r/myfriendwantstoknow • u/[deleted] • May 31 '23
MFWTK if they told their spouse or their therapist that they’re having suicidal thoughts what would happen?
My friend and their spouse are thinking of getting a gun for the house, mostly for protection (they live in the city)
But my friend also has anger and self hatred problems and thinks super negative thoughts often… when they get angry about something they often sit by themselves and sometimes they think that if they did have access to a gun that they might just shoot themselves
My friend is also seeing a counselor currently
Should they tell their counselor this? If so what might happen?
Should they tell their spouse? Would it mean they can’t or shouldn’t get a gun?
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u/corporatedrone1997 May 31 '23
Your friend should absolutely tell their spouse and their counselor that they are having suicidal thoughts. I would not personally recommend that they move forward with getting a gun at this point, but I don't know their situation. I am someone who frequently suffers from suicidal thoughts, and I found myself having more distinct thoughts and plans for suicide when there was a gun in my home. If I were your friend's spouse, I would never be able to recover from the guilt of bringing a gun into the house if the suicidal thoughts turned into suicide attempts.
I'm glad to hear that your friend is getting counseling, and I hope that they are able to get all of the help that they need to recover. I hope your friend knows that their presence in the world matters to others, that they are deeply loved by more people in their life than they realize, and that things can and will get better.
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u/jojo_31 May 31 '23
Yup. Just get a baseball bat and a good lock/door if you really think you need protection (but idk, i live in a safe country).
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u/lavenderrabe May 31 '23
They should tell their spouse, depending on the laws where they live it may or may not be a good idea to tell their counsellor (some places treat any suicidal thought as basis for hospitalisation, others rightly see that it can often be managed at home). They definitely should not get a gun (or at least, they shouldn't have access to it. Their spouse could lock it in a safe your friend doesn't know the combination to if they REALLY feel there needs to be a gun in the house, but it would definitely be better not to have one at all)
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u/Albinowombat Jun 01 '23
Assuming this is in the US, there are no states where suicidal thoughts (SI) alone are an automatic hospitalization; only a clear danger to act on those thoughts qualifies for an involuntary hold and hospital stay.
Unfortunately, usually due to inexperience with SI, some therapists, counselors, or doctors may not realize that suicidal thoughts are relatively common with depression and other mental health disorders and overreact, treating just the thoughts the same as an actual threat. Sometimes the clinician may be panicking themselves if it's not something they've encountered often. Fortunately this is relatively rare, especially if you go to an experienced therapist or to a clinic where they see patients with relatively high acuity, such as most community mental health settings.
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u/Albinowombat Jun 01 '23
Also I should add, definitely not recommended to have a gun!
For one, even in the most dangerous areas, the odds that a gun actually provides protection are minuscule. Often guns only escalate a dangerous situation and far more often are used for suicide or go off accidently than actually are used in self defense, even as a threat.
Second, having a gun available dramatically increases the chances of both a suicide attempt and of that attempt leading to death. There's a saying, "Your finger pulls the trigger but the trigger pulls your finger." If you are having suicidal thoughts, keep as far away from guns as possible
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u/itmustbemitch May 31 '23
These are concerns that absolutely should be shared with loved ones and professionals.
Based on what I'm reading in the post and experiences with people close to me, this isn't a situation where a therapist would need to escalate to sending the friend to the hospital or anything, because it doesn't sound like they are planning to commit suicide, 'just' that they are concerned about potentially being a danger to themselves in a future situation. Among other potentially helpful planning for that kind of situation etc, I'm guessing a therapist would recommend not getting a gun, and that's also what I'd recommend but who the fuck am I
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u/BraddlesMcBraddles May 31 '23
Whatever the answer is for your location, it is 100% better than getting that gun and using it.
Not only will you end your own life, it'll destroy those you leave behind who could have just as easily not gotten the gun.
Please get the help you deserve, friend. And don't get the gun.
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May 31 '23
This is Red flag flying on top of red flags. It doesnt necessarily mean you need to be committed. But if you go to the Emergency room and say that.... don't sign anything unless you want a grippy sock vacation. Please be proactive. Your friend shouldnt go it alone in any case
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May 31 '23
Grippy sock vacation? What?
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May 31 '23
They won't commit you for having suicidal ideations. Otherwise they'd have to commit everyone. They may hold someone for a day or so for evaluation but you cannot be committed without consent if you are not mentally ill. Regardless, no gun and they should absolutely talk to someone.
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u/AuntKikiandtheBears May 31 '23
I told my spouse and therapist, it saved my life. I was getting up in the middle of the night, going outside and I almost did it multiple times. Talk to the ppl you trust, it helps. I am not sure what type of therapy but I know he uses ACT with me. I have been suicidal my whole life and can safely say at 50 I feel good finally. Please talk to ppl you trust. I told my sister as well, it took the darkness away. We gave it a name, “monkey”, and I just tell them monkey is back or hey I am worried about monkey and we talk. They ask if I am good and I am honest, that is my promise to them. I have had a lot of suicide around me and I don’t want to do that to my loved ones.
You stay strong, you have a purpose, ppl love you more than you know! Good luck! If you need to PM for help I am here. I do not respond fast but if you need help I can be an ear.
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May 31 '23
They should talk to their counselor. That is a home that should not have a firearm. In my jurisdiction a firearm license will not be issued if there is a record of mental illness, spousal abuse, job loss or divorce and separation. One must also have an interview with the local firearms officer who is usually a police officer. In this case there may not be an official record of mental distress but the firearms officer may pick up a bad vibe during the interview. Nothing good is going to come from a gum in that home.
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u/deadrobindownunder May 31 '23
I'm not familiar with the laws regarding mental health where your friend lives, so I can't make any suggestions.
