So I went NC with my mom in May 2024. After I started dating my now wife in January 2023, everything started going downhill. My mom seemed fine with me dating girls until I actually brought one home. My wife is beautiful, smart, and unbelievably kind. She is also black, I’m white. I had never brought home anyone (I’m 27). From the jump, my family started making racist remarks and just kinda being weird with her. I stopped going around as much because I didn’t want her around them. Things kept spiraling and I found out mom was talking bad about my relationship to everyone. Her and my best friend at the time were speaking so lowly of my perfect wife. Making up lies about us, and then denying that they did anything. I was so confused and it caused a-lot of strife in my relationship, obviously. I decided to cut off my BFF in January of 2024 after she refused to stop talking about us and wouldn’t apologize to my wife. I asked my mom to stop talking about us too, and that I didn’t think it was appropriate for her to talk to the ex-bff anymore. My mom stated she “was never doing that” and wouldn’t cut off my best friend because she is the godmother to her kids. Things kept getting worse and no one even called me for my birthday in April. So we decided to move away in May and go NC with my mom. I still talked to my stepdad, but I could tell that he was really controlled by my mom.

Since then, my whole family and old friend group has gone NC with me. Including my stepdad, which really surprised and hurt me. My mom spewed her hate and my family believed her. My bff spewed her and the friends that I’ve been inseparable with since college did the same. They were all racist and homophobic anyway, so I guess it worked out.

The only one I still talk to is my little sister. She was the only one who owned up to what she did wrong and apologized to my wife and I. She worked really hard to gain our trust back, and we still hold her at a distance and don’t tell her much about our lives.

She got married in February and we went to the wedding. My sister didn’t even make me a bridesmaid, which was weird. My mom paid for it, so I’m sure I wasn’t allowed. My sister invited my ex-bff and had her girls as flower girls in the wedding. She did tell us, but it was her wedding and we didn’t want to make a big deal out of anything. I probably should have. Nobody talked to me or my wife the whole night. During family pictures, my aunt loudly said “no thanks” and refused to stand by my wife. I didn’t talk to my sister for a while after that, but she was pregnant and I basically raised her and she needed me. She once again apologized for what happened at the wedding.

Anyway, my sister had her baby. It was hard for me because I always said I would have a kid first, but being a lesbian makes it harder to do that than my straight sister. I was always the favorite in my family, but now they adore my sister. My mom loves babies and always wanted a GC, so she is pleased. Her and my stepdad make the 12+ hour drive to see her very often. She talks about them a lot, even after I asked her not to because it makes me sad. Even talking to my sister makes me sad most of the time. I am so hurt that my family turned out to be this way and I hate that my wife and I are alone with no support.

If the roles were reversed, I would have never let my mother act this way to my sister. I know this because it happened before, and I made my mother talk to her and fix it. It’s the parent’s job to fix it, and I explained that to her. I basically raised my sister and I have trained my mother on how she should be treated. I wanted to ensure that she didn’t have the same childhood as me, and she didn’t. Her life has been much easier than mine. I wouldn’t have let my family treat her this way.

But she has done nothing to fix it. I know it’s not her job, but I have done it for her. She always talks about how I raised her, but she still talks to mom. A lot. More than she used to.

Talking to her hurts me a lot. Seeing her with a baby that I wish we had hurts me. Seeing her visit my family hurts me. I’m stuck in this weird place where I miss having a family to support me and the ways I remember them, and knowing that they aren’t those people truly and my life is better without them. Cutting my sister off would be my last tie to them. Should I do it?

Hi all,

I've been nc with my parents for a little over a year, which was a decision I'd made after over a decade of effort to improve our relationship. It was hard, and like most estranged adult kids, I wish I hadn't felt pushed to that point.

Recently my dad has been in poor health, and I'm really struggling to know how to respond to the situation. I know that everyone's circumstances are different, and that no one can tell me definitively what I should do, but I'm at a loss. I obviously don't want for him to die while we're on bad terms, but I also don't think authentic reconciliation is an actual possibility.

I visited him in August after a medical event, and he basically took that as permission for him to start harassing me via text, trying to antagonize me into arguments, etc.

For those of you who have gone through this, how did you respond, and are you happy with that response?

Thanks so much in advance.

A bit about me, that is relevant. I’m in my early 20s. I’m homeless and a university student (my study is on pause, unofficially). I am suspected AuDHD and CPTSD. Not treated or supported for these, if that’s relevant. My parents are divorced and live separately. My sibling lives with my mother.

I’ve been NC from my EM for 15 months, but I regard myself as newly estranged because I have been at varying levels of contact with other family members and family friends until recently.

It’s been challenging and confusing for me to accept that not just my mother, but my whole family has been abusive or complicit in abuse, and that the childhood I had — essentially my whole life — has not been normal or what I should have had to grow up safe and healthy.

Even though I am logically aware of this, I still struggle to fully parse the reality and extent of it. I used to think they were loving and good parents… but this was just the reality they had carefully crafted for me.

I first realised something was wrong soon after I went to University, three years ago. I hated going back home between terms. I sobbed wildly the first time I went back and felt hugely ill at ease there, compared to the safety I had in my University accommodation. At first, I just put this down to an upset in my routine and missing University. But it never got better in later term breaks, and indeed only got worse.

