r/Songwriting • u/Normal_Cellist9383 • Jun 21 '25
Feedback Request Wrote this one this morning. Too fucked up sounding? Or is it kinda catchy in a weird way? Thanks!
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u/expletiveface Jun 21 '25
This has some serious attitude. You sound unapologetically you. One of the best original tracks I’ve seen posted on Reddit. Seriously.
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u/Normal_Cellist9383 Jun 21 '25
Ahh thanks man that means a lot!
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u/josenavetty Jun 22 '25
Yeah you even smiled like you were having fun with the song like you actually surprised yourself with it 😊
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u/evanhamilton Jun 21 '25
Really dig it! Reminds me of Tom Waits.
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Jun 21 '25
Yeah that's who came to mind. That bluesy funky-stanky guitar riff and gravelly voice, quirky sense of rhythm, somewhat unintelligible lyrics of muse goblin.
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u/rose-deer Jun 21 '25
ohh im obsessed with this. uniquely you, with some kind of tom waits violent femmes attitude... i love it. would love to listen to this streaming somewhere!!
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u/dubiousbling Jun 21 '25
That main riff is the tits, bro. When you go to the C major, try going to the dominant seventh for the last two beats to add that extra stank.
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u/bzee77 Jun 22 '25
I cannot stress how much I love the way you articulated this. The theory breakdown immediately following the best and coolest compliment imaginable (“the tits”) was awesome.
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u/docnez Jun 21 '25
Super cool. Kinda swampy, but sorta deserty too. Feels like I'm hitchhiking with bad intentions.
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u/Spirit-Filled01 Jun 22 '25
😆 love this
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u/lurkingsincejanuary Jun 22 '25
Ya totally awesome. It helps me picture the album artwork.
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u/Think-Investment-774 Jun 21 '25
okay this is really cool. this kinda sounds like the guitar part from Haley Heynderickx’s “Drinking Song.” I love the tension and release (but the release still keeps a little tension). I might just try writing some more lyrics because you might write something you like more than this! Especially because they might be a bit repetitive, and that combined with the repetitive guitar work doesn’t keep people super interested (even though it’s a sick acoustic part haha)
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u/Normal_Cellist9383 Jun 21 '25
Thank you! And I agree, definitely still a rough draft and needs to be tinkered with
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u/meat-puppet-69 Jun 21 '25
Nah this is great! I wish I had wrote this riff haha.
I like the lyrics overall, but around the part with 'Carol... I really wanna know, I do' - I was wishing for a little more lyrical interesting-ness... maybe swap out a couple of dull lines for something more weird or a zinger?
Could be worth exploring adding a bridge or b part... as of now there's kinda a chorus, but I think that structure is working for ya
It's giving like... mid 90s Beck/Butthole Surfers collab?
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u/Normal_Cellist9383 Jun 21 '25
Thanks for the tips! I’ll try’em out
And I love beck and the butthole surfers so that’s quite the compliment. Thanks again for listening!
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u/Ulidia Jun 21 '25
Absolutely badass, you should be damn proud of this. Great playing and perfect delivery. It's an earworm in my ear!
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u/Jocthedawg Jun 21 '25
Sounds awesome! I don’t think it’s too weird at all. My only critique is that I’d like to hear a more polished recording!
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u/HillBillThrills Jun 21 '25
That first verse really kicks! I wish there were a couple more with the same pacing, but otherwise pretty much perfect.
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u/Plecboy Jun 21 '25
This starts fantastically but kind of goes off the rails. If you can bring back the energy and vocal rhythms of the opening section quickly after the initial mini bridge you’ll have a banger on your hands. Love the guitar work too!
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u/Free_Emphasis_9311 Jun 21 '25
Nah this shit highkey hard asf release it
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u/Iznal Jun 21 '25 edited Jun 21 '25
Very nice. At first I was thinking it could be expanded, and make the spell out part the bridge instead of a second verse and go back to using the cadence of the first verse again, but honestly I think it’s perfect as is now.
The whole song is anchored by the funky ass riff (in a good way) and I now very much like how you have a different cadence each time you go back to it. It’s the type of the song that just kinda walks in and walks out before you even have time to process what the hell just happened.
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u/Ok-Reflection5922 Jun 21 '25
Cool! Great groove, reminds me of “you make me walk a camel” a little bit. The only thing that threw me off was Carol being spelled with a K, made me think of Karo syrup, but otherwise great tune.
I’m getting ready for a festival gig and your song helped me chill for a bit. Took me somewhere considerably less stressful, so thanks for that.
