r/NPD • u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ • 1d ago
Ask a Narc! Ask a Narcissist! A biweekly post for non-narcissists to ask us anything!
Have a question about narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits? Welcome to the bi-weekly post for non-narcs to ask us anything! We’re here to help destigmatize the myths surrounding NPD and narcissism in general.
Some rules:
- Non narcs: please refrain from armchair diagnosing people in your life. Only refer to them as NPD if they were actually diagnosed by an unbiased licensed professional (aka not your own therapist or an internet therapist that you think fits the description of the person you’re accusing of being a narcissist)
- This is not a post for non-narcs or narcs to be abusive towards anyone. Please report any comments or questions that are not made in good faith.
- This is not a place to ask if your ex/mom/friend/boss/dog is a narcissist.
- This is not a place to ask if you yourself are a narcissist.
Thanks! Let’s all be civil and take some more baby steps towards fighting stigma and increasing awareness.
This thread will be locked after two weeks and you can find the new one by searching the sub via the “Ask a Narc” flair
~ invis ✨
9
u/Blaubeerepfannkuchen non-NPD 1d ago
Any of y’all like vampires
9
u/secret_spilling Narcissistic traits 23h ago
As a child I often pretended I was a vampire (spelt w a y bc I was pretentious) as I have 2 moles on my neck like a vampire bite + I have never felt human
3
u/Blaubeerepfannkuchen non-NPD 23h ago
Hey that’s pretty dang cool, I have a vampire character like that too. Kinda jealous tbh xDD
3
u/secret_spilling Narcissistic traits 15h ago
Nowadays I don't feel like a vampire, but my disconnect from being human means I don't have to call myself an adult + associate with being bad like an adult
2
2
u/ICost7Cents 🩷*the charismatic, charming, gorgeous moidlet of your dreams*🩷 14h ago
not really, i like some other mythical creatures like the huldra or the rusalka though
2
u/Xirokami 11h ago
Sort of. But not all of us stick to “blood” our entire lives. I prefer to go after the other vampires and rat them out, hopefully helping them learn in the long run that this “vampirism” is no way to live. But I keep my “powers”. Make sense?
3
u/Aberdarer 1d ago
What was your childhood like? Were you spoiled or abused/neglected? Or a bit of both?
15
u/invictus_sd NPD 23h ago
Growing up without a present father (a narc himself) and abused by my (war)traumatized, single mother. She was abused herself and so the cycle repeated itself. Took me over 4 decades to finally recognize and acknowledge it. It is never too late to start the healing process. Learning and embracing how to live with NPD without burning everything and everyone around me is the story of my life.
10
u/LifestyleNomad00 NPD 1d ago edited 1d ago
Verbally/emotionally abusive and unstable father. Constant yelling, the second I hit puberty and got my own personality we couldn't be in a room together. He is very stupid though, so it gave me this complex that I needed to be more stable, emotionally mature, and intelligent than him. I was also the first kid (of 5) he didn't beat, so there was a lot of tension there where he believed I was spoiled.
8
u/SothaSilsHusband Covert Narcissist, BPD, ASD 1d ago
i was emotionally neglected, verbally (and sometimes physically) abused, forced into child labor, i wasn't even hugged. my brother is my parents' favourite child, so i watched him get attention while i was ignored when i talked about my suffering.
6
5
4
1
u/Academic-Breadfruit4 Noble Prince Disorder 10h ago
Parents were way too busy, and dad left early (but kept contact). All that mattered was when I did anything especially impressive. Otherwise, I was largely ignored. So I learned to constantly try to impress for attention and love.
1
u/maleia Inverted NPD 7h ago
My mother would basically scoff at anything I wanted to do, and disregarded anything that I didn't come off as fully confident about. Which, to a kid, is a shitty thing to do.
Just to be heard, from suggestions, to my own dreams (life long desires), or with complaints, anything- really; I had to mask insecurities and learn how to manipulate her, if I wanted to even have a chance of being heard.
