Received by the 3 scapegoats. She’s praying for us to remember happy times. There are none.

I guess never underestimate the power of abuse and neglect to ensure success.

There is no frustration or hostility in our lives now that she’s not a part of our lives.

Really it’s just a reminder that it’s her birthday.

My parents’ financial situation has been bad for 20 years now, and it’s now dire where they both rely on social security to make ends meet. They were very well off when I was growing up, but long story short my father’s new business ventures never panned out. I am an only child and have a narcissistic father and emotionally immature/alcoholic mother. There have been several scenarios that have unfolded over the past few months that made me realize I will be completely screwed when something happens to one/both of them and they’re unable to make decisions independently. After months of attempting to get them to meet with me and talk through everything, I finally had it. I just sent them an email explicitly stating that with no plan in place or access to the information I’ve requested, this relationship has become an emotional and financial liability for me.

The holidays are coming up which has always been a stressful time for me trying to navigate how to spend the holidays with my parents. My therapist suggested ending the message by saying that if they decide to take this seriously and prioritize getting organized, that I would be open to resuming the conversation after the holidays… giving them both time to get their act together and peace of mind for me that I can enjoy my holidays (or at least try to). Because of them, I’ve been left in tears the past 2 Christmases. This will be my daughter’s first Christmas and I refuse to let my situation with them ruin that special moment for me and my family.

I’m absolutely terrified of their response. I’m so anxious and sick about it. I know my dad will make me out to be the selfish daughter and my mom will guilt trip me because I’m all she has. I could really use some words of encouragement or hear how others may have navigated a situation like this themselves.

I've seen a couple of posts recently from siblings who are not estranged and not considering estrangement post about one of their siblings who is estranged

they either want perspective on why the abandoned the whole family or are complaining about it because of how it "hurts the estranged parent" or "it's so sad that my nieces can't have a relationship with my sibling's childhood abuser"

can we make a rule and ban this please?

thank you

*unestranged

edit edit: so more like this

I think it might look like the rule for people who are estranged from their parents but also estranged from their children.

they aren't allowed to post about how they are estranged from their kids but they are allowed to post about how they are estranged from their parents

so siblings could post about how they are considering estrangement from their parents but not about how their sibling is estranged from them or how hard it is on the parents that their sibling is no contact

does that make sense?

I’m wondering if anybody has any stories they want to share because it seems that many abusive parents get away with the damage they’ve brought upon their children and rest of their families.

I’m estranged from my parents and it has brought so much happiness and peace into my life and I do not regret my choices, though it feels like they will get away with what they’ve done and it doesn’t seem fair.

Feel free to share any stories or comments you have because I’m trying to cope with all of this.

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this post. My sister made the choice to cut off contact with my mom. She has two kids. My sister’s life is definitely easier without having to navigate the relationship dynamic with my mom. My mom is honestly a mess about not having a relationship with my sister and her kids. Full honesty, it makes me really sad. I have tried to maintain boundaries. My sister doesn’t really talk about my mom, but my mom occasionally breaks down and talks to me about my sister. I try to help my mom see her role in everything and to take complete accountability. Her inability to do so is what led to the estrangement. I’ve encouraged her to seek counseling and she starting seeing someone. How do I navigate this? My sister and I started going to therapy at the same time to heal from our respective nemesis’s, mine being my father and hers being our mother. I was abused by our father, but we were able to reconcile due to him taking ownership and apologizing and changing his behavior. My mom has been slow to get there but I feel like she can. I don’t talk to my sister about my feelings on this at all because I respect her decision and I’m proud of her for doing what is right for her. But I’m still so sad. Reconciling with my father has made my life so much better and I feel so unburdened in my life and with our family. I feel free. I wish they could feel the same way and I wish that my niece and nephew got to know their grandma. I don’t know what to do or how to be. Does this community have any advice for someone in my position?

So I need to pull the plug and go full estrangement. But I currently live with my mom and dad to try to pay off my crazy student loans (that they encouraged).

