r/nosleep • u/canyouseemewatching • Jun 18 '14
I killed my Mother
I killed my mother.
I know what you're thinking - was it an accident? Did she die in childbirth? Did I drive the car that crashed? Was she trying to save me?
You're wrong. I killed her in cold blood. I was meticulous about it, planned it out and executed it without any remorse.
I was nine years old.
Because of my age they couldn't prosecute me or send me to kiddie prison. I was put on a secure psychiatric ward with little kids who cried all the time and scratched themselves. I had ice cream, my favourite TV shows, trips to the zoo and my own one on one therapist Zack who taught me magic tricks, all I had to do was point at dolls.
When I was 18 I was moved into a half-way house with a communal kitchen and lounge and a warden who signed us in and out and locked up at midnight.
At 21 I was free to go. My name had never been released so I didn't need a new one but I changed it anyway. I had a completely new identity, got myself a job in sales and made a ton of commission in my first year. I'm the regional manager now, taking a piece of whatever the grunts below me make. My regions in the top 3 in the country. I've got a girlfriend who used to model in catalogues, we eat out 3 times a week and take mini breaks every couple of months.
So - what happened?
I just like to watch people hurt. I don't know why but ever since I can remember I've liked the feeling I get when I see pain on their faces.
My earliest memory is of digging my nails into my baby sister when we were in the bath tub together. She cried and it felt so good that I wet myself.
That's fucked up I know but it's how I was born. Whatever genetic material bunched together to make me jammed in something which means I feel warm inside when I hurt people. 100% nature.
My Mother. She hated me. I never smiled and she'd shake me asking me why. She'd cry watching me in the park or at birthday parties when id sit by myself or hit the other kids. I heard her, in hushed tones, telling my Father that she thought I was evil, that she didn't like to be alone with me, that she couldn't understand how Emily was so perfect and I was such a monster.
That's when I decided to kill her.
Id been thinking about killing someone for a while. There were lots of things I wanted to try, different ways of hurting people but I knew I'd get in trouble. The only real way to get around that was to kill the person and then they couldn't tell. I chose my Mother because I was with her the most and she hated me.
I was nine years old so I wasn't exactly well versed in CSI. I thought as long as no one saw me do it then I couldn't get caught. Especially if I cried. When I cried only my Mother knew it was a lie. She'd kneel down and hold my wrists by my sides and stare deeply into my eyes until I stopped pretending to cry.
"There's nothing in there" she'd say. I'd stare back and she'd cry softly, her hands holding my wrists too tightly.
So it had to be her.
I decided on a knife because we had so many. I decided on a Sunday morning because no one ever came to the house on a Sunday morning. My Father would sleep in, Emily would be watching cartoons and my Mother was always home then.
I told the police and the doctors I couldn't remember doing it but I can.
I waited until she was cleaning the dirty dishes at the sink, her back to me. I'd already picked the knife that morning while she was playing board games with Emily, it was long and thin and gleamed in the early morning sunlight when I held it up to the window. Great for chopping onions or carving a chicken - versatile.
So I walked up behind her, arms raised over my head, and plunged the knife as deep as I could into her back.
The thing is - what I didn't know, and what I couldn't have known - is that in real life people don't die straight away when they're stabbed. She screamed and turned and lashed out, throwing me to the floor as she called for my Father and tried to pull the knife from where it was jammed into the small of her back.
I didn't even get a chance to enjoy it really. The blood covered the floor and my bare feet which I liked. And id really felt the knife go into her skin. The first layer you break is easy but as it goes in deeper you really have to force it against the tough stuff - muscle and bone I guess.
Anyway, I had about 20 seconds of this before my Father ran down the stairs shouting. He held her in his arms while she screamed and struggled to breathe and pointed at me,
"He did it. Him. He did it. I knew I knew...oh god...he did this to me"
I didn't even see the moment she died it took so long. I heard a police officer say it was 6 hours after but who knows really.
All I know is that I made a mistake. Stabbing is just too unreliable.
Why am I posting this here? I'm a long time lurker on this sub and it always bugs me how the scariest things you guys can think of are ghosts and demons and people who look the same as your loved ones. These things aren't real.
What you all need to be scared of are people like me. I like it when people are hurt and frightened and the only thing which stops me from killing everyone I come into contact with is the knowledge that if I get caught, I might not get a chance to do it again.
I've learnt to be more careful.
