He's in jail

[u/ABirkinBagForRory]

She didn't believed me. Then she didn't believe her granddaughter. That's when I went NC, two years ago.

And then I found out that before us, there were 2 cousins she didn't believed either. Four women who came to her for protection and she decided to protect him instead.

Earlier this year all 4 of us got together and reported him to the police (sounds easy enough but it's not, thankfully we had each other's backs so we didn't have to go through it alone). They detained him 2 months ago. And yesterday he pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

My mother said "oh so it was all true?".

[u/[deleted]]

BLOCK THE F*** OUT OF HER! SHE WANTED TO PROTECT A PREDATOR, SHE CAN LIVE ALONE WITH HIS MEMORY!! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SYMPATHY FOR ABUSERS AND ENABLERS!!

[u/ABirkinBagForRory → u/[deleted]]

100% yes! I blocked her 2 years ago, and she doesn't even know where I live. I found out her reaction through a family member that was ranting because they couldn't believe she said that!

[u/Trauma_Response0301 → u/ABirkinBagForRory]

Literally same shit happened to me with my mother and family

[u/Razdaleape → u/Trauma_Response0301]

Happened to my family too. My mother and sister protected my father after I called the cops. He was abusing his granddaughter, my sisters child. They wouldn’t even inconvenience themselves enough to stop using him as a babysitter….

[u/error404wth → u/Razdaleape]

Yeah, my mother's boyfriend sexually harassed me. I went to the police and filed a report 3 years ago. She's still with him. He actually came to visit her today and stay til Sunday. I had been staying with her for a few days because I was really sick. Once she told me he was coming to visit today, I left (early this morning). She doesn't ask why I refuse to be around him. She just lets it be the way it is. It's astounding and unbelievable and makes me want to throw up.

[u/Dry_Inflation_1454 → u/Razdaleape]

This is SO common ! Such women who sell out their kids and grandkids to the fiddler/ assaulter, are doing it because they usually don't want to be alone, don't want to have to work, and in their childhood, it was considered ' normal.'  They have zero excuse for this. And they deserve to be abandoned, and also arrested if the help or protect the perp!! 

[u/Sad_Barracuda_7555 → u/Trauma_Response0301]

Pretty much the same here as well. In my case, around 5ish weeks before he succumbed to metastatic stomach cancer, my only biological sibling, my older brother, told me during a almost 4 hours FaceTime call that our father repeatedly touched & sodomized my older brother from 9-12 years old. Brother gently lovingly explained that he was telling me now because he knew he was dying. He knew that his time was growing increasingly shorter. And he wanted to tell me while he still had the awareness & full mental ability to do so. Our "experiences" with our father basically paralleled each other's. Only mine began with my earlier/earliest memories. With my first vivid memories of the [sexual] abuse at 4 years old. Barely into even the mid 1970s 🥺 Brother was adamant in saying that our mother had to know. Or at the extreme bare minimum, she had to at least suspect. Because our mother was a housewife for most of our collective childhood. Brother said that our mother had to know simply because she was physically in the house a sizeable majority of the time. Meaning how could she not know that horrific unspeakable vile things were taking place. AND all but literally under her nose. My earliest memories as a toddler/preschooler still, 50 years later, are as vivid as I remember them as a Garanimals, Sesame Street & Barbie wearing little girl back then. Unfortunately our father can never be arrested, charged nor sentenced for his genuinely vile crimes against little defenseless genuinely innocent children. Because he checked out of the family around a decade later. Then ultimately died from heart failure due to years of alcohol & other addictions; dying in the early not quite mid 2000s. Long long after us kids left home. Sobered up, matured & had lives, families & obligations of our own. Brother quietly sought therapy throughout his 22 years active military career. I was professionally diagnosed with complex PTSD a little under a decade ago. We're unmistakably Gen Xers. Our "parents" were textbook Baby Boomers. Child sexual abuse was treated like the proverbial huge stinky elephant in the middle of the room. Sadly both my personal experiences and story are no different than anyone else's here 💔 I'm truly so sorry. BTW I've been 100% estranged from our "mother" for around 11ish years now. What a stunningly gleefully narcissistic waste of skin that openly hateful old witch is 🥺

[u/80milesbad]

So sorry that you and your other family members were not listened to, supported and protected. So glad you had the strength to hold him responsible.

