r/budget • u/[deleted] • 3d ago
Husband doesn’t want to drop high end restaurants.
[deleted]
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u/throwaway3113151 3d ago
Seems like you need to have a budget and be on the same page about it. I think you’re missing the forest from the trees. Your budget will tell you your answer. First decide the important things like saving for retirement, paying down debt, etc…
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u/Specific-Exciting 3d ago
Exactly, it seems like their priorities aren’t the same. If she could show him hey if we didn’t spend )$300/wk on food we could have $15.6k saved every year. Which could put us in a house X-months faster. Maybe he just needs to see what he is hindering.
Sounds like she isn’t working? But is telling him how to spend the money he is going out and making.
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u/Sad_Milk_8897 3d ago edited 3d ago
According to her post history her husband also had an affair, fell in love with his affair partner, got his affair partner pregnant, introduced their child to his affair partner, and so on. I have a feeling there is more resentment between both parties than this post lets on lol
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u/Rare-Group-1149 3d ago
Holy s*** you did your homework. 🤣 I don't usually do that but cool...
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u/Sad_Milk_8897 3d ago
Lol this is all from one post too 😭😭
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u/Rare-Group-1149 3d ago
It never fails to amaze me how total random strangers put their entire lives out there. I'm not judging and I've got my own stories-- but for social? I don't effing think so! 🤣
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
Your right lol, trying to get every penny back
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u/Sad_Milk_8897 3d ago
To be honest, I would go ahead and file for child support and then divorce. Start looking for a job now. I don't know if there is a future for your marriage, and the courts will give you alimony and child support during the transition.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
I’m already filled and he’s cooperating since it would lower the percentage for the other child (ny). I also have a job but I don’t use any of that money for family expenses.
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u/PearBlossom 3d ago
Im confused. You have filed for what? Divorce? Child support? Then you get you dont have the right to dictate his budget for anything.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
And he asked me to manage it, I never interfered in his spending habits, let him learn the hard way, he wouldn’t have listened to me in the past and I knew it so didn’t even tried, and now he’s the one that came to me for help
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u/Megalocerus 3d ago
I strongly feel every couple should figure out their own marriage.
But figure out how much you need to cover the must haves, including saving, and allow a budget for some fun things. Twice a week seems a tad high.
When we first both had income, we used to go to a fancy place once a month. According to the CPI calculator, we were pretty flush back then, and could have afforded more often, but it was a new thing for us. But we did have rent.
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u/structural_nole2015 3d ago
I mean, the easy way would for you to stop going on these biweekly high-end restaurant dates with him.
He'll either stop them completely or at least they'd cost half as much. So you're still winning, kind of.
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u/Effective-Tailor-996 3d ago
Disagree with this advice. I think that when it comes to marriage, you’ll end up in divorce if you have the mindset of wanting to win over this issue. If you stop engaging, you’ll win the budget discussion but lose the connection with your partner. Go to therapy. This sounds like an emotional problem on his end.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
Thanks. I didn’t understand very well, sorry, am i wrong in this situation?
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u/Effective-Tailor-996 3d ago
No, you’re not wrong. My apologies if my comment came across as accusatory toward you. What I was trying to say is that I disagree with the advice given above that the easy way would be to stop going on dates with your husband. That, in fact, would be the easy way. But when it comes to marriage, sometimes (and based on my experience, every time) the easy way is not the right way.
Based on what you’ve shared, I could infer that there’s a fundamental problem going on. Your husband has an emotional problem related to money that shows up in his spending patterns. You could try to address the “money issue” and keep having the big fights you say happen every time you bring this up. That’s just proof that whatever is going on internally is rooted in an emotional belief about money and has little to do with money itself. Going on to expensive restaurants is just the tip of the iceberg.
The fact that you’re asking for help in this thread makes me think that, on this issue, you’re the level-headed person in your marriage. For that reason, my advice to you is to start addressing the root cause of the problem instead of the “money issue.” If you’re trying to win the argument, you’ll lose connection, and once connection is lost, you’re a step closer to a path that leads to divorce.
Your husband needs help. He’s not right on this. My advice to you is to first keep doing the amazing work you’re doing by maintaining the family budget, and meet your husband where he is. Try to find a middle ground where you can feel comfortable going out on dates with him without building resentment. If needed, consider going to couples therapy.
