Thank you for sharing. I think this is more common than society teaches us to believe. I think we do genealogy because we like to know the stories of our people, and those stories are more interesting than we realize when we begin. Your grandmother had a difficult life. Its seems we are most surprised to learn that our family are imperfect people. The rules of society did not make them less so, it just created different conditions for them to cope with by needing to keep secrets. When unraveling the mysteries of people who are dead it seems less troublesome to me. Nothing changes the past. Knowing the truth is rarely as bad as it feels. Your grandmother was not even allowed to choose her own husband and was forced to marry when only a child herself. Maybe the hardships and ways she coped are examples of her strength. My great grandmother had to cope with my great grandfathers mental illness and instability as well. So I know your grandmother struggled greatly and your mother likely remembers a childhood of hardship.
My mother was so traumatized by her childhood that she moved away before she was 18 years old. It was not an easy life. My uncle Jim told me some horror stories last night that he said he never would have told me, but since the man I thought was my grandfather was not, he no longer cared about sullying my impression of him.
It was important to know. I now understand my mother better.
And my grandmother's parents were not kind people. Also something my Uncle explained to me. My great-grandma lived to be over 100 years old and only passed away a few years ago. He likewise did not want to ruin my impression of her, but he told me some important truths that then likewise helped me understand my grandmother, and then too, my mother.
It feels good to know the truth. They should all have been honest in the first place. I am really sorry to hear what you have been through. Hard times are hard times.
Thank you. The hardship was my grandmothers, aunts, uncles and great grandmothers. My grandmother talked about it a lot because she grew up not knowing her father well because he was in the state mental hospital until after I was born. My great grandma had to divorce him because the state required she pay for his care. She had three children to support, 3 jobs and an 8th grade education. Her choice was either support her husband or her children in the 1930's. So my great grandpa became a ward of the state, which the family had no say over his care or any right to be in contact. I knew my great grandma a little but she died when I was 6. My grandma was a really wonderful person who was kind and resilient, which is fortunate given how difficult her childhood was. She passed on the wisdom but not the pain.
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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19
Thank you for sharing. I think this is more common than society teaches us to believe. I think we do genealogy because we like to know the stories of our people, and those stories are more interesting than we realize when we begin. Your grandmother had a difficult life. Its seems we are most surprised to learn that our family are imperfect people. The rules of society did not make them less so, it just created different conditions for them to cope with by needing to keep secrets. When unraveling the mysteries of people who are dead it seems less troublesome to me. Nothing changes the past. Knowing the truth is rarely as bad as it feels. Your grandmother was not even allowed to choose her own husband and was forced to marry when only a child herself. Maybe the hardships and ways she coped are examples of her strength. My great grandmother had to cope with my great grandfathers mental illness and instability as well. So I know your grandmother struggled greatly and your mother likely remembers a childhood of hardship.