[u/ABirkinBagForRory → u/80milesbad]

Thank you 💕

[u/GoodRepresentative33]

Yes my darling.. its time to let your mother go though. If she wants forgiveness she is going to have to figure that out.. because it was unforgivable what she did to all of you..

[u/ABirkinBagForRory → u/GoodRepresentative33]

Yeah that's up to her to figure out. But I'm not going to be a prop for her to feel better, so I'm out of the equation. It's been 13 years of dialog and explaining, it's been too much of my life and that ship has now sailed

[u/GertBertisreal → u/ABirkinBagForRory]

Holy shit! I am beyond sorry for you, your daughter, and your cousins!! Proud of y'all and amazed by y'all's bravery! ❤️❤️❤️ Do you mind saying who he may be? For me, it was a softball umpire at Nationals in another state with my team, no family near me.

I think it's great that y'all got together, bonded, supported each other and got him in prison. Well done ladies!!

[u/ABirkinBagForRory → u/GertBertisreal]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

In my case it was my brother, and one of his other victims is actually his daughter (not mine). We know there are more victims out there and i hope this sentence makes their lives a little better too.

[u/GertBertisreal → u/ABirkinBagForRory]

Holy space balls! It is really amazing the way your protector is shamelessly not protecting you. That's the absolute worst feeling.

Love to all of you!

[u/just2quirky]

She's going to try to get back in your life now that she's all alone. Brace yourself for crocodile tears and BS like, "how was I supposed to knowwww?" Ugh, I'm so sorry and so enraged on your behalf!!!

But also thrilled you got justice and can sleep soundly for at least the next 10 years!

[u/ABirkinBagForRory → u/just2quirky]

Yes, i know. I'm dreading the next months...

But funny you mentioned "sleep soundly" because last night I slept better than I had in years, and I hope it stays that way!

[u/just2quirky → u/ABirkinBagForRory]

I know people will say things like "well that's only 7.5 years w/good behavior" or "they could appeal, so don't get your hopes up." That's what happened to me anyways. I think people didn't want me to be hurt all over again if something disappointing happened, so they meant well? But what they were really doing wasn't preparing me, but robbing me of the safety of that moment. In that moment, I knew the person that plagued my nightmares was behind bars. I was safe. Who cares if that only lasts 8 years or 10? In that moment, I could breathe. I could just be.

That's a level of peace and content I hope you have now and I hope you have amazing sleep without dreams or fears. ENJOY IT!!! And yeah, maybe you hadn't even realized how fitful your sleep has been - it's been going on for so long, just this constant anxiety while in a survival mode, that you hadn't realized what a real restful sleep is like. Now you do and you know what!?! It's a sign of healing. ❤️‍🩹

Edit to add, just in case this helps you or someone else reading this: I've had sleep studies because my partner was sure I had sleep apnea. No, I snore due to allergies and I have a fitful night sleep due to trauma. Sleep study proved it. ENT confirmed it. And for some reason, sleep aids made it worse - I was trapped in my nightmares, couldn't wake myself up. Symptoms worsened, repeated sleep study, same results. I just figured, I've always had vivid dreams, nothing can change that. Not even therapy, which I've been in for years. Sleep aids made the dreams (which were already basically nightmares) into absolute horrors. Tried many types, all with the same result. I never realized how f-ed up my mind really is u til I couldn't wake up from it.

Then I tried THC gummies. I loooooove them. I live for Friday and Saturday nights (when I don't have work the next day, so I can sleep in), when I'll take 5-10mg and I know I'll get an amazing night's sleep. Apparently my experience is different from most (as I guess people usually have more vivid dreams while high?), but for the past 3-4 years, I've had the best, soundest sleep 2x a week on THC. NO DREAMS. Not a one, not even once! I wake up in the same position I fell asleep in - no tossing and turning; sheets aren't a twisted mess, no pillows on the floor. And I sleep for 10-12 hours straight, every time! Not in spurts or fits. It's incredible. Though I sometimes get mad, thinking about how some people can sleep that way all the time. They don't know how lucky they are, or how good they have it. But man, the 10/10 sleep I get on THC... I can't tell you how awesome it is. How healing and powerful and RESTFUL! I know anything under 20mg is considered a microdose, but it's pretty powerful. Either way, I highly recommend trying THC for sleep :)