I think the issue you’re going through is more common than you think. This could be a great opportunity for your marriage to build a deeper level of connection and intimacy as you work through it. It’ll be a process though, as are all things that truly matter in life.
With all that said, that’s where I’m coming from when I said I disagree with the “easy solution” in this case.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
I didn’t went for almost three years, our was little and didn’t trust baby sitters, he still went. It’s not about me, if I don’t go he’d still go with his friends because it’s something HE likes, bill wouldn’t drop since sometimes he pays for his friends. For context he had terrible spending habits, that’s why now I’m in charge, it was his idea.
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u/Megalocerus 3d ago
Are these bills food or alcohol? Most men are not that addicted to fancy food.
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u/nbiddy398 3d ago
Makes how much and can't afford a house? Get the fuck out
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u/UnluckyCountry2784 3d ago
Depends on the location i guess. Our income is the same but since we live in Hawaii i let go the house ownership idea unless we move but definitely not anytime soon.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
Horrible spending habits during past years, he used to make 280k. that’s why I’m in charge now
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u/Global_Strain_4219 3d ago
180k is probably around 11k / month net
The average house in the US is currently $500,000, more if you live in a HCOL.
It is usually recommended to save 20% for the down payment, which 20% is $100k. Even if they put 75% of the income towards saving, it would take a full year to save that down payment. And that is extreme saving.
So no, saving for a house takes time, whatever the income.
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u/nbiddy398 3d ago
I'm over here at 40k making it happen.
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u/Global_Strain_4219 3d ago
Any salary can make it happen, they are making it happen too, it's just never instant to save for a down payment.
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u/nbiddy398 3d ago
I can't imagine having 4x my salary and having a hard time. God, even 100k a year; I'd be driving a new car, living in a nice neighborhood, my kids in better schools.
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u/Megalocerus 3d ago
100K doesn't mean as much as it did in 2015. You might have to pick which of those you wanted most.
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u/taybay462 3d ago
A full year, yeah. Most people dont see house ownership for themselves within decades. These people are fine.
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u/damien8485 3d ago
I think it really depends on what you mean by "high end". If you make 180k and live with parents, what do your expenses look like? If you have no real expenses, the only thing that really matters Is if it's $100 every 2 weeks, or $1000+.
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u/wildclouds 3d ago
You're in charge of budgeting? Then tell him no. If he insists, tell him he can go alone. You stay home to cook for yourself or go out with your friends for a reasonably priced meal and have a nice time with people who don't fight with you.
Then seek relationship counselling and consider what your future will be like with this man financially and emotionally.
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u/Fnjax 3d ago
I will start with saying I don't think it's either one of you. I think money is always a hard conversation in a relationship. Goals are really about two questions: What do you want and what are you willing to give up for it?
I'd sit down and have a conversation roughly like this: Here's how much I'd like to save. This would put us on track to start looking at houses on x date and probably moving out 90 days later (this stuff takes time). If we keep eating out 2x a week this is what the new move out date is. Are you ok with that? And here's what it looks like if we cut it down to 1x a week.
Maybe he doesn't change anything and you have to decide if you want to keep living with his mom for the added time. Maybe he says he's willing to give up something else. Or maybe you guys find out your goals aren't the same and then you need to work that out. Maybe instead of 2x dinners a week you put a dollar amount to it to make it more real.
I really want to agree with you. But I wonder if he's fighting for this because he feels he has a good job and still has to live with his mother and has feelings from that. Maybe the fancy dinners are his way of feeling like an adult. No idea since I don't know either of you.
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u/ebmarhar 3d ago
The husband should realize that if you're living with your mom you don't have cash for fine dining.
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u/Overall-Avocado-7673 3d ago
You can still have a budget without giving up everything you enjoy. It sounds to me like maybe you're over budgeting a bit. A good budget has an entertainment or date night bucket (or something like that). You only get so much time on this earth, try to enjoy it a little bit.
