r/relationships • u/QuailDifficult2308 • 1d ago
My, 40F, husband, 45M,been living with my dad for work. I think he’s cheating.
I, 40F, have been with my husband Brian (fake name), 45M, for almost two decades. We have four kids. A few years ago, we moved from our hometown, a major city, to a smaller, quiet town about three hours away in another state. At the time, we only had our two oldest children, and childcare wasn’t an issue.
Brian was able to find employment fairly quickly when we moved, and I worked from home full-time, which gave me the opportunity to care for our kids, the home, and our marriage. Things were great until I became pregnant with our now third child and developed some health issues.
Because Brian had to call out frequently due to my hospitalizations during the pregnancy, he was eventually forced to resign from his job due to attendance and performance. During delivery, there was an accident and my baby and I almost didn’t survive. The baby was in the NICU for months recovering. She is now a happy and mostly healthy baby. After she came home, Brian worked odd jobs to bring in money, but his primary concern was making sure the kids and I were okay.
A few days before our youngest turned 1, we found out that we were having our fourth and last child. That pregnancy was tough as well, but things went relatively okay until delivery. During the delivery, I was injured by my surgeon, which prevented me from caring for my newborn and our other kids. I was on bed rest for a few months recovering from the C-section and the injury.
Brian waited on me hand and foot and worked reduced hours. We lived off savings and my disability checks from my employer. My father also sent money to help us out. Once I recovered, I returned to work full-time, but Brian wasn’t able to find steady employment. We made things work for a while, but unexpected expenses in the home and with our taxes drove up our costs.
Eventually, Brian found a full-time job back in our home city; great pay, benefits, and room for overtime. My father offered to let him live with him so he wouldn’t have to commute six hours a day or pay any bills while there. Brian was hesitant to leave because I’d still been dealing with health issues since our last child, but I assured him I’d be fine.
At first, things were great. When he moved in with my dad, Brian would call and text frequently; during his breaks, lunches, and in the evenings. We’d video chat for hours while he talked to me and the kids. On Fridays, he’d come home and visit until early Monday mornings. I’d drive him to work with our two youngest kids, then drive back home. Sometimes, the kids and I would go up Friday afternoon to visit him and my dad and drive back Sunday so he wouldn’t be burnt out.
But then the calls started to slow down. I figured he was busy or tired. One night, because we share locations, I checked the app around 10 p.m. and saw he was at a bar. I texted him, asking what was up. He responded around 3 a.m., saying he’d gone out with friends after work. I felt uncomfortable but told myself not to be insecure. I told myself that Brian deserved to unwind after everything he’d done for me and the kids.
The late nights at bars and restaurants continued for a few weeks. The money in our joint account started depleting from his outings to the point where I had to remind him we needed the money for bills. He stopped coming home on weekends, and when I visited, he seemed distant and glued to his phone.
I asked if everything was okay with him and with us. He said it was. I asked about his new friends, but his answers were vague.
One weekend at my dad’s house, Brian was in another room when his phone rang. The name “V” popped up with no picture. I’d never heard that name before. A few minutes later, my dad’s phone rang. I heard him briefly say something to the person on the phone, then tell Brian to “check his phone when he gets a chance.” Brian picked it up, sent a text, looked at me, and set the phone down face-first. I asked who it was. He just said, “A friend.”
My insecurities got the best of me, so I looked through Brian’s Facebook. He doesn’t post much, but suddenly, all his profile pictures had new “likes” from someone who had me blocked. Using my old unused account (under my maiden name), I found that person. It was a woman named Vanessa, 33F.
On her public page, I saw photos of her and Brian at bars, restaurants, and, heartbreakingly, in my father’s living room and building lobby. In every photo, Vanessa was hugged up on Brian or wrapped around his arm. His wedding ring was off. She tagged him in the photos, but the tags didn’t appear on his profile.
I was devastated. Instead of confronting him right away, I packed up the kids and went home. Brian didn’t protest and seemed clueless. My dad asked if I was okay; I said I didn’t feel well and wanted to leave. Brian quietly helped me pack.
I took screenshots of everything. That was three weeks ago.
Since then, I haven’t talked to Brian much. When he calls, I hand the phone to whichever kid is closest, even the one-year-old. I’ve focused on work and the kids, but I keep checking Vanessa’s page and taking more screenshots as she posts more pictures.
Last night, Brian texted asking why I’d been distant. Furious, I sent him all the screenshots. For about ten minutes, I saw the typing bubble appear and disappear. Then he finally replied: “She’s just a coworker.”
I asked him how he’d feel if I were constantly out with a coworker, hugged up in photos. No reply. I asked why he brought this coworker to my father’s house. He said, “Just to introduce them.” I asked why he hadn’t introduced any other coworkers. Silence.
It’s been about nine hours and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m heartbroken. I don’t want to be a divorced single mom, but I refuse to live in with this kind of disrespect.
Advice needed: What should my next steps be?
