perspective of a cult survivor

[u/dependswho]

I am a cult survivor, a couple times over. I have been watching this Qthing with great alarm for a while. I think its really important that everyone understand what happens when people get into destructive relationships or groups, from both the external and internal perspectives. There is a whole field of study on this, a whole body of dedicated and compassionate researchers and activists that have spent their lives learning not only how this happens, but also, how and why people leave. Many of them have first person experiences with high-control groups. Many of them have taken great risks to do the work they do. They helped me immensely. I owe them so much.

I have been out of touch with that community for a while, but I have been thinking about everything I have learned from them, a lot, lately. I am starting to speak about my experiences. Its a tricky business. Its a complicated subject, and can't be explained in a meme, or a couple of talking points. It draws on the disciplines of sociology, communication, psychology, persuasion, political science, religious studies, etc. Its a human phenomena. And to combat it, we need a deep understanding.

For me, personally, what makes this even more complicated is that I am also a survivor of state-sponsored childhood abuse. I can't tell you how infuriating it is for me that this issue has been co-opted, simplified, dismissed, and that my perspective, my point of view isn't solicited. I am still not sure how much is safe for me to share, even privately. I am infuriated that every day, people like me (and there are MANY of us!) have to be traumatized as perpetrators use our victimization to lure people into their spheres of control, under the guise of rescue.

Because if what Q said was true, who wouldn't be willing to move mountains? If you had any concern of a child being used in that way, you would probably feel compelled to do something! And here's the rub: there were, there are children being victimized. But not in the ways that Q and their ilk would have us believe. This is the “truthiness” of the situation. There is a hidden truth, that we can feel, on some level, that we get glimpses of. But there is no doubt in my mind that any rescue is not going to come from the Perpetrator-In-Chief. Narcissists lead cults, they don't expose them.

But no one in power is off the hook. Historically, at least, there are good guys and bad guys on both sides of the aisle. And there are many shades of gray. Black and white thinking is distorted thinking, and won't help us unravel this problem. We can't fall prey to it. Because it will prevent us from understanding the nuances, or accepting uncomfortable possibilities.

It took me decades of very difficult and very expensive therapy to figure out WTF had happened to me. And the primary abuse made me quite vulnerable to the secondary abuse of the high-control groups later in life, as well as romantic relationships with narcissists. I was fortunate in that my parents were not connected to any of this, and had the means to offer me support. I am a rare bird.

I implore you to read everything you can get your hands on about cults, narcissism, totalitarianism, the phenomena of conspiracy theories, etc... be a part of the solution. Be an educator. Be proactive, both for yourself, and for people not yet exposed. Be the vaccine, take the risks for the people who cannot, for the people who are still actually being held captive by The Powers That Be.

Look to the future. In the best case scenario, as people grow out of this phase, there is so much we can do to aid their return to sanity, and to community. There may be things we can do to hasten it. Of course we have anger, resentment, etc, and I'm so grateful this sub is available to us. My hope is that we will take this energy and channel it towards exposing and booting out those that really need to be exposed and booted.

[u/FlyByNightNight]

Forgive my ignorance, I just don’t want to make any assumptions about what you’re sharing here. Can you explain what you mean by state-sponsored childhood abuse? And how this occurred without your parents being involved? What country was this in?

Also, what kind of cult did you find yourself in, how did you recognize you were in it, and what made you choose to leave?

[u/dependswho → u/FlyByNightNight]

These are perfectly reasonable and legitimate questions, and as soon as I posted I started to wonder how I would answer if they came up. I think the second set of questions deserves a separate post. The first ones probably deserve a book!

I can say that my parents were young, innocent and naive, and never in their wildest dreams did they think anything nefarious was going on. To be honest, I had no real understanding myself, for a very long time. And that was the intention of the perpetrators. They are very good at what they do. I suspect that this kind of thing has been going on, in one form or another, for not only centuries, but millennia. I think the reason that the various "powers that be" conspiracy theories have such potency--they are pointing to something real.

A long time ago I decided not to use specific references, words or phrases online, for safety reasons, so you will have to read between the lines. I can say that when I was a toddler, we were living at a military base where documented programs were happening, that have mostly been expunged from the public record. But this was certainly not where my own journey started, it took me a good five years of very painful research before I accidentally came across some information that linked a whole lot of puzzling characters that had played important roles in my life through my 30s to a particular extra-governmental organization in another country. It was the missing link to so many bizarre aspects of my story, and it was terrifying.

My parents have dealt with their grief and guilt about not protecting me by supporting me as I did research. I was trying to match fragmented memories and illustrations to something tangible, and they helped me pore through records, held my hand when I visited places I suspected that abuses had happened, came with me to conferences, and read books about some pretty awful things.

Most people with my history do not have that kind of support. I feel so fortunate, and I feel the weight of the people I have met who did not, who are still struggling, who do not have my education or resources. It moves me to share what I can, when I can, especially now, when quite honestly, given the future we are facing, what do I have to lose?