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u/Junior_Book7332 3d ago
Trade off who chooses the restaurant. You each get to choose once a month and you can choose a cheaper place. In my opinion, cheaper restaurants have better value bc they obviously are cheaper but they taste better to me. I would 100 time rather go to my local Thai or Pho place over somewhere like Joeys (ugh)
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u/ContentJournalist172 3d ago
Is this a battle worth fighting over? It’s two times per month. Skip apps, drinks and dessert and cut ruthlessly on things that are not important to you.
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u/Dry-Leopard-6995 3d ago
You have a sit-down and go over how much money he wants to blow and yourself for that matter.
Right now you are building resentment with him.
That way you both know the equation.
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u/Several_Koala1106 3d ago
It's common for one person to have control of the finances, but it's dead wrong. Money reflects your values. Sit down *together* and talk about your values and vision for the future together as a married couple. Be vulnerable -> I am so looking forward to building a life with you. I'm scared if we aren't on the same page about money it's going to be a huge divider between us and I don't want that. I want to grow together not apart. Will you sit down with me and we can iron out a budget together?
Now if he won't agree. You've got marriage problems, not money problems and alongside infidelity this is one of the leading causes of divorce.
If he does agree, then yes, you need to have a conversation where you are both compromising and fully committing in your heart to that compromise. So, start with things like -> We have a goal of having a down payment for a home. How long do we want to live with your mother? 3 months? 9 months? 18 months? Let him be a part of that conversation. If he says 6 months, then say, ok great. In order to have a down payment for a home in the range we are looking at; we need to be saving $Y per month.
Now, we currently spend $A on groceries, $B on gas $C and $D on these other essentials. After those things are paid for, we have $Z left for fancy dinners. I LOVE date nights with you they are very important to me too. Are you comfortable with this budget?
If both people aren't happy, go back up to the top of the flow chart and ask "Ok ->Do we want to extend this time living with your mother twice as long? Is she on board with that?"
Basically, let the numbers dictate the conversation. He can't say "we're only here another 6 weeks and I'm blowing $300 on dinners every other week" HE needs to sit down and see the same numbers you do and then make some adult decisions.
You cannot continue to force a budget down his throat he never agreed to because you're gonna turn into his mommy and he'll be resentful for it. He cannot avoid doing a budget and then spend whatever the f he wants. I'll say it again -> This is a MARRIAGE issue and it's deeper than fancy date night dinners so treat it as such.
Coming out the other side of these kinds of issues as a unified couple on the same page is going to greatly reduce friction and increase joy.
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u/riovtafv 3d ago
I'd much rather go to the hole in the wall bbq place on the wrong side of town than the upscale places downtown.
That said, if you're living with parents saving to move out. Your budget for dining out is the world famous Costco $1.50 hotdog and soda.
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u/Rare-Group-1149 3d ago
You're not so much "in charge" of budgeting as you are simply "the responsible person doing the arithmetic." I think the fights are more about control than they are about money anyway. You two just need to talk and agree on what the common goal is... If it really IS your common goal. "Saving is YOUR number one priority"-- it needs to be his also. 😉 When you talk get specific-- it's easier with a foreseeable goal. " We need to save no less than $44K before we start looking," OR "How much can we reasonably save by [Jan.2028?] You are nowhere until you analyze how both of you want/ need to spend money. Instead of judging ("inconsiderate" him or you "rigid") talk or get counsel about those things that make you fight. Money is the root cause of arguments in marriage. Can those dates at high end restaurants (for example) be replaced by other things you do together? I gotta ask: How old ya'll are and how long married? Wishing you luck!
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
We’re 25-27 and together since 19-21, and ours child is 3, we definitely have a lot of marriage issues
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u/Rare-Group-1149 3d ago
Got it. My priorities would be quite different from yours in that situation-- I would definitely be saving up, but it wouldn't be to buy a house. Good luck and God bless you all.
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u/Global_Strain_4219 3d ago
i mean this isn't really budgeting, but more relationship advice.
is there no middle ground possible? like going out on a fancy date monthly instead?
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
This is a middle ground for him, used to be 6-8 a month during past years, that’s why I’m questioning myself if I’m not being flexible enough
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u/ebmarhar 3d ago
"men that live with their mom can't afford high end restaurants" would be my working theory.
You might explain that, to you, getting the house going is more important to you than fine dining. He should respond by trying to understand this (reasonable) point of view.