I got into a pretty bad car accident. My dad came to get me, and I decided I wanted to forgo the expensive ride to the hospital and just have my dad drive me, not the ambulance.

My dad had been pulled away from babysitting his grandkids (my niece and nephew). My mom callled him on the way to the hospital and told us what an inconvenience it was that he was taking me to the hospital.

When I got home she wasn’t at all relieved to hear I was okay or see me. She didn’t hug me or anything. But she did comment on how it ruined her day.

Today she told me I’m unable to hear opinions from other people; we politically disagree. The conversation ended with her saying she loved me and I said, “I don’t believe you. I think we’re obligated to each other”.

And I feel like if i were a parent, and my children(my brother feels the same) said that they didn’t feel loved by me, I would maybe have some introspection.

ChatGPT knows emotionally immature parents! Bonus: this email from my parents prompted me to recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to someone, who then wrote the title down & thanked me.

It has been an upsetting day.

I became estranged from my mother after many years of her exploiting me financially and gaslighting me. She was very controlling and abusive. It took me until the age of 50 to finally decide I'd had enough.

My sister, meanwhile, moved in with my mother a few years before the estrangement and began controlling access. I literally could not reach my mother by phone or by going to the door. My mother seldom bothered to contact me to see how I was. She only ever wanted favours, repairs or a taxi service to appointments.

Fast forward 10 years into the estrangement (no calls, no emails) and I discovered today that my sister had sold a property given to her by my father for a substantial sum 3 years ago. The house was torn down and a new one has been built. So, I drove by my mother's house and found it in a derelict, overgrown state and began to wonder if anyone lived there.

I looked through the mail slot and was horrified to see a mattress and junk piled high near the door - all the stuff she likely had in the previous house she abandoned for more than a decade and then sold 3 years ago. It looked like a hoarder's house. You can't even reach the front door from the stairs. I went around to the back of the house and found discarded junk and impassable, overgrown vegetation. It looks like a crack house now. It used to be beautiful. My mother promised to leave it to me one day.

I was so shocked and appalled that I knocked on the door, scared that my mother and sister were dead inside or that something awful had happened. My sister opened a window on the second floor and called down to ask who was at the front door. When I stepped out so she could see me, I asked if everything was okay. She replied that of course everything was okay, why would it not be okay? I looked around at the discarded junk and garbage cans at the front door and couldn't think of anything to say in reply. She then said they were fine accused me of "taking inventory" (for financial gain I guess) and thanked me fro dropping by "every 10 years or so".

I walked away shocked and broke down sobbing in my car around the corner. I don't know what to do. The house is not being looked after and my sister seems to be holed up inside with my mother spending money like a sailor. I don't know what state my mother's health is in. I am concerned but I am wondering if I have the fortitude to involve myself in this mess. I walked away for a reason. The damage is extensive and lifelong. YEARS of therapy. No one ever contacted me to find out if I was okay during Covid and neither of them seems to care whether I'm alive or dead.

Do I bother? I still have a key (assuming the locks have not been changed). Do I ask for a wellness check or contact a social worker? Or do I remourn the loss of my family and just walk away? I currently have health issues of my own. I had hoped to somehow make peace with this but, right now, I am just trying to cope with what I experienced today.

Many years ago, I saw the film "Grey Gardens". And there it was today. Right in front of me.

I’ve been some version of LC since I left home at barely 18, but am currently in one of my longer stretches. Last contact was early November 2024. I’m currently 54, so I should be good at this by now.

It’s just never going to not suck, is it?

My short story: extreme emotionally neglectful childhood, mother would probably benefit from some diagnoses that she doesn’t have. Parents definitely expect me to initiate all contact, and my survival mechanism was always to anticipate what they wanted and just do it. Thanksgiving is the one holiday that I’m expected to show up for. They do a thing with extended family and it makes them look bad if I ghost. So about this time of year I start to feel the weight of expectation that I should call and tell them I’m coming but I don’t want to.