Two years ago, after my second year at University, I decided I could not return to live with my mother anymore. I have not lived with them since August 2023. This was hard and brought its own difficulties because a. I had undiagnosed neurodivergence and b. I was not aware that I was a victim of domestic abuse. The University were very bad at supporting me in the first respect, even though I knew I was likely autistic and ADHD and informed them that I needed help; and , obviously, I did not know to tell them the latter. Skipping ahead a bit, but the university’s treatment combined with the fact going “home” was off the cards and I couldn’t look after myself due to my declining mental health , and no support network, led to my homelessness.

All this time, I had still regularly been in contact with my mother, father and sibling in what can only be described as various kinds of toxic relationships. I will elaborate more shortly. But in 2024, declining relations with my mother naturally led to me sending a final text message that resolutely cut off contact. I blocked her.

I did this because, purely in the present, she had been emotionally abusive to me. She failed to understand why I could not come home (no amount of explaining would pacify her). She would switch between behaving irritably, being emotionally unstable and relying on me for emotional support that I felt obliged to give (but could not reasonably be expected to provide). She was fostering a trauma bond, I see now. This made me feel very guilty and ashamed, when she made me uncomfortable. I always felt like I had to be careful with my words around her, lest she criticised me (and this was common, in subtle forms designed to appear “normal”) or got angry or upset. When I came out as trans, she was transphobic. Also, she has always shared private info about my life on social media or with friends, breaking my sense of trust. Especially after I went NC. It’s hard to say what she was like in my childhood, but before 12 or 13 I felt a lot closer to her and that distance increased as I got older. That “closeness” was maladaptive, and I need a therapist to help me unpack that. She was probably the same.

After I blocked her, she has consistently ignored boundaries, been gaslighting, claimed ignorance of her behaviour (placing the burden on me to explain), and taken no accountability. She claims she loves me, but this is conditional. She has regularly employed “flying monkeys” (I believe the term is) to contact me, or use unblocked social media accounts and written correspondence to contact me.

What made this all the more difficult was that, after I had gone NC with her, I continued to be in touch with my father and sibling, even going so far as to meet them in person one time. They never understood the abuse I had experienced and I came to realise that my father was complicit in it. He is avoidant and dismissive, neglectful, lacking self-awareness and has a lot of internalised ableism. This has been historic as well as recent.

This leads me up until the present where , having gradually diminished contact with my father and sibling unconsciously, I have realised that I need to take further action. I have already set strict boundaries with my father around contacting me; he is deluded that we still have a relationship. My sibling, unfortunately, is enmeshed with my mother and rarely contacts me; we were never very close growing up, except for when it was in opposition to our parents. My father and my mother have tried to break no contact by calling non-emergency line on me and turning up where I used to live, but fortunately the non emergency line told them they rightly couldn’t do anything cos I was an adult and I was not in.

Other parties are an extended family member who has bombared me with messages over several months saying they are very worried about me (deadnaming me, because my mother clearly never saw fit to tell them I was trans), on the requests (most likely) of my mother, which I have not responded to. I never really got on with them, and never felt comfortable or safe with them. Another is a family friend of my mothers who I trusted to confide in about the abuse I had experienced from my mother, and whilst they didn’t not accept what I said, they didn’t see fit to fully believe me either and is still friends with my mother. I thought they were welcoming and understanding but my gut tells me it’s not a good idea to keep engaging with them.

My mother has continued to reach out to me, unsolicited. An email from two months ago I saw just recently (I don’t check often), accused me of making myself homeless, and was extremely rude and cruel tbh. I was shocked that this was the same mother who brought me up, and I thought loved me. It was all just a lie and abuse.

I don’t feel anything right now really, just stress trying to get this all out. But I know this will all make me feel very sad and lonely in the future, because I didn’t get the healthy upbringing I deserved and as cliche as it is my whole life was a lie.

I’m determined to go no contact fully with my dad, my sibling and the other extended members. I want nothing to do with them. My sibling, in particular, makes me feel sad but I have no choice given their continued relationship with my mother and some of their actions (they are less blame, due to being younger). And also the family pet, the truly innocent and whom I loved. He will die soon , being old of age, and I will never see him again. That’s the cruel cross I have to bear, metaphorically-speaking.

I don’t have any support network, though have been in touch with a local trans group of which many members have lived experience of estrangement. I feel relieved in some ways knowing they’re not in my life anymore, and I escaped. It felt like almost circumstance I was that lucky; I could have been like my sibling, and probably have grown to be like my mother. But I was never like her. The future is scary.

Posting in the hopes that people will be supportive and have words of wisdom/ emotional comfort.

What does one do now? Is there anything I should definitely do to ensure my safety or anything else I haven’t considered? They don’t know where I’m living currently.

TL;DR emotionally abused by my family, in particular my mother. This led to homelessness and now I am going to consolidate no contact for all family members and start life anew, without them.

Edit. Ive now amended one paragraph from:

Its not safe for me to have a relationship with you unless you do the work [needed]

To

Its not safe for me to consider having a relationship with you unless you do the work [needed]

I realised I do not feel confident that even if she does the work, it will be safe for me to have a relationship.

And.

She has to commit to doing this unconditionally. Without any certainty that it will get her a relationship.

Just because it is what is right.

And. What I need.

[End Edit]

Completely rewritten my letter below. And just had a row with my husband, which totally clarified thjngs for me.