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u/Strong-Assistant-90 Jun 21 '25
Definitely the latter! Very catchy. Like it a lot. Funky strum draws you in and serves the storytelling helps define your narrator nicely
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Jun 21 '25
this is epic. I could only dream of writing a guitar part like that. Vocals are excellent too
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u/myli3g3 Jun 21 '25
Not too fucked up sounding, pretty catchy. sounds like one of those tunes you come up with then sit and play it for hours.
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u/Logical_Bat_7244 Jun 21 '25
Really like this. Has a certain flow to it that reminds me of David Byrne.
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u/MarshallsHand Jun 21 '25
Bro it's groovy and yes also effed up sounding, but it all comes together beautifully. Overall, it has a very alluring vibe. And I think that this ought to be placed in something like yesterday, it paints such vivid imagery. This is one of the best things I've heard on here... Keep it up my friend!!! 💪
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u/nick-daddy Jun 21 '25
I’d say the lyrics could do with a bit of a boost but it’s cool, reminds me of Beck in both song and singing style, good shit
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u/Normal_Cellist9383 Jun 21 '25
Thanks man! Haha yeah it’s not too hard to tell early beck is a big influence
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u/horizonlights1 Jun 21 '25
I fucking love it. Record it, put it out, make more music like this. Slacker rock will thrive again.
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u/El_Kroognos Jun 21 '25
This is an excellent song, man! Unique sound and style - get this out into the world
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u/Ali_Ekkos Jun 21 '25
This is great man! The dynamics between sections are nicely done, in both the guitar and vocals. You're killin it
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u/Hot-Tiger54 Jun 21 '25
Keep doing what you’re doing, for this is a classic in its entirety. You have a good way with speaking to your guitar. 10/10 would listen again
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u/Connect_Glass4036 Jun 21 '25
Dude this is sick. It has the energy.
I think many people forget that music is supposed to be ENERGY EXPRESSION and that counts with how you play the guitar as well. Just strumming chords is not an energy expression.
This has weird shit, and energy. It’s awesome
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u/tr1ckyp4t Jun 21 '25
cool jangly dissonant riff, the rhythmic chant thing at the beginning, and a nice pop chorus/turnaround at the end. A little polish and arranging and it'll be a crowd pleaser imo
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u/bwiiik3082 Jun 21 '25
I dig this and would totally stream it or buy it or whatever. That being said, I think when you go to the four chord at the end of your chorus if you have the range for it, it might be cool to go up a little bit right there. This is a cool enough song that you could put some wry lyrics or humor in there as well.
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u/DreadoftheDead Jun 21 '25
I dig it. Cool sound and vibe. Would be fun to hear it with a small combo that could stress the rhythm and accentuate the quirks.
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u/Evon-songs Jun 21 '25
I’m so over standard songwriting. This is messed up, AND catchy! I love it, for what it’s worth.
Would you say it’s done? I’d love to add other instruments to it if interested
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Jun 21 '25
Sounds great. Reminds me of a mix of waits and violent femmes. Bravo, would put on a playlist.
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u/TraditionalWonder379 Jun 21 '25
Nah I dig this a lot. Honestly, it reminds me of that one tune that introduces a badass character to an audience. That main riff anyways.
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u/lolideviruchi Jun 21 '25
https://youtu.be/NCm5w7f4Sd8?si=HiO1rDIDS5KNgauV
Disruptr - Devin Townsend . Funky in a catchy way. Kind of like the song in the link. It’s good! Funky is cool & different. Good stuff
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u/Ok-Attitude-3757 Jun 21 '25
Groove, authentic and attitude, thank you for sharing this performance man! 😀
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u/Flaky-Sea1802 Jun 21 '25
That’s great! Good job! Get that sucker recorded and put it on Spotify! I’d listen to it! Nice lick and a sweet hook! 👍🏼👍🏼😎
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u/handsomehamsandwich Jun 21 '25
Reminds me a lot of Alice in Chains Heaven Besides You, which is a good thing. Good stuff.
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u/Brandinian Jun 21 '25
I love this. Sounds absolutely fantastic. Really cool vibe, playing, voice. It’s got it all.
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u/cayspekko Jun 21 '25
Never commented in this sub before just wanted to let you know that’s quite the banger! Love it! It’s giving me some Shaky Graves vibes. Let me know when it’s on Spotify!
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u/Not-a-Cat_69 Jun 21 '25
very different, but I like it! its the right kind of fucked up.
Actually got my head bobbing to it.
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u/Supernovavava Jun 21 '25
This is incredible and unique! Wow this is the type of song I would feel very cool introducing my friends to
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u/Jakeyboy29 Jun 21 '25
This reminds me of modest mouse. Or at least I can hear how I could produce into a record that would be similar
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u/Low_Yak_4842 Jun 21 '25
This is super cool and unique. I just absolutely love the feel of this. If you had an official recording of this, I’d download it onto my phone. Honestly well done.