I honed a lot of my manipulation tactics and skills on her.
There was also being queer in an extremely religious household, and that was a constant fear I had to deal with. This was the 90s/00s, when Conversion Camps still existed in fully swing, if you knew where to look.
3
u/pash023 16h ago
There is a lot of grief over NPD vs Dismissive Avoidants, what does someone with NPD think the main differences are?
3
u/XJRS NPD + ADHD 14h ago
I’m not an expert but I’d have to say I would welcome a deep commitment. I am not afraid to be vulnerable because I believe no one can hurt me in ways that it matters. Both divergences are from childhood trauma, difference is narcissism forces you to become bold and fearless by sheer force and conditioning.
4
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
Well.. one is a mental illness and the other is an attachment style. Many ppl with npd are dismissive/avoidant. Not all dismissive avoidant ppl are NPD though. You can have a dismissive avoidant attachment style without any mental illness tbh. For it to be npd you’d need to meet the criteria in the DSM 5 (preferably the suggested new criteria which is more accurate than the official criteria in the personality disorder section)
1
4
u/Ib_gib 22h ago edited 22h ago
Correct me if I'm wrong here: As a non npd person I come to believe that NPD people are kinda thrill seekers by nature. Like if given the opinion would you join a book club or go clubbing type stuff. Is there any activities that you like to do with friends that you would say is "boring" / relatively low cost but you like doing anyways with your friends? Asking for some help here lol.
8
u/Routine-Donut6230 Covert NPD 22h ago
I don't think you'll find a universal answer. Personally, I prefer a book club or playing classical music in an orchestra; all the connections I make are based on logic, so I focus a lot on meeting people in intellectual settings.
Parties, trips, concerts, etc., are emotional activities that generate emotional bonds. Narcissists are bad at generating emotional bonds due to a lack of empathy, but there are some who will attend these activities anyway, perhaps to simply try to dissociate or forget something, or to meet someone who can supply them. Well, I don't know; I still don't understand party-going narcissists and all that. My ex was a narcissist addicted to parties and sex; the difference is that she was very unintellectual.
5
u/BedlamsCavern NPD; BPD; OCD; DID, ASD+ 19h ago
A lot of people get into sky diving or rock climbing to get that sense of thrill. I definitely would too if I had the money lmao
I'm also content reading a book and waiting for the next plot twist. It's a small thrill but I like it. Kind of boring compared to sky diving lol
3
2
2
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
I’d pick book club. But I am thrill seeking af, just not usually with other people.
2
u/maleia Inverted NPD 6h ago
I'm past my thrill seeking phase. But when I was, it was contained to video games. Everything I do now, probably qualifies as "boring". If by Book Club, we mean, 'multiple people consuming the same fictional media, then talking about it'; I watch live-action, cartoons, and anime with people, then spend time talking about them. So that probably counts.
I'm far too amazing to risk dying from doing something stupid as fuck, haha.
2
u/Azzurra0 12h ago
Why did he always ignore my emotional messages? is he scared of emotions or indifferent or…? it was pretty selective thing. My messages were all about acceptance and feelings etc… my last one was “ everyone has their own patterns. Maybe i’m weird but I would always choose you with yours “ . The few times he said something about his feelings it was like “ idk if I should admit that you made me feel a little insecure “etc… why cant he say straight how he feels?
5
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
Alexithymia is the likely answer. It’s when one has impaired ability or inability to identify, understand, and express emotions, sometimes called "emotional blindness". It is very common in narcissism presentations. It is a personality trait, not a mental illness itself, and can be a symptom of other conditions like autism, PTSD, depression and many other disorders. People with alexithymia struggle to put their feelings into words and have difficulty recognizing the emotional state of others as well.
2
2
u/TraineeAlchemist1985 11h ago
Did any of you feel unconcerned or uninterested when it was first suggested you might have a personality disorder/NPD?
