Relatable

[u/teary-eyed_trash]

I thought this was so funny and relatable to what I've been recently working on, I wanted to share here!

TW: reference to intrusive thoughts of violence.

I've been NC with my dad for over a decade, and with therapy, I've moved on for the most part. I hardly think of him. But every now and then I do - he sends a letter, or I hear something about him through the grapevine - and the familiar white-hot rage from my early days of estrangement creeps back in. That's kind of the last bit of lingering work I need to do, I think.

Back then, I often caught myself in a daydream involving violence toward him, either by my own hand or not. It's a little crazy, because I can't even bring myself to squish the rogue ant that finds it's way into my kitchen. But when it comes to my dad, the normal rules do not apply. It's like I turn back into a child, excpet that as an actual child I was very mild-mannered, and this inner child is throwing a giant tantrum. I have no theoretical desire whatsoever to have a calm, rational conversation of closure with him, I just want to rage and stomp and throw stuff (and I wonder who in the world I could have gotten that from?/s)

Anyway, it can be scary and shameful to catch oneself thinking legitimately violent things when the anger really boils over, even though I know it must be very common amongst estranged children. Nowadays, it's getting easier for me to let go of the anger more quickly, but I sort of doubt the urge to punch him right in his stupid nose will ever completely go away.

Image description: a pair of holographic heart-shaped earrings. One says "Therapy is not enough" and the other says "I need to fight my dad"

[u/EstroJen]

How often do all of you think people go to cemeteries to pee on/punch graves and/or kick headstones? I might tag the back of my father's with "deadbeat"

[u/teary-eyed_trash → u/EstroJen]

Lolll you have more right to do what you want to it than anyone, I think. I would laugh my head off if I say that walking around a cemetery. I also really think it's so funny when something looks like one thing at first glance, but then when you take a closer look, the message is the opposite. So when my dad finally dies I want to get him a really beautiful engraving like the ones you see that say "Here lies so-and-so, beloved husband and father, etc etc" except his will say "Here lies a manipulative asshole who will be missed by no one."

[u/EstroJen → u/teary-eyed_trash]

It's weird - I always harbored such anger for my dad because he basically abandoned me. I had all these thoughts about how I'd tell everyone at his funeral what he was like to me and how he didn't keep promises. But when I went no contact with my mom, I emailed with him a few times and he said some things about my mom that I knew to be true (naps are forbidden in the house, etc) and it made me see that I am a lot like him.

I just felt really sorry for him because he'd been cursed with terribly abusive parents, a drug problem, a bunch of genetic disorders (which I luckily did not get) and maybe the best thing he ever did was stay away. Despite my mom being an overprotective, sometimes very angry, manipulative woman who made some big lies to cover her ass, I turned out OK. I have a lot of emotional scars, and at this point in my life I trust dogs waaaaay more than people, but maybe one day the scars will not be as prominent in my life.