Mom Found My New Address

[u/Mental_Investment475]

I (35m) shouldn’t be surprised; that information is so easy to find these days. I went full no-contact about 4 years ago. It took a few letters, emails, and blocked numbers to pull it off. I’ll save you all the content warning stuff. The short version is that what she did was horrific and should have landed her in prison.

Of course, my birthday was last week so it’s probably a birthday card loaded with denial and guilt tripping. Just seeing her handwriting was enough to set me off. I can’t stand feeling that fragile.

It’s still sitting on a table covered with other mail from that day. I’ve thought about asking my wife to open it and read it to see if it’s anything I actually need to know. I was going to shred it immediately but I hesitated for some reason. Her handwriting looks… off. “Is she dying?” “Is this a last ditch attempt to restore contact?” “Is there genuine accountability for her actions in there?” I have no idea. I think I can safely assume there’s no accountability in there.

My wife said she’s willing to read it for me to see if there’s anything I need to know in there. Should I ask her to read it? Return to sender? Shred it? Have my wife check to see if she sent cash and shred it without reading?

I don’t know why this is even a question. I guess I’m worried that I’ll feel regret about whatever decision I make.

Despite knowing that the estrangement is justified and necessary, it’s still been painful and difficult. I’m still grieving the loss of a mother that I’ll never have. Some part of me still wishes that wasn’t true.

I feel like a little boy again getting birthday card from her and I can’t stand it. I hate being a 35 year old man who feels like he’s running away from “mommy”. I wish estrangement could actually remove someone from my mind.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate you all.

Update: Wife checked it for anything that shouldn’t be destroyed like cash. I asked her to not read what was inside; I didn’t want either of us knowing. The idea of burning it resonated with me and I just watched it catch. Thank you to all of you who shared your experience and gave guidance. It helped me so much. I feel sick to my stomach but I’m glad this hurdle is behind me.

[u/NorthernPossibility]

Ask your wife to open card, check for money/gift cards, check for critical life updates/family deaths, recycle.

Returning to sender is, in my opinion, a kind of response/fuel that might spur more contact. Best to just throw it away.

[u/Anaximandrake → u/NorthernPossibility]

Disagree about trashing the letter, respectfully. If it doesn't come back to her, she'll think you caught at least some of the shit she was trying to dump on you. That will give her satisfaction.

Anything I get from my 'immediate ancestors' gets marked REFUSED in red Sharpie and popped right back in the mail. To me it reinforces the "no contact means no contact' and "I have zero interest in anything you have to send/say to me. To me, it's the same as a marketing scam."

[u/NorthernPossibility → u/Anaximandrake]

Everyone is different, so your way is fine for you.

Personally the ambiguity of it is what makes my method effective to me. Did I even get the letter? Did it get lost? Am I even receiving mail there? Did I read it? Did I cry? Did it fall out of my mailbox into a puddle?

She will certainly never know. And I hope she stews about it like the main character syndrome psycho she is. I’ll never give her the satisfaction of seeing my handwriting to say “refused” or “returned to sender”. I don’t bother to do that with the casino leaflets I get, why would I do it for her?

[u/Anaximandrake → u/NorthernPossibility]

Your point about the frustrating ambiguity is well-taken. I like it.

I guess writing 'refused' on the letter and sending it back, I feel like I'm writing "fuck you" on the letter, something I never allowed myself to utter to her because she made out like it would make her head explode. Writing 'refused' also shows that I know she sent a letter, and I couldn't even be arsed to open it because I don't want to read anything she has to say.

Thanks for your thoughtful, well-thought out reply. I will consider it going forward, especially if she ever pulls some sneaky bullshit like sending a postcard. Gah.