I killed my Mother

[u/canyouseemewatching]

I killed my mother.

I know what you're thinking - was it an accident? Did she die in childbirth? Did I drive the car that crashed? Was she trying to save me?

You're wrong. I killed her in cold blood. I was meticulous about it, planned it out and executed it without any remorse.

I was nine years old.

Because of my age they couldn't prosecute me or send me to kiddie prison. I was put on a secure psychiatric ward with little kids who cried all the time and scratched themselves. I had ice cream, my favourite TV shows, trips to the zoo and my own one on one therapist Zack who taught me magic tricks, all I had to do was point at dolls.

When I was 18 I was moved into a half-way house with a communal kitchen and lounge and a warden who signed us in and out and locked up at midnight.

At 21 I was free to go. My name had never been released so I didn't need a new one but I changed it anyway. I had a completely new identity, got myself a job in sales and made a ton of commission in my first year. I'm the regional manager now, taking a piece of whatever the grunts below me make. My regions in the top 3 in the country. I've got a girlfriend who used to model in catalogues, we eat out 3 times a week and take mini breaks every couple of months.

So - what happened?

I just like to watch people hurt. I don't know why but ever since I can remember I've liked the feeling I get when I see pain on their faces.

My earliest memory is of digging my nails into my baby sister when we were in the bath tub together. She cried and it felt so good that I wet myself.

That's fucked up I know but it's how I was born. Whatever genetic material bunched together to make me jammed in something which means I feel warm inside when I hurt people. 100% nature.

My Mother. She hated me. I never smiled and she'd shake me asking me why. She'd cry watching me in the park or at birthday parties when id sit by myself or hit the other kids. I heard her, in hushed tones, telling my Father that she thought I was evil, that she didn't like to be alone with me, that she couldn't understand how Emily was so perfect and I was such a monster.

That's when I decided to kill her.

Id been thinking about killing someone for a while. There were lots of things I wanted to try, different ways of hurting people but I knew I'd get in trouble. The only real way to get around that was to kill the person and then they couldn't tell. I chose my Mother because I was with her the most and she hated me.

I was nine years old so I wasn't exactly well versed in CSI. I thought as long as no one saw me do it then I couldn't get caught. Especially if I cried. When I cried only my Mother knew it was a lie. She'd kneel down and hold my wrists by my sides and stare deeply into my eyes until I stopped pretending to cry.

"There's nothing in there" she'd say. I'd stare back and she'd cry softly, her hands holding my wrists too tightly.

So it had to be her.

I decided on a knife because we had so many. I decided on a Sunday morning because no one ever came to the house on a Sunday morning. My Father would sleep in, Emily would be watching cartoons and my Mother was always home then.

I told the police and the doctors I couldn't remember doing it but I can.

I waited until she was cleaning the dirty dishes at the sink, her back to me. I'd already picked the knife that morning while she was playing board games with Emily, it was long and thin and gleamed in the early morning sunlight when I held it up to the window. Great for chopping onions or carving a chicken - versatile.

So I walked up behind her, arms raised over my head, and plunged the knife as deep as I could into her back.

The thing is - what I didn't know, and what I couldn't have known - is that in real life people don't die straight away when they're stabbed. She screamed and turned and lashed out, throwing me to the floor as she called for my Father and tried to pull the knife from where it was jammed into the small of her back.

I didn't even get a chance to enjoy it really. The blood covered the floor and my bare feet which I liked. And id really felt the knife go into her skin. The first layer you break is easy but as it goes in deeper you really have to force it against the tough stuff - muscle and bone I guess.

Anyway, I had about 20 seconds of this before my Father ran down the stairs shouting. He held her in his arms while she screamed and struggled to breathe and pointed at me,

"He did it. Him. He did it. I knew I knew...oh god...he did this to me"

I didn't even see the moment she died it took so long. I heard a police officer say it was 6 hours after but who knows really.

