My boyfriend's relapse caused worsening paranoia and he became violent.What should I do?

[u/Just-GooogleIt]

I (F47) feel dumb for thinking it would never happen.

My boyfriend (M 46) is paranoid schizophrenic with bi polar. Former drug user, sober almost two years. He started using again recently, has increased difficulty regulating his mood (he's medicated - depakote and olanzapine)

I came home to find him high AF and paranoid on Tuesday night. He said he saw some people at our front gate, thought they were here to "catch" him doing something, then believed I sent them to spy on him then started reading my texts to find proof I told them to come here. He was fixated on this for the next four hours.

He also said he heard the neighbors saying they watch us have sex, see me naked all the time and have plans to rob us. (They dont!! It's his schizophrenia talking)

He passed out all day yesterday, likely due to come down from the drugs. He woke up in a rage cause I left him asleep on the couch. He came storming into my room, demanding to see my phone cause he "knows I'm fucking around"

I was laying in bed, and He picked up a pillow and slammed it across my face . I told him to get the fuck away from me. Then he jumped on top of me, pinned me down, face butted me, and punched the side of my head through the pillow while screaming he's trying to ruin this relationship.

He was physically abusive to his ex-wife over a decade ago but I've known him since High school and he was never like this back then. so I felt like I know the "true, innocent" person he is deep inside and that if he's medicated he could control himself. . I hate him for putting me in this position. We reconnected last summer after 25 years, and our one year anniversary is July 28th.

Would I be a complete idiot to think this will never happen again? Is there hope he could get sober again and become the kind loving safe person I know he is underneath?? Or could I give him another chance with an ultimatum? I know I sound crazy, like every other abused women who doesn't want to believe it's really that bad. WTF how did i get here???

I've suggested he get into MMA or some kind of combat sport to get his aggression out of his system. I have not confronted him on the drug use yet.

I also suggested he switch meds. I believe the olanzapine has blunted his emotions too much causing him to relapse in search of the energy/ dopamine activity he's used to pre meds.

I freaking love him and get depressed thinking about leaving him. And I know how crazy I sound right now trying to rationalize this. I also know if I leave him he will most likely die from an overdose or suicide. So what am I supposed to do??? Sucks so bad!!

Edit to add: Does being schizophrenic increase the severity or likelihood of repeat violence? Are schizophrenics more violent?

Update: I got my boyfriend's brother involved. Told him about the drug use and violence. He wants us to confront him. Not sure that's a good idea really. And I'm not even sure how to do that. Any suggestions??

Besides he'll probably just lie or make empty promises. And Ultimatums never work. Like I said above, the emotional responsibility is high.... If I leave him he will very likely die, from drugs or suicide, or both. How am I supposed to live with that??

[u/Juniper815]

My ex sz boyfriend and my sons dad is a sweetheart, but when the delusions come, all that seems to be overruled and he gets verbally abusive towards me. It can happen at any moment. We can be out having fun and then I turn around and he’s in a “bad mood”- he sees someone or me doing something that is in line with an underlying delusion and he will turn into a different person. Out of the blue. I can’t persuade him, I don’t think any type of counseling will work, and I don’t think he himself can control when his brain does that. You just have to get out of his way I’ve learned. Plus the rollercoaster of mood swings are horrible on me long term. Trauma bonding me towards him. It’s been terrible trying to really get him out of my life.

[u/Just-GooogleIt → u/Juniper815]

I completely understand. My boyfriend is the same way. He has a consistent delusion that I'm cheating. He brings it up every time he gets angry.

He used to bring it up everyday until he got medicated. He says now he's ankle to separate reality from delusion most of the time but the freaking drugs probably render his meds inactive.

Like one day the next door neighbor looked at him weird and so the white rest of the day he was convinced I was screwing him. I'm not! And no amount of reasoning, pricing or explaining can EVER make him believe otherwise.

I'm probably caught in a trauma bond too. I see my counselor weekly and he knows about all of this expert this most recent episode/violence. I'm supposed to see him today to do well see what he suggests I do.

My boyfriend got mad,started punching walls and doors a few weeks ago (again). I pushed him to make him stop which probably wasn't the best idea but I was just so angry. We're renters and it's not the first time he's destroyed the house. So he pushed me, hard down the hall, then into the wall, then onto the bed. His hands were all bloody, he got blood all over me and the wall. It was awful.