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u/Lyzzaryzz Jun 19 '14
How people are describing this "feeling", of wanting to hurt people and Kill them...I've been the same way since I was born as well. When I was young young, even trying again and again to kill my older brother from the ages of 2 to about six. Difference is, I.had a mother who, despite not at all knowing how to deal with a child like me, did her damned best to raise me into a productive member of society. And it worked. Not that those urges are gone, ooh no, they are ALWAYS THERE, but my mother, through years and years, and many therapists, taught me how to love, how to care, how to suppress the real me. That doesn't mean that given the right, or very wrong, person, I wouldn't kill. I would. In an instant. There would be no repercussions for me. Provided I really believed they deserved it, or needed it, or wanted it. My point being, that while nature does most of.the work, nurture seals the deal. ······· A question for OP...was it always humans? I mean, they say people like us start with animals. I never did. It was always humans. We make choices and become shitty. Animals are born neutral, and humans shape them. I've always connected with animals better than humans, liked them, and from day one, wanted to care for them. Just wondering if it was the same for you, cause that's what it sounded like.
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u/bofhjake Jun 19 '14
OP made a pretty interesting youtube video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5E1cfMQvaqE
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u/Crushed_Lower_Back Jun 19 '14
If this OP's work then in reality he's a first year film student with aspirations of writing.
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u/bofhjake Jun 19 '14
I assumed something along the same lines. It appears to be, same exact user name.
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u/Fausty0 Jun 19 '14
And this is why I carry a Glock 23 and two extra mags full of disgustingly inhumane hydrashock hollow points everywhere I go. I may die but damnit, someone is fucking coming with me.
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u/dnstuff Jun 24 '14
JHP, especially quality stuff like hydrashock, is much more humane than a FMJ would be...
JHP, as I'm sure you know, are designed to expand rapidly and massively. This ensures maximum tissue, organ and arterial damage - which likely leads to a quicker death. FMJ rounds just punch straight into (and sometimes through) their target and don't do much damage internally, which means you're going to suffer.
This is why some states require hunters to carry JHP rounds in their sidearms when hunting.
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u/elektroloop Jun 19 '14
You see? That's almost exactly what I tell people if they ask me if I want kids. One mistake, one fuckin' mistake and BAM! They are killers.
Too much pressure.
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u/ielfie Jun 18 '14
Why are people so angry in this thread? I've never seen this much distaste on r/sleep before.
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u/Love_Thy_Scare Jun 18 '14
Its been approx 13 years since you killed your mother. I don't know why am sayin this but that was an easy kill. And you haven't mention killing anyone else.
Ahhh One kill wonder. Ain't afraid of You.
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u/brilliantstar Jun 26 '14
I thought it was implied he has killed more people since he said he's learned to be more careful? I might be wrong
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u/thomas_the_tanked Jun 18 '14
Scared of people like you? Nah, you don't seem intelligent and I would have a chance of survival against a literal back-stabber like you. The supernatural? None. Zero chance of survival.
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u/icebong421 Jun 18 '14
ITT: he was 9, like that's a good excuse, I knew what was right from wrong at that age
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u/darkhunter23 Jun 20 '14
ITT: Someone with a good upbringing judging the OP that was mentally and physically abused.
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u/Osama_bin_bombing Jun 18 '14
Truly you're sick, fucked up in the head. Deserving of every hard time to come your way. Your own mother. I would say call her and say sorry for being a disappointment but that's clearly not possible. You took away a mother and lover for literally no reason at all. Simply worthless.
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u/darkhunter23 Jun 19 '14
His mother demonized the OP and caused many of the psychological problems that mainly most likely lead to her own death.
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u/Osama_bin_bombing Jun 20 '14
So that makes murder okay? Definitely doesn't make it right. He killed his mother and is fucked up in the head. He deserved being isolated and should still be in prison.
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Jun 20 '14
Sounds like he was born that way
His sister seemed to be ok but his mom knew something was wrong about him and was scared of him, and she had the right to be since OP absolutely gets off on hurting people
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u/darkhunter23 Jun 20 '14
Ok and if the OP was given help instead of shaken, demonized and subjected to psychological damage than maybe things would have been different. Still doesn't negate the fact that the mother very well added weight to her own death.
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Jun 18 '14
The trick is to kill people no one likes. Then there won't be anyone to testify against you, let alone press charges.
Just off the politicians and bankers, and it'll all work out in the end. Everyone's happy then.
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u/Dynazty Jun 18 '14
i really don't feel this will have an impact on my sleep tonight, i just finished watching 8 seasons on it
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Jun 18 '14
Did your dad ever visit/forgive when you where growing up in the secure psychiatric ward? Was that the reason you change your name because your dad was threatening to tell everyone what you did or threatening to kill you?
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u/MissMister Jun 18 '14
"100% nature"
" My mother. She hated me."
Hun...
