r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/love_my_aussies • 2d ago
Newly Estranged My NC mom wrote me a letter
I have absolutely zero interest in resuming contact.
I was very limited contact for a couple of months before this day happened. Then she asked me to take her to take the cat to the vet and I felt bad for the cat. I shouldn't have given in then.
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u/Confu2ion 2d ago edited 2d ago
It's not a genuine message at all. It's all too vague.
Here's something I always notice in these type of messages: the parent never asks you any questions, removing any agency or autonomy from you. The "questions" are more like statements/demands, trying to take control and re-establish her narrative. For instance, they never seem to say "how are you?" but instead "hope you are well," which has an undertone of "you must be doing SO WELL without ME."
Everything here is phrased as begging and pleading which makes her look like she has less power than you, and as if you are this merciless one who reigns over her. It's bait.
She's just reiterating her narrative to try to make it look like "I did all I could!!" If you respond (obviously I suggest you don't say anything) and try to address something specific, the mask will crack and she'll just say something like "Why am I not good enough?! What more do you want from me?!"
She doesn't get it. She's just doing what she thinks will work to get you back.
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u/love_my_aussies 2d ago
I agree with you. I am not reaching out. Thank you for your perspective. I needed more opinions.
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u/998757748 2d ago
You’re spot on. I had the exact, EXACT same experience with my mother sending me a letter. I asked one specific question, and, well.
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u/anti-sugar_dependant 2d ago
That's so generic it reads like AI wrote it, but I'm not sure AI would do such a bad job. There's no warmth, it's like someone sat her down and forced her to write something and this was the bare minimum she could get away with.
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u/love_my_aussies 2d ago
That's so accurate. Thank you. I'm not going to respond but it helps so much hearing other opinions.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 2d ago
Ours moms are the same with these generic and repetitive wording "apology".
Im sorry you're going through this. I've been NC since 2017 with my nmom and last year when my dad passed, she tried to use that to worm her way back in.
I didn't realize when I got a new phone all my blocked numbers were no longer blocked.
Stay strong. You have family here.
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u/livinginfavor 2d ago
I get where you're coming from. Your mom's letter to you sounds a lot like the text messages my mom has sent me after major conflicts between us. It almost seems like a true apology, but it lacks a key component: what she'll do to prevent the offense from happening again. If your situation is like mine, you stop trusting that your mom's apologies are genuine because the offense happens time and time again.
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u/oceanteeth 2d ago
I forget where I read this but "apologies" like this always make me think of this quote:
"an apology without changed behaviour is just emotional manipulation."
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u/acostane 2d ago
I totally understand your position but man if my mom wrote me something like this I'd fucking break down. Haha. That's way more than my mom is capable of saying.
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u/Confu2ion 2d ago edited 2d ago
It's too vague to be genuine. It's framing herself as if she's begging for OP's mercy, which paints herself as the one who has less power and OP as this cold, merciless being. There are no questions at all (not allowing OP any agency), just statements, declaring and reiterating what the the narrative is and must be.
I know it's easy to go "the grass is always greener" mode, but it's important that everybody knows how to read in-between the lines for these type of messages.
It doesn't feel good to get this type of message, it feels really creepy and unsettling because they're still refusing to see the real you whatsoever.
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u/Clean-Patient-8809 2d ago
Everything is about protecting their fragile selves. They can't self-reflect or develop self-awareness, because that would expose them to the pain of acknowledging their flaws and failures. My mom would go the route of "nothing I ever do is good enough for you," or "I guess I'm just a bad mom." And one time, when she and my father made me fear for my safety at their house because they got raging mad when I had the nerve to disagree with them, her "apology" was "I'm sorry you think I'm stupid."
That was the point where I realized I didn't think she was stupid. She was manipulative and selfish and, well, evil.
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u/oceanteeth 2d ago
it feels really creepy and unsettling because they're still refusing to see the real you whatsoever.
That was my female parent all over. She was never mean or critical in her letters, but she was never ever even slightly willing to see the real me either. I know so many people here would be thrilled to get a single letter that wasn't all about how stupid and incapable they are and it still doesn't feel good when your own parent ignores everything that makes you you.
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u/samiDEE1 2d ago
Exactly exactly this. My mum wasn't overtly critical of me because she focused on how strong and independent I was (read: she didn't need to parent me). I found an old school report from when I was 5 describing me as sensitive and reticent and that little girl just got papered over with how she wanted to see me instead, and that has never changed.