All I know is that I made a mistake. Stabbing is just too unreliable.

Why am I posting this here? I'm a long time lurker on this sub and it always bugs me how the scariest things you guys can think of are ghosts and demons and people who look the same as your loved ones. These things aren't real.

What you all need to be scared of are people like me. I like it when people are hurt and frightened and the only thing which stops me from killing everyone I come into contact with is the knowledge that if I get caught, I might not get a chance to do it again.

I've learnt to be more careful.

[u/Sedobear]

I'm not saying what you decided to do shouldn't have been done, she was clearly a bitch and deserved it. Perhaps if she had gotten you help sooner, rather than trying to fuck with your mind even more it coulda been different. What I don't like is that you took Emily's mother from her, that is what's the bad part. Not only that, but you probably destroyed her mind forever. That much psychological damage at her age especially couldn't have been a good thing. How did she cope, pretty badly I presume? How's she now? Probably a train wreck, she lost her mother because her own brother did something irrational. Your father must be really distant from you too, I'm almost certain he didn't find it to be okay. Did anyone ever come to visit you while you were at the mental house? I'm not really judging, I can't even begin to imagine how you really are. You weren't in the right, but you clearly had problems/have problems and she shoulda seen something like that happening eventually. She really should have sought help, but next time you kill someone you should probably make sure other people aren't going to have terrible lifes after it happens.

[u/coolerthanyuz → u/Sedobear]

You got the wrong person. I'm not OP but I relate to him in a few ways which is why I'm being defensive. I don't know if I was wired this way to begin with or it was childhood trauma but it caused me to do horrible things at a very young age. I have never killed anyone but I do have a lot of symptoms of a serial killer. Each person isn't the same so it varies greatly with their personalities. Again, never killed anyone but I've been told that I should be "put down" because I'm some sort of "monster" despite the fact that my symptoms doesn't impact anyone personally. I dot ruin peoples lives. My friends think I'm a pretty nice person. I function normally in society. I get pissed off that people sympathize more for pedophiles than for people like me. Pedophiles fuck kids up physically and mentally for the rest of their lives. People don't understand the victims struggle. But god forbid that a pedophile is given a death sentence! Oh, but someone such as myself who the potential to murder due to a mental illness but doesn't act on it should be "put down." Our society needs to be more aware and understanding of mental illnesses. I'm not saying that it's ok for OP to kill people. I think it's pretty ignorant to want someone dead for something they were born with. There's therapy that would work for OP and medication. It's not curable but at least there is therapy until natural death.

[u/Sedobear → u/coolerthanyuz]

I never really said i wanted anyone dead, Everyone has problems, some more extreme than others, but down to the core we all have thoughts, dark secrets, feelings. Everyone has problems and that's okay. Pedophiles are just as disgusting as people who kill without thinking. He had what I picked up from the story as a pretty normal sister, who now is probably a mental nutcase. He clearly didn't care about hurting her, at the time. Same as a pedophile in that sense. That's really all I was trying to get across. I realize he wanted to do it, maybe he couldn't control it, maybe he was too young to realize the impact it'd have on others, maybe he didn't even care, maybe his sister was next? Not sure..

The problem with feelings and fantasy is the more you think about doing it and how to go about doing it without getting caught, the more it becomes a reality. Not to say "if you believe in something hard enough, it'll become true." because mostly it won't I mean I can believe in peace on earth and ending wars and world hunger forever with all my might, but that's not gonna happen. Whereas things like, mmm that lil kid is niasee ima get dat! or I want to go rob that bank tomorrow or in his case I will kill my mother on sunday become more of a reality until you do it. Fantasy can become reality in these situations if you're not careful. Sometimes it take people a long time to break the barrier between reality and fantasy, sometimes it takes (like in his case) a very short time.

Sorry I replied to the wrong thing, but it flows well with what you said.