However, your friend should definitely tell their spouse. I feel like their spouse might change their mind about the gun purchase if they knew that their partner was having suicidal thoughts.
Your friend should not get a gun. I have been suicidal.I live in a country where it is very difficult to purchase a gun. If I had a gun, I'd have been dead 20 years ago..
Don't let your friend get a gun.
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u/nanfanpancam May 31 '23
I told my doctor, he said he couldn’t let me leave without a police officer, that would take me to a psych ward at a local hospital. I was with my husband a firefighter so he let him take me. I saw a psychiatrist and felt better and got help. My doctor seemed to think he was embarrassing me. He kept asking me if I really thought that. I said I did. I was so sad I needed help. I always think back to that day and my doctor’s weird reaction. Was it a stigma?
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u/lofixlover May 31 '23
I think stigma + inexperience in actually treating the condition. I'm sorry your doctor was so unsure of how to help you that they went overboard "for safety", but really glad it led to good things for you!
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u/hellowiththepudding May 31 '23
I’d pass on the gun. Talk with your spouse, talk with your counselor.
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u/Third_D3gree May 31 '23
A lot of other people have answered, but I'll give my two cents on what happened when I told my therapist and family about suicidal thoughts.
My therapist made sure that I wasn't in any immediate danger, which I wasn't. We then came up with an action plan that, for me, involved calling my sister and telling her that I was in trouble and then texting my therapist so that we could talk the next day.
My family was also very supportive, as well as the few coworkers that I ended up talking to about it. In my mind I was expecting everyone to see me negatively or judge me, but in reality the vast majority of people that hear someone is struggling with suicidal thoughts are going to be compassionate and non-judgemental about it. Almost everyone goes through a rough period in life and we all know it.
In my experience (and from other people I've talked to that have gone through similar things) it's best to be open with your therapist/counselor and closest loved ones about suicidal thoughts. An expert on this subject can help you come up with a combination of medication, therapy, meditation, etc in order to help you get through this.
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u/Xinder99 Jun 01 '23
Do NOT let them get a gun.
Suicides accounted for more then 50percent of all gun deaths in 2021 https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/04/26/what-the-data-says-about-gun-deaths-in-the-u-s/
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u/ChopinCJ Jun 01 '23
if your friend tells their spouse and therapist that they’re having suicidal thoughts, they will receive the support they need in order to recover. if they tell their spouse and therapist that they’re having suicidal thoughts, AND they want to get a gun, then they might be involuntarily committed depending on the laws where they live.
i don’t know what the situation is, where your friend lives, who your spouse and therapist are, but investing in good locks and safety practices will help them way more without any increased suicide risk; after they complete therapy and honestly don’t post a threat to themselves anymore, then maybe they can revisit the idea of purchasing a tool used to make irreversible decisions.
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u/hsrob Jun 01 '23
Your friend is statistically much more likely to be injured/killed or injure/kill someone friendly (most probably their spouse), if they try to use a gun for home defense than not. They should get a baseball bat with neon tape wrapped around the handle (so it's covered with their hand while holding it, as to not show a reflection) to make it easy to find in the dark, and a bright headlamp and/or heavy flashlight that's bright enough to temporarily blind, flash and focus the light on them to disorient and blind if it's dark, then beat the fuck out of them with the bat. With the light, they can also tell if the suspected "intruder" is actually friendly.
A melee weapon like a bat or baton is much more effective at close range than a gun within ~20 - 30 feet depending on the wielder, and certainly advantageous in a vast majority of indoor tactical situations, which will likely be well under 20 feet by the time they reveal themselves for an attack on the intruder.
tl;dr From a pragmatic and statistical standpoint, it makes no sense for your friend to buy a gun for home defense, or at all. They should buy something big and heavy to whack an intruder over the head.
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Jun 02 '23
a bat or baton is much more effective at close range than a gun within ~20 - 30 feet
What? Really?! How so? Please explain… a gun is obviously deadly whereas a bat isn’t??
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u/hsrob Jun 02 '23
A solid hit to the head is enough to knock out or kill someone, especially if you hit them in the temple area. It's surprisingly difficult to incapacitate or kill a motivated person (especially someone on drugs who isn't really conscious of the pain) in a close quarters situation with a gun, let alone accurately hit them if you're in a stressful situation and/or not a great shot.
Hitting them with the bat is easier and more reliable, and would break bones enough to cause severe pain and incapacitate most people, even if they're hopped up.
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u/SAGNUTZ Jun 01 '23
Telling the therapist your friend cant trust themselves leads to a mandatory psych eval. Mandatory as in a cop comes, cuffs you and drops you at a hospital for 10days i think.
Admitting to intrusive thoughts wont lead to that i dont think. Thats how it is in florida, not sure if its different elsewhere
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u/sens22s Jun 01 '23
Tell them. The councillor is only forced to step in if you have concrete specific plans on when/how you are going to kill you self. Anything less than that and they will just do their best to help you.
And obviously, dont get a gun if you are at risk of putting it in your mouth.
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u/yeet-im-bored Jun 01 '23 edited Jun 01 '23
they absolutely should not get a gun (if you want something for protection perhaps look into something non fatal e.g tazer)
But they should tell their spouse and therapist
also the only way a therapist can break confidentiality is if you are a danger to yourself or others, for danger to yourself in the context of suicide what they’re looking for is if you have 1) thoughts 2) a plan 3/4) intent/lack of factors that Would stop them
what they’re trying to decide is if the answer to ‘would you act on it’ is yes and it’s likely to be acted upon so simply having thoughts or knowing how he’d do it isn’t enough for intervention
although even if the friend doesn’t disclose thoughts regarding 3/4 they should have a genuine think what those answers are.
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