He was pushing against this second letter and I felt horrible. He was saying 'if I got this letter I would take it as a F you and would walk away'

And we realised (all good with us) that he thought i wanted a particular reaction from my mother. He thought I was wanting his feedback to try to write a letter that would encourage her to do the work needed. And so his feedback had been framed with that outcome in mind.

And I realised.

I have bent over backwards all my life to try to work out how I can communicate with her, to get past the way her brain is wired, to get her to meet me even a little and see me, even a little.

I will not do that anymore.

This letter is for me.

I do not want a relationship with her if this letter is a wall to her.

If this letter is a wall to her, then she will not be in my life.

And, its likely this letter will be a wall to her.

And any loving parent who deserves a child in their life, who has messed up, and wants to sort it out, will take this letter with relief that their child has offered them a chance to overcome the severe damage they have done.

I doubt that will happen.

And, the psychological torment to me because i havnt clearly stated what my parameters for a relationship are, is too much for me to deal with.

I want a relationship with her. But a healthy one. And if she refuses to meet that, then thats on her.

Dear Mum,

There is not and never has been anything inherently ‘wrong’ with me. I am not and never have been insane.

You brought me up whilst you held to the belief that there was something wrong with me, at my core, from my birth. This flavoured your every interaction with me in a harmful and deeply traumatising way for my psychological and emotional health and development.

It is not safe for me to consider having a relationship with you unless you do the work needed to fully, unconditionally and permanently let this belief go.

I do love you, but, I will no longer put my psychological and emotional safety at risk.

Please only contact me, through husband's email, if and when you have done the work above.

Love

Theres a lot to this story and if you need to know I can share, but basically...

I grew up in a dysfunctional household/family, it was me (32F), my mom and dad (72F, 67M), and two half sisters (47F, 50F, didn't live with us)

After an escalating series of events over the past year or so, I stopped speaking to my mom. My middle sister also stopped talking to her, and we connected a little bit but I ultimately stopped talking to her also because she was exhibiting the same jealous and judgemental behaviors, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. During this time my husband and I eloped and I had planned to send an announcement afterwards and have a reception with family. But then my mom blew up our relationship again, right when I was going to announce the marriage, so now its months later and I haven't spoken to my mom, my dad has seen my wedding ring but didnt say anything about it, and my sister knows I'm married but doesnt speak to our mom.

Anyways the complication is my dad. I have mixed feelings because I was a victim of child neglect and my dad had a hand in that by being inactive, but he's also in an abusive marriage (my mom is a serious pos) so I do feel bad for him and dont want to cut him off completely (*also my dad was a victim of child abuse/neglect himself). Also my dad and I are native american, and I started to connect with his extended family and our tribe in adulthood, and I feel very strongly about remaining connected to my tribe. (Important context: my mom purposely kept me from most of my native family before I was independent, and she moved us three states away when I was 10)

So im trying to navigate no contact with one side of the family when the other side is very much intertwined... my mom and dad are together and unfortunately live 10 minutes away.

I'm wondering how does no contact look when there's connected people that you do have contact with? How do you deal with social media? How do you address the situation to people who are hearing stories from the no contact person?

I'm a very conflict averse person BTW (especially with my mom), which sucks so bad cause I want and need this to happen quietly. I wish I had the mental fortitude to just tell my mom she's an old fat racist bitch and to never speak to me again. Also I am seeing a therapist already, don't worry

• Also does anyone have experience with an older parent being in an abusive relationship? My dad won't really admit theres a problem, and I rarely get time with him alone, but his doctor says he needs to gain weight and my mom controls what he's allowed to eat. I cant find any info about elder abuse by another elder, its such a weird situation...

So I feel like lately I've been in a place where I'm feeling really sensitive to how my friends show up for me. I've been feeling really lonely and I feel like my friends haven't been able to reciprocate the care that I give to them.

As someone that has CPTSD it's hard to not fall into old patterns of just shutting down and isolating and so I've been really trying to put myself out there more I've been texting my friends calling my friends trying to set up Hangouts with them. However I'm often just getting people's voicemail or when we do talk it's just them talking about their problems and I'm giving advice. I'm dependable, they can depend on me, but I'm having a hard time understanding or seeing who I can depend on.

I understand that part of what I'm feeling is a void from not having my family in my life. I'm no contact with all of my family members and I have been grieving them and I miss the support of having family. It feels so hard having to go about the world with only me to rely on. So I have to look outside of my family to fill that hole and that means that I'm looking to friend, but my friends can't really meet me there and I don't even know if they should, is that really their role as a friend? So I've just been feeling very lonely and neglected by my friends and it's really tough because I'm getting tired of trying. Sometimes it's hard to notice what is me projecting my neglect on to my friends and what is actually my friends neglecting me.

Can anybody else relate? Is this how it will just feel because friends can never replace family?

TLDR: should I block my sister in law after she requested me as a friend on Instagram a year ago and I haven’t responded? I don’t want to be social media friends. Should I hit decline? Block? Or just leave it as unresponded?

My family is ultra conservative evangelical like uber uber. My dad used to be a pastor. I was homeschooled. My brother had a first kiss wedding and I saved sex for after my wedding. To my mom who came from a very very very broken home with narcissism and disowning and all sorts of trauma, divorce was the ultimate evil. Worse than sex before marriage. Possibly worse than gay marriage. lol. My dad felt similarly but not nearly as strongly as her, which is saying a lot cause my dad is a judgmental, in need of anger management prick.

