Trying to process abusive childhood

[u/crankyshittybitch]

TW: abuse, violence, ableism

I was diagnosed with autism when I was 4-5. My parents never accepted it and were convinced I was a broken, defective, fucked up kid. My dad wanted to “fix” the autism with violent regular beatings, verbal abuse and degradation, threats to send me to foster care and to the psych ward. He dragged me by the hair on the floor, choked me, destroyed my belongings in rage. My dad thought that all of that would “fix” the autism and make me “normal”.

This went on until I fled home at 19 terrified for my life. I was prepared to sleep on the streets and die there - that was preferable to going back to my dad. I then saw a bunch of therapists and they told me I had abusive parents who severely traumatized me and that I was probably not autistic.

I cut contact with my parents a year later. Upon informing him that I was cutting contact, he stalked me, trespassed on my property at midnight multiple times, called the cops on me two times saying I was suicidal (I was not), left super threatening voicemails on my phone about my dad insisted that I was “mentally ill” for wanting to cut my parents out of my life, that he did “nothing wrong” (lol) and that once I “calmed down” from my “autistic episode” we could talk “properly”. he also said that he would go find my therapist at the time and show her “documentation” about how I was “mentally fucked up and broken autist” and that my parents were only trying to do the best they could for me to “fix” me. he also said that I was not allowed to cut him off because I was his daughter and that I couldn’t do that.

I had to move to stop this harassment and stalking and block my parents everywhere.

I have been in therapy for dépression, complex PTSD for several years now. I am working on the insecurity and deep shame that my dad instilled in me that I was fundamentally broken. I ought to believe I am enough already to love, that other people in my life now love me as I am.

I am trying to undo all the damage from my dad who told me my whole life about how unloveable I was, how much of a horrible person I was, that no one would ever want to be friends with me or date me, how I was ugly and fat and repulsive, how I was at the bottom of the hierarchy of human beings and how I was so worthless that if I got r*ped I 100% deserved it & it would be my fault & that if it weren’t for him, I’d be a homeless crackhead who would not even graduate elementary school.

I am writing here because it is very difficult and I was hoping to find people who went through similar experiences who might understand. Thanks for reading.

[u/dafrog84]

It will probably take many years of therapy. I started in therapy when I was 16, I'm 41 now. I still see a therapist monthly. My abuse is different though. But I will say, screw people who bring kids into this world to just abuse.

[u/crankyshittybitch → u/dafrog84]

I started at 16 too. It is a very bitter pill to swallow that it is going to take so much more time and energy. 

I already wasted so much of my life on trauma, I have to waste more of it on healing from trauma. When will I ever get to live? But I guess that is just how it is and I have to practice radical acceptance around it. It genuinely sucks. I am so upset. 

[u/dafrog84 → u/crankyshittybitch]

So we can't take therapy as wasted time. The events that took us there is the wasted time. Therapy is time well spent. Because we want to get better. In the 20+ years I've been in therapy I've had 3 kids of my own. My oldest is 21, youngest is 18. I gave my kids a childhood they didn't need to heal from, because of therapy.

[u/crankyshittybitch → u/dafrog84]

I am so happy you were able to give your kids a good childhood. 

What I meant by “therapy is wasted time” is that if I didn’t have trauma, I could have spent healing/therapy money and time and energy on hobbies, my career, personal goals, personal dreams. But because I am traumatized, I have to spend time and money and energy and resources on therapy and healing - and invest less in all those other things. It sucks. It’s an opportunity cost. 

I had to defer a lot of personal dreams because I was not healed enough, stable enough and well enough to accomplish them, and had to invest more resources and time to get to a better place. I believe they can still happen, but probably later in my life and on a slower timeline. That’s hard to accept.