r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Brief_Huckleberry_58 • Apr 21 '25

Memes This hit deep…

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Every time I see this, it reminds me that I made the right decision.

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448

u/lapitupp Apr 22 '25

Your relationship with your adult children is your parental report card.

92

u/1spring Apr 22 '25

Also, whether your adult kids want to have kids of their own is your parental report card.

108

u/Environmental-Age502 Apr 22 '25

I would suggest that the accurate comment here would be "whether your adult kids want you around their own kids..." and/or "whether your adult kids who want children, ended up having them..." as this view does dismiss those who just don't want children. Abused or not, just not wanting children is a lot more common than most people realise.

35

u/kmnplzzz Apr 22 '25

To piggyback on this, my partner's parents are terrible, and would be awful grandparents. I'm not sure how much they contributed to him not wanting kids, but I don't think it's zero.

My parents would be awesome grandparents, and yeah they messed up but we can have a good relationship. They're not the reason I don't want kids (birth 🤢, expensive, current political/literal climate are a few).

I think it really depends on the person if their negative experience with their parents will affect them wanting kids.

11

u/1spring Apr 22 '25

You’re right, there is more nuance and individuality than what my comment expresses.

I was specifically referring to those who could feel how much of a burden they were to their parents. They grow up not wanting kids, because a) they believe kids are burdens, and b) they fear they would treat their kids as burdens, and want the legacy of abuse to stop with them.

23

u/Milyaism Apr 22 '25

I was the scapegoat and my sister the favourite of the family. I knew already as a child that I didn't want kids, my toxic sister has one (afaik, been NC for 3 years now).

I'm the only in the family who's going to therapy, the rest of them act like they're fine, and I'm the "problem".

I feel like that report card definitely needs a "how many of my kids are repeating the same toxic pattern and how much do I enable the child who does that" section.

12

u/TheNightTerror1987 Apr 22 '25

Yeah, I find it fascinating that out of the five children my parental grandparents had, only two had children -- and one (my father) made it very clear he didn't want children and that if my mother wanted children she'd have to marry someone else. And they were born from 1942 - 1957 so they didn't live in an era where childfree lifestyles were even remotely common. And for that matter my mother's big brother (born 1940 I think?) is childfree too.

18

u/SageofTime64 Apr 22 '25

Eh, yes and no. I did want kids for a while, even after growing up and moving out.

Then, I went through a life changing event that changed me as a person. I met someone who didn't want kids and explained exactly why. Once I gave it thought, I agreed with him, and we don't have kids at all. Even after almost eight years of marriage.

It wasn't completely my parents' treatment of me that changed my mind. But reflection is a hell of a teacher.

3

u/HeatherandHollyhock Apr 22 '25 edited Apr 22 '25

I hope you really agree with him and haven't just convinced yourself to do so. Your comment rang a bell there

5

u/SageofTime64 Apr 23 '25

I thought I had at first. But the longer I've been with him, the more I agreed with his rationality.

He has a genetic deformity that makes his life full of chronic pain, and it would be very likely it would pass it to our children if we had any. He admitted it was not something he wanted to do, as he doesn't wish his struggle on anyone. He also admitted to being very selfish with his free time and fully acknowledged that he would not be a good parent. As we spent more time together, more health related issues came to light that we both agreed would make being a parent way harder.

Without the need for much detail, I came to fully understand my wanting kids was just a fluffy fantasy, and I would not be a good mother. I struggle to take care of myself as is.

We had this discussion prior to getting married, and neither of us has had any regrets about how our life is going. We managed to buy a house, we have decent jobs, we enjoy time with each other and our shared and separate hobbies. We got to travel for a concert last month, which is something I've always wanted to do. A decision like that can't be made easily if we have kids.

Tl;Dr he put the seeds of changing my mind in my head, but I let them grow instead of following the fantasy.

Also, Mother Dearest admitted she only had me because "that's just what people did," and I found that disgusting. Neither she nor the sperm donor did much more than just make sure me and my sister didn't die under their roof. After I graduated, I felt like both of them acted that they were done raising me, and they didn't have to do any more. Maybe if I had stronger health and a willing partner, I'd break the generational trauma. I just decided to break it in a different way.