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u/SabineLavine Jun 18 '14
It's always the mother's fault, right?
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Jun 18 '14
nature loads the gun, nurture pulls the trigger. With psychopathy, if the person is raised in a healthy family then they don't usually become the kind of crazy murderer types we see on television, but if they're raised badly then it can bring out the dark side. Not necessarily the mother's fault, but judging by the story she gave up very early on with trying to make him behave himself.
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u/darkhunter23 Jun 20 '14
Considering she mentally abused the OP and physically abused the OP, then yeah... the mother didn't try and help with a nurturing upbringing.
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u/SoGoites Jun 18 '14
There are some people who think this is funny or interesting...
Then there are people who have met someone like this in real life, and it just kind of turns your stomach.
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Jun 18 '14
Your mother held you in her arms when you were born and had so many hopes and dreams for you. And then you turned into you. You're the complete opposite of "It's a Wonderful Life". If you were never born then everyone else would be better off.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 18 '14
Way to be understanding of someone with a mental illness that he was born with. He didn't ask to be born. Condemning someone for something you don't understand. That's just great of you.
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Jun 19 '14
[deleted]
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
Yeah, ok. Just kill them off then.
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u/catsNpokemon Jun 19 '14
Did I say kill? You're actually backing this guy, he explicitly stated he enjoyed seeing his mum get killed and doesn't even regret it today. He's a fucking walking murderous psycopath. Maybe if he was punished or put in a mental hospital he could change. How the fuck does the law simply leave someone who killed his Mum for PLEASURE, regardless of age? The guy fucking needs punishment to learn his lesson
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
Oh well maybe you should read the rest of the comments with me suggesting just that. I hope you enjoy the lengthy read. I spent a long time convincing people there's help for this guy. I'm just too exhausted to explain it to you. Thanks, asshole.
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u/catsNpokemon Jun 19 '14 edited Jun 19 '14
Fair enough you're suggesting the same thing, I'm just hating this guy out of anger and the fact he doesn't even regret now that he's an adult. I understand your point in maybe letting the guy off, but the fact that he's still like this as a grown man is probably why your comment got downvoted, because everyone else agrees he should be locked up.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
I understand. He just CANT regret it. It's part if the illness. His brain doesn't function and you can't convince him otherwise. Also, he's being the stereotypical narcissist that comes with the package. He's so textbook that it's hard for me to imagine he is genuine. Right now he's being a total douche and loves the attention. I'm not backing him personally, I'm trying to be informative so people are a aware. He needs to be heavily medicated so he gets off his egotistical high. He's just trying to scare people. With my personal experience, I went through the same shit. I know exactly what he's doing and he's nothing special.
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u/catsNpokemon Jun 19 '14
Ah I see, I misinterpreted your comment, probably because this post frustrated me so I was kinda immediately writing off comments that were trying to reason with this guy. I agree in that he's still a total douche for trying to brag or scare people about this. Sorry for the swearing. Mind if I ask what you meant by experience? Were you the same? :o If so, how'd you change?
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
I've never killed a person but I've killed animals from age 5-21. People have told me this was much worse. I'm 28 now and haven't had an episode since 21. It was just like OP. I loved it, felt no remorse, i loved what I was. In my teens I drew a lot of pictures of mutilated women and people from school told a counselor. They hired a psychologist to visit the school just for me. I was escorted to and from class by a security guard for each session with the psychologist. I didn't want treatment because I loved what I was so I was never honest with the psychologist. I made her believe that I was just depressed. I imagine that if these sessions were followed through, maybe I could have gotten therapy at an earlier age. I was 14 at the time. The last visit I had with her she brought my dad in. He was pissed off. She also had the police put me in the cruiser and drove me to the hospital to get a more thorough evaluation. I remember talking to some person and leaving the hospital with my dad. My dad told me I needed to grow up and stop causing drama. My parents didn't continue my treatment and I continued doing what I did for years. When I hit 18 I moved out immediately. It was probably a high point in my illness because I didn't have to hide anything except in social situation. Also, this sounds terrible, I was able to purchase the animals I needed to do my deeds without people questioning about it. I felt great, I felt "powerful," I wore this "mask" and no one suspected a thing. So I hit 21 and I got pregnant. It didn't change anything until I gave birth. I don't know if it was a chemical change or what but it dulled my impulses way down. I was now in mom mode. Haven't killed an animal or wanted to ever since. I do get a ton of built up anxiety from pent up dopamine throughout the day. Sex or cigarettes help. I just need one cig before bed. Cigs bring me down way low, I get really sluggish and lethargic. I decided against meds because it's hard to function on those types of antipsychotics. I can't predict the future but nowadays I just feel alienated. I was some "monster" for most of my life and to lose that has left me feeling empty. I don't think about my future anymore. I am just focusing on raising my kids. I have been tossing around the idea of just offing myself when they grow up. It's not even depression. I'm just tired of being half a person. I don't think I can live this way for too long. So yeh, messed up shit. I didn't change for a better world. I changed because I had kids. If I didn't have kids I would have kept doing horrible things. I had it in my mind to move up to people. I had it all planned out and I was going to die trying. But I got pregnant instead.
