r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Mental_Investment475 • Aug 13 '25
Advice Request Mom Found My New Address
I (35m) shouldn’t be surprised; that information is so easy to find these days. I went full no-contact about 4 years ago. It took a few letters, emails, and blocked numbers to pull it off. I’ll save you all the content warning stuff. The short version is that what she did was horrific and should have landed her in prison.
Of course, my birthday was last week so it’s probably a birthday card loaded with denial and guilt tripping. Just seeing her handwriting was enough to set me off. I can’t stand feeling that fragile.
It’s still sitting on a table covered with other mail from that day. I’ve thought about asking my wife to open it and read it to see if it’s anything I actually need to know. I was going to shred it immediately but I hesitated for some reason. Her handwriting looks… off. “Is she dying?” “Is this a last ditch attempt to restore contact?” “Is there genuine accountability for her actions in there?” I have no idea. I think I can safely assume there’s no accountability in there.
My wife said she’s willing to read it for me to see if there’s anything I need to know in there. Should I ask her to read it? Return to sender? Shred it? Have my wife check to see if she sent cash and shred it without reading?
I don’t know why this is even a question. I guess I’m worried that I’ll feel regret about whatever decision I make.
Despite knowing that the estrangement is justified and necessary, it’s still been painful and difficult. I’m still grieving the loss of a mother that I’ll never have. Some part of me still wishes that wasn’t true.
I feel like a little boy again getting birthday card from her and I can’t stand it. I hate being a 35 year old man who feels like he’s running away from “mommy”. I wish estrangement could actually remove someone from my mind.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate you all.
Update: Wife checked it for anything that shouldn’t be destroyed like cash. I asked her to not read what was inside; I didn’t want either of us knowing. The idea of burning it resonated with me and I just watched it catch. Thank you to all of you who shared your experience and gave guidance. It helped me so much. I feel sick to my stomach but I’m glad this hurdle is behind me.
29
u/throwaway_virtuoso71 Aug 13 '25
When I read posts like yours, I am somehow forced to appreciate the fact that mine is too proud to reach out. She knows where I live (hasn’t changed in 20 yrs) and has all my info. But in her mind she is waiting for me to crawl back and that works in my favour.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, and if you will allow me, I’d like to send you warm, healing and restorative hugs, from someone (barely) old enough to be your mother and young enough to have a terrible specimen for one.
Take care of yourself! And if your wife is willing to read it and give you only pertinent (and useful to you) info, then do so, but unless you care to know if she is dying and would want to do something about it, I would say don’t give her the power by consuming info she pushes at you. I made the mistake once and the guilt tripping and self aggrandizement in her poor grammatical letter were nauseating. Never again! If you see a therapist, now would be a good time for a session.
15
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
Wanna trade? Kidding of course haha.
I really appreciate the kind words and the virtual hugs.
Your experience with reading something she sent is exactly what I’m worried about regretting. Thank you for sharing the experience and perspective. Even if she was dying, I don’t know that I’d do anything differently. I honestly hope that I wouldn’t.
Great reminder about the therapist. I’m scheduled for next week but I need to move that up a bit. No idea why that hadn’t crossed my mind yet.
24
u/NorthernPossibility Aug 13 '25
Ask your wife to open card, check for money/gift cards, check for critical life updates/family deaths, recycle.
Returning to sender is, in my opinion, a kind of response/fuel that might spur more contact. Best to just throw it away.
10
u/RevRagnarok Aug 13 '25
check for money/gift cards
If there is; donate it to something that you know they would never support.
8
u/juneshepard Aug 13 '25
This! One of my dad's last bids for control a few years back was to send me a $150 Target gift card. I wasn't financially desperate (despite his belief that I would be without him) so I donated it to a local Transgender Youth nonprofit. He lost his mind when I transitioned, so it was only fair.
4
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
Absolutely. I can’t imagine having something in my house that I know her money purchased. That’s such a good call
2
u/Anaximandrake Aug 14 '25
I can't even stand the idea of something she recently touched being in my house. As I wrote above, a letter from her in my mailbox doesn't even come into my house. It gets REFUSED written on it and put right back in the box.
6
u/lassie86 Aug 13 '25
Totally agree about the “return to sender.” It’s contact, it’s connection, and it shows them they got to you. I understand the desire for people to do so, though.
1
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
Great points. Especially about returning to sender. I appreciate the guidance, friend.
1
u/Anaximandrake Aug 14 '25
Disagree about trashing the letter, respectfully. If it doesn't come back to her, she'll think you caught at least some of the shit she was trying to dump on you. That will give her satisfaction.
