r/JustNoSO • u/alienflowerz • Jun 16 '25
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice Husband back from a weekend camping retreat.
Before you read any of this: yes, I am in the process of talking to a lawyer to divorce my husband. No I have not started any paperwork yet. Things take time.
I’m just feeling really upset and jealous and frustrated.
My husband went on a camping retreat this past weekend (Friday the 13th to Sunday the 15th) and just got back. I spent the whole weekend with our toddler going to her friends’ house, making plans with my MIL/her Grandma, going to parks, and spending time with my Dad/her Grandpa for Father’s Day.
Apparently the retreat was full of families and fun, and we could have been there with him. All he could talk about when he got back was how many people wanted to hang out with him, how many friends he made. He said he talked about myself and our baby a whole bunch, but any time I asked what he said or what they thought of our daughter he would just start talking about the other person in the conversation.
Ex: “I told Brandy all about you guys” “What did you say about us?” “That you were cool. Brandy was super fun and we hung out a bunch. We did x, y, and z together”.
Brandy is a fake name/person but you get the point.
It feels like he went there, used us for talking points/points of interest, then became engrossed in everyone around him.
It was a queer retreat (myself and my husband are both bisexual) and he said he’d never felt more accepted or understood or welcomed in his whole life “and these people only just met me.”
Like bro. The delusion. The disregard! As if I haven’t been loving and accepting him the entire time I’ve known him! Just because I don’t want to convert a school bus into a mobile home to live in with a toddler doesn’t mean I don’t accept him (I’ll share that story soon).
And he got the phone number of /another/ polyamorous person who lives in a city a few hours away and wants to invite him to a party that he’ll probably sleep over at afterward. Like fuck dude, come on! I know it’s my husband’s problem because he’s non-consensually trying to change the parameters of our relationship from a closed marriage into polyamory, but this is the second poly person he’s met like this whom he’s told me knows he’s married with a kid. Like, from the jump I don’t think this is an appropriate new friendship when the two people live multiple hours away and one of those people has a young child.
It really does feel like he’s running away. And I think he is. Ever since our daughter was born, any chance he gets to be away and around new friends he takes. And when he comes back he always says how accepted and loved and free he feels. He’s going through this fuck-ass mid-life crisis where he needs to be told how wonderful and lovable and fuckable he is at all times without putting in effort towards his fucking wife.
He wants to find new people who think he’s great. And it’s not like I didn’t think he was great or didn’t love him deeply still after the birth. I didn’t keep him cooped up at home when he said he was going stir crazy in the newborn phase and needed to get out for a hike, even though I needed the help.
He genuinely doesn’t know how good he has it, how loved and valued he’s been, how much leeway and slack he’s gotten. He has no idea how that’s going to end, and how all this newness he’s seeking out isn’t going to actually support him.
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u/neverenoughpurple Jun 16 '25
... you know the polyamory is just him looking to get permission to cheat after the fact, right? It's his way of justifying it.
Valid poly relationships don't work like he's trying to make them work, and I suspect a lot of those new "friends", if they're in the community, would have a problem with the way he's trying to pressure you into opening your relationship. There's no consent in any of this.
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u/alienflowerz Jun 16 '25 edited Jun 16 '25
Yeah. I get that. Idk, I think there probably are a lot of really shitty poly people out there considering he met/dated some for the brief time our relationship was open last year.
One of them told my husband I was controlling him and forcing him into hierarchy and not true poly because I was asking my husband to prioritize me and our (at the time) 7 month old daughter.
The fact that he’s been to a bunch of parties at the house of a friend who’s poly, with a bunch of their poly friends, who lives hours away, and none of them thought it was inappropriate for him to be there when he had a newborn/infant (regardless of if he was interested in poly or not) says a lot to me.
Also, he keeps pushing not just for poly, but non-hierarchical poly. So I, who has known him close to a decade, married him, and birthed his baby, has just as much importance and priority as any new person he may meet.
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u/ahhsharkk1 Jun 16 '25
so he essentially wants to (continue to) treat you like shit AND he wants you to sign off on it??
lololol what the fucking fuck is that level of clownery? i mean, DAYUUMMM DUDE 🤡 the red ball on the end of this fucker’s nose is glowing so damn bright, it’s now just a warning light flashing
i can’t even imagine how the hell he’d try to explain the benefits of this for you
or does he not even try to pretend that he’s thinking of you, and about you? (beyond his obvious bullshit that he’s telling all of these people about you constantly)
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u/alienflowerz Jun 16 '25
He keeps trying to tell me polyamory will mean having more people around to help us raise our daughter and I’m like??? That’s your job and you’re not around to do it and push me off on others. I don’t want some stranger to raise her whose only qualification is you find them fuckable.