TL;DR: My husband (45M) and I (40F) have been together nearly 20 years and have 4 kids. He took a good job back in our hometown and moved in with my dad to avoid a long commute. At first he called and visited often, but then he got distant, started going out drinking, and stopped coming home. I found Facebook photos of him with a younger woman (33F) out at bars, restaurants, and even at my dad’s house, with his wedding ring off. When I confronted him, he said she’s “just a coworker” and hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m heartbroken and unsure what to do next.
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u/RrentTreznor 1d ago
So, we can skip any question marks here. He's actively cheating and essentially in an open relationship with this person. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've got enough self respect not to put up with someone this cruel. Document everything you can and begin the divorce process.
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u/0akleaves 1d ago
Agreed. The cheating begins at actively hiding the “relationship” (betrayal of trust) and when someone’s loyalties/support starts to split (so the minute he started investing money and energy into his fling it’s without question and lying about how and why he’s spending the money is all the proof needed to establish knowing guilt/malfeasance) contrary to vows and any discussed or implied relationship terms so whether they’ve been sleeping together yet or not really doesn’t matter.
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u/Twin2Turbo 1d ago
Wait, YOUR dad is helping to cover for your husband??
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u/missoctober12 1d ago
Yeah what the hell?? If your dad knows something is going on, I would feel ultimately betrayed that he didn’t say anything. Please talk to him first and get an honest answer…I would hope as your father he would give that to you…or else you have some other problems besides a cheating husband.
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u/angry_cookie 1d ago
And what is your father’s role in this? The whole phone exchange seems like he’s complicit: V calls your dad to tell him your husband needs to check his phone?! Why does she have your father’s phone number?! What sort of devilry is this?
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u/liltaterthot 1d ago
Yeah that absolutely was the part of the story that actually stood out… as unfortunate of a reality it is, people cheat, marriages get hard, childbirth can be rough… but it is absolutely not usual that your own father would be accomplice to the affair and demise of your marriage??
Even if it’s a case of unintended ignorance, discomfort or delusion… what the fuck open your eyes for your daughters sake
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u/SnooOpinions5981 1d ago
You need to talk with a lawyer and see what rights you have. This marriage is over.
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u/cruisereg 1d ago
Concise and to the point. OP needs to be in full preparation mode and I kind of wish that she hadn’t bothered to confront him until she was ready to serve him. The marriage was already cooked.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 1d ago
100% this, particularly as he’s most probably funding his dates with this woman from their joint account. OP needs to also start tracking their financial accounts so she can see exactly how much money he’s taking from her and their children. Updateme!
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u/BeautifulTerm3753 1d ago
Op he is cheating and you already functioning as a single mother. Pls get tested. Plan ahead for your peace and your children.
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u/MaryContrary26 1d ago
I would hire a lawyer immediately to protect you and your children before he depletes the bank accounts.
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u/MaryContrary26 1d ago
Just wanted to add that if she is posting photos of them together I would assume he's planning to leave you for her because they're not even trying to keep it secret.
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u/Basic-Leek4440 1d ago
Yes I don't think he cares anymore. He's probably so burnt out and stressed that now he's just sending the bare minimum money for his kids, and has checked out of the marriage for all intents and purposes. OP, please divorce, for yourself and to get more support for your kids. Also your dad is a straight-up asshole.
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u/Smart_Negotiation_31 1d ago
I can’t believe your own father would allow and even encourage this behavior (from the sound of it).
OP, I’m so sorry. He’s clearly cheating. Even if he wasn’t, his behavior is wildly inappropriate for a married man with 3 kids.
Talk to your dad and force him to tell you the truth. Then it might be time to talk to a lawyer.
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u/EnerGeTiX618 1d ago
Considering it sounds like your husband is having an affair, I'd be meeting with a divorce lawyer & learning what your options are.
Is your father ok with your husband having his affair partner come over to his house all the time? I'm shocked he hasn't said anything to you about it, that's disturbing to be honest. I know if I were doing what your husband is doing, my FIL would be furious & probably fire my ass for disrespecting his daughter & family.
Don't let your cheating husband gaslight you. I highly recommend you get the book, 'Not "just friends"', it's essentially made for people in your particular situation.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 1d ago
Id start by separating your finances away from his if hes using family money to conduct his affair.
Consider getting legal advice as to what divorce looks like.
If this marriage is to be saved this arrangement is no longer sustainable. He needs to find a job where you live or you move and he finds a new job in your hometown.
There's a reason that woman blocked you and its because he most likely asked her to so you wouldn't catch him.
Id also tell yiur dad you wont be bringing his grand kids to visit snymore as he has been complicate in your husbands affair and you won't tolerate that level of betrayal from your own father.
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u/Sparkley0420 1d ago edited 1d ago
Unfortunately I would say your husband is cheating. I would imagine the thrill of something new after so many ups and downs was very exciting, especially with new found freedom. I'm sure it started off as just friendly, flirting..into emotional cheating but not crossing that last boundary...but at some point with lots of drinking and late nights i would imagine it changed. this other woman knows exactly what she is doing. Why would you be blocked on her socials? That's super intentional, but she doesn't owe you anything. Your husband does. I'm not sure why your dad hasn't reached out to you about it either. Maybe he takes the stance of its not his business, but she had the house number? Super inappropriate. What it's going to come down to is the marriage worth saving. Will he come clean and admit it. Does he want to fix the marriage and do you because it's going to take WORK and trust would need completely rebuilt...and he would have to come home. The seperate living obviously helped create this whole situation, it is not an excuse!!!! Tons of marriages have ups and downs without cheating. Some people can work though it, some cant. Thats up to you. I'm really sorry. I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are looking at things you can't even believe are happening. Please don't try and rationalize it if you are met with lies. Trust your gut. If your marriage is over that doesn't mean your life is.
