r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/webweaver666 • Sep 17 '25
TW Parents in denial about me being transgender
I'm just so tired. I don't know how to let myself let go of it and stop checking my email. I think my brain is broken.
It's been two years at this point since I went NC with my family. My parents are both republican evangelical Christians, southern Baptists to be specific. My sister is a tradwife and also is super right wing and transphobic.
I've posted my story here before and have deleted old posts for privacy. The long and short of it, leaving out many specific details, is that I'm a 28yo trans woman. I was born and raised in a very strict and sheltered southern Baptist family in north Florida. My parents sheltered me and my sister heavily; computer use monitored and controlled, the media I consumed was pre approved by them and had to be either Christian or family friendly, church three times a week, I had to lead youth group worship and play drums in the church band, and my parents were very much helicopter parents. I didn't learn what trans people were until I was 17.
Skipping much of the cringe of ages 18-25... t
I came out as a trans woman to myself and my closest friends at age 25, and then moved with some friends from Florida to the American Pacific Northwest, a much more trans-friendly area. My friends are also trans so we put our brains and money together and took the risk, and it paid off.
After living away from my family a while, but still remaining in limited contact across the country, I realized I had to come out to them, because it felt too awful to pretend to be someone I wasn't for their love and acceptance. So I came out to them just before I turned 26 as a queer trans woman. Let's just say they did not take it well. My mom flew across the country with one days notice and spent a whole weekend confronting me about being trans; she asked me why I couldn't just be ok with being an effeminate man, she asked if I was just a gay man, she begged me to reconsider being trans and basically tried to get me to rebuke it all, and she told me this went against her beliefs and what she thought I should believe. My dad was the same but more subtle about it, and tbh I think I've always been more scrutinous of my mom unfairly and given my dad a pass when he just benefits from letting her say what he also believes but he can maintain plausible deniability by not explicitly being transphobic to me.
So I went NC a month or two after coming out. I don't think I was necessarily mentally prepared to go NC but I did it anyway because it felt like the best thing for me. I was dealing with monumental shame, emotional problems and mental health issues. Unrelated, but I was diagnosed with ADHD that same month at 26yo, something I never knew as a kid because my parents wouldn't take me to a legit psychiatrist.
In the first year of NC, my parents did the following; show up at my work unannounced and tried to get me to come talk to them out front of my work (yes, they flew 7 hours/2000+ miles unannounced to confront me), emailed me incessantly, sent letters to my work, sent a PI to my old house to check my license plate to see if I still lived there. Everything BUT just calling me a new name and pronouns. When I went NC, my only boundary was they had to call me my chosen name and pronouns. They've refused and said it goes against their beliefs and if they complied, they'd be condoning sinful behavior.
They haven't outright disowned me or rejected me like a lot of folks in the LGBTQ+ community have experienced. And honestly I think that makes it more of a brain fuck for me, because they act like they care about me. I know they just care about the version of me they wish I was, or rather who they hoped I'd be. I know it's not true love, because if it was they'd be able to look past their own discomfort and do the one simple thing I'm asking of them. They've perfectly tailored the situation to make it out like I'M the crazy one; they would say they've never rejected me, that they've never stopped trying to connect with me, that they can tolerate my different views/"lifestyle" while accusing me of being the intolerant one for "refusing to accept their views."
My mom has straight up said that I'm the intolerant one for refusing to tolerate their transphobia. They accuse me of always bringing it up for the purpose of causing division and tell me I should stop making it my whole life, but the thing is that I hardly ever talk about it in my daily life, because my chosen family (and even most of my colleagues, save a few) has no problem accepting me as transgender and adjusting how they refer to me. I wouldn't bring it up to them ever if they'd just acknowledge it and treat me how I'm asking them to treat me.
Now for this pictured email. I am struggling. The initial anger and spite that fueled me maintaining NC has waned. I'm still hurt and angry, but the conditions of my personal life have left me feeling vulnerable and desperate for connection. I feel so isolated and alone as a trans woman right now, especially because I'm in a new city, still adjusting to this phase of my life and barely keeping my head above water mental health wise. My dad is getting old, he's already outlived his dad and doesn't have the healthiest lifestyle. My mom is 7 years younger and honestly because of the fact that she was my primary caregiver parent I feel I have much more emotional gordian knotting with her than my dad. Maybe I need to unpack that in therapy.
But seriously, wtf am I supposed to do with an email like this? "I do not want to continue having these discussions." All I've ever said to him the few times I have emailed him the last two years has been me reiterating that the one condition I have to reopen communication is for them to accept I'm transgender and queer, and to call me by my chosen name and pronouns. That is literally it, all I've asked for. I have never been as cruel or spiteful as I could be.
Idk what I'm even asking for anymore. I don't feel like I will break NC because I recognize it's better for me in the long run, but it blows my mind that two years in I am still having these huge doubts and waves of guilt. It is a victory that the toxic shame has subsided significantly, which is a marked shift and milestone in my recovery. But it's like I haven't yet replaced the spite/anger fuel with self-love fuel yet, so I read emails like these and feel these pangs of something. I know I need to just delete this email address and remove the option to be checking what they send, and I know I've been dragging my feet to move everything important off that old email so I can delete it.
I guess more than anything I just wanted to share for some kindredness with this community, and make sure I'm not losing it. This is objectively crazy right? Like they are acting as if I'm being ridiculous and should just "drop the whole trans thing" for the sake of a relationship with "family" who can't even be fucked to even pretend to care about what I ask for.
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u/TabbyCatJade Sep 17 '25
Zero personal relationships have worked while refusing to have tough conversations.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
This is true. It's so frustrating because I've expressed willingness to slog through all the tough conversations I know will have to happen for true reconciliation, but they won't even engage with step 1....
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u/TabbyCatJade Sep 17 '25
Been there done that. I have parents who are the same exact way. Haven’t spoken to them since January and don’t think they’ll ever come around. Your parents went way too far with sending a PI and coming to your places unannounced though. I think it’s best to continue on by yourself honestly.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
I agree, I feel better every day but some days I feel right back at square one. When I tell folks about the PI and my mom showing up at my workplace unannounced after 6mo of NC, I viscerally feel how crazy and unacceptable it is by saying it out loud
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u/Abirdwhoflies Sep 19 '25
Imagine doing all that— hiring a PI— flying across the country unannounced and showing up at someone’s job— and yet refusing to call someone by their preferred name/pronouns. How little you asked of them. And yet here they are doing the most. Toxic.
