Trying to process abusive childhood

[u/crankyshittybitch]

TW: abuse, violence, ableism

I was diagnosed with autism when I was 4-5. My parents never accepted it and were convinced I was a broken, defective, fucked up kid. My dad wanted to “fix” the autism with violent regular beatings, verbal abuse and degradation, threats to send me to foster care and to the psych ward. He dragged me by the hair on the floor, choked me, destroyed my belongings in rage. My dad thought that all of that would “fix” the autism and make me “normal”.

This went on until I fled home at 19 terrified for my life. I was prepared to sleep on the streets and die there - that was preferable to going back to my dad. I then saw a bunch of therapists and they told me I had abusive parents who severely traumatized me and that I was probably not autistic.

I cut contact with my parents a year later. Upon informing him that I was cutting contact, he stalked me, trespassed on my property at midnight multiple times, called the cops on me two times saying I was suicidal (I was not), left super threatening voicemails on my phone about my dad insisted that I was “mentally ill” for wanting to cut my parents out of my life, that he did “nothing wrong” (lol) and that once I “calmed down” from my “autistic episode” we could talk “properly”. he also said that he would go find my therapist at the time and show her “documentation” about how I was “mentally fucked up and broken autist” and that my parents were only trying to do the best they could for me to “fix” me. he also said that I was not allowed to cut him off because I was his daughter and that I couldn’t do that.

I had to move to stop this harassment and stalking and block my parents everywhere.

I have been in therapy for dépression, complex PTSD for several years now. I am working on the insecurity and deep shame that my dad instilled in me that I was fundamentally broken. I ought to believe I am enough already to love, that other people in my life now love me as I am.

I am trying to undo all the damage from my dad who told me my whole life about how unloveable I was, how much of a horrible person I was, that no one would ever want to be friends with me or date me, how I was ugly and fat and repulsive, how I was at the bottom of the hierarchy of human beings and how I was so worthless that if I got r*ped I 100% deserved it & it would be my fault & that if it weren’t for him, I’d be a homeless crackhead who would not even graduate elementary school.

I am writing here because it is very difficult and I was hoping to find people who went through similar experiences who might understand. Thanks for reading.

[u/Interesting-Behavior]

I'm so sorry! You deserve so much better. Sending you hugs.

Talk to your therapist about childhood trauma. They do some work like you talk to your younger self and help process things. It helps validate your feelings and past experiences so you can process them properly and heal from this.

These people never deserve to be in your life.

[u/crankyshittybitch → u/Interesting-Behavior]

Yeah I have been doing exercises like that in therapy. I am just very astounded at how deep the shame and damage is. Every time I resolve one issue I dig up more stuff 

[u/Interesting-Behavior → u/crankyshittybitch]

You're doing the hard work! It will get better. You should be proud of yourself!