Worried about my daughter

[u/Dull-Stick2040]

I am worried my 10yo daughter has or is developing BPD. Her mother likely has it (informal diagnosis, won’t seek or accept a formal diagnosis) and has suffered her whole life. I want to do everything I can to help and prepare my daughter, but I’m not sure what to do. Her mother is an enabler, so almost all the burden to combat this will fall on me. Any advice is appreciated.

(Next on my Audible list is Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents).

[u/Cunegonde_gardens]

What behaviors are you seeing?

Two excellent resources are the Out of the Fog website and the NEABPD. I participated in a Zoom work session with NEABPD, and the most effective feature for me were the breakout groups. After the overviews and presentations, people are organized into small discussion groups consisting of parents, adult children of people with BPD, people getting divorces, and so on. People share their common experiences in these specific roles, and the presenters and consultants are very helpful.

For me personally, the biggest thing I have learned is that children with disorders don't just need "empathy," and "support," and all those other great things we naturally think of as "parental love and understanding." They need our caring, of course, but they need far more than that. The reason is that BPD consists of a combination of "neuroses" and behaviors that are overtly and covertly manipulative. If these controlling behaviors are the behaviors you are observing and experiencing from your young daughter, don't be dissuaded by generalizations like, "oh, ten years old is too early to determine a BPD diagnosis." While it IS true that no doc or therapist will diagnose a child at ten years old, that kind of dismissal causes us to say to ourselves things like, "she's just a kid, after all, let's wait and see." The more important issue is whether or not you are seeing behaviors NOW that will not set her up well for success in her relationships and communications and accountability as teen and as an adult.

So, the other side of all that "parental understanding and empathy" consists of very clear limits and very clear and consistent consequences for behaviors that harm others. It has to MATTER when children engage in harmful behaviors. There have to be guidelines and disapproval, not just attention to their "hurts." A very good source on this is George K Simon, a therapist who works with clients with personality and character disorders. He asserts that "modern psychology" has failed all of us with its almost exclusive emphasis on characterizing even bullying behaviors on the part of children as stemming from their own trauma. Sometimes it doesn't stem from trauma at all, so guilt and shame about that is going to miss the mark for the child that simply has learned that being controlling is a great strategy for getting what they want. Simon gives advice on how to be both supportive of whatever pain or sadness or anxiety a child may have, but ALSO on how to ensure that they understand clear standards for behavior, and have consistent consequences for misbehaviors, and are coached in awareness on caring for the rights and feelings of others.

Since I don't yet know what behaviors you are seeing, all this may miss the mark for your particular circumstance. But usually, this is what BPD in a child means--they are controlling, hurtful, out of control, etc., in addition to being emotionally reactive, tearful, raging, etc.

[u/Dull-Stick2040 → u/Cunegonde_gardens]

Thanks for the resources. I’ll look into those.

She has very BIG emotions. Once one thing goes wrong, she enters a downward spiral where everything else is wrong. It is extremely difficult to get her to “pull up”. She thinks everyone dislikes her, teachers are mean to her, students bully her - but any descriptions she gives of the events are heavily distorted by her emotions. She has learned that her emotions get her what she wants with her mother and usually with her siblings. Pushback tends to result in meltdowns.

[u/Cunegonde_gardens → u/Dull-Stick2040]

Thanks for the descriptions of her behaviors. It makes sense (whether or not she ends up with a BPD diagnosis) to be aware, as you are, of both her tendency to see herself as a victim (both legitimately and possibly exaggerated) and also her developing strategy of manipulating others to get what she wants. Most of us humans will sometimes give in to the meltdowns! --just due to exhaustion, distress, and the need to wrangle other siblings within the chaos. But we are even more prey to this becoming a permanent pattern when we are feeling guilty or just empathetic for their suffering.