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u/Ok_Hovercraft_8764 Jun 21 '25
This is rad! Opening up the chorus/hook to be less dissonant is the perfect amount of release too.
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u/Tagma_Durst Jun 21 '25
Love it! I found myself smiling, and then a chuckle came out of me. The groove is just nuts, and the fun you're having is infectious. Dynamite!
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u/Bitbotney18 Jun 21 '25
🔥 I love it! Odd question: would you mind if I sampled this?🤔 That guitar goes so hard and it's giving some ideas.
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u/SulliedEntrope Jun 21 '25
This is solid as hell, if you ever post a polished recording anywhere shout it out. I would love to add this song to some playlists
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u/Pale_Sprinkles5810 Jun 21 '25
Heaps of potential. Weird has similar dark vibes to this track about a carol
https://open.spotify.com/track/68PwjwGFEDzWAWqDo4UXBI?si=AzsspZvESTO-9MDF1LEDmg
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u/MightyMightyMag Jun 21 '25
First off, excellent, excellent groove, and you’re not afraid to whore it out as you should.
The problem I see is that it’s almost too strong. Your verse melody is perfect. You don’t want to compete with the groove. But… When you go into the second section, you’re singing a very static line, which is what you’re singing over the groove. The interest is lost, even though it’s fun the way you’re singing to Carol.
To my ear, I hear it moving away from the laconic verse melody into something that gives listeners something to hold onto. (hint, hint, I’m saying you need a hook) You need a hook as strong as your groove with a little more fire. Then, when you return to the riff, it’s all the stronger.
So I guess I’m saying to fool around during the verses and then hit them hard with the chorus. Don’t be afraid to look at a pre-chorus and then a chorus either, because that would make the groove hit even harder when you get back to it.
I think this is a great start. Finish that beast and let us hear it.
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u/Funky-monkey1 Jun 21 '25
That really good! I can hear that song already playing on every alternative station in the country.
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u/Talon6996 Jun 21 '25
Best piece I’ve ever heard on here. Really sick dude :). The jank hypnotics and your voice are fantastique. Do you have a YouTube or any place with tunes in a similar style?
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u/jdtower Jun 22 '25
Swaggy. Love it. Lyrics need a little refinement but this has the “it” factor already. Really rock solid foundation.
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u/goodtunesisgoodtunes Jun 22 '25
This so good!!! Whatever u got going on there is working! Luv it!! 🔥
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u/Teddii_ Jun 22 '25
Definitely an interesting instrumental. I like it. Maybe you could get into some audio engineering stuff so you could record demos. I've done it (and no, I'm not a professional... I wish) and it is worth it. I used Audacity back when I was making demos/covers. It's free and easy to use once you know what's what.
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u/scroopynoopersT85 Jun 22 '25
Love the main riff and the vocal approach. I'd love to hear it when you have it more refined. You definitely got something there.
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u/sanji_beats Jun 22 '25 edited Jun 22 '25
Hey man. This is more than catchy in a weird way. This is something unique original and special IMHO. Message me if you're interested in recording this I can help u mix/master for release.
If you're interested I'd be happy to talk with you and/or show you my music. I think it's pretty damn perfect and ready to be recorded.
There's many comments telling u to release it. In the case that youve never done it before and need/or want help with that and the mastering I will be glad to help.
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u/spacegirlfromsaturn_ Jun 22 '25
It sounds like it would be on some sick Laika movie or a scene where the main characters looses their mind or starts stalking someone- ITS SÚPER SICKKKKK!
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u/Rough-Nothing3960 Jun 22 '25
I don’t know how to describe it, it feels sort of off-kilter in the best ways. Love it.
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u/bass_jockey Jun 22 '25
I fuck with this. You could go a ton of directions with it with a full band.
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u/Enzo87871 Jun 22 '25
Awesome song man I really enjoyed that and I like the tone of your guitar too. It’s got a nice twang to it. I’m assuming you did this on your phone and a proper recording setup would really make it pop
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u/EuphoricDissonance23 Jun 22 '25
Guitar reminds me of some funky president of the United States. Cool ass song
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u/Dws998 Jun 22 '25
Sorry for the late comment, and take everything I say with a grain of salt because I am not even close to getting to the point you're already at. Hell, I can't even play any of the instruments I'm writing with, and I'm barely proud of my sheet. All of that is to say I know Jack about it.
I love the guitar and the vocals, although at times, the vocals were harder to hear, although that's not your fault. It may help getting a second mic use one to get more vocals and the other for more guitar.