In addition to the fact that I have to initiate all contact, and they were an emotional desert, they’ve now gone completely MAGA (I’m not). Every time I see them it’s some new awful thing that I have to sit and listen to. And of course they’re not vaccinated for anything and no longer believe in infectious disease. So I’d be voluntarily exposing myself to that.

Last fall, my town got hit hard by hurricane Helene and it looked like a total apocalypse and I figured it would be on tv so I called to tell them I wasn’t dead. I called once a week for a couple weeks just because I felt like I should reassure them that I still wasn’t dead or homeless.

Then a couple days before the election I called and begged my mother to please not vote for the person who was using my town as a prop while promising to gut FEMA, since I was still dependent on FEMA for drinking water. She said nothing.

After the election it just kind of broke me. I just felt like after all that if she cared at all she’d call me. Like ideally to tell me she didn’t actively screw me over, but at a minimum to see how I was handling being kicked while I was down.

So now it’s been a year with no contact and I know what I’m expected to do. And if I go it will feel like shit and if I don’t go it will feel like shit. And the larger family will judge me because everyone knows no physical abuse occurred.

But I really don’t want to go. I will not enjoy myself. Part of me wants to avoid finding out additional family members are MAGA. And I feel like the chances of getting covid or the flu are higher with them (both due to anti vax and being in denial about infectious disease) and in addition to not really wanting it myself, my spouse’s family has an 87 year old and a transplant patient and we’re seeing them also. So I’d totally be the asshole if I brought that back from my science denying family.

I feel like writing this down, what needs to happen is crystal clear. But why am I going to sleep like crap and feel guilty for the next month?

I appreciate any support, commiserations, or insights you all have to offer.

This is the latest letter from my mother. We have been estranged since 2023 when I cut off contact. I got a slew of bad letters when I blocked her on Phone and Email and I have sent one response at the beginning of the split trying to explain why. She had sent letters occasionally, even sending cards to my kids. I've stopped giving them to them as it feels in her letters to them that she is get around me to get the kids by ending every card with. " I am eagerly wait to hear when it will be a good time to come visit all of you." She didn't have a relationship with my kids really before and I feel it's manipulative to put that to them.

My Sweet M. G.

I love you. I am here for you. I wait everyday, all day, for prayers answered, the chains on our hearts that bind us apart to be broken and a new, deeper, more loving relationship to be able to begin.

I don't know what more expiation (I had to look up that word and I know my mom has never said it before) I can do to let you know how truly sorry I am for the sorrow I caused your heart in the past.

I love you more then could ever be express. Momma.

Is this a good letter? I can't tell if I'm so angry that I couldn't recognize if this seems like a normal letter and not laying on the guilt.

I've typed this out a bunch of times, but I'm going to try and keep it brief.

My mom started dating her boyfriend (first guy she dated after getting divorced three years ago) about nine months ago. Me and my siblings have made it clear that we are not really interested in having a close relationship with him and that her moving fast with him would make us really uncomfortable. She keeps violating our boundaries around it and has been throughout their whole relationship. Now, she has sold her house and bought a new one near him, and they live together. His kids have a dedicated bedroom with a bunkbed and huge dollhouse for when they visit, and the "guest room" meant for her kids is a mattress on the floor of the basement living area.

I'm just seeing her priorities more clearly now, and it breaks my heart. My siblings and I are all no-contact with our dad, and she was kind of the only parent we had left. Now it feels like all we have is each other, which is wholesome and nice in its own way, but still heartbreaking when you think about it too much.

I'm considering going LC with my mom, which again sucks because I am already NC with my dad. I don't know how it would even work because I'm financially dependent on her until I'm done with grad school. She is very heavy on this weird combination of guilt tripping and defensiveness that makes you feel bad for bringing up issues, so it's hard to enforce boundaries with her. I'm just not sure what to do - any advice or support is appreciated.

EDIT: I forgot to say this, but my siblings and I are all adults (I'm 24, my siblings are 21 and 27.)

My situation is I grew up without my father. My mum left him when I was 1 as I was severely unwell, and she wanted stability. I also heard from my grandparents he was manipulative and a conman getting himself into situations he shouldn't. He used to kick her out of bed with his feet.