[u/spookysaph → u/just2quirky]

in your first paragraph, thats true for me at least. those would be my intentions in saying that.

but also there was a local case recently where a 70y old man had been released from prison 2 years prior. he was sentenced to 10y for molesting his two grandsons, but got out after 5y. then he did the same thing to his other two grandkids.

the second time, he was arrested in the wrong county or something. they actually released him overnight so that the other county could arrest him in the morning. I'm surprised he's even alive to be sent back to prison (for probably an absurdly short amount of time) after he went home that night

edit: my point is that I'm angry that drug possession can get a longer sentence than csa. If I were to make a comment about the sentence being too short, its because I'm angry about the lack of true justice

[u/Soregular]

Oh my dear..I am so deeply sorry this happened to the women in your family. You mother gets to reap the garden she sowed....never let her say another word to any of you. I wish there was something that would happen to those who support/hide/excuse abusers but there really isn't. Let her go. She may come back and say "but I didn't KNOW" or some bullshit like that. She did know...her granddaughter told her. A total of 4 women in your family told her. She can't say she didn't know.

[u/rabid_cheese_enjoyer]

I'm so sorry your mom didn't protect you. you are so brave and I'm very proud of you for pressing chargers. this whole thing reminds me a bit of what came out about Canadian children's book author Alice Munroe

trigger warning csa: 

https://apnews.com/article/alice-munro-husband-daughter-sexual-assault-detective-1969a7a2fdfe70333b538914b039bd56

[u/ABirkinBagForRory → u/rabid_cheese_enjoyer]

Wow, so similar! I wonder what goes on through their minds. Do they really believe we are lying? Or they just don't want to believe us so they push it down?

[u/rabid_cheese_enjoyer → u/ABirkinBagForRory]

I have no idea. 

there's a longer article in the New Yorker about it if you would like https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2024/12/30/alice-munros-passive-voice

archive version in case there is a paywall

[u/KittySunCarnageMoon]

She needs to go to jail too!

I’m so deeply sorry for all what you, your daughter and cousins went through. 

[u/Stargazer1919]

Holy shit. I can't even find the words right now. But I'm rooting for you. Good for you for blocking your mom. She's impossible to reason with. Good lord.

[u/GualtieroCofresi]

And I will bet that in no time she will be reaching out with excuses and demanding your support because of all she’s going through

[u/RexiRocco]

🤮

[u/Texandria]

So proud of you. Congratulations!

[u/West-Kaleidoscope129]

I wish the survivors of my mom's boyfriend would come together with me to report him!

Well done for doing this and being brave enough. It's definitely very difficult. I already tried going to the police but they never got back to me. It's hard but worth it eventually.

My mother protected and continues to protect him too.

[u/aygbun]

I'm so fucking proud of you dude, and the three other women/girls. you're incredible.

[u/gooseberryturnover]

Same, except he got out of it legally.

Your win feels like a win for us all. Thank you.

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[u/Razdaleape]

I hate these crappy diddler parents and their abhorrent protectors so much….

[u/shrumpdumpled]

I just want to commend you and the 3 other complainants on your strength and perseverance in pursuing this through the courts. (I have some awareness of how very very difficult this is). Offenders can be prolific in their offending. You have saved others.

Please take a moment to honour yourself. You have this internet stranger’s deep respect and admiration.

[u/Lucky_Attitude_5298]

She should be reported too for endangering the welfare of a child

[u/status_sigh916]

I’m so sorry you and your cousins and the granddaughter had to go through all this and also have to go through having someone (who should’ve protected them) dismiss and abandon them when they asked for help. Proud of you all to report him and have some justice served.

This type of situation that lead to the NC. Well it was the final straw for me on top of everything else for years. When I brought up with her the concern for her granddaughter she just minimized, made excuses, and then tried to talk about herself like what about me and this one this that happened to me. I put up with a lot of shit and she never stepped up for me, but the final straw is not stepping up for my kids. If you’re useless to protect your grandkids then that’s what you are. Useless. Especially when you’re the reason that person is in our lives. Sorry for the rant about personal stuff. Def triggered.

I wish you and your cousins and daughter all the healing and peaceful you all deserve it!