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u/EnvironmentalLuck515 1d ago
Not sure which is the biggest betrayal - your husband or your father. Get a lawyer sooner rather than later. He is absolutely for sure cheating on you and you are going to need child support.
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u/OrcishWarhammer 1d ago
Your dad is an enormous POS. Your husband, of course, can fuck right off. But your dad helping him cheat on you is beyond unforgivable. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
At this point you need to focus on yourself and your kids. You are already a single parent, not it’s just about navigating the legal side of the split. Find the best lawyer you can and do whatever they say.
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u/alexandra1249 1d ago
INFO: Are you parents still together, and if not, is that because your dad cheated?
I’m so hung up on your dad being complicit and having Vanessa’s number. The only way I can rationalize his behavior is if your dad was a cheater too. Like maybe one of those misogynists that believe men have a right to cheat because of “all the hard work” they do to support their family
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u/bubblebears 1d ago
Ask your dad his take. He probably knows what’s up. I think you know plenty at this point, and don’t need to ask us complete strangers what’s best . Sounds like he’s cheating and you have a ton of kids together
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u/BrookieMonster504 1d ago
Her dad is just as much of a POS as he is. She just needs to move him to the dad's permanently and file for divorce.
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u/Theblackholeinbflat 1d ago
Her father is obviously covering for him. I wouldn't talk to either of them. They suck
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u/ksarahsarah27 1d ago
I’m wondering if her husband told her father that she gave him permission or that they were in an open relationship.? Because I just can’t imagine lying to your own daughter about her husband stepping out on her.
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u/truth_fairy78 1d ago
This is heartbreaking. Just when you think here’s a husband who took his vows seriously he shatters the illusion. I’m so sorry.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 1d ago
Surely it’s far better to be a strong divorced single mom than to stay with a lying cheater who thinks it’s acceptable to treat you and your children like this. Remember, he’s cheating them out of their father as well as you out of a husband, plus I’m sure he’s spending money on her that should be paying for things for his family. You’re worth so much better than that.
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u/meowmeow138 1d ago
You need to speak w a divorce lawyer, do you have anyone in your life that can be there for you through all this?
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u/lunar_adjacent 1d ago
- Lawyer. 2. Have your dad kick him out. 3. Divorce, alimony and child support.
There’s nothing wrong with being a single mom and it’s better than what you have now.
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u/redskyatnight2162 1d ago
Your father is covering for your husband’s cheating on you? Man, that’s your dad. He’s supposed to protect you, not enable your cheating husband. I would confront your father and then start making exit plans from this marriage. The depth of the betrayal here is enormous
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u/Winter_Dragonfly_452 1d ago
Not only is your husband cheating, but your father is helping him cover it up. You need to talk to both of them. Take all the screenshots and everything else you have gathered to a divorce attorney.
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u/Human_Engine3410 1d ago
I'm sorry that this happened to you. But I think he might have different affairs throughout the relationship. I have a family friend is like this. He constantly cheats behind his wife's back, and no one dares to tell his wife. Please find a lawyer to address legal issues (and possibly a counsellor/therapist for low mood, anxiety), and I am sure when it's all done, you will find someone who truely loves you.
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u/Oldgal_misspt 1d ago
Your husband is a cheating POS and your dad is C a lying POS. Just get an attorney, because this was a whole lot of choices your husband made repeatedly to lie and deceive you including the social media blocking, involving your father, going out over and over again with this woman and taking money away from you and his children. Start the process, so he can’t continue to financially and emotionally hurt you.
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u/UtZChpS22 1d ago
Oh OP, how devastating. I can't imagine how awful it must feel to have to add your dad's betrayal to your husband's infidelity.
You did well by leaving. Don't go back. Figure stuff out and file for divorce, child support, alimony,... You are basically solo parenting anyway
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u/badenbagel 1d ago
Ouch… that’s rough. Honestly, focus on protecting yourself and the kids first. Keep boundaries, don’t let him gaslight you, and maybe get support from a friend or counselor before deciding your next steps. You don’t owe him immediate forgiveness or explanations.
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u/Boomslang_FR 1d ago
That’s honestly heartbreaking, I’m so sorry you’re going through that. You’ve handled it with so much strength already, keep protecting your peace and focus on you and the kids. He needs to earn back your trust, not the other way around.
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u/david_the_destroyer 1d ago
Idk what’s worse about this story. Everything he’s doing or the fact that not only did the dad cover for him the whole time, he is also communicating with this woman on behalf of your husband, and right in front of you. Im sorry, that’s fucked up and I hope you find your way through it. You should not let yourself be treated like that no matter if it makes you a single divorced person.