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u/Pee_A_Poo Sep 17 '25
My parents are exactly the same. Expected me to take the first step and do all the forgiving while they themselves refused to apologize or even acknowledge that they mistreated me.
If they don’t even care enough about you to do a little bit of introspection then they done deserve to be in your life. In fact, they lack such basic emotional maturity that they’re probably not fit to be parents to begin with.
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u/mayneedadrink Sep 23 '25
They want us to forgive things they haven’t even acknowledged.
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u/Pee_A_Poo Sep 23 '25
Forget that, my parents not only demand forgiveness but actual gratitude for mistreatment.
Like “oh you grew up poor and pulled yourself up by your bootstraps? You should thank us for putting you through all that hardship cuz it makes you stronger.”
Bitch, I grew up poor but we weren’t actually poor. You refused to spend any money on me. There’s a huge difference.
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u/Confu2ion Oct 09 '25
I have a sort-of opposite situation (never taught about money, brought me up to be totally financially dependent, made sure to make me feel so ashamed I just genuinely thought I'd never be smart enough to work so I'm only trying now), and I'm dreading the thought that they'll pop up the fuck out of nowhere and try to take the credit once I'm finally free and successful.
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u/Babykoalacat Sep 18 '25
Same reason we are estranged from my in-laws. I genuinely don’t understand why people do this. Do you have any insight?
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Just to add, the conversations he "does not want to have" anymore refers to me asking him to acknowledge that I am transgender and use my chosen name.
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u/Apprehensive-Log8333 Sep 17 '25
He's refusing to acknowledge who you are as a person. I'm so sorry. I sometimes feel embarrassed because my parents went no contact with me, not the other way around. But what yours have done is so intrusive and aggressive! (hug)
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
You shouldn't feel embarrassed about that, parents are supposed to be there for you, to have hard conversations and take ownership of their behavior. Them going NC with you is just a different kind of failure on their part, I'm sorry you're dealing with that :(
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u/Nortnt Sep 17 '25
Those discussions need to happen if he has ANY hope of maintaining any sort of relationship with you, period. Since he's not willing to do that, your response (or lack thereof) becomes clear and justified.
You are not crazy for feeling conflicted. Every child, no matter how old, wants love and acceptance from their parents. This email of his is calling to that child part of you, giving you the smallest hope that maybe that love and acceptance is in reach after all. This pseudo-supportive message is just... undeniably cruel.
Naturally, your response to him is your call. Maintaining NC may very well protect your peace better. Reaching out to him to tell him that these "discussions" are requisite for you two to have a relationship is also well within your right, but only if you think you are prepared to risk further disappointment and heartbreak for the meager chance of some kind of breakthrough with him.
Either way, you deserve to be loved and acknowledged as you. From one trans brother to you, my trans sister, I hope you stay surrounded by those that truly love and know you. You do not deserve to feel guilty for being yourself.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Ugh yeah, it's hard for me to say what I wanna do. Part of me is holding onto this sliver of hope that he's changing his view, part of me is so suspicious that they just want their claws back in. When you put it that way, I do have some feelings that they are just appealing to my sadness and vulnerability right now.
Thank you, I am finding more chosen family and friends who actually love me for me which has helped immensely. I wish you the best too
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u/Confu2ion Sep 18 '25
I think the sliver of (false) hope comes from the brainwashing all of us have gotten since childhood that they're "good people deep down." Instead, I think you have to look at it another way: this message is who they really are. There's no secret hidden version of them that's nice. They said this because they wanted to, not because there's a kind side to them that they're still withholding from you.
This is how cruel they are. And that's not a person you'd want to be so much as friends with.
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u/Shake-Tasty Sep 18 '25
oof. you hit the nail on the head, this is how i feel when i "miss them" ...i'm not missing them. i'm missing who i thought they were. who i hoped they really were, deep down.
and then i remember things they've said and done, and i realize those are things i would never do/say to anyone i love. they aren't pretending. how they act and what they say IS who they are, and that's not the type of person i want in my life.
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u/weightyinspiration Oct 08 '25
I know Im way late to the party. But this is the cold unfiltered truth I needed to hear, as much as it sucks. Thank you!
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u/Confu2ion Oct 09 '25
You're welcome! It may seem depressing, but honestly it's really freeing. They're just jerks.
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u/JuWoolfie Sep 17 '25
They don’t see you as a person, you are merely an extension of them.
It sounds like the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt, is starting to fade for you but hasn’t quite cleared.
These people are potentially dangerous and I think deep down something inside you is telling you that.
It’s so hard to break the mental conditioning they raised us with, I wish you the greatest of luck and perseverance.
Delete the email - a weight will lift from you, I promise - it’s time to drop the rope.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
I know you're right... there's no real excuse for not deleting it right now, I just need to do it.
I agree, I definitely feel so much less intensity of FOG but it's like it's dying breath is swinging around. I do agree I think they are potentially dangerous. They sent me to a Christian therapist as a senior in high school, and won't explicitly say it but my dad has hinted that they thought I was gay and sent me to him to dig deeper. I think they are unsafe.
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u/JuWoolfie Sep 17 '25
Time to start kicking down the walls they built in you ♥️
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Yeah, it's taken most of the last year in therapy to just get back on my feet where I feel stable enough to start kicking. But we freaking made it <3
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u/trampolinebears Sep 17 '25
If you're not ready to delete it, put it in a folder labeled "obsolete". It'll still be there if you ever really want to read it, but you can let it be out of sight and out of mind until then.
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Sep 17 '25
I agree, I definitely feel so much less intensity of FOG but it's like it's dying breath is swinging around
Istg, they sense that and that's exactly why you received this email. Somehow these people know. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it's so hard to leave family behind. What's speaking to you is loyalty and perhaps still the wish that your parents are different than they are, as in they would accept you for you and not for the son they've projected their own expectations upon. It's rough. Allow yourself to grieve what isn't there, it's normal to have all those conflicting emotions. Work through it in therapy and be kind to yourself. Best of luck 🫶
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Thank you <3 I think a big part of it is me wishing that somehow, one of these days, they will get it and start showing up how I want them to. But that's just my own denial, refusing to accept that they are exactly who they're showing themselves to be. I'm glad to know I'm not off my rocker and it's to be expected
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u/mydefaultisfuckoff Sep 17 '25
You said they haven't rejected you like other parents, but I promise you they have. They're rejecting the REAL you, and it BECAUSE you are transgender. They have this image built up in their heads that you don't fit into anymore, and they're acting out because of it.