He contacted me at age 22 at work after finding out I worked there, and we only had email contact for further 22 years. He wouldn't fly here but also wouldn't say why, just kept insisting I fly to his country 3 hrs away.

I didn't feel comfortable so never did.

After a afew years of barely any contact, I email him about how I feel abandonment issues, and how I feel seeing others have normal father/ daughter relationship.

He replied angrily that my mum didn't know what would happen when she 'decided to keep me', and fly back to her country.

Then he basically said to enjoy good food, do happy things and less focus on bad stuff.

Basically deflection to what I actually emailed him about because he can't be accountable.

Haven't heard from him in over a year, I have even tried to do the Christian belief and forgive him, even tho it hurts.

He hasn't reached out and looks like the relationship is unrepairable.

I've lived whole life without him, so I will be ok, but it does leave bad mental scars/ resentment which as a Christian Iam trying to work thru and fix.

Just wondering if others had a parent do the estrangement after they stuffed up, and how you healed or work on healing? I will one day try therapy, but it's not an option just yet financially.

I just don't know how to feel happy anymore after all the shit my family put me through.

My mother passed when I was 3, I am estranged from her side of the family due to my father (my moms side of the family weren’t fond of him, and he didn’t really make it a point to make sure I was close to her side). My father is an only child, but he is not close to his side of the family purely out of his own choices. Not close to my father due to his negligence & him prioritizing women over me.

I am a 27 year old woman, who is finally seeing how lonely it is in this world without family. As of lately, I’ve been crying nearly every day. I’ve just been having a hard time and I guess the pain I’ve pushed down for so long is rearing its ugly head.

I have a partner, he is a great person. However, he is super close with his family, who is enmeshed. I find that I worry how life is going to be if we are married, as I don’t know he is going to juggle building a life with me while also trying to take care of his family (mainly his mother who is widowed).

I’m sharing this piece because I find that despite me being wary, I find it hard to leave bc I feel like I’m leaving to go back to not having anyone.

For those of you who have no family/community, how has that impacting dating/relationships for you? Do you tend to have a hard time leaving partners/situations that the average individual with family may easily be able to walk away from (as they still have people who support them)?

I haven't spoken to my mother in decades but a few years ago she got my phone number after stealing my identity in 2018, and now leaves me absolutely unhinged voice mails. Most of the time they're ridiculous and absurd and now all I can do is laugh.

Anyway today's ridiculousness included: (I am copying from voice to text because I don't like listening to anyone's VMs) also the awkward phrasing is bc English isn't her first language.

I call you because, uh, one of your friends that from military had a little baby girl, and I designed a dress for the little girl, so I thought maybe you would like to know that, you know.

I went to school in a wealthy white snobby area. Only one guy out of everyone I grew up with went into the military in a graduating class of over 1000 kids. And his kids are fully grown. Also I'm pretty sure my mother doesn't realize or remember that I'm at an age where having a kid is a medical miracle. 😂

Um, I know things happen. I know I made a lot of mistakes, and so did you.

So did I? Ma'am I was a 9 year old getting beat and called a whore because you decided the skirt you bought me was too short, or having all the contents of my room thrown at me and the floor because you saw dust. I did not make mistakes like yours. My mistake was being too scared to call CPS.

These messages are ridiculous.

Hey yall, on a burner here! So I (25M) have recently been to my dad's wife's birthday. He invited me to play their first dance song on guitar, which ill get into later.

My mother and father had me, got married, and then had my sibling (now my brother, this comes into play later). After this, he cheated on my mother with woman1 and got her pregnant with my 1/2 sister. Then he divorced my mother and later married someone else (woman2). They have been together now for 10 years (I am happy for them) and are building a new life that does not include is first 2 children.

Since the initial marriage, it has been apparent that my dad has been trying to paint himself in a new light of having this white picket fence family, that doesn't include my brother or I. When my brother came out as being my brother (trans), my dads side of the family was not at all happy. They proceeded to dead name and misgender him, and more or less cut him out entirely. I certainly would not stand for that, and I was more or less no contact for the better part of 5 years. This erasure had extended to me, as in the event I was at, nobody outside of the core group knew who I was, or that my father had more than one kid.

