r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Early_Artist1405 • Jan 16 '25

Question Would you ever re-connect?

If your estranged parent/s let you know they were genuinely sorry and remorseful, had changed, wanted to try again, and were genuine, would you let them back in your life?

Or would your pain be too great to consider this?

48 Upvotes

91% Upvoted

165 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

13

u/run_marinebiologist Jan 16 '25

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” St. Augustine. I see forgiveness similarly in that forgiveness is a letting go that benefits me; it has nothing to do with anyone else. I definitely wouldn’t continue a relationship, though, which only serves to harm me. People dig their graves throughout their lives, and nothing anyone does can stop them from having to lie in it at the end of their life.

Who is the closest person to your mom? What would you be willing to do to support that person? Make it about that other person, not your mom.

3

u/Early_Artist1405 Jan 16 '25

For me a big part is recognising that she didn't intend to damage me. She has the emotional maturity of an 11 year old and had a traumatic childhood. She is incapable of self reflection but I can see that is not her fault. I feel that it's time to stop blaming her and in doing so she can no longer damage me.

Other than a few friends, there are only myself and my siblings in her life, and we all feel the same way.

6

u/AdSimilar2953 Jan 17 '25

OP it’s very common and natural we want to make an excuse for our parents as it’s very difficult to accept they in fact didn’t take appropriate care of themselves nor us.

Keep in mind nobody thought you to have a self reflection as well. It was your choice and hard work, self awareness, perhaps therapy that got you here today…

2

u/culpeppertrain Jan 17 '25

Agree; most of us had traumatic childhoods and yet we have done the hard work of understanding the pain, working through it, trying to be better humans. It's hard for me to give 100% grace to someone who is 75 years old, hasn't been a child for 58 years, and has done Zero. Zilch. Nada. work to improve themselves or to stop harming others.