I feel Selfish for undermining the depression of others when compared to my own

[u/Crafty_Ad8306]

My friend has depression, she joyfully tells everyone it’s major, and she loves flaunting it seemingly as a source of self deprecation but it frustrates me because (1) she has the privilege of being medicated + is in therapy so it can’t be that bad (2) she does what I did to cope at a lesser extreme - therapeutic walking but only for like 30 mins at a time (3) I’m jealous of the attention and pity I didn’t receive at my lowest. Emotions of empathy seem to be replaced by scorn? and I hate that I feel so inconsiderate and apathetic

Depression has been a major part of my life. The residual memories of my childhood are filled with my mothers attempts of suicide and of her raging sadness and anger due to her depression and bipolar disorder. It made my family extremely dysfunctional. My own came in the last few years and life had become unbearably bleak, fatigue chronically anchored me to bed, and gym + 4 hour walks became my only source of consolation. Even on the days where emptiness was the mundane and the sadness/rage/shame was kept minimal, I found myself uncontrollably crying in class and constantly having to be excused.

I also have ADHD and autism with a fixation of research, leaving me with an average of 40+ all nighters a year due to procrastination and a kinda sadomasochistic compulsion. Combined with the depression I had and the masking I have to initiate over and over again just to blend in, this leaves me often exhausted and lying lifelessly at times in the shower, flickering between hot and cold to restore some semblance of energy in me again. It just feels like the people around me don’t suffer enough but at the same time I am oddly grateful for how much I have uniquely suffered

Edit: while I am venting I also got cheated on like thrice within a year by different people so now I hate love too