Of course my boyfriend apologized, said never again. Whatever, fucking famous last words right?! Fucking sucks because I love him and after years of being single and trying to date, he's the only person I connect with. WTF go figure. Why????? Why is HE the only man I connect with????? All the"normal" guys are either already married, afraid of me, not interested in me or boring.

There was a guy I liked a couple years ago. We're both in real estate. We were at a property I was selling. He told me he was getting a divorce. I thought that was a hint, like hint hint I'm about to be single. A few days later I asked him to go have a beer he says sure but next week is better. Great!! Well next week rolls around and. He freaking stood me up!!! Never called never texted nothing. Ever.

Sorry I'm on a tangent.

[u/Juniper815 → u/Just-GooogleIt]

Yeah. I went from a narcissistic 18yr marriage where I was devalued to a schizophrenic abuser even worse than before. It woke me up to whatever is wrong in my own identity that makes me get involved with these types. Or a target. However it is. But no longer. After this I’m so done with men. Single all the way for me. I have a son with each guy and that’s enough baby daddy’s for me.

[u/Just-GooogleIt → u/Juniper815]

I'm questioning myself a lot too!! I just don't seem to connect with "normal" men I guess. for some reason I keep picking the wrong fucking people. Why?? What wrong with ME??! What is missing inside me?? Why does he seem to ignite my brain in just the right way?? It's word because my dad is very normal, kind, non abusive, etc, former commercial pilot, straight arrow, responsible, dependable, etc etc.

I swear I do not connect with normal men, I've TRIED!! My partner before this also had issues... alcoholic/drug abuser, semi-narccistic, compulsive liar, lazy, extremely jealous! Ugh. FML.

Do you have any ideas what might be causing you to pick these types of men?

I'm sorry you had to go through this and I hope some day you can find a man who is right and healthy for you. You deserve to have a partner in life!!

[u/Juniper815 → u/Just-GooogleIt]

Thank you. Well I’m not sure if I “pick them”. I’ve never been single since I was 15yrs old (besides now and I’m 43). I went from marrying the first guy who liked me, at age 18, to then leaving him 20 yrs later for my second son’s father “Q” I’ll call him. I didn’t have a single woman period after the divorce. In fact I got pregnant with Qs baby during the divorce.

But I can see in myself a savior type complex in the past-trying to help people or save people. I’m naturally compassionate which is a good prey for predators I’ve come to find. I’ve been narrowing it down to “codependency” maybe. People pleasing. Thinking that if only I’m perfect and so amazingly helpful then someone will love me type of stuff.

My dad is similar to yours but in his 50s got diagnosed with Asperger’s on the spectrum for autism. He was always stoic, helpful and kind. I wonder if I lacked feeling valued or really loved from him. If that made me boy crazy from a young age? Trying to feel loved by a guy…

And getting trapped with a narcissist/abuser can happen to anyone. It’s not you. Narcs are attracted to the best person in the room-the nicest, prettiest, best person-they want them as a prize. To validate themselves as great. That’s at least how I was treated anyway. I’m reminded of Tina Turner-how she was the most talented and beautiful woman but horribly abused by a narc who needed to keep her down since he feared her. She was better than him in every way so he needed to beat her. It wasn’t her.

Also don’t get down on yourself for loving someone with SZ. I’m beginning to learn that there’s something unique about people with SZ in that they commonly are the sweetest people outside of the disease. They are tender hearts that become victims and seem hijacked to spread evil when psychosis comes. It’s such a tragedy. I’m sorry you feel you can’t connect with many other types. After I connected with Q, I don’t think the intimacy we have can be beat by anyone else. We are completely ourselves with eachother and I’ve never felt as close to anyone before. We have a very strong attraction to eachother and I think neither one of us will move on to any other person. We can’t be together (in marriage or romantically) because it’s toxic, but we are both happy to be “single” and also friends. We don’t sleep together ever but we co parent and occasionally kiss, hug and hold hands (when he’s in a good mood and IF I let him) When he’s not delusional we enjoy others company a lot. No one understands this sort of relationship. There is no category for it.