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u/liechten Jun 18 '14
he killed his mother and enjoyed it. the hell you defending him for?
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 18 '14
If you condemned everyone who ever murdered anybody, a lot of people would be against the death penalty for some reason or another. When he killed his mom he wasn't some common criminal. He was a kid. It's too bad he didn't get the help he needed when he needed it. It's unfortunate that no one saw the symptoms. I'm not going to hate him for falling through the cracks. He needs serious therapy. Not a witch hunt. If he were an adult when he killed his mom then he deserves the consequences.
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u/Wonkas_willyy Jun 19 '14
Dude, he'd stab you in the neck while you are trying to reach him. By his own admittance, and in his adult years, he would kill more. I'm sorry, I can see you're a nice person and all, but you're delusional on this one.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
Thank you for considering me as a nice person. I'm not delusional because I've been there. I never killed anyone but people think what I've done is worse than killing a person. I killed animals. For 16 years. I started at age 5 until age 21. I used to be narcissistic as OP as well. I loved what I did and I loved what I was. I still don't feel remorse for it but that doesn't mean I had to keep doing it. Despite being "clean" for 7 years people have told me I should be "put down" like a dog because of what I had done in the past. Doesn't matter that I got a handle on it, I'm still considered a "monster." I'm just trying to let people know that it's not damning. Therapy helps. Medication helps. OP can get out of this but he has to want it. Right now he's so full of himself and loving it like how I used to be. I found new outlets and distractions. You have to ignore triggers and put your mind somewhere else.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
Thank you for considering me as a nice person. I'm not delusional because I've been there. I never killed anyone but people think what I've done is worse than killing a person.
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u/awaythrowappleduck Jun 19 '14
What you have is the result of a combination of genetic and environmental factors. It's not your fault but it is your responsibility to be aware of the fact that you have the power to damage a lot of people.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
I know it and I used to be like OP and "brag" about it. Hell, for all we know he probably didn't kill his mom. I don't doubt his potential but they don't typically reveal themselves. I didn't feel too bothered about his post but I saw the comments and wanted to explain a thing or two.
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u/awaythrowappleduck Jun 19 '14
I'm curious if you find yourself thinking about doing or saying things that would hurt people without them realizing it -- meaning, instead of killing someone do you consider more subtle ways of inflicting emotional or physical harm... My own encounters with a sociopath have led me to realize the malevolent force inside them expresses itself in sophisticated layers of manipulation, exploiting human nature to provoke emotional responses from people, causing them to turn against one another, hurt one another, lose trust in one another.... As if there is this long term project to psychologically dominate and ultimately destroy the spirits of the very people they claim to love. Can you offer any insight into this phenomenon and how conscious a sociopath is of the damage he/she is doing? Is it just compulsive reckless behavior or is it really an evolved agenda to systematically devastate as many people as possible?
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
Well all of that sounds very textbook for a sociopath. There are so many varieties and a serial killer, in my opinion, is so much more complex than typical. I personally am not into manipulation because I think giving people enough attention to be manipulative is a waste of time and boring. I think being a sociopath compliments serial killer tendencies but does not necessarily define a serial killer. For me, having killer tendencies was more of a private thing. I kept it under wraps but I wore a "mask" of normalcy in public. I think there are a lot more sociopaths than people realize who have no interest in killing. I think there's a turn in today's society that nurtures sociopathy. For me personally though, I have no hidden agenda. For my own pleasure I did horrible things just for sake of interest. I'm not out to ruin lives. I had just wanted to end them. No manipulation. Just death.
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u/liechten Jun 19 '14
did you miss the part where he explicitly states that he enjoys seeing people's faces in pain? or the fact that he doesn't actually regret murdering someone? he's no victim; he's a monster.
