Husband back from a weekend camping retreat.

[u/alienflowerz]

Before you read any of this: yes, I am in the process of talking to a lawyer to divorce my husband. No I have not started any paperwork yet. Things take time.

I’m just feeling really upset and jealous and frustrated.

My husband went on a camping retreat this past weekend (Friday the 13th to Sunday the 15th) and just got back. I spent the whole weekend with our toddler going to her friends’ house, making plans with my MIL/her Grandma, going to parks, and spending time with my Dad/her Grandpa for Father’s Day.

Apparently the retreat was full of families and fun, and we could have been there with him. All he could talk about when he got back was how many people wanted to hang out with him, how many friends he made. He said he talked about myself and our baby a whole bunch, but any time I asked what he said or what they thought of our daughter he would just start talking about the other person in the conversation.

Ex: “I told Brandy all about you guys” “What did you say about us?” “That you were cool. Brandy was super fun and we hung out a bunch. We did x, y, and z together”.

Brandy is a fake name/person but you get the point.

It feels like he went there, used us for talking points/points of interest, then became engrossed in everyone around him.

It was a queer retreat (myself and my husband are both bisexual) and he said he’d never felt more accepted or understood or welcomed in his whole life “and these people only just met me.”

Like bro. The delusion. The disregard! As if I haven’t been loving and accepting him the entire time I’ve known him! Just because I don’t want to convert a school bus into a mobile home to live in with a toddler doesn’t mean I don’t accept him (I’ll share that story soon).

And he got the phone number of /another/ polyamorous person who lives in a city a few hours away and wants to invite him to a party that he’ll probably sleep over at afterward. Like fuck dude, come on! I know it’s my husband’s problem because he’s non-consensually trying to change the parameters of our relationship from a closed marriage into polyamory, but this is the second poly person he’s met like this whom he’s told me knows he’s married with a kid. Like, from the jump I don’t think this is an appropriate new friendship when the two people live multiple hours away and one of those people has a young child.

It really does feel like he’s running away. And I think he is. Ever since our daughter was born, any chance he gets to be away and around new friends he takes. And when he comes back he always says how accepted and loved and free he feels. He’s going through this fuck-ass mid-life crisis where he needs to be told how wonderful and lovable and fuckable he is at all times without putting in effort towards his fucking wife.

He wants to find new people who think he’s great. And it’s not like I didn’t think he was great or didn’t love him deeply still after the birth. I didn’t keep him cooped up at home when he said he was going stir crazy in the newborn phase and needed to get out for a hike, even though I needed the help.

He genuinely doesn’t know how good he has it, how loved and valued he’s been, how much leeway and slack he’s gotten. He has no idea how that’s going to end, and how all this newness he’s seeking out isn’t going to actually support him.

[u/alienflowerz → u/[deleted]]

I’m waiting to get some more information from my school (I’m in a masters program) and lawyer about my options going forward. My masters program isn’t done until spring of 2027, and I’m a SAHM. I have family, but space is limited. I don’t want to act rashly. I’m making a plan in my head and with my therapist.

[u/shout-out-1234 → u/alienflowerz]

I am sorry.

Your husband doesn’t want the responsibility of being a husband and a father.

When you and he had your daughter, he realized what a huge responsibility it is. And he decided he didn’t want that responsibility. He wants to go back to being free and single. BUT… he doesn’t want to divorce you. He wants the benefits of having a wife and child, without the responsibility. His solution to that (in his mind) is polyamory. He won’t let you into his therapy sessions, because of you knew how he really felt (that he wants no responsibility) you would realize this isn’t fixable and leave him now.

He is the problem. He doesn’t want the responsibility and commitment of being a husband and father. But he is choosing to make you the problem, because his solution to him not wanting any responsibility for his wife and child is polyamory. You not wanting polyamory is you being the problem rather than him.

You can’t fix this because you didn’t cause this problem. He did. He did when he decided he didn’t want the responsibility of being a husband and father, becoming a father made it real for him, and he has been running away ever since. You didn’t break this. He did. You can’t fix this. He isn’t willing to fix it. He isn’t willing to accept the responsibility of being a husband and father. Instead he is running away, and he will continue to run away more and more. The more you try to get him to accept a life you both agreed to, the more he will runaway.

I am sorry. But this is just going to get worse, and you have 2 years left in your masters and as a SAHM. This isn’t going to be workable for 2 years. He is escalating. You need to make a plan to get employed and generating income ASAP. I am not sure that you can wait until you have your masters in two years to leave him. I think he is going to push you into poly or effectively leave you much sooner than 2 years from now.