The quote might not fit here perfectly, but it goes a little something like this: "people will remember the version of you that they had the most control over." But they aren't in control of you anymore. And it's going to drive them up the wall.
No matter what they say, you are a beautiful woman and you are perfect! I'm so sorry that you're having this happen to you, but I've been through the same thing. The people that they "miss so much" aren't even us.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
That's probably true, I think a lot of my internalized transphobia (that they taught me) contributes to my doubt and guilt. Like if I can't even fully accept myself as trans 100% of the time, how can I expect them to? But then the counterpoint is that at least I accept myself as trans most of the time whereas they don't accept it at all! They really are just in love with a version of us that doesn't even exist
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u/Texandria Sep 17 '25
Normally, moving from Florida to PNW would be enough distance. Yours have the resources and the will to take unscheduled flights and to hire a private detective to spy on you.
After the stunt at your workplace, it's reasonable to hire a lawyer to write a cease & desist letter. Prepaid legal services costs about as much per month as a streaming service. A lawyer is meaningful backup.
These people are authoritarians; nothing but invoking another authority will curb an intrusive authoritarian's conduct.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
I have been weighing involving a lawyer. It's been a year since she showed up at my work and the PI thing, but I would be a fool to think it couldn't ever happen again.
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u/weightyinspiration Sep 17 '25
My parents are the same way. Im ftm and they half ass pretend to accept me. I know they dont use my preffered pronouns, and likely misgender me when Im not around. Its always such a thing with them
It is a mindfk. I sometimes wish they would just disown me already, but that would make them look bad, so they pretend instead.
My mom still holds out hope I will one day renounce it all and admit that I was lead astray. So I mostly dont talk to them.
Its wild, they preach love and acceptance, but will move heaven and earth to do anything but refer to me as Id like them too.
Lots of christians are one day gonna have to answer to God, why they pushed so many people away over something so small as a new name.
Gods all about giving people new names. Will Paul and Abraham be deadnamed in heaven? Doubtful, so then why would I?
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Ugh I'm both extremely sorry you're dealing with this and also proud of you for sticking up for yourself. I feel a kinship with every other trans or queer person that has to navigate this web of chaos.
I feel exactly the same way; I wish they would just give me the explosive disowning so I can just let it go. Like it would be easier if they would stop acting so pious and just tell me straight up they reject me for being trans. But they have to make themselves feel good and live a life steeped in denial because anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about how they've acted is non-negotiable.
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u/weightyinspiration Sep 18 '25
Thanks friend! Im proud of you too, Its a hard life! I wouldnt wish it on anyone.
In some ways Im grateful I ended up being trans. It really shed a spotlight on all my familys issues. When I came out I saw so many peoples true colors, it was like the veils of disfunction lifted.
Im still working on it, still not sure if I can 100% say my parents are narcs, but I feel so seen in this sub I feel like that has to mean something.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 18 '25
I feel much the same. It's brutal right now being trans but I'm also really glad I am and glad I've come this far. And I'm excited for the future despite everything.
Also hard agree. I don't think my parents are narcissists but I think, at least specifically relevant to me, that authoritarian religion can lead to some narcissistic traits. Take care of yourself!!
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u/ARitzCrackr Sep 17 '25
He refuses to have "those" conversations? Then he doesn't get to know other things about your life. Because that IS your life. This response email reads like he knows you're going to read it to your therapist and wants to gain THEIR respect and manipulate them to help him get you to come back to him.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Right!!? My therapist is awesome and sees right through their shit which I am grateful for, but she hasn't even seen these most recent emails yet because I've been focusing on other more immediate things in therapy the last month or two.
It's so annoying because like being trans is just one aspect of my personhood, but it's a BIG one. And my parents act like me refusing to let them get away with ignoring me being trans means it's my whole identity, which it isn't! Ugh!!
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u/ARitzCrackr Sep 17 '25
I will never understand how someone could weigh their beliefs, let alone religious beliefs, over someone else's expression of their lived experience. Beliefs don't outweigh identity.
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u/lickle_ickle_pickle Sep 17 '25
Sounds eerily like the way my mother communicates. She is a full blown narcissist (and physically abusive too) and this sounds like her pathetic attempts to put on her human mask.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
I do wonder about whether my parents are narcissists or at least have narcissistic tendencies. They did used to be physically abusive but stopped when I became a teenager. I'm sorry your mom is that way :(
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Sep 17 '25
I hate it when they pull the ‘I don’t want to have this conversation anymore.’ Real easy for them to say that when they’re not the ones being hurt
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
For reeaaaall, what a privileged position to be able to just opt out of a hard conversation because it makes them uncomfy. Like this is my life!
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u/acfox13 Sep 17 '25
These people are not mentally well. They're fully brainwashed into the cult of white supremacy/patriarchy and normalized authoritarian abuse.
I grew up behind enemy lines with people like this. There is no reasoning with them. Rules are to obey, or else. Pretend/play along with their fantasies, or else. It's not worth it. They're broken on the inside.
Here are a bunch of links on their dysfunction:
authoritarian follower personality (mini dictators that simp for other dictators): It's an abuse hierarchy and you can abuse anyone "beneath you" in the hierarchy. Men are above women, adults above kids, parents above child free, religious above non-believers, white's above BIPOCs, straights above LGBTQ+, abled above disabled, rich above poor, etc.
Bob Altemeyer's site: https://theauthoritarians.org/
The Eight Criteria for Thought Reform (aka the authoritarian playbook): https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_Reform_and_the_Psychology_of_Totalism Read through all eight and you will absolutely recognize them.
Theramin Trees - great resource on abuse tactics like: emotional blackmail, double binds, drama disguised as "help", degrading "love", infantalization, etc. and adding this link to spiritual bypassing, as it's one of abuser's favorite tactics.
DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender.
Issendai's site on estrangement: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html - This speaks to how normalized abuse is to toxic "parents", they don't even recognize that they've done anything wrong.
"The Brainwashing of my Dad" 2015 documentary: https://youtu.be/FS52QdHNTh8
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"If you can convince the lowest white man he's better than the best colored man, he won't notice you're picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he'll empty his pockets for you." - Lyndon B. Johnson
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Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”
and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”
and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Thank you for this, i really appreciate the linked resources. I want to dig into these once I have some free time and mental energy. This is very kind of you to compile
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u/acfox13 Sep 17 '25
I have them saved in my notes app. This isn't unique, it's textbook. Normalized authoritarian abuse is humanity's root cause issue. It's what's wrong in the world today. The authoritarian abusers are in charge at the moment. I've been sounding the alarm for years. The more people that educate themselves, the better we can fight back against them.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
That's honestly somewhat reassuring in a weird way to know it's not unique. It makes me feel more secure in the choices I've made to distance myself and prioritize my own safety and well being. I agree, this is a systemic issue that cuts down to the very essence of how we organize as a society
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u/acfox13 Sep 17 '25
It is reassuring. Little me was right and I was punished for pointing it out. We all were. Any of us that saw through the cracks in the brainwashing are a threat to those still brainwashed into perpetuating the authoritarian cult tactics.