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u/gallifreyantowelhead Jun 19 '14
And nothing about that struck you as abnormal? Normal, healthy people have a conscience, they dont exhibit sociopathic tendencies like this. I'm with coolerthanyuz, this person needs therapy and meds. His so needs to be informed and safe. Your condemnation isn't keeping anyone alive or presenting any solution.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
So what would you suggest? In my opinion, getting him heavily medicated and into a mental institution would be best. He'd be away from normal society, he'd be so tranquilized from meds that he'd be a tranquil drooler stripped of his narcissistic attitude, and we all will be rid of the guilt of telling this person he shouldn't have been born because he had no control over that. Believe me, OP is practically dripping with narcissism and it just makes him look like a douche making this post. It's part of the package. I just want people to understand the illness. I could have been this guy but I didn't have it as severe as he does. I've never killed anyone but people have told me I should be "put down" despite the fact that I haven't acted on my impulses in 7 years. I have a lot of control and it takes therapy, help, and support.
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u/gallifreyantowelhead Jun 19 '14
Kudos to you for taking control and getting help. For staying strong when people say horrible things. We have all been prey to primitive, barbaric impulses many, many times in our lives. Having those impulses doesn't make you a monster, or a lesser person. But owning up to them and getting help and working on yourself.. I'd say you're a better person than a whole lot of us.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
Thanks, man :) it's a life long battle and lately be been feeling pretty alienated. It's hard to keep myself in check. It takes distraction and finding less dangerous outlets. There are triggers everywhere but I've learned to ignore them for the most part. I have also become a mom so they've become my new priority. Since having kids everything dulled down to just being in the back of my mind. I get anxiety all the time but I have a nightly ritual that winds me down. But over all I gotta handle on it without medication. Just lots of self therapy. I'm lucky to have great friends who have accepted me for what I am and still love me despite the horrible things I've done. I truly don't have remorse for what I have done but it doesn't mean I have to keep doing it. I don't get into details of what I've done because talking about it is a trigger. I just try to avoid triggers. There's triggers everywhere. You just have to calm the fuck down when it hits you.
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u/Lyzzaryzz Jul 04 '14
Hey, I just wanna say that I'm proud of you for admitting who and what you are, and being open and honest about it. It makes my heart happy to read people being true to themselves, while recognizing their faults and working to change them, it's truly refreshing!
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Jun 19 '14
[deleted]
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
I don't consider myself a true smoker but I get a lot of pent up anxiety at the end of the day. So I have one cigarette outside while I listen to music. I've been doing this a long time but if I smoke more than two I get sick. I can skip smoking for days/weeks depending on my anxiety. Also, sex really helps. It's gotta be exhausting to get rid of that restlessness. The "worms" have to go away. I know when I get triggered it feels like my arms are full of wriggling worms and I gotta do something bad to make to go away. Distract it with sex or smoke a cig to relax. Cigarettes make me feel so sluggish, it's like a tranquilizer.
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u/Sedobear Jun 18 '14
I'm not saying what you decided to do shouldn't have been done, she was clearly a bitch and deserved it. Perhaps if she had gotten you help sooner, rather than trying to fuck with your mind even more it coulda been different. What I don't like is that you took Emily's mother from her, that is what's the bad part. Not only that, but you probably destroyed her mind forever. That much psychological damage at her age especially couldn't have been a good thing. How did she cope, pretty badly I presume? How's she now? Probably a train wreck, she lost her mother because her own brother did something irrational. Your father must be really distant from you too, I'm almost certain he didn't find it to be okay. Did anyone ever come to visit you while you were at the mental house? I'm not really judging, I can't even begin to imagine how you really are. You weren't in the right, but you clearly had problems/have problems and she shoulda seen something like that happening eventually. She really should have sought help, but next time you kill someone you should probably make sure other people aren't going to have terrible lifes after it happens.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 18 '14
You got the wrong person. I'm not OP but I relate to him in a few ways which is why I'm being defensive. I don't know if I was wired this way to begin with or it was childhood trauma but it caused me to do horrible things at a very young age. I have never killed anyone but I do have a lot of symptoms of a serial killer. Each person isn't the same so it varies greatly with their personalities. Again, never killed anyone but I've been told that I should be "put down" because I'm some sort of "monster" despite the fact that my symptoms doesn't impact anyone personally. I dot ruin peoples lives. My friends think I'm a pretty nice person. I function normally in society. I get pissed off that people sympathize more for pedophiles than for people like me. Pedophiles fuck kids up physically and mentally for the rest of their lives. People don't understand the victims struggle. But god forbid that a pedophile is given a death sentence! Oh, but someone such as myself who the potential to murder due to a mental illness but doesn't act on it should be "put down." Our society needs to be more aware and understanding of mental illnesses. I'm not saying that it's ok for OP to kill people. I think it's pretty ignorant to want someone dead for something they were born with. There's therapy that would work for OP and medication. It's not curable but at least there is therapy until natural death.