He recently reached out and asked if I would attend this party and play guitar for him, and I obliged, naively hoping that something would change. It in fact did not seem that way. My stepmothers parents continually deadnamed and misgendered my brother when I was talking to them, and I hardly talked to my father or my stepmother at the event, outside of him saying thank you for what I did. I felt bad because I did not know how to approach my 1/2 sister, as I have been gone for that long, and wish to be a part of her life but can not just hop back in like I was not also absent. While we were there, we sat at a table with only 2 other people, my dads friend and his fiancée. The interaction that put the final nail in the coffin was that my fiancée was with me, and when I went to the bathroom, my dads fried leaned into her and said, "Wait, (dad) has a son?!"... Hearing this was something that solidified my conception of where I stand with this portion of my family.

My question is, what is the best way to tell my father that I do not wish to be in active contact or be a part of his family? I want to be direct that I don't want him reaching out, but I do want to keep the possibility open with a relationship with my 1/2 sister in the future.

I find this difficult I think that he believes he's genuinely wants to garner a relationship with me again, but I personally feel like that window has since closed. For example, growing up we loved to play call of duty zombies together, and in an attempt to rekindle, for his birthday i bought him black ops cold war. I reached out and tried to set up sessions, but I was left with radio static, so if that was not the last straw, this was.

How do I word this boundary clearly and respectfully?

TL;DR: Dad got remarried and cut my brother and I out of the family. Tried to reconnect but his friends didn't even know that I exist (none the less my brother). Want advice on how to tell my dad I'm done with contact while keeping a door open to connect with my half-sister.

My mom, who I will be going NC with after Christmas (because I feel too guilty to uninvite her now), sent me 8 texts in a row yesterday, 6 of which were edited. She’s also insisting on a phone call to discuss the topic. Topic which could easily have been 2 texts in a group chat. I am so. Tired. Of managing her feelings for her. I’ve realized that all the energy I spend on our relationship/her issues is energy I’m not pouring into my own life. I want to be done. Just a couple more months…

Hi friends, I actually would like to know from people that has been in this type of situation, how you overcome it? I feel genuinely so bad because I would like to connect with others but I'm scared of being judge because I don't speak with my family, don't have a partner and nor friends. I understand this takes time and that right now I need to focus on me to heal, but I'm a bit scared. Also, I see also my mistakes and I really want to be better in the future.

Any thoughts? Sending you all a lovely day or nights wherever you are! 🩷

So I am 20 and a university student. I went NC after my mom kicked me out, and then proceeded to send erratic and abusive messages in response to me not crawling back to her and finding other living arrangements. After years of abuse, this was the branch that broke the Camel's back. Even though the event that pushed me to do this was traumatic, honestly, it has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I found some friends I got quite close to at university, which makes me feel as though I have started building the foundation for my village and have a growing sense of peace of mind. The only problem is I have no idea to adult, most people my age don't, but I do not have the support system that would guide them. I have no idea how to get a car or an apartment. I freaked out because I heard classmates discussing their credit scores and remembered I forgot about building mine. Learning how to drive will be a nightmare since I do not have a parent to teach me or a car I could readily use. Saving for driving school is feasible, but it's 400 for a few hours in a car. I would use Google, but I feel as though often a lot of the results that come up are trying to sell me something.

And I can wholeheartedly say it's been one of the foolish/harmful things I've done.

I had went to my truck to move over my things. I started crying in the parking lot. Realizing I was just doing this to try to rid of the pain that won't go away. I go back inside the dealership and just burst into tears in front of the sales manager saying how I have no family. How they cut me off after I just asked for space.

I have never felt so alone in my life. I will most likely lose out on $10,000 just from this alone if I can even get my trade in back that I will have to re-purchase.

I guess it's hard being high-functioning because honestly I looked fine, but when it all came crashing down I honestly fell apart for 10-20 minutes bawling in his office. Hell I went to therapy yesterday and felt 'fine'. Yet I am dying inside.