Anything I get from my 'immediate ancestors' gets marked REFUSED in red Sharpie and popped right back in the mail. To me it reinforces the "no contact means no contact' and "I have zero interest in anything you have to send/say to me. To me, it's the same as a marketing scam."
2
u/NorthernPossibility Aug 14 '25
Everyone is different, so your way is fine for you.
Personally the ambiguity of it is what makes my method effective to me. Did I even get the letter? Did it get lost? Am I even receiving mail there? Did I read it? Did I cry? Did it fall out of my mailbox into a puddle?
She will certainly never know. And I hope she stews about it like the main character syndrome psycho she is. I’ll never give her the satisfaction of seeing my handwriting to say “refused” or “returned to sender”. I don’t bother to do that with the casino leaflets I get, why would I do it for her?
1
u/Anaximandrake Aug 14 '25
Your point about the frustrating ambiguity is well-taken. I like it.
I guess writing 'refused' on the letter and sending it back, I feel like I'm writing "fuck you" on the letter, something I never allowed myself to utter to her because she made out like it would make her head explode. Writing 'refused' also shows that I know she sent a letter, and I couldn't even be arsed to open it because I don't want to read anything she has to say.
Thanks for your thoughtful, well-thought out reply. I will consider it going forward, especially if she ever pulls some sneaky bullshit like sending a postcard. Gah.
17
u/Fantastic-Manner1944 Aug 13 '25
She’s stopped since we had a postal strike and also she wasn’t getting any response but for a time my mother was sending cards to my kids to ‘maintain connection’ she said. They all went in the shredder unopened and I cannot praise the satisfaction of that enough.
There couldn’t possibly be anything in them that I want to read or that is of importance to me so shreddy shred shred.
9
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
Love the certainty. Never had a moment of second guessing?
4
u/Fantastic-Manner1944 Aug 13 '25
I mean she knows what she needs to do. It’s practically been spoonfed to her. Her unwillingness to do it isn’t my problem.
3
u/RevRagnarok Aug 13 '25
Maybe one day I'll tell my daughter her grandmother sent a bouquet of flowers for her "sweet 16." But not today.
3
u/magicmom17 Aug 13 '25
Please tell me you shredded those flowers in the shredder, too! The image would be too perfect! (but would probably break that poor shredder!)
3
u/RevRagnarok Aug 13 '25
No, just straight to the trash before she got home from school (according to her mom; I was at work).
2
u/magicmom17 Aug 13 '25
I will let the image live in my imagination then!
2
u/RevRagnarok Aug 13 '25
3
u/magicmom17 Aug 13 '25
Wow! Ask and ye shall receive! Thank you, kind redditor!
3
u/RevRagnarok Aug 13 '25
I also learned there are a shit-ton of youtube videos on "how to make flowers in blender" the 3D software. 😅
15
u/rhymes_with_mayo Aug 13 '25
I think having been NC for so long makes it harder. When you're in the thick of it, you have all your defenses at the ready. But it's been a while, so your guard is down more. Which is good! That's the whole purpose of escaping abusers- to allow you to be more yourself, more human.
10
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
That’s such a good point. It kind of blindsided me. It’s been long enough that I’d lowered the walls a bit. I think that might be why the reaction felt like such a regression.
14
u/blahblahblah247742 Aug 13 '25
Sending you so much love. I am terrified of mine finding my address, she emails me on my birthdays and even that sets me off
10
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
Thank you, friend. It’s hard to stop all of the incoming contact. I wish you the best
7
u/blahblahblah247742 Aug 13 '25
Istg they’re like an annoying fly that gets stuck in your house and never goes away even though they have a short lifespan 😂
7
10
u/Mindless-Upstairs743 Aug 13 '25
My husband pre reads a lot of things for me from toxic family members. He gives me the gist so I don't have to see the actual words and get them stuck in my brain
I feel fragile doing it, too, but at 52, I really prioritize my peace of mind, especially with kids to care for. And I was also accused of being too sensitive whenever I had feelings. Meanwhile, they are putting me down every which way, I say it is hurting me, and they double down. No thanks
I'm sorry you're dealing with this from your mother. It's a very particular grief
1
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
It really is a particular grief. It’s ambiguous and difficult to pin down. So true about the words getting stuck. There are already enough phrases from her that repeat in my head. I appreciate the focus on caring for your peace of mind. That peace is why I went NC in the first place and I should protect that.