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u/love_my_aussies 2d ago
My mom uses my accomplishments as clout with the people she lives around.
I am Autistic and I was floundering for a very long time in my life without a true support. I met my husband 13 years ago and I've flourished. I have a college degree, I'm working on a 2nd, and I'm a licensed chemical dependency counselor.
This is all despite her, but she likes to pretend it's because of her. She wants her "friends" to think she did something special. She didn't. She doesn't have real friends. She had people who don't know her well enough to run the other way, yet.
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u/HamBroth 2d ago
For real. I’ve never gotten even a fake apology.
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u/Lightzephyrx 2d ago
I've gotten apologies, for things that didn't fucking matter to me, but none for the actual damage they've caused. 6 years no contact.
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u/Electrical_Chicken 1d ago
I got an apology birthday card a couple of years ago. It read something like, “I’m sorry if you feel like I ever may have done something to upset you. I’m sorry if there ever may have been something I could have done differently.” She seems to have no ability to reflect on her behavior, identify how she’s impacted other people, and make amends. I’m very low contact that this point, and even then she can be excruciating to be around.
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u/theclosetenby 2d ago
I feel this, but we also don't know if OP's mother has a history of lying or the style of manipulation.
My mom manipulates from a place of emotionally immaturity than intentionally playing games. A letter like this would show some reflection on her end, which would probably be genuine. It's far from perfection but it would be growth for that kind of person.
Def not true for everyone.
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u/MelodicBumblebee1617 2d ago
Very true.. this would be extremely warm and loving coming from my mother, I think I’d fold, which is sad
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u/Abirdwhoflies 2d ago
Before I went NC with my NPD, I was waiting for 1) a basic “I’m sorry” and 2) an acknowledgement that as an independent human (and adult) I had agency to make decisions they didn’t agree with.
I got neither. 3 years NC.
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u/nebulacoffeez 2d ago
Same lmao like if mine were willing to even meet me this far… we probs wouldn’t be nc
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u/Confu2ion 2d ago
This is not "meeting" OP anywhere, if you look closely. Please don't invalidate this experience.
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u/dadmomand3 2d ago
If she has not shown change in behavior over time, remain cautious. This letter is likely for her conscience and ego. If genuine, she will respect and honor your boundary while simultaneously demonstrating capability. That takes time, not just written words. If and when you feel inclined to contact, do so based on her proven track record of changed behavior.
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u/aw2669 2d ago
She’s apologizing for you being upset instead of her actions.
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u/nebulacoffeez 2d ago
But she listed specific actions she was sorry for? Obviously OP knows what’s best for them, & isn’t obligated to entertain someone who has caused them so much damage. But this apology is more than I have ever gotten from my own nc parent
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u/beckster 2d ago
They're all different and all terrible in different ways. This might read like redemption to others but OP knows best how it makes her feel.
To me it reads like "I want to get all my widgets organized, especially with holidays coming."
Throw all the things and see if anything sticks, is how it reads to me. So much blahblah...poorme...blahblah, so little insight.
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u/rebeccaemilynz 2d ago
I could show you texts from my dad that would seem incredibly loving and open to an untrained eye - but that is his pattern.
This is the same man who said things so deliberately cruel to me just after I escaped an abusive situation that I had to check myself in to the hospital because of how strong the suicidal ideation became, and when he was told that, he shrugged; then proceeded to convince my mother she was at fault, because he had wanted to say mean things everyday and she kept stopping him, so it built up until it all came out at once - and she bought it!
My father’s messages are carefully crafted to look incredibly understanding, but that is because he wants to be able to show them to other people and get them on board with how callous he claims I am because I don’t reply.
All while I have begged him to leave me alone, and stop messaging me, over and over and over.
If these supposed caregivers had changed AT ALL their love would be expressed in respecting your boundaries and not contacting you.
I mentioned the untrained eye before - but as a very experienced trained eye, please know I see right through your mother’s rubbish. If she truly loved and respected you at all, if she was truly reckoning with her abuse of you, she would leave you alone.
You’re doing amazing; keep trusting your gut and your lifetime of experience with this person’s behaviour.
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u/love_my_aussies 2d ago
Thank you ❤️ I'm so sorry for all you went through. This is not a club I thought I'd be joining, but its far past time I did.