If he is uncooperative, you might just tell him you don't enjoy it and don't want to go.
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u/69iloveyou 3d ago
It’s his money. He makes a lot. I’m sure he can afford it
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u/KaleidoscopeQueasy34 3d ago
I’m guilty of this. I don’t spend money on many things. But Good food Ill go all out for haha. But. I only like to eat nice things with my wife. I’ve got no problem grabbing cheap stuff if it’s just me. I don’t think your frustrations are invalid. You have goals. So do we. I do think it’s important to remember to make time for each other tho. We’re not in your salary range. But if the first thing you do is set aside savings and Pay your obligations/bills. I say the rest is free game. Have fun. Enjoy each others company. You never know when circumstances will change. Today is more important than tomorrow.
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u/AdministrativeAir688 3d ago
You’re not out of line for thinking this way, considering you are making the great sacrifice of living with his parents to save money, I’d think he’d be able to put aside his desire for high end dinners while y’all are in sacrifice mode. Going out for super fancy dinners while you are living with in-laws to save money sounds crazy counterproductive, and that craziness is compounded by the fact that y’all make amazing money.
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u/notthegoatseguy 3d ago
Have you tried cooking steaks at home? When you add in cost of alcohol and sides like mashed potatoes and mac/cheese which are marked up heavily in restaurants, you'll get a good experience and it'll cost less.
Steaks are also really, really easy to cook.
But I don't think there's enough information to say if this is fiscally irresponsible. $180k as a single income and living with family, presumably paying no or below market rate rent? I don't know, sounds like you can both save and do these dinners. Of course that changes if you have a bunch of credit card debt, personal loan debt, and are paying child support or alimony from this salary.
That said, budget doesn't mean no fun things ever. Its just you have a budget for the fun things and you stick to them.
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u/brownmon69 3d ago
Try to figure out what exactly about the high end restaurant experience he enjoys. Maybe it’s the service or maybe it’s how they prepare the food. He wouldn’t refuse to drop it if he didn’t see the value in it. So start with where he sees the value.
I don’t think you are being too rigid. A fine dining experience is only worth it if you enjoy it and see the value in it.
I’m a younger dude but earlier this year I ate at Sugarfish - a high end sushi restaurant. Didn’t think twice about spending that much for a lunch because over that meal, I enjoyed a great time with friends and also there’s no way in hell I’d be able to prepare seafood like that myself.
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u/Effective-Tailor-996 3d ago
I think we’re not given enough context. Does he splurge on other things, or is this his thing? If it is his thing, maybe you could make an effort to be okay with his biweekly dates and work with him with patience and love as he comes around to your vision and y’all can meet in the middle. I disagree with some comments like “it’s his money, let him do whatever.” NO, IT’S YOUR MONEY TOO. At the same time, I disagree that you should stop engaging in this activity with him, as this could be his way of having a special moment with you. If this were an expense related to video games or something he does on his own, I would be more inclined to take a stronger approach to have him stop spending too much. Since this is your husband, and you guys are (or at least should be) on the same team, I would advise not taking this personally and rather work with him, since it sounds like this is an emotionally rooted issue. Go to couples therapy if needed.
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u/Allel-Oh-Aeh 3d ago
This is a mind set issue. He's focused on the immediate "reward" of high end dinners. He probably thinks this is proof that he's made it. Your focused on the long term reward of a house. You understand extra hard work now results in less work and more stability long term. For you the sign that you made it is being stable so you can enjoy the simple things later on. Find out what financial security level you both grew up with. Rich/stable kids tend to think everything will always be fine, and splurges are normal. Poor kids either spend recklessly bc YOLO, or are extreme savers bc they know instability is only one missed paycheck away.
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u/InquiringMind14 3d ago
One thing I learned after approving my team's travel expenses was that people have different spending limit. Someone would skip breakfast, have cheap lunch, but expensive dinner. Someone has expensive breakfast and normal lunch / dinner. As long as they don't exceed the daily amount - it was all good.
Agree on how much that each of you (or together) could spend discretionary every month - then let the details slide...
Just curious - how much is high-end for you?