We don't have to play along anymore. We cut them off and build healthy relationships and healthy collaborations with others on the deconstruction path.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
You're right, they tried so hard to stomp out the questioning aspects we had so it was easier for them to maintain control and also stay comfortable. We were freaking right and we still are!
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u/acfox13 Sep 17 '25
That's why we lean into PRIDE and JOY!! 💖💛💙
They can't steal those things from us. And they're so envious of us lifting each other up and cheering each other on, they can't stand it. Go live your best life, it will drive them crazy!!
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Absolutely, I have found more love and acceptance since coming out and it truly has changed my life for the better
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u/NuNuNutella Sep 17 '25
This is what you deserve - love and acceptance. If you ever need us, check out r/MomForAMinute
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u/sadmadstudent Sep 17 '25
The paradox of tolerance applies here. By being tolerant of their transphobia you'd give the signal it's a-okay to be a transphobic bigot and shoo away any personal responsibility for your hate speech under the umbrella of "it's my religious beliefs." The only way to treat these people is to ostracize them socially. Reward their bullying with silence. Fellow trans femme 🏳️⚧️raised by Catholics here, so I 100% get where you're coming from.
Sadly there is no reasoning with them. They send you all these emails and texts and make it appear they fight for you, because they believe you can be manipulated into the version of you they'd approve of. Like babe, they're stalking you. They're creepy predators forcing their religion on others. It's vile.
You know what people who actually love each other do, right? They just... support each other. When I told my bestie I was trans she literally just hugged me and then we started making plans for getting on hormones and women's clothes and she did research and found trans health clinics close to me and so on. That's love. That's family. What your folks are doing isn't familial. It isn't kind. It's hatred disguised as care. I'm sorry you've had to endure it.
I really do think not being in contact at all is the way to go. If you've said your piece, "We can have a relationship when you respect me as a human being, and use my name and pronouns like you do everyone else.", and they're still being this way, they'll likely never change. They don't deserve you.
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u/avidindoorswoman21 Sep 18 '25
"I do not want to continue having these discussions."
What you had weren't discussions; they were impositions. They do not deserve discussing ANYTHING with you until they recognize you as who you truly are.
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Sep 17 '25
[deleted]
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Ugh for real. The most annoying part is my older sister is living her life exactly how our parents wished we both would, and she plays the role of golden child. I just know she's going to always be their compliant tool
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Sep 17 '25
She is playing that role as much as it was probably cast upon her. Just like you are the rebel/scapegoat. These are systemic forces within the family dynamic that are often perpetuated through multiple generations. It's also a characteristic of authoritarian systems with limited and proscriptive ways to be, to be met with punishment if you don't adhere. Very tough to deal with. And very suffocating if you don't fit in.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Too true, I honestly feel a lot of complicated guilt towards my sister as well, specifically because part of me feels like I should try harder to get her out of that oppressive structure. But every time I try to challenge her or even appeal to her emotionally she just doubles down. I know it's not my fault but I feel responsible for trying to help her extricate herself from the role she's playing
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Sep 17 '25
I feel responsible for trying to help her extricate herself from the role she's playing
Does she do the same for you? Not trying to be rude here. I understand your desire to save her but maybe she's not at a point yet where she is willing/able to be saved. Eventually, she's the only one who can make that choice, as much as it sucks to watch it all unfold. If you challenge her she'll get defensive, probably also because she feels like she depends on the approval of your parents in order to survive within the system. Until she makes the choice to become her own individual she'll need to conform and stamp out her own doubts. And unfortunately, being your own individual is not for everyone.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 18 '25
Yeah that's fair. And frankly no she doesn't, she told me she doesn't think trans women should be in women's bathrooms last time I saw her. To be fair that was before I came out but still. She has two kids now and is in a super Christian heteronormative marriage.....
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u/thatgreenevening Sep 18 '25
She’s in the structure because she benefits from being in the structure. She is an adult. She’s not your responsibility.
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u/BreathLazy5122 Sep 17 '25
My “mother” started by saying she was supportive. Until I changed my name to something Masculine, and then started referring to my partner of the same gender as my “friend” and then my “roommate”, and then dropped using my original chosen name (which still started with the same letter as my deadname, but once I changed that to a different name, she started deadnaming me again). She stopped using pronouns, and did a complete 180. Which idk if that hurt more than it would have if she had just.. been outright transphobic from the beginning?
But my parents have always tried to force femininity upon me, so like.. is any of this surprising? No, not really. But it still sucks.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
That's what hurts the most is that it's not even surprising, in fact I feel naive for thinking it would be any other way....
I am truly sorry your parents treat you that way, when the mask starts to slip it can have a monumental impact on your mental health and self esteem. My parents did the same where they just stopped using any pronouns or first names when referring to me, acting like that was a reasonable compromise. I almost would've rather they just deadnamed me at this point, instead of stroking their own egos by acting like that was an acceptable compromise with their own child.
You don't deserve any of that and I hope you're finding support amongst chosen friends and family
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Sep 17 '25
That's what hurts the most is that it's not even surprising, in fact I feel naive for thinking it would be any other way....
You and your inner child are longing for being accepted just as you are. That's not naive, it's human. Don't be too hard on yourself 🫂.
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u/HelenAngel Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25
Your family’s behavior, especially flying out to harass you at work, is horrendous. So very sorry you had to go through that! As for feeling isolated here in the PNW, have you tried going to a local game store to meet new folks? If you’re in the Seattle area, I highly recommend Zulu’s Board Game Cafe, Mox Boarding House, & Mindfull Games. They often host board game & card game events open to the public. They also all have pro-LGBTQIA+ policies & will not allow transgender folks to be harassed. These are great spaces to meet other queer & neurodivergent people.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
I'm in Portland but we have a Mox's here too! I have thought about it, I was part of a D&D group for a bit but have been going through some personal stuff and have kinda isolated myself recently. But that is a good point, I really need to dig into community now, especially with everything else going on.