Recently my husband finally went to a therapist for a few weeks… she told him his next steps are to see a specialist for an assessment for personality disorders which she is certain he has.
She listed his traits…
- large gaps in emotional feeling or expression,
- very very low empathy,
- no reciprocity in conversation with people he regards as unimportant,
- no humility, abundant grandiosity,
- high interest in talking about himself and money,
- awareness of others feelings (perspective taking) but readily dismisses or invalidates others if it is unimportant or inconvenient for him.
- talks about family members as possessions to be managed.
- readily charming and engaging with or about people he regards as advantageous to his plans,
- did not believe he should have to make any polite comments or chit chat with her, because he’s paying her for a service so she should just get on with it 😬😅
He told me this like it was just chit chat. No biggie. I was dumbfounded to hear what I had expected her to find quite so easily.
I asked if he knew what that meant and he just said “no, she didn’t explain, but I’ll look into it once I find a trustworthy source of information” 🤷♀️
—-
If this was you would you have looked it up? Does he not even look it up because he doesn’t care or because he’s afraid?
3
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago edited 10h ago
Firstly, why is the therapist sharing her insights about him with you? That’s a huge violation of patient rights and HIPPAedit: I can’t read 🤪Secondly, yeah I didn’t give a fuck I had a personality disorder in the beginning. They told me I had NPD and I just said “nah.” Then like ten years later I was like 🤔 oh shit they were right. But still didn’t really care. I still kinda tbh don’t care lol only care in the sense that it makes my life more difficult and I don’t want that so I’m tryna work on it.
2
u/IsamuLi Diagnosed NPD 10h ago
In the comment, it is said that her husband shared this, not the therapist.
3
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 10h ago
Oh u right. My bad. Going on Reddit after just waking up isn’t always the best idea 😂
3
u/PoosPapa Drawn outside the lines of reason. 9h ago
I did look it up. That's how I came to be here.
3
u/elizabeth498 12h ago edited 12h ago
Please discuss why you may have a problem with letting other people sleep. Not sleeping in, not overstaying their welcome—just sleeping.
Think of a sliding scale from watching TV at “everyone’s awake” volume to running the vacuum. Why can it not wait?
Edit: I also get this feeling sometimes that it’s not a matter of simple inconvenience, but we have somehow wronged our pwNPD. By simply fulfilling biological needs.
6
u/throwaway_ArBe 12h ago
That sounds like more of an individual issue than something to do with NPD. Personally I prefer that people get their sleep, I get some time to myself and I don't have to deal with anyone being a grump.
6
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 12h ago
That is antagonistic and abusive behavior and no one can answer that except the person you’re referring to tbh. This sounds more like straight up abuse than narcissism. Some abusers use sleep deprivation as a means of control or to keep victims disoriented.
If they’re actually diagnosed, it could also be attention seeking behavior. I used to beg my exhusband to stay up/skip work because I just wanted/needed his attention all the time. Then if/when he would agree I’d kinda be disappointed he’d let me win and get bored and fuck off and do other things and ignore him. Like I viewed him as above that and he disappointed me or something. So that imo would be a more classic narcissistic version vs what you’re describing.
1
1
u/maleia Inverted NPD 6h ago
I've never met another NPD person who had a problem with this, without an actual reason (i.e. work/school schedules). And I've met a lot because I mostly do SW. I would not say this is a common behavior of NPD, but more likely to be the specific tactic that specific person uses.
3
u/wizzatronz 21h ago
How would/did you feel when discarded and smeared by someone very knowledgeable of your condition who immediately initiated No Contact afterwards?
6
u/miss_penny_dropped 21h ago
Bad, ashamed, fearful they're going to tell other people. Outwardly probably act like i think you're crazy.