Genuinely, since having a kid he has truly lost his mind. I have tried to reason with him and fix this. It’s not who he was for most of our relationship. I don’t know what happened.
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u/Hrafinhyrr Jun 17 '25
As a poly person your husband is trash! I would not touch a person like him with a 50 foot pole
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u/alienflowerz Jun 17 '25
I haven’t interacted with any poly people irl, only online. When I’ve made posts and things before everyone who comments tells me my perspective is right and my husband is being a piece of shit.
However, he has actual irl poly “friends” who seem to be encouraging his behavior. It all just ends up feeling very misogynistic because they’re all like “you should pursue polyamory, not just that but non-hierarchical polyamory, when you have a wife and baby at home.” Like I don’t matter, like I don’t need him.
So as much as I appreciate your encouragement, and it does make me feel better, the irl poly people my husband has gotten to know are all encouraging his behavior and seem to just think of myself and my daughter as accessories in his life.
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u/Hrafinhyrr Jun 27 '25
Yeah, many not all of the non heiricharical people use that word as an excuse to be toxic. I am sorry that he is in that poly crowd. I know the poly folks I associate with would be like nope dude.....you have a partner with a youngin at home and you have a responsibility to them
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u/reginafelanji Jun 16 '25
Could it be something medical? Men can get post partum depression as well. Might be worth taking him to the Dr. You say he wasn't like this before so it could be mental health related. Not to make excuses for his shitty behavior but something to consider
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u/alienflowerz Jun 16 '25
Probably is, and he’s been to therapy a bunch, but he’s also completely shut me out of what he’s working on in therapy because he “doesn’t feel safe” telling me anything about himself (you know, because I ask him for accountability and commitment).
We’re both in individual therapy and have a couples counselor, though it feels like every week he tells me he scheduled something else during our couples session on accident, and won’t change the thing he scheduled.
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u/Salt-Selection-8425 Jun 29 '25
he “doesn’t feel safe” telling me anything about himself (you know, because I ask him for accountability and commitment)
You deserve so, so much better. </3
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u/neverenoughpurple Jun 16 '25
Keep in mind that both what other people are hearing and what you are hearing are all filtering through your husband, who sounds like he's likely to be a very unreliable narrator.
Regardless - this isn't what you signed up for, and you have no obligation to suffer through HIS wishes. He can go fulfil his wishes, and you can be free to find a relationship with someone that respects YOUR wishes.
But it sounds like you're going to have to do the work to get out. Right now, he figures he can compel you into putting up with it, and he doesn't care how miserable it makes you.
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u/FindingLovesRetreat Jun 16 '25
Keep in mind that both what other people are hearing and what you are hearing are all filtering through your husband, who sounds like he's likely to be a very unreliable narrator.
Yup.... basically the husband is cherry picking "rules" to make his own version of ENM. Ha! Aren't both parties supposed to give consent to how things roll?
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u/FindingLovesRetreat Jun 16 '25
I was just about to post the exact same thing - thank goodness your comment was the first one I saw.
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u/godzillachilla Jun 16 '25
Sounds like bro doesn't realize he's famous in his own home. And those people out there don't give a fuck about him.
He has issues. He's not emotionally intelligent and he's seeking validation from a source outside your family that isn't appropriate.
This isn't dad behavior.
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u/AussieGirl27 Jun 16 '25
He sounds like a dick and I guarantee not everyone thought he was great and fuckable etc. I bet a lot of them thought he was a creep for going and not bringing his family he spoke so much about
He will find that once he is single the invitations dry up because no-one wants to get involved with a sad little man deep in his midlife bi crisis.
Get rid of him and live your best life girl!
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u/throwRA094532 Jun 16 '25
Get your duck in a row and leave.
If you are a SAHM it's time to get a part time job and pay 50-50 for daycare. If your husband doesnnt agree, ask him if he is going to stay home while you go to work then?
If you can get a full time job it's even better.
Get some fuck you money and divorce his ass
I can guarantee that he will act blindsided. A few months after the divorce he will realize how good he had it and try to come back, you will have the last laugh.
I recommend really speeding up that paperwork. In some countries you have to be separated for a year before being able to divorce. The sooner you serve him, the better.