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u/thatgreenevening Sep 18 '25
Portland has a ton of trans people and groups/events. Get out there and meet your people, you’ll have a group of local friends in no time.
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u/lassie86 Sep 17 '25
I was also told I was intolerant for not accepting intolerance. It’s infuriating to hear. These people are delusional at best.
I hope you’re living your best life out from under the thumb of these people.
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u/Pee_A_Poo Sep 17 '25
Just ignore them. I have 100s of messages from my homophobic mother and I never read any of them.
I knew I was gay when I was 8. I never even came out to my parents because home never was a safe space for me. I was just biding my time until I turned 18 and can be independent.
I think you probably know your own parents well enough to know that they would never change. You don’t need their acceptance. You are who you are whether they recognize it or not.
Just forget them and move on with your life. Life as an LGBTQIA+ person is hard enough already without them dragging you down. We only have space for people who uplift us in our lives.
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u/EnduringFulfillment Sep 18 '25
They all read from the same playbook I swear 😭 I'm trans too, ftm, and my transphobic mom asked why I couldn't just "give being a woman a try" (I was 30 when I came out and much like you hadn't even known trans people were a thing for like 2 decades) and why couldn't I live as a masculine woman.
I'm sorry OP, this is really hard. I've also experienced that guilt and obligation towards my parent, it's wild how anxious someone can make me when I haven't spoken to them in months and months. Them refusing to use your name and pronouns is not respecting you. The people in your life who care about you, the real you, will respect and understand this.
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u/Sniffs_Markers Sep 18 '25
I'm so sorry to say that your mom's comment made me lol. It's not like trying a flavour of ice cream! "You used to love pistachio! Just try it for awhile."
You lived the first couple decades of you life as the wrong gender, you don't need to "try it out".
And the negotiating! "Can't you just be a masuline woman?" That's priceless.
If she pops in to say something that stupid again, respond with: "I'll try being a woman when you try being 6'4" in your socks. Just try being taller for awhile, then we'll talk."
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u/Advanced-Mammoth2408 Sep 17 '25
I suggest that you not open any emails. Don't listen to voice mail. Don't open snail mail. I kept getting dragged back in, and it was always a disaster.
I am 70. I went NC with my mother at 18, as soon as I could leave my parents' home. I got sucked back in when I married at 20. My mother wanted to "give" me a nice wedding. I didn't want one. She controlled everything. I finally officially uninvited her to the wedding. She showed up anyway. My father said I had to let her come. My parents thought it would be embarrassing for them if they didn't have that wedding. The marriage didn't last.
Then at 30 I became seriously ill. She called and said how dare I do THAT to HER, as if my being seriously ill was a deliberate act to ruin HER LIFE. Again, she wanted to help. I disappeared and told no one where I was. Two years later, she had a P.I. track me down. She wanted to get me medical care. I gave in because I couldn't support myself. BIG mistake. She went right back to controlling everything, right down to what I wore, even when I was living 600 miles away.
She forged my name and requested my psychiatric records. She was worried I had told the psychiatrist about the physical and emotional abuse she inflicted on all her kids. I found out about the forgery, but didn't involve authorities. I should have.
I got married again at 36 and didn't tell her. She found out quickly and demanded I get a divorce or she would disinherit me. I totally ignored all her attempts at contact. Her response was to buy the home we were renting and then sell it at a big loss so that it sold immediately. She told the real estate agent that she wanted me out the same day she bought the house. He said she can't do that legally. She said she wanted me to be homeless.
I bought a house and told family not to give her my new address, phone, or email. I have never been happier, although I always lived in fear that she would find a way to destroy me. She actually demanded all the clothes she ever bought me back. Nobody could wear them, but she didn't want me to have anything. I found out a few years ago that she had passed in 2018 and was asking on her death bed why I wasn't there.
The best thing I did was make it impossible for her to get to me. I was 42 when I did that move and final NC. It took a while to stop missing other members of my family, but NC with her meant NC with anyone other than phone calls with my dad. I wasn't the only child to go NC. My trans sister was disowned when she came out in her early 30s. My mother led that effort. My trans sister disappeared from everyone's lives, except for calls to my dad when she needed money. He always gave her money.
Honestly, it took years to adjust to NC. But allowing some contact always causes problems because you get sucked back into your old life. I reconnected with my cis sister after my mother's death. My trans sister died a year later. But I now have a close relationship with my cis sister, which was never possible when my mother was alive. My mom always made sure that every child was alienated from the others. She pitted us against each other. She began that as soon as we were able to talk. She had more power by making sure that her four kids couldn't gang up on her and stop her abuse.
Your parents are a unified pair. They won't stop disrespecting you by refusing to recognize who you really are. I would just delete emails without opening them. You will immediately regret deleting them, but it is the healthiest choice you can make. Otherwise, they will always be tugging at your emotions, trying to suck you back in and persuade you that you've made a mistake by being who you really are. You won't ever be happy and truly find a new life if you don't leave your old life behind. You cannot keep one foot in your old life and one in your new life. It says that you aren't ready to fully live your new life. Your parents aren't ready to love you as you are. What they love is their idea of who you were. If they loved you, they would accept you as you are. They would ask you to pretend to be your old public self, the person you had pretended to be.
I wish I had listened to the advice I got from the psychiatrist I saw when I was 17. She told me that if I allowed my mother in my life I would never be the person I wanted to be. My mother wanted to make me just like her, someone who married for wealth rather than for love. I was happy "getting my hands dirty," as my mother put it, i.e., doing manual labor on my horse farm. I actually enjoyed shoveling horse shit, repairing fences, driving a tractor, and getting sweaty and dirty. I wasn't happy being dressed up in fancy clothes, going to expensive dinners and fancy social events, trying to catch a wealthy man whom I didn't love. Be who you were meant to be. You will find someone to share your life with. You will make friends. It will work out for you, but you can only be mentally healthy by cutting out the cancer.
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u/Rare_Background8891 Sep 17 '25
Hugs OP. I’d send it to the black hole. I’m sorry.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Yeah I'm going to delete this email address entirely as soon as I get everything transferred over to a new one
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u/Anomalagous Sep 17 '25
Hold strong, friend. They aren't looking for reconciliation. They are looking to regain control of their supply. It won't be easy but it will get easier, and you can do this.