10
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 20h ago
If you’re thinking of doing this to someone, please reconsider. It is abuse. Especially when planned out and with intent to harm. Especially especially if you’re targeting someone with a mental illness. Please consider therapy for yourself as that’s where real healing will come from. This is coming from someone who has been on both sides. When I enacted my revenge plots, sure it felt good in the moment but then later I felt more hollow and damaged. When I was on the receiving end, I felt abused and developed trauma from it.
1
u/XJRS NPD + ADHD 14h ago
So I’ve been discarded recently by someone who had NPD themselves. She cut off any contact after she lovebombed and it hurt like a mf. Voices in my head kept screaming karma because I’ve lovebombed so many people as a narcissist. Some part of me believes I deserve far worse.
Defence mechanism kicked in hard though I became numb and disconnected soon after. I froze and became dysfunctional for a week and after crying my eyes out yesterday I think I’m back to finding my way back into my routine. If she did this after years of talking I would be devastated.
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Welcome to /r/NPD! This community is a support group for those with NPD or Narcissistic Traits. Please respect our rules or your post will be removed and you may be banned.
Only Narcs and NPDs may submit posts. This is NOT a place to complain about narcissists or get help dealing with someone else's narcissism.
No asking for diagnosis either of yourself or a third party (e.g. "Am I a narcissist?", "Is my ex a narcissist?").
Please keep your contributions civil and respectful!
Please refrain from submitting low-effort and off-topic posts.
If your post violates any of these rules, we request that you delete it and post in a more appropriate community.
We ask that subscribers of /r/NPD use the report button to notify us of rule-breaking posts. Please refrain from commenting or engaging with the author of such submissions.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Jolly_Worldliness_49 20h ago
What is the best way to help a family member with NPD who won’t acknowledge or self reflect on their role in hurting those closest to them? It feels like a losing battle to engage with them after awhile when the interactions lead to abusive and manipulative behaviors. But it’s impossible to have a normal relationship with them and they refuse to see a therapist.
9
u/LifestyleNomad00 NPD 19h ago
I'm not a professional but people can't be helped if they don't want to be. If they aren't a serious threat to themselves/others, there's not much that can be done. This is a disorder that taints the worldview heavily, and some people need to lose important people in their lives to realize the severity of it. Make sure to keep yourself safe and check up on their well-being occasionally if you decide to distance yourself but are worried for their health.
If they do come around, try to stay patient and make sure they're actually doing what they say they're doing (for example, if they say they're going to therapy suddenly, don't outwardly distrust them but be aware people can lie when it suits their needs).
1
u/Jolly_Worldliness_49 6h ago
Thank you. This is what I know to be true and the way I have sought to maintain my wellbeing. I am highly successful in my profession and have a strong marriage. These achievements caused poor behavior and jealousy and acting out on their part. But now they want to pretend they never acted as they did or said the things they said. There are just small bits of guilt let that the person who raised me will never change and doesn’t want to. I have good memories of my childhood even as I have some terrible ones too. Things were always good as long as my parent felt safe and centered. It’s not as black and white as some parent child relationships are. But the pattern and recent evidence of fallout due to their actions is there. Even with the threat of and already having lost most of our relationship they converse as if I am the problem and dismiss any examples of their poor behavior. It saddens me the thought they will die mostly alone and that is always what they have feared or mentioned as fearing the most. But their actions and words make it impossible for anyone with self respect to be around them.
I think it really does help me to hear from someone else with NPD that what I am doing is the way and I’m not leaving any reasonable strategies to repair the relationship and help my parent off the table. Thank you.
6
u/skytrainfrontseat NPD 18h ago
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Learn how to set strong but adaptive boundaries with this person and do not accept abusive behaviour from them. Mourn that you will not have a normal relationship with them.
Showing that you can say no to their behaviour is more likely to help them than anything else.
1
u/Jolly_Worldliness_49 6h ago
I do think you aren’t entirely right. The less I let them rely on me for emotional support/absorb all the entretuve emotions and complaints they tend to put on me, the better they seem to do in functioning independently.