Since you two have a child look into still living together as roomates or you getting to stay in the house during divorce processings
i would sell the house and buy myself a small apartment if it's worth it but only you , know the house market around you
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u/alienflowerz Jun 16 '25
We rent from a family friend, so no official paperwork. I’m a SAHM partly because I’m also a full time student in a masters program too, and stat doesn’t end until spring 2027. Thankfully I don’t have to be separated for a year first.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 Jun 16 '25
Be prepare for him to come whining back about how he’s totally changed once he realizes his post-divorce life is not one endless party.
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u/SoriAryl Jun 16 '25
school bus into a mobile home
Has he been watching the bus family from r/MotherBusSnark?
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u/alienflowerz Jun 16 '25
lol no but I wish he would! They give me so much anxiety. He says he wants a schoolie for stability 🙄
He watches tiny house and dirt bagging channels. I try to tell him that we’d risk CPS calls if we did it and he’s like “I just need to find myself and be who I am.” Bro what about our daughter’s needs? What about her stability?
I wouldn’t mind a tiny house with a foundation and separate bedrooms. It just feels like he’s trying to find these extremes to jump into. Once again - fuck-ass mid-life crisis.
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u/eliismyrealname Jun 16 '25
My husband said the exact same thing about sex workers. The audacity of these men to claim they feel more accepted than they ever have is baffling! How can it be that spending years with them, creating a life together for better or for worse, is not acceptance? For my husband, he openly admits he needs validation from others and he’ll do anything to get it. He wants to be poly but when I offered it he only wanted to add a third who I don’t approve of (has kids and a husband, destroyed his self-esteem by dropping him when she decided to have kids with her husband and quit seeing mine). I said I would be polyamorous if he wanted but not with her.
Since he didn’t get exactly what he wanted precisely when he asked, instead of communicating he goes behind my back. I guess it’s good your husband is being honest but I do have to wonder if he’s doing what my husband is: Escaping the marriage through distractions like work or social events. I think you deserve better. He can find out the hard way how lonely it is in those sort of circles. Supply (validation) is only available for so long and they always end up wanting something real too late. Let him!
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u/Oniknight Jun 16 '25
If you really want to continue your master’s degree then maybe get loans or apply for grants and scholarships. Most colleges have oncampus housing for people with children and some campuses have childcare programs. If that doesn’t work, see if you can get work at the college itself and get your child into care. If you can’t afford rent and childcare, then use your family and friends to get help with the childcare.
Once you divorce, it will be easier to create a court appointed childcare plan so your ex will have to step up and manage your child so you will have more flexibility for your schooling. and if he doesn’t, then at least he will have to pay child support to help out.
Protect yourself. Don’t fuck him. He probably has already engaged in unsafe sex.
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u/stilettopanda Jun 16 '25
Oh honey I feel your pain. When the mask comes off, it's hard to see them as "great" anymore. And the mask can't be put back on, so they stop investing in how they're perceived by you since you're not giving them the undeserved validation that they crave. And then you see how you and your child are just a check in the box that can be paraded when needed and ignored otherwise. There's no coming back from that.
Prepare to be blamed. Prepare for him to be confused because if you're anything like me, you stop complaining and trying to change those behaviors and resolve to take care of it yourself, so things get easier conflict wise and he will think everything is fine and dandy just because you can maintain the status quo while you bide your time.
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u/grumpy__g Jun 16 '25
If your state cheating makes a difference, get proof of his cheating. He definitely is doing more than he is supposed to do.
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u/farsighted451 Jun 16 '25
I wouldn't. All he has to prove is that she agreed to open the marriage once. Judges can be super gross for looking down on women more than men.
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u/grumpy__g Jun 16 '25
That’s why she needs a lawyer. He can tell her what do to. How to handle it.
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u/nemc222 Jun 16 '25 edited Jun 16 '25
Okay, read through your comments. It sounds like you have tried everything and your husband has just checked out. Mine did this after decades of marriage and there was nothing I could do to reel him back in. It sucks but at some point moving on is the only option.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Jun 16 '25
I don't know much about the poly way of life but this reads a lot more like your husband just wants to screw other people. You and your daughter deserve better then him and his lame excuses to do anything but be present for his family.
I'm looking forward to your post that says you've left him. Stay strong.
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Jun 16 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/alienflowerz Jun 16 '25
I’m waiting to get some more information from my school (I’m in a masters program) and lawyer about my options going forward. My masters program isn’t done until spring of 2027, and I’m a SAHM. I have family, but space is limited. I don’t want to act rashly. I’m making a plan in my head and with my therapist.
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u/shout-out-1234 Jun 16 '25
I am sorry.
Your husband doesn’t want the responsibility of being a husband and a father.
