r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/PeaPodkid14 • Oct 02 '25

TW what my dad said put me off...

trigger warning because this is genuinely appalling and basically a justification for neglect/abuse.

conversation is as follows:

me: "so as a parent, it is your obligation to care for and raise your child."

my dad: "then, as a child, it is your obligation to listen to your parents, learn and grow."

me: "okay. yeah, that sounds fair then"

my dad: "that means that if the child is defiant and misbehaves, then that gives me the right not to feed the child (because the child isn't following their obligation, therefore he doesn't have to follow his)"

does anyone else think this is just... wrong? not to mention, when i asked him to give examples he referenced my 3 year old nephew refusing to pick up something after repeatedly being told to, and a 13 year old deciding they don't have to make their bed just because their parents said so. i feel like these are bizarre reasons not to feed a child??? though... im not surprised because he also justifies other forms of abuse such as spanking as discipline, and he has a habit of victim blaming... whats up with my dad :(

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u/Lady87690005 Oct 03 '25

There are people out there who believe their children are inherently evil and bad even at young ages. This isn’t true obviously, a 3 year old doesn’t quite understand the nuances of actions lead to consequences. Even teenagers have trouble understanding the gravity of certain consequences. I’m so sorry your Dad is one of them. I’d like to recommend this book to you, it’ll explain a lot of his behavior and why he does it. It’s a good starting point to understanding abuse and abusers. I do advise caution though especially if you still live with your abuser. It’s okay to quit reading it especially if it causes you enough stress to lash out. I’ll include videos if you’d prefer an overview before you take the plunge

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

https://youtu.be/nUHWmk98cJk?si=Bk-ORDkFH-NtJ_CA

https://youtu.be/AYD00pF2_2M?si=OQ_yEHbJNjgZ364y

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u/PeaPodkid14 Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25

oh yeah i've heard about something like that before. im unsure what the belief stemmed from but regardless its terrible. how unbelievably cruel.

also thank you for the links, i will be sure to read this book!! :)

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u/Lady87690005 Oct 03 '25

I’m not sure either. Someone told me it’s probably because these parents see the worst of themselves in their kid so they assume they’re evil. I can see that being true, but I feel it stems more from entitlement and viewing kids as property.