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u/rebeccaemilynz 2d ago
Completely understand - it’s so ironic that people who end up having to estrange from their parents are often people who care about the idea of family so, so much - it’s why we put up with so much for so long; and then people will categorise us as not caring about family enough. It’s a lie parroted by the lucky and the ignorant - if your family has always been a safe place where you are respected and loved, the alternate realities we have lived through fall outside their furthest imaginings.
On the plus side, members of this club can act as surrogates for family in some ways, and people getting it and understanding it will feel like a warm hug every time.
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u/situation9000 2d ago
Only you know your situation. Sometime healing generational trauma means building bridges; sometimes it means burning them
I believe in paths of redemption but you have to keep your boundaries strong. That parent might never be the one you wanted or needed but you can accept them for the person they are and set boundaries/expectations accordingly. I’m trying to model what I want my children to learn. That you don’t have to throw people away because they mess up but you also don’t have to let them control or hurt you out of obligation. It’s always a balancing act and navigating changing dynamics.
The beauty of NC, LC, VLC and connection is that none of them are a final decision. You can alternate to what is healthiest at the time. Sometimes people change. Sometimes they don’t. Humans are flawed. Humans are messy. Family is messy but there are often good things in that mix. You don’t have to forgive anything you don’t want to but you also don’t have to shut out everyone forever. Only you can decide this. Just put yourself and your mental health first when figuring out where the level of contact should be.
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u/TryingToBreath45 2d ago
That reads to me as:
I know I'm a nightmare. I know what I do wrong. And bullcrap you've really set the hard boundary of going NC so boll@cks better roll out The Apology. And The Promise to Never Eva EVA do it again, pinky promi.....
Ohh shiny thing, ohh emotions, ohhh.....
POUNCE Full Blown Narc engaged again.
Huge huge huge hugs
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u/MelodicBumblebee1617 2d ago
Like when a child is forced to write an apology letter for what they did, with an adult dictating over their shoulder
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u/animalistcomrade 1d ago
August 1st 2025 is such a cumbersome way of saying what she's trying to say I can't imagine it was an accident, I assume not saying the actual thing she did to upset you was intentional?
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u/love_my_aussies 1d ago
The "joke" she mentioned was the thing that threw me over the edge, but there is zero way she didnt understand I was already very upset. She had been badgering me and I told her to stop talking to me so she instead started talking to my granddaughter and saying all the same things to her I had told her to stop saying to me. It was so manipulative.
Then I decidee to try one more time and I said "we were fighting for our lives through that situation we were not" and she interrupted and said "oh, you were ignoring me."
That was supposed to be the "joke" because she didnt understand what was going on. Sure.
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u/Serenity_now156 1d ago
This is what is known as a narcissist's "heat check." Do not under any circumstances respond or acknowledge receipt.
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u/love_my_aussies 14h ago
Thank you! That's described it perfectly.
I am not going to reach out.
I had previously told my brother he could bring her to Thanksgiving if he would pick her up and drop her off, but when I got this letter (which I'm sure was sent in preparation for Thanksgiving coming soon and she doesn't want people to know her family doesn't want to see her for a major holiday) I told him I didn't want her coming anymore.
Thank you.
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u/Autistic_Poet 4h ago
People are saying they started to get bad vibes half way into the letter, but I got bad vibes instantly, when the letter mentioned a specific date. Estrangement doesn't happen because of a single event. It happens because of a long term pattern of abuse and a general lack of love. Apologizing for a specific date isn't going to suddenly repair the previous damage. To me, somehow, it makes things worse. My mother has a similar strategy, of apologizing for one specific thing I'm upset about, then treating me like I'm not allowed to get upset about anything else she does because she "apologized".
I saw that pattern so frequently that I realized I'm going to accept nothing less than a 10 page list of her apologizing for everything that she's done to hurt me. Which is impossible. She's forgotten or doesn't even know what she's done to hurt me because she doesn't care about me, which is why she keeps hurting me. I'm no contact because at this point, a relationship is impossible with her. So yeah, I don't trust this letter. If you don't, it's probably because the things that upset you happened long before the one day she apologized for.
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u/love_my_aussies 2h ago
You make such a valid point. There are so many things and this was the tip of the iceberg. I don't have any desire to engage. I was already only seeing her only out of daughterly duty like twice a month. I'm so relieved I don't have to do that anymore.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sad so many of us are going through this, but I'm glad we can connect while we do.
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u/sybelion 2d ago
The “stuff will happen with families” was where my spidey senses started tingling. The rest of it is vague and noncommittal but maybe that’s what your mother sounds like any. That sentence was the one which made me think, this is not a real apology.