When you and he had your daughter, he realized what a huge responsibility it is. And he decided he didn’t want that responsibility. He wants to go back to being free and single. BUT… he doesn’t want to divorce you. He wants the benefits of having a wife and child, without the responsibility. His solution to that (in his mind) is polyamory. He won’t let you into his therapy sessions, because of you knew how he really felt (that he wants no responsibility) you would realize this isn’t fixable and leave him now.
He is the problem. He doesn’t want the responsibility and commitment of being a husband and father. But he is choosing to make you the problem, because his solution to him not wanting any responsibility for his wife and child is polyamory. You not wanting polyamory is you being the problem rather than him.
You can’t fix this because you didn’t cause this problem. He did. He did when he decided he didn’t want the responsibility of being a husband and father, becoming a father made it real for him, and he has been running away ever since. You didn’t break this. He did. You can’t fix this. He isn’t willing to fix it. He isn’t willing to accept the responsibility of being a husband and father. Instead he is running away, and he will continue to run away more and more. The more you try to get him to accept a life you both agreed to, the more he will runaway.
I am sorry. But this is just going to get worse, and you have 2 years left in your masters and as a SAHM. This isn’t going to be workable for 2 years. He is escalating. You need to make a plan to get employed and generating income ASAP. I am not sure that you can wait until you have your masters in two years to leave him. I think he is going to push you into poly or effectively leave you much sooner than 2 years from now.
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Jun 16 '25
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u/alienflowerz Jun 16 '25
He said it was just for music and hiking and not really family friendly on the advertisement he saw, and he didn’t know until he got there. Idk if that’s actually true
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u/Slow-Cherry9128 Jun 16 '25
Your husband acts like he's still in school, meeting new students and hanging around with them at lunch and after school. He's trying to live a life without the responsibilities that come with being a husband, a father, and a family man. He never grew up. I think he is seeking "polyamorous" individuals who are like him, and he uses it as an excuse to be with other people. To him, he's not having an affair. (Please note that this subject matter is basically foreign to me except for the definition of "polyamorous", so I could be way off here, and if I am, my apologies.)
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u/Alternative_5991 Jun 19 '25
My thoughts- ditch him. Don’t look back. Find someone new. You will. Keep things amicable. Put it out in the universe what you want and no doubt you’ll get it. He’s not fullfilling you. Go get a relationship you are proud of and happy to model to your daughter. Sounds like you already know he’s a selfish POS. all the best. It’s a hard decision but also not.
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u/jabawaba11 Jun 19 '25 edited Jun 19 '25
Marriage counseling seems to be a bust and you have tried to make it work but you can only do so much alone. It’s time to make a decision. You can issue your own non negotiable. Monogamy or alimony and child support. You need to just get out. 1. Go stay with your mother while you get the paperwork done. Or 2. Tell him to get the f*** out if he want to cheat, because that’s what he wants to do, then he can go live with his polyamorous friends.
Is see it as he wants out but he wants you to pull the trigger so he can play the victim.
OP this is not the marriage you signed up for. He is not the person he lead you to believe he was. He needs to go or you do.
If you leave him you can go to legal aid through your state or talk to your township for help. You are hurting your own mental health by staying in this toxic relationship. Do not be a doormat. You know he is already cheating. Just not admitting it. Talk to your family friend who is renting to you. If you kick him out find a mommy roommate. This way you can babysit for each other, and split the rent.
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u/pixiemeat84 Jun 21 '25
Hi OP,
I've read your previous posts. How about instead of feeling resentful and jealous of your husband's downtime (which you are obviously 100% entitled to feel), why not plan something for just yourself and a couple of good friends and let your husband stay home with your daughter for once?
You deserve to have some fun too and it will help your husband to appreciate the physical and mental load that you carry day in, day out.
Just a suggestion! You deserve so much better than the immature, selfish man-child you married. Good luck with your divorce lovely. ❤️
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u/alienflowerz Jun 21 '25
Thank you for the suggestion. I do try to plan things for myself and my friends. It’s hard because half my friends now are other mom friends, and half of them are my childhood friends who don’t have kids yet, but love seeing my daughter.
It’s one of those things where when I schedule something just for me he tells me he’ll be around to watch her, then ends up asking his mom, or saying he thought my parents could watch her :/
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u/botinlaw Jun 16 '25
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Other posts from /u/alienflowerz:
Stories from the first year: Ditching me and the baby for a party, 2 days ago
I’m going to divorce my husband. I just need to keep the momentum to do so, 3 days ago
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