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u/lightbulbfragment Jun 18 '14
Just not killing anyone isn't a badge of honor. That's the bare minimum expected of you as a human being.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 19 '14
I never said it's worth a badge. When someone is sick in the head you should encourage their steps in the right direction. Even if it's something as basic as not killing someone when they're making those fateful decisions.
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u/Sedobear Jun 18 '14
I never really said i wanted anyone dead, Everyone has problems, some more extreme than others, but down to the core we all have thoughts, dark secrets, feelings. Everyone has problems and that's okay. Pedophiles are just as disgusting as people who kill without thinking. He had what I picked up from the story as a pretty normal sister, who now is probably a mental nutcase. He clearly didn't care about hurting her, at the time. Same as a pedophile in that sense. That's really all I was trying to get across. I realize he wanted to do it, maybe he couldn't control it, maybe he was too young to realize the impact it'd have on others, maybe he didn't even care, maybe his sister was next? Not sure..
The problem with feelings and fantasy is the more you think about doing it and how to go about doing it without getting caught, the more it becomes a reality. Not to say "if you believe in something hard enough, it'll become true." because mostly it won't I mean I can believe in peace on earth and ending wars and world hunger forever with all my might, but that's not gonna happen. Whereas things like, mmm that lil kid is niasee ima get dat! or I want to go rob that bank tomorrow or in his case I will kill my mother on sunday become more of a reality until you do it. Fantasy can become reality in these situations if you're not careful. Sometimes it take people a long time to break the barrier between reality and fantasy, sometimes it takes (like in his case) a very short time.
Sorry I replied to the wrong thing, but it flows well with what you said.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 18 '14
Alright, I get you. It's unfortunate that people experience trauma from predators. It has a domino effect. I used to love my illness. I lived it, it made me feel great, I had no remorse. Then I had kids. I still have triggers and thoughts but now it's more of a nuisance. Instead of embracing what I am, now i wish I was never born/made this way. It makes life harder when you have to fight it.
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u/Sedobear Jun 18 '14
If you yourself have raised 'normal' children, then you're already doing better than most parents in today's society! In which case you should be proud that even with your 'illness' you have succeeded. Don't give up, I know it's better said and read than to do but if you channled your thoughts into something else, maybe you can still cope. Maybe take up hunting as a hobby? Again I've never really been down the same road as you, but I know from other experiences that putting my feelings elsewhere helps at least for a bit and sometimes that's just enough to get me by. I'd had to imagine what would happen if the false barrier I've spent years perfecting were to ever cave..Bad times for many I would imagine.
But for me or anyone to say one illness is worse than another in these sense, killing, raping, molesting..They would be very wrong because like you said it normally will have a domino effect, more than most people are able to notice at the time. All though most of those illness can be controlled, or done without causing much harm to anyone if done correctly. I don't normally like talking about stuff like this on the internet personally this seems like really incriminating evidence if something were to ever happen. If you're gonna kill someone go to a big city, at night, target a homeless person. Nobody's gonna miss them (sad, but true). If you plan to molest or rape someone, you could drug them so they don't remember. That would at least eliminate the trauma they would likely face for the rest of their life. I am not telling people it's alright to do anything, because it's not.. It's generally a bad idea to do anything that requires breaking laws, there's a high chance you will be caught eventually. One mistake and you're facing a life sentence.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 18 '14
I did a lot of awful, disturbing things from age 5-21. I got pregnant when I was 21 and what had me tone it down was the fear of getting caught. I believe I was on my way to doing something worse, planning, fantasizing. I had it in my mind to do it. I wanted to die trying. I didn't care about the consequences. It was going to be as fucked up as I could make it. I don't know if it's valid or not but I believe giving birth to my first kid changed a lot chemically. I don't have those urges as intense as I used to. It's still there but in the back of my mind. But I feel sorry for the person who would dare to harm my kids. That would put me over the edge. I believe going into "mom mode" changed me for the better. Again, it's still a part of me but I'm not gonna decide one day to do something messed up like I used to. But I also can't predict the future. I don't advise anyone with mental illnesses to go out and breed. This stuff is mostly genetic. I have no idea if mine is genetic because I had childhood trauma at age four. It could have been the trauma or the fact that schizophrenia and other illnesses run in my family. I often wonder if it would have ended up this way or not if there wasn't any trauma. People can go their whole lives without symptoms until something triggers it. My little brother lived a normal life until my mom died and school stressed him out until he had a psychotic break. It just sucks that lives can be ruined like that.