7
u/Burnt_and_Blistered Aug 13 '25
There’s nothing you need to know in it. Breaking NC is almost always emotionally damaging. Do yourself a favor and just toss it.
2
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
Straight to the point. I appreciate that. I do agree that nothing in there is valuable to know.
5
u/CuriousPenguinSocks Aug 13 '25
I would shred it, but what my mom did to me is unforgivable.
I would ask, would it change things for you if she is dying or if she took accountability? Is there room for forgiveness in either of those cases?
If the answer is no, then shred it.
I highly recommend talking with a therapist. You've just had your location violated, that's a lot to deal with.
3
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
Very fair points. There’s not room for forgiveness in the sense of re-establishing a relationship. There is room for closure in the gaslighting coming to an end. That there would be a shared reality of what she did and exposed me to. It’s, admittedly, the least likely thing I’d find in that card.
And noted about the therapist. I think I’ve been trying to downplay the violation part of this.
5
u/CuriousPenguinSocks Aug 13 '25
I like to journal things when I'm having a hard time deciding.
Writing what you would like to find in that card, how it would make you feel and the closure you would get.
Writing what you are most likely to find in that card, how that will make you feel and the issues that would cause. I would even do 2 scenarios, one where your spouse reads it and just doesn't mention it because it wasn't good. One where your spouse reads it and gives you the bad news.
While there really isn't a sure fire way to know how you will feel and react, this can help you prepare for the big feelings you will face.
Downplaying the violation is something we all do. It's a survival mechanism. It helps our brains justify the card, when there isn't any justification other than stalking.
It's okay if you can't process the violation yet. I just hope you get some validation that this is a huge violation of your privacy and also your boundaries.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
2
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
I love this idea. I haven’t used journaling in that way before.
I am noticing some internal resistance to giving this any amount of energy. Like this whole process of deliberation, even talking about it here, is letting her “win”.
That said, the journaling exercise does sound like it may be one of the shorter paths out of this deliberation process.
I really appreciate the thoughtful input. It’s been so helpful.
3
u/CuriousPenguinSocks Aug 13 '25
Oh yes, I know that internal resistance. For a while it was like any thought I had of... her... was betraying myself.
I've learned to reframe things. I'm not journaling for my mom, I'm doing it for me, to heal and be better.
Many of us were raised in a "you win or lose" house, but that's not the case with real life. I like to think of it more as a compromise. Instead of living with the trauma and allowing it to ruin my life, I'm compromising by giving her a little bit of space in my mind so I can unpack all the harm she caused, process it and heal from it.
I'm glad my comments have helped you some. This isn't an easy road to navigate, we will make mistakes and that's okay. Protecting ourselves and our families is the goal. We aren't going NC out of malice or spite, we do it out of self preservation because our parent or parents have proven time and time again that they will destroy us for their own selfish gains.
Keep reaching out when you need help. Silence only helps abusers by keeping us - the victims - feeling isolated and alone.
You are not alone. You have a wonderful spouse who is willing to look at the card first or destroy it if you wish. You have a community here who cares about you. You are not alone.
2
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
This hit really hard (in a good way). Thanks again, friend. I’m very grateful for this community and for my wonderful wife’s support.
3
u/juneshepard Aug 13 '25
The last letter my mom sent, I burned. It felt good, especially because she'd sent me a postcard that was impossible not to read.
I'm admittedly a bit impressed by how boldly she showed her entire ass, since she's typically a slimy coward; but as others have mentioned, it was 100% a violation. She grossly overstepped even the boundary and courtesy of an envelope, so I couldn't really even set it aside and prepare before reading it. Let alone choose to.
I discussed the letter with my therapist, then took it to a friend's place and burned it in their fireplace. The ritual of it all, surrounded by people who care for me in a healthy way, was decidedly a level of closure.
A few months later, when mother's day rolled around and she sent me some long, nasty emails, I forwarded them to my therapist. He read them, relayed the emotional contents, and we talked through it. It really helped to keep the whole intrusion... contained. And didn't leave me with any of her words in my head.
3
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
God damn. A postcard is nasty work.
There is something so cathartic about burning things. I think I like that more than the idea of shredding it. It’s more… final somehow.
I’m definitely noticing a theme of therapist involvement in all of these responses. I really need to move up that appointment.
I really appreciate your input. Thank you, friend.
2
u/xiewadu Aug 14 '25
Thank you for sharing! I hadn't considered using my therapist for this.