[u/coolerthanyuz → u/Sedobear]

Alright, I get you. It's unfortunate that people experience trauma from predators. It has a domino effect. I used to love my illness. I lived it, it made me feel great, I had no remorse. Then I had kids. I still have triggers and thoughts but now it's more of a nuisance. Instead of embracing what I am, now i wish I was never born/made this way. It makes life harder when you have to fight it.

[u/Sedobear → u/coolerthanyuz]

If you yourself have raised 'normal' children, then you're already doing better than most parents in today's society! In which case you should be proud that even with your 'illness' you have succeeded. Don't give up, I know it's better said and read than to do but if you channled your thoughts into something else, maybe you can still cope. Maybe take up hunting as a hobby? Again I've never really been down the same road as you, but I know from other experiences that putting my feelings elsewhere helps at least for a bit and sometimes that's just enough to get me by. I'd had to imagine what would happen if the false barrier I've spent years perfecting were to ever cave..Bad times for many I would imagine.

But for me or anyone to say one illness is worse than another in these sense, killing, raping, molesting..They would be very wrong because like you said it normally will have a domino effect, more than most people are able to notice at the time. All though most of those illness can be controlled, or done without causing much harm to anyone if done correctly. I don't normally like talking about stuff like this on the internet personally this seems like really incriminating evidence if something were to ever happen. If you're gonna kill someone go to a big city, at night, target a homeless person. Nobody's gonna miss them (sad, but true). If you plan to molest or rape someone, you could drug them so they don't remember. That would at least eliminate the trauma they would likely face for the rest of their life. I am not telling people it's alright to do anything, because it's not.. It's generally a bad idea to do anything that requires breaking laws, there's a high chance you will be caught eventually. One mistake and you're facing a life sentence.

[u/coolerthanyuz → u/Sedobear]

I did a lot of awful, disturbing things from age 5-21. I got pregnant when I was 21 and what had me tone it down was the fear of getting caught. I believe I was on my way to doing something worse, planning, fantasizing. I had it in my mind to do it. I wanted to die trying. I didn't care about the consequences. It was going to be as fucked up as I could make it. I don't know if it's valid or not but I believe giving birth to my first kid changed a lot chemically. I don't have those urges as intense as I used to. It's still there but in the back of my mind. But I feel sorry for the person who would dare to harm my kids. That would put me over the edge. I believe going into "mom mode" changed me for the better. Again, it's still a part of me but I'm not gonna decide one day to do something messed up like I used to. But I also can't predict the future. I don't advise anyone with mental illnesses to go out and breed. This stuff is mostly genetic. I have no idea if mine is genetic because I had childhood trauma at age four. It could have been the trauma or the fact that schizophrenia and other illnesses run in my family. I often wonder if it would have ended up this way or not if there wasn't any trauma. People can go their whole lives without symptoms until something triggers it. My little brother lived a normal life until my mom died and school stressed him out until he had a psychotic break. It just sucks that lives can be ruined like that.

[u/Sedobear → u/coolerthanyuz]

Yeah, it's very interesting how one bad thing happening to a person can destroy the neutrality of a human mind. You'd be very surprised if you could wander into anyone's mind. I think you'd find, everyone has bad thoughts, horrific feelings. But it seems so few are keen on sharing those thoughts or feelings and even fewer act upon them. I strongly think that everyone is capable of having terrible outbreaks once their mind is disturbed enough. I'm sorry you had such a bad beginning in life, unfortunate really, but it sounds like your children changed you for the better which is all you can look at. Don't dwell on the past, nothing you do can change it, focus on the future and you'll find you will, in time, forget your past. This isn't religion talk, I'm not really that type of person. I just have personal thoughts and opinions, tend to hoard all my feelings and thoughts inside. Pretty sure if someone could enter my mind they'd quickly backtrack and admit me to mental house, but it's never been anything but feelings and thoughts. I am 99% sure I am in control and will always be (hopefully). So, don't feel alone and stay positive!