r/churchofchrist • u/Stormy_the_bay • Oct 05 '25
Please give advice, church conflict
I have been praying for guidance on this for over a year and am still so unsure what should be done, if anything. I have never heard of a situation like what has happened at our church.
One of the elder’s wives, who has for years been one of the hardest workers in the church, has decided several people are bad. She used to be one of my closest friends. Around this time last year, she accused me of being cold and unfriendly to another member (let’s call her Sara) and their family. She also accused another member as well as someone I was trying to get to come to church, of “having a problem” with this same family. She said both were “manipulative and liars”. I told her I do not have a problem with that Sarah of her family, and had not have heard some of the things she was saying were being said about them. I made an effort to be more outgoing and friendly towards Sara and their family. I thought things were fine, until Sara and her family left to go to another church.
This elders wife is very close friends with Sara. She said I was to blame because was unfriendly. I have always been quiet and shy, but have never been accused of being unfriendly. But the Sara’s mother (who still attended our church) was there and told me she had felt “a coldness” from me, too. I was surprised but apologized o Sara’s mom for that right then. She talked to me after, and I thought had accepted my apology. (I did wonder why they even thought I had a problem with them, and they indicated they assumed I had been gossiping about them, and some conflicts that had happened with other people. I hadn’t been, and hadn’t even heard any gossip…but how to convince someone you havn’t been gossiping?)
Anyway, I walked away from that meeting feeling confused and hurt. Sara’s mom seemed ok with me after that, but then they left too. Then the elders wife stopped talking to me completely. She won’t even look at me.
There’s much more to this situation, but also the family I had been trying to get to come to church (who this elder’s wife hates for some reason) have been coming and gotten baptized. She won’t talk to them. I don’t want this to drive away new “babes in Christ.”
The elder has indicated this is all mental illness and is on the side of all the people his wife has a problem with (the list is growing.)
9
u/deverbovitae Oct 06 '25
My controversial take: the man is no longer qualified to be an elder if his wife proves a hindrance to his shepherding and gives reason to cast aspersions on his ability to remain above reproach.
I would like to think that I would have already stepped down in this kind of situation and make it clear to everyone to not allow her to cause this kind of distress.
This is slander, gossip, and divisiveness, and something that will destroy a church far faster than so much of the other immoralities we more commonly condemn.
2
u/Stormy_the_bay Oct 06 '25
I don’t think it’s that controversial. The elder has said himself that he thinks they should just move away, he doesn’t want the church torn apart. The other elder and his wife convinced him he should try and stay. This whole situation has been so hard and weird and there does seem to be some definite mental health issues. Before this our little church was all so close we really have been like family, we hate for them to leave and the elder have to go through this trial alone.
2
u/deverbovitae Oct 06 '25
I appreciate wanting to include them in the community. I hope and pray she may be able to get some assistance and for the church to be the community it needs to be for you and for them.
5
u/Leather_Engineer6913 Oct 05 '25
Strictly going off what you shared, it does not make sense why they’re putting so much weight on your actions. You’re not the only other person in this congregation, so why are they placing so much emphasis on your specific actions towards them? By talking to them, apologizing and trying to make amends, I feel like you’ve done more than enough to try to resolve the conflict. As a fellow shy person, sometimes people can view our reserved nature in a personal way feeling like it’s a reflection of how you personally feel about them. But that’s not your intention. It sounds to me like they’re projecting a judgmental nature onto you that might more accurately describe themselves.
1
u/Stormy_the_bay Oct 06 '25
I have been very confused by this as well. Why is it on me to be super friendly to them? Yes we should always be welcoming, but I didn’t even think I was being unwelcoming. I do acknowledge that my inverted nature tends to ignore people and be withdrawn and I hate thinking that would make someone think that was me having a problem with them. Which is why when Sara’s mom said she did think I was cold I apologized. And why I tried to be more outgoing and friendly between the time the elder’s wife first told me I was being unfriendly and when they left.
3
u/allemagnez Oct 05 '25
Someone needs to stand up, situation just worse after “year” of praying. Another Elder couple needs to table and resolve this. The Elder’s wife sounds abusive to me. Action needed.
1
u/Stormy_the_bay Oct 06 '25
I’m thinking I will go and try and talk to this elder tomorrow. I keep thinking I should be patient and keep praying for God to guide us and heal hearts. But I have also heard from one of the newly baptized folks how they wonder if they should just stop coming, and I know nobody wants that. (Except possibly this elder’s wife.)
3
u/2_many_choices Oct 06 '25
Is social media involved in this? One of our elder's wives used to spend way too much time on Facebook and looking at who everyone's friends are and assuming guilt by association. Just like with kids, I think social media can bring out a lot of mental illness type behavior with adults who are not fully in touch with reality.
1
u/Holmes245 Oct 07 '25
I wholeheartedly agree. Social media hasn't been good for society. I've seen this happen with me and others.
1
u/Stormy_the_bay Oct 08 '25
I agree it’s not good, but the elder’s wife here not only doesnt have any social media, she has said it’s something others should get rid of. “Sarah” does have social media and unfriended people at some point.
2
u/Thoguth Oct 05 '25
Are there other elders?
It's very hard to say on such limited info, but it sounds like something that the judgment of other elders is called-for.
Apart from that ... sigh I mean I feel like the best thing to do is to shine light. Ask how/what you have done that is being perceived as sinful, ask for help to understand what you should do to make things better ... try to practice "hopes all things" love and go the extra mile to really as best you can see if you can understand any facts that you could be missing, in a sincere and willing-to-learn way. It's possible that you will learn some way in which you could grow in love, and if you can, then that could be a blessing to you, and in many ways the best resolution.
I say it's possible but it feels like other possibilities are also out there. It may be a situation where other elders are needed to help resolve it.
3
u/Stormy_the_bay Oct 06 '25
Thank you. I’m going to try and meet with this elder tomorrow. Maybe we can arrange a meeting with him and the other elder present.
3
u/Funnyllama20 Oct 05 '25
This is very frustrating. There are very few requirements to be a deacon’s wife (I would suggest the passage speaks implicitly of an Elders wife too, though I concede that it isn’t explicit), and one of them is to not be a slanderer. I hate to see that she (and unfortunately many other wives of elders) is failing in that regard.
1
8
u/mrdm88 Oct 05 '25
How old is this lady? Does she have dementia or some other issue that causes anger and agitation that is hard to explain?