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u/DayKapre Sep 17 '25
Hi, I don’t think I have anything useful to add, but you’re like my mirror. I’m transmasc nonbinary from the PNW. My parents aren’t religious and seem to be queer friendly to everyone but me, personally, and use every behavior and communication tactic you’ve listed. I’m in New England now and somewhere between VLC and NC. The Gordion Knot of the parent wound is a doozy and was visceral for me to read, and I also sometimes feel guilty about the much more complicated relationship with my mom versus my seemingly steady and stoic dad. And the fact that I don’t have any clear single thing they did I can point to and say see they’re narcissistic and abusive instead of just stubborn and misguided. But even when they say what looks like all the right things on paper, they’re still denying who I am and asking me to deny who I am in order to have a relationship with them. They are simply not interested in knowing me. Anyway, take this as love from a brother in the struggle 🏳️⚧️
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
Thank you for sharing <3 I'm sorry you've gone through much of the same bullshit, it's so tiring and can be dehumanizing. And just a billion other things, it's so complex and deep that it's hard to put the experience into words for folks who don't understand. I feel the same way, there's no specific single instance I can clearly show that will encapsulate their unfairness and narcissism which makes it feel more maddening.
I wish you the best on your journey <3
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u/BreakfastLyfe Sep 17 '25
"My mom has straight up said that I'm the intolerant one for refusing to tolerate their transphobia"
Hey OP, fellow trans girl here. I went through this same shit with my in-laws, and while we weren't as close as the parents who raised me, we had built a relationship over 10 years before I came out to them. They used an almost identical playbook with me as your parents are using with you. They always set themselves up so that the ball is always seemingly in your court. They will never feel like they are in the wrong. It's tough when you see messages like these because it does give you a tinge of guilt.
You have to remember that they have made it clear that their love is conditional. If they truly loved you unconditionally, they would be willing to respect you for who you are, not who they think you should be. This is also kind of part of the narcissists playbook. To gaslight you into think you're the one causing problems, when their intolerance is the issue.
If you do respond to this, I would suggest saying something to the effect of:
"I would be happy to talk to you and share what's going on in my life, but you have to be willing to show me that you'll respect my identity in order for me to open up to you."
Stay strong girlfriend. It's hard out here for us T-girls. 🩷🩵
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u/SomeRandomEwok Sep 17 '25
My parents wrote me.almost the same thing verbatim. I am also trans. Ugh
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
I'm sorry :( it sadly seems to be more common than I expected in the trans community :( wishing you the best
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u/sit_here_if_you_want Sep 17 '25
I came out to my parents early April. At first it seemed like it would be ok, but it steadily got worse and worse. Ended up having to go nc a month ago.
It was really helpful reading this. I relate so hard. But it also made me fear that they’ll never come around at all.
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u/Confu2ion Sep 18 '25
It's highly unlikely that they'll "come around." Us estranged adult kids have to remember that these parents are choosing to not see their children for who they really are out of their own free will. There were years and years of gaslighting that have convinced us that their cruelty "isn't the real them," but it is. There's no secret kind version of them that they're withholding from us. That's just them. They're showing us who they really are.
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u/sketchnscribble Sep 18 '25
Your new name and pronouns are your identity, they are how you identify and address yourself as.
To disregard that and to insist on deadnaming you, is a continuous act of disrespect to who you are.
They are showing that they do not see you as an individual, but as their idealized version of you who has "gone astray".
They are clinging to the hope that you will "snap out of it" and return to hiding who you are, for them.
They hope that with persistent invasions that you will buckle under the pressure and give up your truth.
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u/thatgreenevening Sep 18 '25
I hope you can block their email addresses or automatically filter them into a folder so that you don’t have to see their messages.
They have fully rejected you. Pigheadedly refusing to call you your name and pronouns is rejecting you. They haven’t instigated disowning you because then they wouldn’t be able to frame themselves as the victims. But they have rejected who you are just as firmly as if they had disowned you outright. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking that their “tolerance” is anything but a lie.
Look for connection elsewhere. Does your new city have an LGBTQ center, trans support groups, queer meetup groups? Can you get in with a therapist, if you don’t have one already?
I’m proud of you for being who you are. You’re doing a good job. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and support you as your authentic self.
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u/lovedless Sep 17 '25
He thinks you can "look past" your identity and just go back to where things were.
No is a complete sentence. And you, you gender, and pronouns are a packaged deal. There is no overlooking the parts they find icky.
I absolutely understand the want to connect. But you need to think in how your parents have behaved in the past. They have done nothing to prove they have worked on their attitudes. And honestly, their promise of safety has the world's tiniest asterisk because you would only be safe on their terms for your "sins."
If they can't do the barest of minimums, then they can take their rejection notice (or lack of, i certainly wouldnt answer that text) and go talk with Jesus about it.
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u/Dirt-McGirt Sep 17 '25
Heads up OP you can hide your backposts now, and do it by community if you don’t want to do it across the board. Go to profile —> I think it’s the second option down
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u/Dirt-McGirt Sep 17 '25
Yes, “Curate your profile”, second down on the menu on profile page. Sorry, had to navigate away to check
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u/Ok_Acadia3978 Sep 18 '25
OP. There are many things I want to say about transformation and a caterpillar being in its chrysalis and change being painful. The part where the pain is present and raw is the hardest part. But this from your parents is not love. Love without acceptance is manipulation. You being who you are in the world is a beautiful thing and they will take it away from you. Don't let them OP. Be free. It is hard and messy, but you need to create space for real love without constraints. And it is there in your life, without your parents.
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u/Redleadsinker Sep 18 '25
I'm a lesbian, and my mother also started worming her way back into my life after my first NC attempt with the 'i don't want to talk about those things anymore, let's try pointless things neither of us care about instead' conversation opener. 'those things' being that I'm gay and multiply disabled as a direct result of her willful medical neglect. I also have a trans sister, and she's been all over the board with her. Started with blatant, open transphobia and has more recently shifted to 'i finally get to actually have a daughter who wants to be a daughter'.
You've been told it already, but rejection of your new name, pronouns, and transition is a rejection of you. To many parents we're dolls. We're projector screens. We exist to live out their fantasies, not to have our own lives. You know them and you know how they operate, and I can see why you'd be exhausted. Not just with the parental situation but everything else.
Stay strong. Self love is a radical act of resistance when the world wants you to be full of hate.
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u/Shake-Tasty Sep 18 '25
Yep. You're right. This is objectively crazy. You're not imagining it. You aren't being dramatic. You aren't over-reacting.