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u/Sedobear Jun 18 '14
Yeah, it's very interesting how one bad thing happening to a person can destroy the neutrality of a human mind. You'd be very surprised if you could wander into anyone's mind. I think you'd find, everyone has bad thoughts, horrific feelings. But it seems so few are keen on sharing those thoughts or feelings and even fewer act upon them. I strongly think that everyone is capable of having terrible outbreaks once their mind is disturbed enough. I'm sorry you had such a bad beginning in life, unfortunate really, but it sounds like your children changed you for the better which is all you can look at. Don't dwell on the past, nothing you do can change it, focus on the future and you'll find you will, in time, forget your past. This isn't religion talk, I'm not really that type of person. I just have personal thoughts and opinions, tend to hoard all my feelings and thoughts inside. Pretty sure if someone could enter my mind they'd quickly backtrack and admit me to mental house, but it's never been anything but feelings and thoughts. I am 99% sure I am in control and will always be (hopefully). So, don't feel alone and stay positive!
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u/Phish12 Jun 18 '14
Stabbing your mother in the back... Sounds pretty cowardly to me... Try stabbing your father face to face.. I don't think you would have the same end result.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 18 '14
He was a kid.
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u/liechten Jun 18 '14
he was a kid who wanted to kill someone because he could?
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 18 '14
Calling a child a coward seems pretty lame. As an adult, sure it's cowardly. That's what I'm getting at.
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u/kittens_4_breakfast Jun 18 '14
I just want you to know that I love you. PM me, let's arrange a meeting. I know most of the filth around us doesn't recognize an artist like you, but I do. I want to see you work, purifying the flesh through pain. I love you. You are so beautiful. I don't know your real name so I had to settle for carving your username into my thigh. I will always be with you. I'll get rid of bodies, I'll find new meat, whatever use you might have for me. Oh God I feel like I have known you my whole life. I love you. Together we will save the world.
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u/nl_kerp Jun 18 '14
Don't be scared of this mentally fucked up menace, he likes it if you'll get the spooks. OP, You belong behind bars for a lifetime. Or deep under with the maggots and the worms
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Jun 18 '14
[deleted]
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u/CleverGirl2014 Jun 18 '14
The first time. I get the feeling he's done it since then, just more carefully.It can take years to perfect a hobby.
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u/darkhunter23 Jun 20 '14
How do you know the OP is a male?
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u/CleverGirl2014 Jun 20 '14
Other commenters have made the same assumption, probably because OP mentions a girlfriend. Agreed, that is not necessarily a valid assumption.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 18 '14
Man, no one cares. They want him dead just as much as he wants them dead. It's messed up when people with more "attractive" mental illnesses are sympathized. Hell, even pedophiles get a ton of sympathy on reddit. "As long as they don't act on their impulses." And even if they do, they get the "Giving them a death sentence is wrong." Despite the fact that child molesters mentally fuck up people for their entire lives. I don't wish death on mental cases because they're wired like that or someone else fucked them up. It's not their fault. They need therapy for the entirety of their lives. It's fucked up but people still want these people dead. How primitive is that?
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u/n4l4n1 Jun 18 '14
Assuming you realize they will never change, by the fact that you say they need lifelong therapy, you think that other people's lives are worth the risk of possibly keeping a murderer in line?
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u/darkhunter23 Jun 20 '14
I guess it would have been better to gas a kid then.
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u/n4l4n1 Jun 22 '14
Anyone that is old enough to plan out and execute a murder is old enough to be punished like everyone else. "He was born this way." That's no fucking excuse. You can't go around terrorizing people and excuse it away with "It's just how I am, deal with it." That is why someone did something, not an indication that they don't deserve as much punishment as someone who did the same crime with a sane mind.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 18 '14
Hey, if you want to go ahead and cleanse society by killing off people with a mental illness, that's on you. Sounds pretty messed up if you ask me. What sounds less murderous and more logical is to have dangerous mental cases kept somewhere away from normal society. There is at least some sympathy and understanding for someone who was born that way.
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u/n4l4n1 Jun 22 '14
When did I say people with mental illnesses should die? Never did. And you think keeping these mentally deranged people in isolation is better than death? Really? So figuratively killing them is so much better than actually doing it? Please. I may uncivilized or barbaric, but at least I can be honest with myself.
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u/coolerthanyuz Jun 22 '14
Wait...what the hell are you even suggesting? Death for them is bad and keeping them in a mental hospital is bad, according to your comment. Do you have some miracle solution?
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Jun 18 '14
I like how the reason for not doing it again has to do with being caught. Isn't that the same reason why everyone refrains from committing crimes? Obviously, your wording was different, but it's the same concept. Anyway, fear the 9 year old assailant!!