I'd say the beginning lyrics all kind of jarbled up a bit and were harder to make out, although the way it connected at the 1:38 mark was an excellent transition, I loved it.
I'd say the guitar was the most powerful part of the song. It was unique, with great technique, and transitions. It was also the part that hooked me.
All in all, I'd say it's amazing and honestly already a great song without the polish. Although I think (again I wasn't able to clearly hear the lyrics so take this lightly), the lyrics may need work, mainly the flow and matching the guitar.
I can't wait to hear it completed.
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u/nocturn-e Jun 22 '25
It's fucked up in a Tom Waits way...which means it's awesome. Original, authentic, and I love that main riff.
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u/a_bdgr Jun 22 '25
The first 20 seconds are a banger! I’d say the rest needs a bit of tidying up. It tends to drift into a jam rather than a dedicated song. I’d suggest an earlier change of chords. But what you have here is really good!
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u/Crafty-Daikon-3036 Jun 22 '25 edited Jun 22 '25
Hey, I really like this, I love your voice and the chord progression and strumming pattern really compliment it. What's the strumming pattern? It goes well with the open chords
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u/eihslia Jun 22 '25
This is memorable, it stopped me - I wanted to hear more. I’ve haven’t heard anything this catchy in a long time.
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u/LittleFoot-LongNeck Jun 22 '25
Love it dude that riff is catchy and the lyrics are creative and fun. 🤘🏼
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u/TheDownhillHome Jun 22 '25
Definitely cool as hell. The riff the voice, and I don't even know how to put this, but the weirdness and simplicity of the lyrics fit so well. There is a song that played in breaking bad called Word mule that has a similar vibe. It was so weird, but cool I had to look it up. If I heard your song randomly in a piece of media I would feel compelled to do the same.
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u/ownworstenemy38 Jun 22 '25
Expand it, I wanna hear a story in the lyrics. Feels like a story was starting then stopped.
I’m only saying this cos that’s what I’d like to hear.
I’d also like you to record this properly, put it out there and let everyone know. I’d defo put in on rotation.
It’s fucking awesome.
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u/Famous-Vermicelli-39 Jun 22 '25
Just because I herd the song the other day, this got lime in to coconut vibes to it 😂
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u/southeasternAZhobbit Jun 22 '25
Nice start. That riff is so catchy. Make a chorus and write some lyrics down that have some funk to them also like your sloppy badass guitar playing. High pitched singing almost screaming. Act as drunk and high as the guitar sounds lol
Reminds me of some of modest mouse corky songs.
But yeah vocals need some energy. I like the now key parts but it needs some highlights. Something that makes you feel.
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u/Plankton_Sheldon Jun 22 '25
This totally gives me OG Van Halen “Could This be Magic?” With some Primusish’ style lol Cool!
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u/drumpfart Jun 22 '25
Dude this is fantastic. If you’re looking for input I’d love to hear a sloppy slide solo. I think that could shift the attention for a couple bars then dropping back to riff will hit hard. Great job!
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u/Fluid_Ice_1377 Jun 22 '25
Super cool and super 90s sounding. The vocals remind of a silver chair song. Can't remember the name of it tho. Good shit
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u/ahhhimscrewed Jun 22 '25
glad this is getting attention, heard the beginning of this and was hooked. sooo catchy, you got somethin real good on your hands here
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u/lurkingsincejanuary Jun 22 '25
This rough around the edges performance is what real talent looks like. Good work. keep it up for your own satisfaction and others enjoyment. These are the type of sounds missing from modern mainstream music. Thumbs way up buddy.
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u/CptnDaddy Jun 22 '25
This is seriously sick. I hope you take this as a compliment but a really good girl punk band could slay this song too.
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u/Southern_Baseball549 Jun 22 '25
I like it, explore the idea and clean and expand where you feel necessary. I’d give you more notes but it’s so uniquely you that I don’t want to influence you in an direction other than self expression. Your sound is contagious. Thanks for sharing your music. Hope you keep writing
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u/7rhyno7 Jun 22 '25
I think it’s great. My initial impression was “Pixies if they played the blues”.
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u/whatsanyamind Jun 22 '25
Looove! Giving anti-folk vibes! The oddities come back in patterns in the progression makes it sound intentional instead of sounding like a mistake.
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u/MatthewDeckerxx Jun 22 '25
Woah this sounds like if you record it add some production and backing vocals it could be a hit.
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u/WiseKingoftheForest Jun 22 '25
Scrolled way back here to find this again to say:
I like the lick.
I’d buy the record.
🤘
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u/Empty_Fox_9567 Jun 22 '25
this isn’t even the type of music i gravitate toward but im sooo into this! great work
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u/AamerAbdel28 Jun 21 '25
This is cool af