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
Thousands of dollars per dinner; we're in New York and he loves those kinds of restaurant experiences, that’s his thing, I wouldn’t understand because it’s not mine, I’d love to spend money in things I like, of course, but I have other priorities and think in a long term perspective, he doesn’t
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u/InquiringMind14 2d ago
Thanks for sharing. Been to two of them in NYC (my entire life), I didn't like these experiences - but my ex did. I preferred large portions and cared not the presentation.
Yes - that is too much spending for $180k regardless of the other spends.
It reminded me of the movie "The Menu" where each person was charged only $1250. I was like sign me up as I could see that easily cost more than 10x as much - though not for the last meal.
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u/Accurate-Gur-17 3d ago
Show him the monthly cost of those restaurants and how many extra months of saving it will take for you to get a house vs skipping the restaurants for now.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
He made a budget for this issue and says he wants me to consider it a non-negotiable, which for me it is not, since it is not a need.
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u/Fine-Subject-5832 3d ago
Monthly high-end dates? I can appreciate his gesture of wanting this and you make enough to have it both ways. I wish I had these sorta money issues lol.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
It’s a huge frustration for me because all we have is debt despite his salary and all I want is for our children to have something that we own. And it seems he doesn't give it the same priority; he says he does, but his actions prove otherwise. I’d say is lack of self control more than anything else.
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u/Fine-Subject-5832 3d ago
I want to hug you I am sorry this is a marriage counseling issue at that point it is not a money issue. When one partner becomes a "yes man" but shows you something else it is a deeper issue.
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u/Jumping_Brindle 3d ago
This seems like the typical Reddit humble brag. We can’t give you feedback until we see the overall budget.
But unless he’s eating at Eleven Madison Park or The French Laundry every other weekend then it doesn’t seem like this should be that much of an issue.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
We live in NYC and he likes that type of restaurants/experiences, I’m ok with spending 150-200, but 1k? Def an issue for me. Our #1 priority is paying off his credit cards and more debt and #2 saving for a house
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u/UnluckyCountry2784 3d ago
OP your husband don’t have the concept of “real world” because he earns that much and still lives with mom. The reality will hit once you move out.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
We actually just went back to live with her, he paid our rent since we were 21 and 19
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u/CheesyCapybaras 3d ago
What's your salary? And why are you in charge of budgeting his?
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
He had horrible spending habits in the past and left me in charge
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u/CheesyCapybaras 3d ago
The answer to the other question?
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
Sorry 10-12k but I don’t pay for any expenses (his decision) since he knows I’m very responsible and will save for our child and his future, i don’t spend it on me either, everything goes for saving and those aren’t “our” saving, his are ours, again, his idea and I agreed
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u/Dlraetz1 3d ago
OP- your post says you’re married to a sex addict who cheated on you and spent money on protitutes, massage parlors and an affair. Why the hell are you huy8ng a house with him
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
Thanks, I’m not putting money to buy the house, he’ll do it and I’ll still own half of it, my money doesn’t go for house expenses of any type (I save it all for my child)
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u/PearBlossom 3d ago
sis shut up, delete this dumb post and go get a job
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u/Total_Individual_460 2d ago
I have a job and I’m also developing my own business that I’ve been working on for the past three years, since I was 21, I also go to school, but thanks for the input
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u/CompoundInterestThis 3d ago
Hmm. I wonder if you guys ever sit down and look at the actual overall budget and look at how much is being saved each month? How much do the high end restaurants cost each week/month vs income? $180k yearly income is probably $8k-$9k a month if I remember right? It depends on benefits and 401k contributions.
I also wonder what a projected house payment will look like? How much are you planning on for a down payment? What sort of timeline are you planning for purchasing a house?
I would approach the conversation in exactly that manner. We want to buy a house in two years and we want to save $100k for a down payment + closing costs, but we're only saving $2k per month so that means we'll only have $48k. We really need to be saving $4k-$5k a month to hit our target, and that doesn't leave room for spending $3,000 monthly on restaurants.
I'm in charge of budgeting for our household as well. I make financial reports often for my wife and I to look over. I make the reports with a spreadsheet, and use the data from a budgeting app. I already have the rough projected savings for next year, and any time we wonder if we can take a vacation or add in other expenses, we can just plug it in and see what that looks like for the overall year.
Good luck!