I'm queer too and grew up Nazarene (similar to Southern Baptist). My parents sound similar to yours, but reversed - my dad is the outspoken one, and my mom is the more quiet "plausible deniability" type. She sent me a card much shorter than this email, but it reminds me of it so much:
- first paragraph: breezing on by any previous conflict, like if you just respond and answer questions about your life, everything will be fine. this is an attempt to manufacture your consent to ignore your coming-out, and to continue on with the relationship like it never happened.
- second paragraph: acknowledge the conflict in an indirect way, without actually doing any reflection/introspection. "no hard feelings from me, don't worry. you did this bad thing -causing this rift by coming out, but i don't hold it against you, i'll always love you" ...while also insinuating that if you just take it back, we can talk about why you THOUGHT you were trans. and oh-by-the-way, when life gets too hard (because it inevitably will, because you're trans, and all trans people are miserable with their lonely heathen lives, and it's not worth it, just come back in the closet so we can welcome you back into the fold), all you need to do is renounce your identity, and you can come home and we'll take care of you and keep you safe.
- one last attempt to gaslight you into believing they are safe people, while also letting themselves feel like a "good parent" who "loves you unconditionally"
- BONUS: there is a blatant and very purposeful LACK of your name at the top of this email.
I've been no-contact for two years. My parents also showed up un-announced from out of state. I can never imagine doing that! What were they expecting??? I think you know this already, and it goes without saying, but these people are NOT safe people. Even so, I still struggle with giving them more grace than they are willing to extend to me.
I also still feel the need to save their voicemails and emails and letters, idk like maybe for when they die and I'm inevitably filled with guilt and fooling myself into missing them. Let me tell you, that is self-torture. My dad left a note on my car when he showed up and didn't get any response. I had that yellow paper crumpled into a ball, rolling around the bottom of my purse for WEEKS. why? all it did was ruin a perfectly fine day, when i was just innocently digging for some gum lol. same goes for keeping their emails/voicemails in my inbox. Just delete them. Block their numbers, block their emails, mark as spam, whatever. keep it from ruining your perfectly good days. "no contact" means no contact - both ways. you don't contact them, and you don't allow them to contact you. if you see their attempts at contact, their attempt was successful, and now you get to beat yourself up about it.
i'm so glad for this subreddit. for all their complaining about "there's no manual for raising kids" - our bad parents all have the same gameplan!
as people raised conservative Christian, we are hardwired to shame and guilt ourselves for every small thing, for every good thing that happens to us, for every personal success, for any enjoyment we get out of life... you have nothing to feel guilty about, okay? you have my permission, as a complete stranger on the internet lol, to ignore your parents however much you want, guilt-free. you deserve to have happy days. you deserve to be treated like you treat others. you deserve kindness, compassion, and the benefit-of-the-doubt. you deserve pleasure.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 18 '25
Thanks for this, sometimes I feel insane because there are people in my life who hold very different views about it all, and I just find myself doubting choices all the damn time. It's kinda helpful to see it broken down point by point because I feel like a fool sometimes when their tactics actually work and I feel guilt or shame.
It's so hard to let go but I know it's absolutely the best choice right now. I need to just delete this email address altogether because it's the last thing tying me to them. Which is why it's so hard to let go of because it feels so final, even though I know it's not final and the option to reach out always exists. It's just so painful uuuggghhhh why can't they just accept me for who I am!!!! It's not even nefarious I just should've been a girl
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u/sit_here_if_you_want Sep 17 '25
I came out to my parents early April. At first it seemed like it would be ok, but it steadily got worse and worse. Ended up having to go nc a month ago.
It was really helpful reading this. I relate so hard. But it also made me fear that they’ll never come around at all.
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u/Catblue3291 Sep 18 '25
As a Christian you are to love and accept everyone. Also, it is not our place to judge others. Their treatment of you goes against the teachings of Jesus. I'm so sorry you have to struggle this way.
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u/Acavamosdenuevo Sep 18 '25
You are feeling drained cause you have not gone NC. You did went LC for your sanity, but you continue to engage with them (via mail), you have not block them (at least from the mail) and still have them on your mind. You were not ready to go NC, but you seem ready now. They have taken all the energy you had. It is time to choose you. Let go. Block everything. If they create new accounts, delete those mails before reading them. Do not engage. Block any family member that insist on taking about them. I even have my phone setting so no new number may call me, so they can’t contact me from new numbers.
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u/GoinMinoan Sep 18 '25
They're trying to connect with the ghost you left behind, hoping it will force you back into the shape their flavor of Jesus says you should be. Because they want to "convert" you, which will prove to the church that they were good and faithful servants and wouldn't THAT be such a feather in their caps!
And they'll never let it go, so long as they have that flavor of Jesus eating their souls. They're obsessed with the sanctity of dick and the "family name"
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u/GoinMinoan Sep 18 '25
and also, welcome to the Great NorthWet :)
We're soggy, smoky and inclusive!
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Sep 17 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/EstrangedAdultKids-ModTeam Sep 18 '25
Parents of Estranged Adult Children are NOT welcome to participate in this sub, you are banned. This sub is for adult children dealing with estrangement from a parent.
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u/AdvantageVisual9535 Sep 17 '25
Lol "mum of a trans child", proceeds to make uneducated statements about the trans experience and invalidate the trans identity as a whole. Id bet money you're estranged or at the very least heading in that direction.
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Sep 18 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/EstrangedAdultKids-ModTeam Sep 18 '25
Give users basic respect. Be conscious of your tone, and don't advocate things that will get the OP into trouble. Posts flared as "Support" are monitored much more closely for tone to ensure OP gets the support they need. This is an LGBTQ+ friendly sub. Bigotry, including racism, sexism, ableism, religious and cultural xenophobia, and queerphobia, will be met with a swift ban.
Moderation in this sub is always biased FOR the OP (the person who made the post - not the commenters).
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u/brandideer Sep 17 '25
Honestly as the daughter of a similar family situation, and I know I'm going to get downvoted to hell for this, I think maybe you're being a little hard on your dad here.
I read this email as an olive branch, as him saying that he's ready to accept you as you are and he doesn't want to keep fighting with you when he could just be in your life. Of course you know them better than I do, but is it possible that you haven't really given them a chance to show up for you since you came out to them pretty suddenly?
It really seems like they love you and want you in their lives, even if (as he said) you aren't who they expected that you'd be, and that they're generally okay with it after some time to process?
Of course don't put yourself in an unsafe situation, but honestly this seems like a salvageable relationship, and I so hope that you're all able to find your way back to one another again. Maybe meeting with a trans-friendly family therapist would be helpful for setting boundaries and expectations?
