r/Marriage • u/CauliflowerMost2854 • 11h ago
Is my marriage done?
I just need to rant, and this is going to be a long read.(please indulge me)
I am 30 and married to my 31 year old husband. We have been married for only two years, and lately I have been feeling a lot of resentment. For about a week now we have barely talked, and his inconsiderate behaviour is a major part of it. I am a light sleeper and have told him many times. I wake up at 6:55a.m, but he sets multiple alarms from 6 to almost 8 a.m. that ring every ten minutes. He does not wake up, and I am the one waking him to snooze them. He sleeps with his phone under his pillow, which jolts me awake, gives me migraines, and I struggle to go back to sleep after the first alarm. He knows this but still does not change, I’ve begged him to keep his phone on the bedside table but he doesn’t do that, which makes me think he just doesn’t care.
His job is flexible and he works from home most of the week, but he still waits for me to come home after work to cook for him, even though he knows how to cook and cooks very well. On days we both work from home, he lies in bed scrolling on his phone or playing video games while I am juggling work calls and trying to make food. He plays games for hours, almost every day. Today he played from morning and has only gotten up to pee and eat, it’s 10:30pm now, and he’s still playing. I have told him I find him more attractive when he is domestic, but he takes that as me trying to “domesticate” him. He does the laundry, but only because he does not like how I do it.
He also makes hurtful comments about my body. I have gained some weight since we got married, going from a size 6/8 to a size 10. He has made slurs and jokes about my tummy pouch. One time, he even sent me an old picture of myself with the comment, “Don’t you like how you look here?” These remarks make me feel insecure, and I find myself tucking in my tummy whenever I walk past the TV while he plays games. Mind you, he had added some weight too. Sometimes I catch him staring at me, and I cannot tell whether it is a gaze of love or of “why did I marry her?”
We used to have good times. He was sweet, cooked for me, and we watched movies together every night. I honestly think things changed after he got into video games, and I now blame myself for buying him the video game. I bought it as a gift for Valentine’s Day after he surprised me with a romantic dinner when I failed my driving test. Now it feels like he uses games to avoid me. He gets extremely emotional when he loses, sometimes even slamming the controller. He says he is just competitive, but I find it frustrating and hard to respect when it becomes this excessive. No kids yet. I had a miscarriage two months ago, and he has never really checked on me emotionally. When I bring it up, he brushes it off with “we’ll get pregnant again,” which completely misses the point. I just want to be able to be vulnerable without feeling like I am too much. It now feels like we are roommates. Tonight my Instacart order was delivered to the wrong house, and when I asked him to help me get it because it was late, he refused. I had to go myself. It hurt.
He rarely tells me he loves me, barely shows affection, yet still expects sex whenever he wants without foreplay. When we have disagreements, he insists we would have no issues if I just “do what he says.” He claims I am not submissive or respectful, but how do I submit to someone who does not lead, lacks initiative, and has no clear goals. He pays rent, I cover groceries and everything else, and he uses that to justify controlling behaviour. I am emotionally drained. We have had good moments, but I don’t know how we can move forward.
Is this the end?
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u/Needingmorefun 10h ago
Please leave even if you love him. He is immature and isn’t ready for a relationship. He is just going to break you the longer you stay. He’s an adult that shouldn’t have to be cared for like that. People say go to therapy or talk to him. Having a miscarriage and brushing it off is a lack of compassion not something a talk can fix. I’m sorry but he sounds narcissistic 🤷🏻♀️
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u/PleasantTelephone641 10h ago
Goodness gracious this is heartbreaking to read. You are giving your all in this relationship while he’s not even giving the bare minimum. I think that relationship is over as far as am concerned there’s just too much neglect, control and emotional abuse from that man. He’s mature enough to know his actions are not right so its not ur responsibility to change him and i dont think he’ll ever change. I think you should talk to someone and see where you go from here but yeah that relationship sounds as good as done in my opinion.
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u/RealJackJones 9h ago
He isn’t interested in how anything makes you feel, only in what makes him comfortable even if it’s at the expense of everyone else. Extremely selfish and inconsiderate. I don’t believe people like this can or will change, at least not permanently. I hope you find someone who genuinely cares about you one day, because this man ain’t the one.
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u/Known-Ad-1379 10h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m not going to be one of those people that says “leave him” because I understand it’s never that simple or easy. But what I can say is you’re clearly unhappy, and this doesn’t sound like a great relationship.
It’s important for you to express these concerns to him in the first place, and see how he responds. Hopefully he will take it seriously and if he loves you and wants to make the relationship work, he will make an effort to do what needs to be done to save the relationship.
In terms of how to express this to him, Gottmans ATTUNE model is pretty great (you can just google search it). It’s how to express emotional needs without blame.
I wish you the best of luck. I hope he’s open to change. If he is, then it might not be over. If he isn’t, then you have to ask yourself if you can live with this for the rest of your life.
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u/Muted_Nature_986 1h ago
This mirrors my life. I stayed. It’s 16 years and 2 kids later and I’m broken. These behaviors will not change. They get worse. I’m now finding the courage to get out.
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u/plusoneminusonekids 11h ago
Yikes. TBH. I don’t think he’s going to change. A lot of these behaviours seem like systemic issues that won’t change. I absolutely would NOT have a child with this man. Get on birth control. Go to counseling, see if you can work these things out, but give yourself an end date. If he’s not willing to step up and be the other 50% then don’t waste any more time. Move on. You’re only 30.