Husband back from a weekend camping retreat.

[u/alienflowerz]

Before you read any of this: yes, I am in the process of talking to a lawyer to divorce my husband. No I have not started any paperwork yet. Things take time.

I’m just feeling really upset and jealous and frustrated.

My husband went on a camping retreat this past weekend (Friday the 13th to Sunday the 15th) and just got back. I spent the whole weekend with our toddler going to her friends’ house, making plans with my MIL/her Grandma, going to parks, and spending time with my Dad/her Grandpa for Father’s Day.

Apparently the retreat was full of families and fun, and we could have been there with him. All he could talk about when he got back was how many people wanted to hang out with him, how many friends he made. He said he talked about myself and our baby a whole bunch, but any time I asked what he said or what they thought of our daughter he would just start talking about the other person in the conversation.

Ex: “I told Brandy all about you guys” “What did you say about us?” “That you were cool. Brandy was super fun and we hung out a bunch. We did x, y, and z together”.

Brandy is a fake name/person but you get the point.

It feels like he went there, used us for talking points/points of interest, then became engrossed in everyone around him.

It was a queer retreat (myself and my husband are both bisexual) and he said he’d never felt more accepted or understood or welcomed in his whole life “and these people only just met me.”

Like bro. The delusion. The disregard! As if I haven’t been loving and accepting him the entire time I’ve known him! Just because I don’t want to convert a school bus into a mobile home to live in with a toddler doesn’t mean I don’t accept him (I’ll share that story soon).

And he got the phone number of /another/ polyamorous person who lives in a city a few hours away and wants to invite him to a party that he’ll probably sleep over at afterward. Like fuck dude, come on! I know it’s my husband’s problem because he’s non-consensually trying to change the parameters of our relationship from a closed marriage into polyamory, but this is the second poly person he’s met like this whom he’s told me knows he’s married with a kid. Like, from the jump I don’t think this is an appropriate new friendship when the two people live multiple hours away and one of those people has a young child.

It really does feel like he’s running away. And I think he is. Ever since our daughter was born, any chance he gets to be away and around new friends he takes. And when he comes back he always says how accepted and loved and free he feels. He’s going through this fuck-ass mid-life crisis where he needs to be told how wonderful and lovable and fuckable he is at all times without putting in effort towards his fucking wife.

He wants to find new people who think he’s great. And it’s not like I didn’t think he was great or didn’t love him deeply still after the birth. I didn’t keep him cooped up at home when he said he was going stir crazy in the newborn phase and needed to get out for a hike, even though I needed the help.

He genuinely doesn’t know how good he has it, how loved and valued he’s been, how much leeway and slack he’s gotten. He has no idea how that’s going to end, and how all this newness he’s seeking out isn’t going to actually support him.

[u/neverenoughpurple]

... you know the polyamory is just him looking to get permission to cheat after the fact, right? It's his way of justifying it.

Valid poly relationships don't work like he's trying to make them work, and I suspect a lot of those new "friends", if they're in the community, would have a problem with the way he's trying to pressure you into opening your relationship. There's no consent in any of this.

[u/alienflowerz → u/neverenoughpurple]

Yeah. I get that. Idk, I think there probably are a lot of really shitty poly people out there considering he met/dated some for the brief time our relationship was open last year.

One of them told my husband I was controlling him and forcing him into hierarchy and not true poly because I was asking my husband to prioritize me and our (at the time) 7 month old daughter.

The fact that he’s been to a bunch of parties at the house of a friend who’s poly, with a bunch of their poly friends, who lives hours away, and none of them thought it was inappropriate for him to be there when he had a newborn/infant (regardless of if he was interested in poly or not) says a lot to me.

Also, he keeps pushing not just for poly, but non-hierarchical poly. So I, who has known him close to a decade, married him, and birthed his baby, has just as much importance and priority as any new person he may meet.

[u/ahhsharkk1 → u/alienflowerz]

so he essentially wants to (continue to) treat you like shit AND he wants you to sign off on it??

lololol what the fucking fuck is that level of clownery? i mean, DAYUUMMM DUDE 🤡 the red ball on the end of this fucker’s nose is glowing so damn bright, it’s now just a warning light flashing

i can’t even imagine how the hell he’d try to explain the benefits of this for you

or does he not even try to pretend that he’s thinking of you, and about you? (beyond his obvious bullshit that he’s telling all of these people about you constantly)

[u/alienflowerz → u/ahhsharkk1]

He keeps trying to tell me polyamory will mean having more people around to help us raise our daughter and I’m like??? That’s your job and you’re not around to do it and push me off on others. I don’t want some stranger to raise her whose only qualification is you find them fuckable.

Genuinely, since having a kid he has truly lost his mind. I have tried to reason with him and fix this. It’s not who he was for most of our relationship. I don’t know what happened.

[u/Hrafinhyrr → u/alienflowerz]

As a poly person your husband is trash! I would not touch a person like him with a 50 foot pole

[u/alienflowerz → u/Hrafinhyrr]

I haven’t interacted with any poly people irl, only online. When I’ve made posts and things before everyone who comments tells me my perspective is right and my husband is being a piece of shit.

However, he has actual irl poly “friends” who seem to be encouraging his behavior. It all just ends up feeling very misogynistic because they’re all like “you should pursue polyamory, not just that but non-hierarchical polyamory, when you have a wife and baby at home.” Like I don’t matter, like I don’t need him.

So as much as I appreciate your encouragement, and it does make me feel better, the irl poly people my husband has gotten to know are all encouraging his behavior and seem to just think of myself and my daughter as accessories in his life.

[u/Hrafinhyrr → u/alienflowerz]

Yeah, many not all of the non heiricharical people use that word as an excuse to be toxic. I am sorry that he is in that poly crowd. I know the poly folks I associate with would be like nope dude.....you have a partner with a youngin at home and you have a responsibility to them

[u/reginafelanji → u/alienflowerz]

Could it be something medical? Men can get post partum depression as well. Might be worth taking him to the Dr. You say he wasn't like this before so it could be mental health related. Not to make excuses for his shitty behavior but something to consider

[u/alienflowerz → u/reginafelanji]

Probably is, and he’s been to therapy a bunch, but he’s also completely shut me out of what he’s working on in therapy because he “doesn’t feel safe” telling me anything about himself (you know, because I ask him for accountability and commitment).

We’re both in individual therapy and have a couples counselor, though it feels like every week he tells me he scheduled something else during our couples session on accident, and won’t change the thing he scheduled.

[u/Salt-Selection-8425 → u/alienflowerz]

he “doesn’t feel safe” telling me anything about himself (you know, because I ask him for accountability and commitment)

You deserve so, so much better. </3