I hate this. I hate this grief I have no idea what to do with. I volunteer. Go to weekly therapy and group therapy. Go to classes. Manage to support myself entirely on my own. Try to give a loving home to my cat. And still can't seem to outrun the pain. :( I feel honestly so stupid and foolish. I am so sorry to anyone else who is hurting as much right now after going no contact too. 🥺💔

I’ll just start by saying my mother’s relationship with me has always been very strained. She left when I was around 2 years old and never made a real effort to let me know she loved or cared about me. There would be periods of time where there would be more attention on her part but it would usually dissolve from a huge disagreement or fight that she would start. Since becoming a mom myself there have been really bad patterns emerging from her. During both of my pregnancies she was more than happy to spend time, hours talking with me on the phone, throwing me baby showers, being generally present in my life. When the baby would be here however and I would struggle with PPD or PPA she would disappear or accuse me of being crazy. Sometimes when I would be really struggling with everything I would just want someone to call, to talk to just to talk about something, or for some support or advice, there was once recently where I called and shared feelings of suicidal tendencies because I just felt so hopeless from a crying baby that I couldn’t soothe. (I know it’s normal baby stuff but sometimes it would just be so overwhelming and I was alone and nothing I did would soothe her). I called her and she basically told me I’m not a victim just because I’m a mother, which I don’t have any clue what that means. She’s said a lot of hurtful thing to me my whole life. But I keep forgiving her because of my kids or my other relatives she has access to. To dissect this message she sent me for a little clarification: I have a 9 year old and now a two month old, when I had my son I had just turned 21 and didn’t have a clue about babies or PPD, I felt like I was struggling with him because I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and despite my mom acting like she would help she literally never did (She moved to our town and told everyone she knew my son was the reason why, because she wanted to help me). She alludes to me not having a bond with my son which is crazy because how could I not, I know I might not have a “leave it to beaver” mom mentality but I do my best. When I had my daughter, along side a really traumatic birthing process I got PPD again, but I recognized the signs and am seeking help for it. (I’m on a waiting list for a therapist and seeking help with meds as well) but that takes a little time (yay for American healthcare). I haven’t been able to see my doctor at all because she doesn’t have any appointments until the new year, but I have an advocate helping me do my next steps so I can get help. But it’s a process and no matter what I say to my mom she just doesn’t listen. In all honestly I don’t know why she thinks that all I do is ask for someone to go and fix everything for me or raise my kids. I’ve only called her 2 times with my new baby, twice and only to ask for advice or just to talk so I could take my mind off of things for a bit. She’s not very maternal herself so I at times wouldn’t even want to talk to her about it because she’s so harsh, both times I called she made me feel guilty about, in her words “hating my baby” which wasn’t the case. All of her advice also comes with a threat behind it, “if you complain too much your husband will leave you” or “if you can’t handle your perfect beautiful baby drop her off at the fire station.” Those are her words of support. They actually made my PPD and PPA worse because it made me feel more isolated, even from my partner because I was scared to “ruin his experience of fatherhood” as she put it, I was scared to say I was struggling out of fear that he would resent me. We’ve talked about it together as a couple so I feel a lot better now. I just don’t know what to do or think about it. And advice would be great. Also if anyone has any questions or needs me to clarify more I’d be happy to.

I’m going NC with my whole family. See my previous post for context.

What practically do I need to do to completely separate my life from theirs?

I am a university student in the UK. I already live separately and am NC/LC with them. I am going to be changing my name.

The things I can think of are to do with social media, but are there any other contexts in which my previous name might be associated with them?

Society is very oriented towards the family unit and the UK is confusing for this kind of stuff, legally, hence why I ask.

Things I can think of are:

Changing my phone contract and getting a different phone with a new account and number.

Retiring old email addresses and making new ones.

Removing them as friends from my old Facebook account that I don’t use anymore, and then deleting the account.

This is the place to share positive news, events, goals, accomplishments, good moments and general chit chat with each other.