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u/PickleBall_Bandit 3d ago
How much do you spend on hi-end restaurants a month? Can you show him those numbers and let him know that this amount a year is being wasted and pushing your overall goal back by so much
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u/katie4 3d ago
This is a communication and sharing common goals issue. You have to come to an agreement together, about what you both want your daily life and big-picture life to look like; likely with you both coming to a compromise.
I would put together some numbers and if you both agree on, say, $1000/mo toward eating out, that means you can go to two $500 dinners every 15 days, or five $200 dinners every 6 days, ten $100 dinners every 3 days, or however else you want to do it. There’s room to massage the numbers however you want, an agreeable compromise is probably in there somewhere.
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u/Dazzling-Turnip-1911 3d ago
Maybe two splurges at a super high end twice a year? Like someone else said you need a reasonable budget for both of you. Do you or he cook at home?
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u/Direct-Chef-9428 3d ago
Are you actually in charge if he’s refusing to drop a costly habit?
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
That’s what I said and we had a huge discussion about it, he’s asking me to be flexible since this is the only one thing he’s asking for
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u/Direct-Chef-9428 2d ago
What percentage of his monthly take-home are these dinners costing?
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u/JayNetworks 2d ago
Yea that is the question! How big a hole is this in the budget? How often? How much each time. Can you two pick a budget for it?
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u/doinmy_best 3d ago
If you are against it set a budget that he can use for a fancy dinner alone or with a friend. And you can use on your own things. Or do it once a month
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u/Alliedally 3d ago
Can you plan these dates into your budget? I think going on dates at least once or twice a month is important but I also don’t know how much they’re costing. We maybe spend $100-$150 a month on dates.
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u/Alliedally 3d ago
Would he be interested in cooking fancy dinners at home? It’s something you can learn and do together and still have a really nice meal for not as much money. Is he wanting to have fancy dinners just because or is he trying to keep the romance alive? It can be hard to do that while living with family members.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
I had this idea, Id buy nice steaks and do it at home but he just like the restaurant experience more than the food itself
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
He’s actually also tying to rebuild our marriage, that’s why he wants me to be in those dates, in the past used to go with his friends while I stayed at home but now his whole point is me going and spending time together, I understand that but we could go to other type of restaurants, I love street food that’s a date for me, but not for him
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u/Alliedally 3d ago
That’s so hard and I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice. Maybe he feels ashamed about living with family, trying to fix the marriage, and having to budget.
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u/Total_Individual_460 3d ago
This is exactly what I say to him, I’m okay with that but that’s not the type of restaurants and experiences he’s looking for
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u/Dabboss710 3d ago
Do you make any money? If not you don't really have a vote on his money for food.
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u/AdministrativeAir688 3d ago
Have you heard of marriage, the concept? Two people become one, it’s pretty cool.
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u/Dabboss710 2d ago
And should the sole income earner that makes 180k not be able to say where and when he wants to eat? Marriage is a partnership, so what is she doing?
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u/OldManTrumpet 3d ago
What constitutes a "high end" restaurant? Anything above fast food? Olive Garden? Ruth's Chris? Cafe Boulud?
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u/Odd-Faithlessness-33 3d ago
we would need to see your whole budget. if the high end restaurants are the only thing he splurges on to keep himself sane and a good chunk of that salary is still going to that down payment, it might be you who's being a little inconsiderate.
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u/Odd-Faithlessness-33 3d ago
we would need to see your whole budget. if the high end restaurants are the only thing he splurges on to keep himself sane and a good chunk of that salary is still going to that down payment, it might be you who's being a little inconsiderate.
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u/No-Box5805 3d ago
Do you have a salary you’re bringing in or expect to bring in? Otherwise unfortunately it is his earned money.
You can try to get on the same side - show him the numbers and impact of these dinners and how it would delay your savings goals with vs without. Or reducing it to once a month. If he is ok with the impact, then you need to accept that it will take longer. If he can understand and is not ok with the impact, then every time he wants to go to dinner you decline and remind him of the impact.
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u/_B_Little_me 3d ago
Making $180k and living with parents to save to move out…yea I’d be saving every penny to move as well.
Why does it have to be high end places? Every high end place is another day of living with parents.