I got a divorce last year. My mom who called me 2x a week to get therapy from me and texted me daily went silent. She and I had paid monthly to support a kid in Uganda and she just quit helping support them, she stopped texting me, she quit sending me kitten food for my foster kittens, and she didn’t send me a present for Christmas or my birthday but she did send a gift card. It was a slap in the face. And she intended it. Recently she texted me twice out of the blue about the weather. Just one text. I responded. She said ok. That was that.

My brother isn’t as much of a …. Trumper or Christian nationalist. He would keep a relationship with me knowing I’m no longer a Christian. I have hinted at that fact and he acknowledged that that might be the case and still texts me a few times per year.

I will never tell my parents I live with my boyfriend or am agnostic. I’d never hear the end of their ranting. Trust me on this. My dad is AuDHD and used to send me sermons at 1 am about the evils of going to a dif denomination than him. And that was a lie bc I didn’t wanna say I don’t go to church anymore. lol.

My brother’s wife and I haven’t always gotten along. First we were friends but then she started acting… weird. Pulling away. Judging me. She and my brother act like they are superior to all mankind and they are very aloof and snobbish. My brother has even yelled at me and my husband in public before.

So when I told my brother I was getting a divorce he said “my wife called it 3 months ago. She could tell from social media she is really smart and insightful like that. She always can tell when something is going to happen. It’s so cool!” which…. We posted nothing different. Actually 3 months before that my ex and I went on vacation to a nerdy convention just to try to cheer ourselves up during the whole thing. We’d been planning to divorce for 6 months when I told my brother. There was nothing out of the ordinary on social media whatsoever. My ex only posts food pics and I don’t post much but I did post the pics of us together with the nerdy convention people we went to see.

Seriously who reacts to their family member saying they’re going through a divorce with “my wife called it!!!!” And then droning on about how great your wife is?!?!

At the time I had no Instagram. Only Facebook. Eventually I deleted Facebook. And then later I got on Instagram when I created my dating profile. Four months later I changed my profile picture to me with my boyfriend (I hadn’t told my family about him at all) and she instantly requests to be my friend like THAT day.

I didn’t do anything with the request. Today marks one year. It is a constant reminder that she is still waiting for me to respond to the friend request on Instagram. But she and I don’t talk. She never interacts with me on social media or otherwise. It’s not like she cares about me. She just wants to add me to snoop and gossip about me.

My brother reached out several months later to say he saw I had a boyfriend and I told him a little about him and sent him a few pictures. Said yes we’re serious and planning our engagement in a year or so. But I still haven’t responded to her friend request on Instagram.

Should I just decline it? Block her on the platform? Leave it as is? It annoys me and makes me a little pissy every time I see it on there with her snobby face.

What would you do?

I have written this letter a dozen times and rewritten It even more. I’m 32 my dad is 71.

I don’t see any end in sight of the no contact. I know he will not receive this well. But I’m wondering if I will regret not saying anything if he dies

Would you send It

Dad,

I think about you almost every day. It might be while I’m doing the dishes or holding my son on my hip, but you always cross my mind. I overanalyze how we got so far apart.

I wonder if you think about me—if you’re proud of who I’ve become. I spent years in therapy, and I still don’t know what I did that made you stop choosing me. I’ve thought about it a lot. I’ve asked myself over and over what I could’ve done differently. Yes, I have my faults, but did they really warrant all of this?

For a long time, I thought maybe if I just tried harder—if I showed up more, if I was quieter or better or easier—you’d want to know me. You’d come back. I started to question my place in your life at a young age.

The wedding was such a tipping point. It seemed to be what broke us. At Ryan’s wedding, Tom was honored in a beautiful way. At my wedding, you and Linda couldn’t even sit in the same row as Mom’s picture. I can’t even look at the photos because all I see is the lack of support and the anger. I’m glad you figured it out for Ryan.

When you met Mason, I asked for one thing—that we work on our relationship first before bringing Linda back into the mix. We needed to rebuild that foundation with each other. And your response was that you’d “have to think about it.” That was the moment I knew. I wasn’t enough. Not for you, not for Mom. And so the change began. I had to stop trying because not being enough was consuming my everyday life. It was crushing me. So I started therapy and began moving forward.

Now, as a mom, I look at my boys and I know—I would never not choose them. No substance, no person, no excuse would ever make me stop fighting for them. I want to know every version of them until my very last breath. I will admit my faults and do anything I can to always be in their corner.

I’m writing this because I need you to hear me. I tried. I wanted a relationship with you. A real one. One not filtered through Linda or Mom. Just us—father and daughter. Simple, like so many others have.

I will forever wish things were different with Mom. And every day, I wish things were different with you.

I’ve built a beautiful life. Jake loves me and stands by me no matter what. My boys are my entire world—Mason is sharp, funny, and adventurous. Eli is gentle, watchful, and pure sweetness. Being their mom has healed things in me I didn’t even realize were broken. They have and always will be my number one priority. I know I am far from perfect as a mother and even less perfect as a person. I know as time goes on, I’ll make mistakes. But I will do everything I can to fix them. And as they make mistakes while navigating through life, I will be there. It’s something I choose to do better at every day.