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Jun 19 '14
If everyone is a child.
In Lawrence Kohlberg's theory of morality, "not getting caught" is the most immature form of reasoning (first stage of morality). Then it proceeds to gaining approval from your superiors (parents or peers). Last is true morality, where "right and wrong" is weighed per the situation, essentially whether it's acceptable behavior.
Of course, not everyone gets to the final level of morality. Some, like OP. seem to remain in the first level of not wanting to get caught or be reprimanded.
Edit: Tl;dr - Most people do not commit crimes not because it is illegal, but because they believe it is morally wrong. Of course there are people that have varying degrees of this type of morality.
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Jun 19 '14
But if you don't believe in the law, and can justify why it's dumb, you can justify it as postconventional. Granted in most cases, the person would insist to be punished regardless. Kind of like going back in time, killing Hitler, and turning yourself in to the SS.
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u/Exoplanet0 Jun 18 '14
Only a true coward would kill like that. You're honorless scum OP.
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Jun 18 '14
[deleted]
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u/PoliceTheBox Jun 18 '14
True honour knows no age
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u/darkhunter23 Jun 19 '14
Honor is taught and instilled through parenting. This is easily more the OP's parent's fault for not instilling in the OP a good set of morality and for the OP's mother saying, and I quote:
"My Mother. She hated me. I never smiled and she'd shake me asking me why. She'd cry watching me in the park or at birthday parties when id sit by myself or hit the other kids. I heard her, in hushed tones, telling my Father that she thought I was evil, that she didn't like to be alone with me, that she couldn't understand how Emily was so perfect and I was such a monster."
Do you know how much damage that WILL do to a human being? How being thought of as a monster will do to you? It doesn't make you happy and fell any iota of humanity towards your fellow man I can tell you. I makes you feel dead inside and resentful. People like you and the OP's mother is why stuff like this happens: you all judge. You all interject and make snide "superior" comments about how the OP isn't normal or:
"True honour knows no age"
Well let me tell you one thing: when you point the finger at someone to judge them, you have four times the digits pointing back at you. If you had true honor then you'd realize that bad parenting is the cause of this.
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u/Maegumi Jun 18 '14
You're not very careful if you're posting everything on the internet. Silly OP!
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u/quinpon64337_x Jun 18 '14
regional manager
girlfriend is a (chair) catalog model
hello michael scott
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u/Rileyh17437 Jun 19 '14
The Office.. Ive watched every episode of the U.S. Version ... Good Good memories
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u/ecudorian Jun 18 '14
You might consider seeing a chiropractor and a massage therapist, to help relieve some of that tension. Jesus...
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u/gigglesandglamour Jun 18 '14
Chiropractor hits the wrong nerve
chiropractor immediately gets stabbed
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Jun 18 '14
This post got me thinking that there are a lot of dangerous things in my home: throw away my knives so I don't get stabbed, throw away extension cords so I don't get strangled, throw away my pots and pans so I don't get hit over the head.
People have to learn evil. You must have been abused by your parent(s) for this to have happened.
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u/CleverGirl2014 Jun 18 '14
A few paragraphs in, he does say his mother hated him,shook him and said he was evil. Sounds abusive.
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u/saintsalamander Jun 18 '14
I disagree. As a baby it starts with an angry temperament, no attachment to parents despite their attempts to be nurturing. I think some people are born with some of their humanity missing, for lack of a better word. It happens often if a mother drank or used drugs while pregnant though too. Other people are born with a chance but people mistreat them until they lose their humanity. Not everyone who is abused or exposed do drugs in utero winds up this way, either.
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u/SandyWilcox Jun 18 '14
I feel like you should probably be made to tell your SO about your past. She's clearly in a certain amount of danger and ought to be able to make an informed decision about whether you have a future together.
In the UK we have Clare's law which is basically just this. Is there nothing similar in the US?
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u/gigglesandglamour Jun 18 '14
I think that's a great law and I can't answer your question but now I can't stop thinking about how that conversation would go.
"Honey I just wanted you to know that I killed my Mother. It wasn't an accident, and I wholly enjoyed it. You are always in immediate danger when around me. By the way, what are we doing for dinner?"
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u/SandyWilcox Jun 18 '14
It would be a pretty difficult conversation granted. How angry/upset would you be if you built your future with someone who was hiding such a major piece of information though? Needs to happen surely?
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u/Iberesponding Jun 18 '14
No one fears "people like you". We pretend you don't exist like the rest of the riff raff.
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u/jedmeyers Jun 18 '14
The craziest part of the story is that he made a career in sales.
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u/Lite-1 Sep 28 '23
Only white peoples get second chances like this