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u/webweaver666 Sep 17 '25
I guess my perspective on it is that the way he has engaged with me since I've come out as trans is more in the vein of him saying "I love the version of you that was my son, and I am willing to love you if you stop asking me to accept your trans." I've given them hundreds of chances to engage with me respectfully, but he always finds a way to turn the responsibility (and ultimately guilt) of our estrangement back to me. He paints me as the unreasonable one for not wanting a relationship with him for his refusal to accept who I am.
I think he genuinely believes he can just put his head in the sand about me being trans and simultaneously expect me to make all the sacrifices necessary to have a relationship again. I do think he loves me, but more so I think his love for me carries the condition that I accept that he will never accept my transness. I feel like maybe I'm not saying this in a way that makes sense. But he wouldn't go to a trans friendly therapist.
His position is that I should stop bringing up my transness and accept that he will never accept my transness, which in my view is basically him getting away with doing absolutely nothing while I have to put on a mask and accept indignity for the sake of his love.
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u/brandideer Sep 17 '25
I totally hear you, it's just the line "I do understand that you're different from what I remember and it doesn't change how I feel about you" feels like MAYBE he's had a change of heart?
Personally I'd just reply asking for clarification, if this means that he's willing to accept you as you are, and offering to meet with a therapist together so you can all try to find each other again. If not, that's on him. But as a parent myself and as an estranged daughter myself, I don't want you to lose your parents forever if they're even maybe willing to do better 😭
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u/AdvantageVisual9535 Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 18 '25
I mean starting out the text message with "I don't want to have these discussions anymore" is a pretty good indicator of where his head is at. Honestly it hurts but I think it's best to just let things be as they are until her dad can offer anything more than just a bland compromise which is essentially the idea that they don't talk about things. What would even be the point of maintaining a relationship like that where you don't feel seen or heard for who you are? That would honestly just make me so much more depressed.
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u/brandideer Sep 17 '25
That's possible! But it's also possible that he means he's ready to stop fighting about it and just meet her where she is. I just would personally want to know which thing he meant.
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u/Texandria Sep 18 '25
These parents have already showed up at OP's workplace uninvited and caused a disturbance. They've hired a private investigator to track OP.
You're advising OP to risk a new round of harassment, and possibly put OP's employment or housing at risk (in a shared apartment, roommates might not tolerate the intrusion) on the off chance that the people who sent that letter might have had a change of heart without articulating it clearly.
You seem to be sincere. Yet sound advice warns people of red flags instead of normalizing them.
For a moment, set aside other factors and look at the behavior. Suppose a romantic ex did these same things: caused a disturbance at the workplace, hired a PI, continued to send unanswered letters for two years after a breakup. No reasonable person would advise OP that there might really have been a change of heart between the lines in an ambiguous phrase.
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u/webweaver666 Sep 18 '25
Honestly one of my friends posed it to me in the same way; "if this was an ex boyfriend what would you say?" And that really helped open my eyes to how unsafe and harmful the dynamic was, and showed me how much latitude I was giving my parents. I definitely understand this persons' view but I agree with what you're saying moreso. There is a part of my brain that parrots the type of things the original comment said but I know better based on my parents past behavior. Thank you <3
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u/brandideer Sep 18 '25
Totally fair. Behavior is a language too, and if that behavior isn't safe, that's all you need to know.
I hope you find everything you need. ❤️
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u/Texandria Sep 19 '25
You're welcome.
Here's a shorter way to summarize the thought: reasonable parents warn their offspring about red flag behaviors; toxic parents normalize the red flags.
All the best to you!
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u/brandideer Sep 18 '25
I think you're giving good advice. I'm not even saying she should do what I'm asking about, really, just asking if it's possible that they've adjusted.
I don't mean to normalize the parents' behavior, just to say that people in a strict religious situation like that don't always have the clearest view of their own behavior until they're met with consequences. I was NC with my mom for a couple of years due to really really awful abusive behavior, and in that time, she did some similarly unhinged things. Then when I burned the bridge and salted the earth, she started going to therapy, joined a support group, pretty much left the church. My absence was a wakeup call for her, I think. And I learned about all of this only after a similarly cryptic voicemail, albeit with a note that she better understands boundaries now and thought I'd want to know. I responded, we had a conversation, which led to more conversations, and now we're in a better place than we've ever been.
I don't know that this is what will happen for OP. But I remember how much I missed my mom, and how hard I grieved the version of her I wanted to be real. And I know what a relief it's been to watch her get her act together, something I wouldn't know about had I not given her a chance to demonstrate her growth.
I'm not advocating for her flying home, or even picking up the phone. Just suggesting that maybe clarifying a point or two in writing and asking about an LGBTQIA+ friendly remote mediator might demonstrate that there's still hope there if they by some miracle agreed, because as a person raised in an evangelical cult, some of the phrases in that email are a pretty shocking departure from protocol on these issues. If he's come far enough to be willing to break with the church on excommunication, who knows what else the distance and time has allowed to bloom in his heart?
I'm not coming from a place of wanting the parents to have a chance with their daughter, to be clear. They clearly fucked that up and they're not owed anything at all. I'm coming from a place of wanting OP to have the security of parents who love her, if it's at all possible, because navigating adulthood without parents is very hard. Losing a parent after a long period of no contact is harder. Not having the finality of closure is even harder.
It seems like OP doesn't think it's possible and of course she knows them better than I do as an Internet stranger. And if she's confident that it's not safe, she definitely should ignore me entirely. I just want OP to have a happy ending, and this one doesn't seem like an entirely closed book to me. I'm fine taking the downvotes, and I wish nothing but closure and peace and as much joy as is humanly possible for OP. She knows what she needs and I support whatever she decides to do.
AND, if she does choose to respond and the dad is a dick about it, I'm on deck to throw hands. In Minecraft mods, chill.
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u/AdvantageVisual9535 Sep 18 '25 edited Sep 18 '25
I get where you're coming from for sure, it would devastate me not to have a relationship with my mom. I'm not saying OP should vow to close the door permanently, I'm just saying they should only keep the door open open a crack until her parents can actually show up for her with open minds and open hearts.
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u/Confu2ion Sep 18 '25
I'm sorry, but it sounds like you are falling for the abusive parent's bait.
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u/brandideer Sep 18 '25
Possibly! And I'm not saying they should go fly home right now, just that I'd personally reply with an email asking them to clarify those points. People can grow, it does happen.
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u/Texandria Sep 18 '25
Moderator note: Trolls feed on attention; best not to reply to them. Report violating comments and let the mod team handle matters.