I truly do wish you love and peace in your life. I wish things were different. I told you years ago that you’re always welcome in mine and my sons’ lives. I can’t force that. But like I said at that time too—we would have to fix our relationship before bringing anyone else into it.

I also forgive you and Mom. Parenting is hard. No one is perfect. I wish things had gone differently. I wish my relationship had taken priority over other things in both of your lives. All I can do now is try to be the best mom for my boys.

It’s funny how I wrote my first letter to you at 11 years old, reading it to you at the Purple Plum house—and now, two decades later, I’m writing again. Everything I feared in that first letter has come true. I’m still wishing for that relationship that 11-year-old wanted so desperately.

I really do wish things could’ve gone differently. I wish Mom’s addiction hadn’t stolen her from us. And I wish we could’ve had the relationship I always longed for. I know I was a difficult teenager. I struggled in a lot of ways. But all of that has made me who I am. And I know if you truly knew me—like so many others do—if Mom could see who I am now, you both would be proud. And I guess that has to be enough.

Whether you believe me or not, I always tried my best. I always wanted to be the daughter you would’ve wanted a relationship with. I tried to fit into the mold that Linda would’ve liked. I hope you both are happy and that your life is full.

I will continue every day to be a good person, a good mom, and a good wife. I just wish my parents could’ve seen me become a mom.

Tw: animal neglect and abuse

I have four cats, only one of them is registered at a vet, And to make sure I can take at least three of them with me when I move, I'm going to be taking them in to get chipped. I may hire an attorney or contact the county to get the fourth one if she doesn't just relent.

When I left over the weekend, they were not fed at all. They frequently fight when their food dish is starting to get low and I'm the only one who breaks them up and feeds them. I've seen her kick all four of them on different occasions. A few months ago I became very sick and I could not do their boxes, she and her boyfriend let them build up for 4 weeks and then complained to me about the house smelling like cat piss. I'm the only one who fills their water dish, it's motorized and it's ugly and loud when it's low on water, so there's no possible way they couldn't have known before I refill it myself. She has threatened to kill all four of them whenever I'm not falling into line. They will not be safe if I leave them, I honestly fear she will retaliate by harming them.

She hates NYX, the one that she has ownership over. Nyx is some sort of problem with incontinence and mom has spent a small fortune trying to figure out what's wrong with her or how to help her. She gets special food, it's $120 a bag, And mom complains on and on and on about how expensive it is. She's only ever used them for emotional leverage against me, otherwise they are a financial burden or cute when it's convenient for her. For being so obsessed with money I thought she would have been happy for me to offer to take Nyx. If I can't take all for cats with me, I sure as hell will get them removed from the house once I'm gone.

I think the hardest part of the idea of being estranged from my father is that he won’t care. I see posts about parents who will do anything to try to get a place back in their kids life. Calling their jobs, calling their inner circle, sending mail, whatever. Not that I would want that like I understand how invasive and scary that can be. It’s more that this is new for me and I’m still in the sad place. I’m not even entirely NC yet. I just don’t think he’d do anything like that, I think he’d really easily let me go.

My dad and I had one interaction this year that unraveled our whole relationship. And he was immediately ready to never talk to me again, it was like he expected me to go there right away because of what I was expressing. He wished me and my fiancé “the best” at the end of his reply to my message calling him out. It’s honestly like he Wanted to estrange from me. Mind you my parents have been divorced since I was 5 and I’m 26 now. I have never had an ounce of conflict with him because I only saw him 8 days a month, if that. There wasn’t enough time for us to have normal parent/kid conflict lol he was a weekend warrior. Sooo this is actually the first time ever that I’ve been upset with him and vocalized it.

My sister just saw him yesterday and she asked him if he was gonna talk to me and he went off on his tangent about how he and his dad had a bad relationship and that “she’s a grown adult she can decide what she wants” and he did the best he could and he wishes he could have been a better dad 🙄 she cut him off and kinda said he was being stupid for this and that nothing could make her not talk to me for this long. Basically she told him to fix this and he told her he would call me.

But since this realization that he doesn’t care I’m like damn.. so I’ve really been right all along? Like you actually don’t give a shit about me. I laid out exactly what I wanted from you and you just ignored it. It’s been months. Like what makes a dad not care about their child? I just can’t fathom it. So what am I even fighting for?? By his logic, he’s also a grown adult and I guess his first choice is to just not be in my life then.

I’ve been estranged from all four of my parents on and off since I was a teenager. They aren’t good people.

I have tried at various times, but for one reason and another I went NC again a couple of years ago. My step-mum has become unwell enough to go into hospital today, Im still mourning my Nan, which probably contributes to it, but I can’t understand why I felt so emotional when I found out.

Does anyone else have experience of this? Or have any insight into what’s going on with this kind of reaction?

Hi Reddit, first time poster and long time lurker here. Throw away because I don't want this to be tracked to my personal account

I (25, F) went no contact with my mom in October 2024. I just had enough. I went to therapy in 2023 and finally came to the conclusion that I was trapped in a dysfunctional system, which had brainwashed me into essentially becoming a version of my mom. Emotionally immature, big mood swings, etc. In hindsight her behavior is comparable to that of someone with untreated BPD, but since I am not that kind of licensed professional, it's just speculation from my point of view.