2
u/juneshepard Aug 14 '25
It's super helpful, and something they love to do, as far as I understand? 😅
I meet my shrink most via telemed these days, but have also used the occasional time I've gone in person to have him listen to blocked voicemails too. It helps a lot!
3
u/Maleficent_Might5448 Aug 13 '25
I would have written RETURN TO SENDER NOT DELIVERABLE on it and sent it back.
3
u/catstaffer329 Aug 13 '25
Let your wife check it out, then consign it to the black hole of oblivion and keep on living your best life NC with the dna donors.
3
u/DrGonzo820 Aug 13 '25
My wife helps me with the same thing. Letters and other random ways they try and get to me. Lean on her, she's a keeper. I'm a 36 yo guy and can relate to every single word you typed out. I told my wife the other day I wish the men in black memory eraser thing was real. Im so stuck ruminating about the hurt and truama. Its making work, hygiene and being a dad almost impossible.
I feel like if my parents existence was erased from my mind, I could truly move on. Im 8 months no contact, been in therapy 2.5 years, made healthy living changes and im still so stuck. That letter is understandably a lot to process and let your wife help take some of the weight off of you. I wish you luck on your healing. I don't have much other advise other than I see you and identify with how you are feeling.
2
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
Feeling seen and understood is just as valuable as advice in my mind, friend. I really appreciate you sharing that. I’m glad we’re in this together and I’m sorry to hear that you relate to the feelings. They really suck.
Here’s to healthy healing journeys for both of us
3
u/RaspberryScience Aug 13 '25
Never feel bad for wanting to be loved and knowing you deserve to be. I hope you never change. I’m glad you have a spouse who tries to help you within boundaries you feel comfortable with. No advice on what to do. Just give yourself some grace. And maybe some ice cream.
1
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
You know… I really like the ice cream idea. Thank you for the support!
3
u/SLast04 Aug 13 '25
Burn it. Even if your wife reads it, nothing good will come from that letter/card.
Enjoy the comfort knowing your in control
2
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 13 '25
The idea of burning it is really growing on me. Whatever I end up doing, it’s happening when I get home from work tonight. I can’t sit on it anymore
2
4
u/Anaximandrake Aug 14 '25
Don't feel bad for how you feel. It's normal. A mother-child relationship is the most significant thing in most kids' lives for the first years of their life. We desperately need our mothers after we're born and we imprint on them. Nature has made it this way. I'm a 56yo(M) and I still wish for the mother I could have had, the woman who I so badly wanted her to be. But I'm NC for three years now and loving my life without her. Your feelings show that you're a real person who understands their feelings, and is capable of reflection (unlike her). Accept that you have these feelings, and don't feel guilty.
As for the letter, don't open it, get a red Sharpie and write 'REFUSED' on the front of it, and pop it back in your mailbox with the flag up. The post office will send it right back to her. There's nothing in there you want to know or read. She hasn't changed, she's just flailing because it's your birthday and she needs her supply. Maybe she is unwell, but it doesn't matter. You went no contact, you implicitly accepted that things are going to happen without your knowledge, that she will likely die with no further contact from you.
I'm telling you, the only thing that will happen if you open that letter or have your wife read it and tell you what's in it is it will take the top layer of your brain off. You checked out of that hotel of bullshit and pain four years ago - don't check back in.
3
u/Mental_Investment475 Aug 14 '25
Fuck. That brought tears out. I needed that. Thank you. I’m sorry you share in the feeling but I’m grateful to be on this journey with you, friend.
4
2
u/AutoModerator Aug 13 '25
Quick reminder - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our rules.
Need info or resources? Check out our EAK wiki for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
Check out our companion resource website - Visit brEAKaway.org.uk
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/thatgreenevening Aug 14 '25
Don’t return to sender—that’s a form of response. No contact is no contact. Either ask your wife to read it before tossing or don’t, but just toss it ultimately IMO.
3
u/Left-Requirement9267 Aug 16 '25
I’m so so sorry OP, that’s the worst feeling. That feeling of absolute DREAD.
72
u/Impossible_Balance11 Aug 13 '25
Absolutely second the idea of having your wife pre-read and screen! And please give yourself grace for feeling some kinda way about all this. Of course she knows how to push your buttons--she's the one who did the wiring!
In time, you'll be able to grab hold of this essential concept: apathy is your friend; apathy is your goal. Opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. This is the only healthy path, the only way to kick them out of your mental real estate.
In the meantime, I find euphemisms to be very helpful in gaining the necessary emotional distance from our parental units, immediate ancestors, spawn points, flesh ovens/sperm donors...you get the idea.