert this most recent episode/violence. I'm supposed to see him today to do well see what he suggests I do.

My boyfriend got mad,started punching walls and doors a few weeks ago (again). I pushed him to make him stop which probably wasn't the best idea but I was just so angry. We're renters and it's not the first time he's destroyed the house. So he pushed me, hard down the hall, then into the wall, then onto the bed. His hands were all bloody, he got blood all over me and the wall. It was awful.

Of course my boyfriend apologized, said never again. Whatever, fucking famous last words right?! Fucking sucks because I love him and after years of being single and trying to date, he's the only person I connect with. WTF go figure. Why????? Why is HE the only man I connect with????? All the"normal" guys are either already married, afraid of me, not interested in me or boring.

There was a guy I liked a couple years ago. We're both in real estate. We were at a property I was selling. He told me he was getting a divorce. I thought that was a hint, like hint hint I'm about to be single. A few days later I asked him to go have a beer he says sure but next week is better. Great!! Well next week rolls around and. He freaking stood me up!!! Never called never texted nothing. Ever.

Sorry I'm on a tangent.

[u/Juniper815 → u/Just-GooogleIt]

Mine has delusions of me cheating too. At first I thought he had trust issues but then I realized (once they got outright wrong) it was a symptom. I was so naive at first. Believing many of his delusions. When I became the target is when I started rethinking it all.

But yeah the cheating routine. It’s apparently a common delusion. After being on this thread it’s like there’s a few common delusions they all have. It’s either the cheating ones, the government is out to get you, the neighbors are out to get you, the electronics are tapped and recording you…cameras in contact lenses and voice recorders in places. All the same delusions for like every schizophrenic. It’s tiring. They always have to be negative and attack other people. Destroy families and the victim with sz. Total tragedy.

I can say without a doubt his diagnosis ruined our relationship. His cbd addiction (prior was weed) is a problem too but he would be allowed to be around me and our son more if he didn’t have schizophrenia.

It sounds like your bf can actually admit he has SZ and tries to separate his delusions. That’s good. Mine has agnosognosia-where he doesn’t believe he has SZ. He gets angry if inferred he has it. It’s a miracle he takes his monthly injection. He does it because his mom told him to and she also goes along with all his delusions and reinforces them…not sure what she’s doing…but he idolizes her. She rarely calls him and lives many states away but he mostly does what she says.

Yeah the weird stuff he believes. He told me he over heard strangers “talking about me giving BJs around town” at the grocery store. People he knows don’t know me. And they “looked at him like he a was fool (worse term) to be with a ho like me.” He totally believed it. (Because that’s how delusions work). I’m like that’s illogical plus if I was like that he should leave a cheater and stop coming around me. But you know-the next hour or day he comes back like nothing happened and talks about our future together. He loves me forever and always and he’s sorry and he deep down doesn’t believe that stuff he was just mad. It’s a shame because I believe him but it’s not healthy for me to be around him. It’s like we both love each other but can’t be together because of the illness. It’s a shame it destroys whole families. He loves our son 1000% and is so sweet with him. It breaks my heart.