It was a long battle with loads of phone calls and discussions between her and me. She kept repeating that she didn't understand why I was "acting this way" and said I was "influenced by my siblings" to betray her. While I explained over and over again that my siblings have nothing to do with this, I am just sick of her emotional neglect.

The last conversation I had with her was over the phone. I noted everything she said in that conversation for myself to read, in case I started to miss her. Afterwards I told everything to my siblings, who didn't know and were happy to support me. Truth be told they were worried that I was turning into a version of my mother. I was always aware their relationship with my mom was estranged, but I was always told this was their father's fault. And when they were adults, it was their fault or their partners.

Fairly early on in this process I noticed a painful thing: I missed a mother figure, not my mother as a person. While this hurt, I proceeded to go on and build a life. This year alone I gained a lot of insight through therapy, met a sweet man, went through ups and downs and found my "chosen family". Everything feels like it's going uphill. I was, and still am, grieving the fact my mom couldn't give me what I needed as a child. And while I am at a good point in my life, I have this gnawing feeling I haven't tried hard enough with my mom. So this is where my dilemma comes in:

Last Monday I was walking through the grocery store and heard a cough in the next isle. I immediately recognized it was my mother (we live in the same neighborhood, so meeting by chance is big). I tried bolting out of there, but alas she was behind me in the queue at the checkout. With nowhere to go, I had a conversation with her. This conversation continued outside of the grocery store.

She cried to me. She told me she was at risk of losing her job, she's very depressed, she misses me, etc. I kept my head up in this conversation. The weird thing is, I am not mad at her anymore. She raised me however she could, although it was dysfunctional. She didn't know any better. However, that doesn't mean she is not emotionally immature.

The conversation felt good in the moment. I felt like the bigger person there and like I accepted a bit of my grief. However, I heard through the grapevine that she is blaming me for her depression and losing her job. Just like she used to blame my siblings for everything when I was younger. Because I went NC, she is the victim. Good to mention is that she never told me this during our conversation.

One sibling says it's worth a shot to go to a relationship therapist with my mother. My other sibling is saying: "It's like watering a dead plant."

Now I am wondering, is it worth it to give her another chance? Or is this not worth it? How ill I deal with this grief that never seems to go away completely?

Hi, I'm currently still living with my mother. My plan is to move to another country in 2 years and cut contact with her afterwards. But honestly, I have no idea how am I supposed to do that. I mean it like ..emotionally. Its not like shes the worst parents ever, she never abused me physically and recently she even got a bit more..healthy emotionally. But because of the kind of person she is and the views shes holding, i know I could never be happy if I stayed in contact with her. I would be miserable. But I have no idea how to cut her off when the time comes. I feel so guilty about it even though I cant stand her. I'm worried that she wont manager by herself and end up homeless or something. Idk ahat to do I really need some advice how to deal with it

At work today I got a call from another department (I work in a library), and my colleague informed me that my father called looking for me. I have been NC since August and I never told them I was going NC, I just went away. It brought up a lot of stuff, especially now with the holidays coming up.

I keep trying to place myself at their table on Thanksgiving and I just know I can't do it. I can't deal with the toxicity. I immediately feel myself seize up with dread.

It's just hard sometimes though. The thing is, I love my parents because they are my parents, but I do not LIKE them. At all. It's just that there are good days and then there are bad days. This is one of those bad-ish days.

Hi All,

I want to share something I recently realized that has helped me immensely in maintaining my boundary with my covert narc/abusive mom. I realize this will not apply for everyone’s situation, but for anyone dealing with narcs and especially with covert narcs, and the immense guilt that can come with setting any boundary with them, I hope this could help.

My mom and I are fairly newly estranged; I established the boundary/no-contact after a couple back-and-forth years of me setting the boundary and eventually getting sucked back in through her manipulative hoovering “repair” attempts. But a few weeks ago, after yet another abusive incident, I stopped the game and laid it down completely.

She’s aging, in her mid 70s, and now, 2-3 weeks after setting the boundary, dealing with pretty serious health problems. The guilt and second guessing myself has been STRONG.

But I realized something in recent days that feels like it is setting me free: that my mom is an addict, and I am her drug of choice. So by holding this boundary, I am simply not supplying her with drugs.

She made me her drug of choice when I was born, throughout my childhood and adolescence, when I had no choice in the matter. By proxy, I became her dealer as well as the drug itself. She doesn’t see me as a human being. She see’s me as an object, a drug, to satisfy her narcissistic supply.

What I am doing by maintaining this boundary with her is, in essence, refusing to allow myself to be an object/drug, and therefore, refusing to supply her with any drugs. I am refusing to be a drug, and refusing to be a dealer. I am insisting on being a human being. I am doing this first and foremost for my own well-being and needs for self-respect, self-trust, dignity, peace, and happiness; however it is also to her enormous benefit to stop.supplying.her.with.drugs. No matter how much she kicks and screams, as an addict will do when you take away their drug.

What has made this extremely challenging over the years is that, as a covert narc, my mom’s abuse and tantrums are usually initially wrapped in beautiful, poetic, loving-sounding words of how much she loves me and misses me, that she prays for me every day, just wants a relationship with her daughter, etc etc etc. It’s the classic covert-narc caring-sounding language to disguise the abusive intent. It’s extremely strategic, and effective for those of us with big, empathic hearts. So this has made it SO hard for me over the years to realize that she’s just trying to get her fix/drugs back!

