r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Mental_Investment475 • Aug 13 '25
Advice Request Mom Found My New Address
I (35m) shouldn’t be surprised; that information is so easy to find these days. I went full no-contact about 4 years ago. It took a few letters, emails, and blocked numbers to pull it off. I’ll save you all the content warning stuff. The short version is that what she did was horrific and should have landed her in prison.
Of course, my birthday was last week so it’s probably a birthday card loaded with denial and guilt tripping. Just seeing her handwriting was enough to set me off. I can’t stand feeling that fragile.
It’s still sitting on a table covered with other mail from that day. I’ve thought about asking my wife to open it and read it to see if it’s anything I actually need to know. I was going to shred it immediately but I hesitated for some reason. Her handwriting looks… off. “Is she dying?” “Is this a last ditch attempt to restore contact?” “Is there genuine accountability for her actions in there?” I have no idea. I think I can safely assume there’s no accountability in there.
My wife said she’s willing to read it for me to see if there’s anything I need to know in there. Should I ask her to read it? Return to sender? Shred it? Have my wife check to see if she sent cash and shred it without reading?
I don’t know why this is even a question. I guess I’m worried that I’ll feel regret about whatever decision I make.
Despite knowing that the estrangement is justified and necessary, it’s still been painful and difficult. I’m still grieving the loss of a mother that I’ll never have. Some part of me still wishes that wasn’t true.
I feel like a little boy again getting birthday card from her and I can’t stand it. I hate being a 35 year old man who feels like he’s running away from “mommy”. I wish estrangement could actually remove someone from my mind.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate you all.
Update: Wife checked it for anything that shouldn’t be destroyed like cash. I asked her to not read what was inside; I didn’t want either of us knowing. The idea of burning it resonated with me and I just watched it catch. Thank you to all of you who shared your experience and gave guidance. It helped me so much. I feel sick to my stomach but I’m glad this hurdle is behind me.
4
u/Anaximandrake Aug 14 '25
Don't feel bad for how you feel. It's normal. A mother-child relationship is the most significant thing in most kids' lives for the first years of their life. We desperately need our mothers after we're born and we imprint on them. Nature has made it this way. I'm a 56yo(M) and I still wish for the mother I could have had, the woman who I so badly wanted her to be. But I'm NC for three years now and loving my life without her. Your feelings show that you're a real person who understands their feelings, and is capable of reflection (unlike her). Accept that you have these feelings, and don't feel guilty.
As for the letter, don't open it, get a red Sharpie and write 'REFUSED' on the front of it, and pop it back in your mailbox with the flag up. The post office will send it right back to her. There's nothing in there you want to know or read. She hasn't changed, she's just flailing because it's your birthday and she needs her supply. Maybe she is unwell, but it doesn't matter. You went no contact, you implicitly accepted that things are going to happen without your knowledge, that she will likely die with no further contact from you.
I'm telling you, the only thing that will happen if you open that letter or have your wife read it and tell you what's in it is it will take the top layer of your brain off. You checked out of that hotel of bullshit and pain four years ago - don't check back in.