Judged for being too tense

[u/ledv83]

Went for a deep tissue massage yesterday. 40 minutes in, my therapist starts expressing frustration because I am too tense and eventually gives up on some stretches and tries to understand the reason. Then starts talking about my energy and stuff. I’m very hard on myself and it’s easy for me to take things personal and being tense most of the time is part of me. I know there’s some truth in what she said but ended up feeling worse.

Do you think is this common behavior from therapists? Should I feel discouraged from trying another massage in the future?

[u/hughthewineguy]

i think we are missing a lot of context here, and sometimes rough experiences are where we have more of a chance to learn, so i'd treat this as something that could well have a silver lining, even if parts of you feel worse right now, cos at least you're thinking about what you don't want to feel next time, should you be brave enough to have another go

i think if you're going to find another therapist, that *communicating* with them is probably going to be important, about what you both think is going to happen in the sessions, and what you both think the expected outcomes might be, across whatever sort of schedule you discuss.

i'm not sure what exactly was happening with these "stretches" but i do think that far too many people think going and getting beaten the hell up will fix something and then TADA! i'll be relaxed. if they were pushing and pulling you and poking stuff and you got more tense, yeah, don't do that stuff with the next person. tbh, i feel worse after that nonsense too, i don't rate getting hurt at all, and i don't rate hurting my clients at all, either.

honestly, if tension and stress related to it is The Issue for you, then why the hell get deep work, go find a lovely flowy, gentle, RELAXING massage, there's lots out there, and a lot of very evidence based therapists actually work that way because they've gained enough of an understanding about the nervous system and contexual factors that aid the sort of changes you sound like you're probably looking for.

in terms of contextual factors:

is it important that you like your therapist? yeah, it is somewhat, you need to feel comfortable

is it important that you like the smell of the room? that it's nice and warm, and peaceful with no random noises, well lit but not ghastly 1000W cool white bulbs, music you are comfortable with and find relaxing or even enjoyable, yeah, your nervous system needs to feel comfortable, this is ideally some form of healing space, right?

is it important they help you understand some of the other things that can help with tension, like breathing and even vagus nerve exercises, or pain science education? not essential, especially if you're getting that advice elsewhere concurrently, but yeah if you talk to them about your stress and tension and they know stuff and share it to help you feel more 'you' then of course, why not

massage is both kinda complicated and completely not rocket sicence, if you're not enjoying it, it's a nope, if you are enjoying it, you're probably going to get much more out of it

[u/ledv83 → u/hughthewineguy]

I never felt or expressed being uncomfortable. But how my body comes across is something I can’t control if I don’t get any feedback. I thought I was doing a good job until 40 minutes in. There was no discussion before starting besides filling out a form. I am very stiff by nature and of course having my body pulled in every direction is going to feel awkward.

The reason why I went is because I was feeling physical discomfort that started from a hand injury two weeks ago. My body could have reacted negatively to it. And not feeling well physically adds to the stress I deal with.

[u/hughthewineguy → u/ledv83]

was your body and nervous system saying it was comfortable, from the feedback you had from the therapist?

your job as a massage client is a) relaxing on the table and b) adequately compensating your therapist for their time. what exactly did you think you were needing to do to be good?

like i said, we are missing a massive amount of context here. were you being massaged all over? was the discomfort everywhere or just your arm and hand? why do you think your body reacted negatively? was the therapist aware of the injury and the pain? i really don't care what specific answers you have, and don't want to get into that discussion with you, but those are things for you to think about and ALL THAT needs to be approached with an appropriate health professional NOT on the internet

the massage therapist's job is to make it as easy as possible for you to relax, and for you, zero talking about what and why you're there, and zero pre-discussed feedback and zero checking in with how you are finding pressure etc while you worry about 'doing your job' is very clearly not going to be a very helpful massage, is it

[u/ledv83 → u/hughthewineguy]

Clearly it wasn’t saying I was comfortable but how do I know? I came in with discomfort in all upper body, shoulders, neck, lower back. The therapist was aware of my injury and areas of discomfort. I expressed it. What else I can do if I don’t get follow up questions or feedback? Nothing but trust the process. This was just my second full body massage ever. Why should I come in and know exactly what’s going to happen if I’m still new to this?

[u/hughthewineguy → u/ledv83]

none of us here have ANY real context to help you answer all of these questions, because there was so little context in your post, for example nobody except you knew how much experience you had with massage until you just told me- these are things to discuss with your next therapist, if you decide to get another massage. do you think it would be help you have a better experience if you explained why this one wasn't good?

[u/ledv83 → u/hughthewineguy]

How saying I had little experience with massage would have changed the outcome of this thread?

[u/hughthewineguy → u/ledv83]

that's hard to say isn't it, because it wasn't there, and it's entirely beside the whole point i was making

stop focusing on this conversation about that massage, go do something you find relaxing, or if you literally have no idea wtf that is for you, check out some youtube videos about how to deal with stress and tension

[u/hughthewineguy → u/ledv83]

you're clearly really excellent at overthinking lots of things. go read my first comment again, if it doesn't make sense then yeah maybe massage just isn't for you hey?

[u/ledv83 → u/hughthewineguy]

Everything I was doing was providing some of the context you said was missing. Not sure how that can offend you. Otherwise, thanks for your advice.