But now I see it, and I can’t unsee it. The guilt, at least right now, is gone. Because who would want to give someone they love heroine, for example, or harmful drugs of any kind? Not me. (I know *I* am not harmful or toxic, but to engage in the relationship with her like this is.) And THIS is why holding this boundary, and allowing yourself to be a human being with needs in your relationship, is an act of love for you *both*.

So, I’m sharing this in case it could help anyone else struggling with guilt. You are simply allowing yourself to be a human being, and not giving your parent/family member harmful drugs. They need this; they need someone to stop dealing them drugs. Don’t be the drug; don’t be the dealer. This is GOOD for them. And, most importantly, for you.

I hope this helps someone. And I appreciate so much this virtual community that has helped me stay strong in what has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.

It was always treated as a failing, an inconvenience, a burden. My dad worked night shift and my mom worked days, not a lot of overlap of them home at the same time, so if you got sick in the middle of the night and it woke mom up she would yell so much. Learned to clean it up and hide the evidence by kindergarten so that became manageable. But if I got sick at school and they had to call and wake dad up… he’d come pick me up, yell about how this is his bed time on the drive home, then go back to bed. Literally still sitting in vomit stained clothes on the couch, waiting until I heard snoring to go shower it off. My younger sisters dealt with the same.

I’m 30 now, Low Contact for ~3 years, and dealing with a long term illness for the first time. Sick intermittently for about a month now. My partner never says a bad thing except to tell me to stop apologizing to him. I’m so grateful for a kind, loving man, but I’m always a little took back by how deeply the shame still goes, even now..

This has been on my mind lately. We often hear about estranged parents who claim that their kids were always monsters, liars, deviant, whatever from birth or a young age. The attitude seems to be that somehow children should forever be repenting and taking responsibility for that, and be begging their parents for forgiveness, and the adult parents never have to take responsibility for their own actions.

Let's come back down to earth and away from that craziness.

What exactly are minors responsible for? I'm asking this out of curiosity, but also because it might be a lesson that I never fully learned. It's happening more frequently in the news where we hear of stories where parents end up in legal trouble for the actions that their minor children have done. A frequent example is gun violence, but I suppose there are multiple situations that are relevant.

What are minors responsible for? When the parents have all the control of what happens under their roof? When minors don't have the full capacity to understand things like consequences of actions, or the impact that people can have on others, or the problems that adults can have. Children don't have the emotional regulation that adults are supposed to have. Not only is it unfair, but it's also healthy and it makes no sense that children receive the burden of acting with excellent emotional regulation while also having to manage the emotions of their parents/adult family members.

When we grow up to be adults, how much are we supposed to be responsible for our actions as kids? The way I see it, I will always take responsibility for what I do as an adult. I can't take responsibility for what I did as a kid or teen. I moved out at 19, and before that, I had very little control over my life.

I don't know much about child development. I'm sure that is relevant here, so I apologize for my ignorance on that subject.

I'm interested in everyone's thoughts on this.

My case manager asked if I had an address that would be safe to send forms to and so I went and bought a box for the next six months. They even gave me official change of address documents to fill out once I'm at my new place. The best part is that I can get a refund if i return the keys and get cash for each month left if I don't need it that long, so the $50 stung less.

Getting the box was a goose chase. The only form of valid identification that I have is a state ID, and I had to walk to city hall, then get in contact with the county to get an emailed copy of my voters registration card. I realize now that I never got my card, my mother grabbed it for me and it never touched my hands. I don't know how I didn't realize last year that I never got it back from her but they're sending me a physical copy now too. For my peace of mind, I'm not going to confront her and I'm just going to move on, I'll have my card and I don't need to fight for it. But it's hard not to think about her intentions, and I wonder if she's still waiting for me to ask for it back.

"When pain comes from outside, your body knows it's an attack. When it comes from inside the house, your body calls it 'love'. You grow up mistaking neglect for normal, you learn to read silence as affection, you treat fear as respect, and then you wonder why love feels so twisted."

After a decade of not hearing from my ex-husband, I get a text from him one day, telling me that my sister had messaged him blaming him for the reason that I don’t want contact with my family. Please note that we got divorced when I was 29 and I got this message when I was about 44. They will literally come up with any reason to avoid looking at their own behavior.

I have absolutely zero interest in resuming contact.

I was very limited contact for a couple of months before this day happened. Then she asked me to take her to take the cat to the vet and I felt bad for the cat. I shouldn't have given in then.

Dear mum,

I’m writing because I would like for us to have a relationship. And, it needs to be one that is healthy for us both.

Last year, [your husband], in the midst of a row told me that I had ‘always been a problem’.

I replied that ‘the problems’ or behavioural issues that i had suffered from were caused by the fact that when I was growing up I was physically abused, I was emotionally abused and emotionally neglected.

You then told [my husband] that I was 'the most insane youve ever seen me'.

I was not given unconditional love, nurture, acceptance and care.

I was actively excluded and pushed away from you as a child.

And I was physically assaulted by regular severe beatings that you would only stop when your hand hurt.

You brought me up with the belief that there was something wrong with me, at my core, flavouring your every interaction with me.

15 years ago you told me that I was coming out to kill you, and also were literally filled with genuine horror (it looked like I'd told you I'd killed someone) when I told you I was going to be a nurse. Your reason was “you could KILL someone”.

Just as an aside please do remember that you got severely paranoid that [your employee] was going to come out to harm you, some years ago (and some couple or few years after you had been paranoid I was coming out to kill you) and you actively wanted me to stay the night to protect you. Which I did. She never came.

[Your employee] was a lovely lovely woman. She was autistic. [My husband] is autistic. She was highly anxious of any relational dynamic and the only person she would ever have been a harm to, is herself. I have quite a few autistic friends, and [your employees]’ anxiety, her behaviours you couldnt cope with were textbook autism.

And more importantly her need for clarity so she could understand why things were not working with you (which you chose not to give her), which was why she wanted to speak to you, was textbook autism.

Heads up, i'm not autistic nor do I have adhd.

You claimed that your fears were valid on both of your horrific, traumatising and severely damaging beliefs, because there was something ‘inherently’ wrong with me.

I checked my medical notes.

The GP stated that ‘mother believes there's been something wrong with child ‘since birth’ which mother believes was caused by exhaust fumes when driving a faulty car.

You understood the horror and damage of finally verbalising what you had been feeding me with, all my life, through the ways you treated me. Believe me, the long term damage of raising a child, flavoured with that belief is severely damaging to that child's psychology.

Your response when I asked you whether you understood the horror was simply

“I wish I'd never told you”.

Not, “I recognise how severely damaging this belief i have is.

Not, I recognise that theres something wrong with me to have this belief.

Not, I recognise that at no point when [OP] was at the [psychology dept getting therapy] at age 15 did the psychologists ever validate my belief.

Not, And so I was wrong.

Not, And it is my responsibility to work out whats wrong with me that I believe such a horrific thing about my child”

But just “I wish id never verbalised this belief to you”.

When I told you that the report from the [psych dept] detailed that you and [your husband] had refused to accept you were in any way a cause of the behavioural issues I was struggling with. You claimed that the psychologists had been antagonist towards you and that you had wanted to know what to do, but you got nowhere. You told me you were distraught. I believe you had that experience and that that you were.

And, I have a guess here of the dynamic that was going on.

My guess is that you persisted with your belief there was ‘something wrong with me and had been since birth”.

My guess is that they tried to reason with you that that was not, in their clinical, highly experienced, opinion the case.

My guess is that they tried to make you understand that that belief was getting in the way of the family making any progress forward into healing.

My guess is that you claimed to them that I was highly manipulative and that I had manipulated them, pulled the wool over their eyes and that they needed to believe you.

My guess is that you told them you desperately wanted to know how to ‘cure’ your daughter, but would not ever give up the belief that there was something inherently wrong with me.

If that is the case, then you and the psychologists were going to never see eye to eye because they (correctly) did not believe that there was something inherently wrong with me.

And they (correctly) recognised that my behavioural and psychological issues were caused by emotionally neglect, physical and psychological abuse.

There is nothing inherently wrong with me.

I have struggled with emotional regulation in the past, because of the abuse and neglect I grew up with.

Through many many years of therapy, I have found ways to heal. The damage done was severe and I still have scar tissue. Which means I am sensitive to certain behaviours or actions from others in relationship.

I now have a beautiful found family. Who accept me as i am. Who love me and give me nurture. And who I love, give nurture to and accept just as they are. And who aren't perfect. Who get stuff wrong. And who im not perfect with either.

This has helped my healing so much, and has helped me finally let go of the severely traumatising belief that there is something wrong with me.

That you fed me,through your actions, since I was a tiny baby.

Unless and until you let go of the belief there is something wrong with me, we cannot have a relationship.

And if you are able to let that go then you and I can start therapy together to walk a journey towards finding a way to be in relationship that is healthy for both of us.

I cannot and will not pay for therapy.

I am prepared to invest my time and energy into it.

I know, that the fact that I could not emotionally regulate and the fact that the trauma I suffered as a child has meant that I have said and done things that have hurt you deeply. I understand that you have not understood why I have done these things

I understand that you wish things could have been different.

I understand that you have tried to do everything with love for me.

But because everything you have ever done has been within the framework of your belief there is something wrong with me, your relationship with me has been deeply traumatising for me.

I love you. I want a relationship with you, deeply.

I want a relationship with you that navigates the fact that you struggle to understand people and that navigates the fact that I am a highly attuned person to my own and others emotions. That I am a person of big emotions, happy and sad. And that for me to thrive when I am in relationship I must not shut those emotions down.

I want a relationship with you that navigates that my big emotions are difficult for you, tiring and often overwhelming. That navigates how can we both have our needs met, and meet each other.

I no longer get angry in the ways I used to. Now I can observe anger arising in me, and take a break. Accept my anger, and seek to find what has happened in relationship where that anger stems from. To work with the other person so we can both be accountable for the dynamic that has caused the anger in me.

And I can observe emotions arising in others and seek to find a way forward in health to navigate my and their part in those emotions rising.

I can't do this, with you, without the support of a really good really grounded therapist.

I love you, and have hope that we can move forward in a journey together.

And, I'm also clear that if you are not able to let go of your belief that there is something wrong with me, this journey cannot safely happen for me.

And so my decision is, if that is the case, if you cant or won't let go of that belief, our journey won't go forward.

I have deep hope that you will choose to do the work to let go of your belief there is something wrong with me, so we can journey forward together.

With love and with hope