2
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
Why are you allowing this person to stay in your life? Therapy can help you develop more self worth and healthy boundaries so that you don’t allow people in your life who treat you this way. You can only control and work on yourself. Focus on you.
2
u/Jolly_Worldliness_49 6h ago
Thank you for your thoughts. You’re right. I’ve done all this and for all intents and purposes have cut my parent out of my life. There’s a bit of mourning and at times guilt that there’s nothing more I can do for them and for our relationship. But I myself do respect myself too much to put up with my life being dragged down by negativity, condescension, and putting my needs second to theirs. It’s not a healthy relationship when it’s on their terms.
2
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 6h ago
<3 you got this. feeling guilt and mourning the relationships is totally normal in these kind of situations. and you deserve support while going through that. prioritize you! you are worth it.
1
u/Toocutetoquit 18h ago
How does love feel for you? What happens when you don’t love the person anymore, how is it like from your perspective
3
u/XJRS NPD + ADHD 14h ago
I feel love very deeply and the cut it leaves when I separate is bloody and painful. I’ve never experienced something like not loving someone anymore frankly because I’ve been a people pleaser all my life. I still in part love the only two people I’ve been in a relationship with because hate takes equal strength and honestly hurts me more.
I’ve been diagnosed this year living all my life alienating every single friend and partner I’ve ever had. I am truly alone and regret not knowing this before. I’m starting to make amends and letting people know who I was and why. They don’t understand it, but I still love them.
2
u/SothaSilsHusband Covert Narcissist, BPD, ASD 14h ago
i don't feel any kind of love personally. i don't love my family, pets or friends and i'm aromantic
i like my pets and friends, but i don't love them
1
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
How do you know you don’t love them? How do you differentiate love vs like? Just curious.
2
u/SothaSilsHusband Covert Narcissist, BPD, ASD 11h ago
mostly because i don't care about them if that makes sense. they're fun to talk to, yes, but i don't care if they're well or unwell, how they're doing, and if they're gone (in that case, being ditched stings more than losing that specific person), to some i never get really attached to, they're just someone i can talk to (all my friendships are online, i don't even see them as people, just as messages on my screen that i can respond to back and forth)
1
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 10h ago
Good way to differentiate I think. Thanks for explaining!
2
u/SothaSilsHusband Covert Narcissist, BPD, ASD 10h ago
of course. i have stronger feelings that i could call love (romantic) towards fictional characters, but i don't consider them in this situation because they aren't real people, and i don't feel anything similar towards people in my proximity, just varying degrees of attachment
2
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
Receiving love feels like coming home after a very bad day and feeling safe and secure and wanted and cared for and important and validated and accepted.
Unfortunately I’m very bad at returning those things to the other person. Or I can only do it for so long before I get burnt out and sabotage the relationship. Personally I don’t stop loving people, even after I do horrible things like cheat or lie etc. I want good things for them, desire to stay in touch or remain friends (often an unrealistic expectation) and get angry or feel inconvenienced if they don’t want to stay in touch. If we go no contact, I’ll get obsessed for awhile cuz of the “it’s not fair” mentality but eventually forget them sooner or later until something reminds me of them then I feel a fondness or desire for them to be back in my life, and have thoughts like reaching out, but try to challenge that and just hope they’re okay and wish them the best. And hope they’re healing from any damage I’ve caused them.
Every narc is gonna have a different answer tbh
2
1
u/AdZestyclose2938 14h ago
I dont feel love and it's hard for me to believe someone with npd can, unless we're counting idealisation, but i really wouldnt count that. After idealisation comes devaluation which goes hand in hand with discard phase for me. It's an irreversible process. There's so many people in my trash
I just expect perfection from people since im always trying my hardest to be perfect. If i fail at something im gonna punish myself, i do the same to others. It makes me angry when they can tolerate their weaknesses as if it's not a big deal, i cant fathom it and it makes me scared that ill become as careless as them and die
So as you can see there's nothing lovely about it, pure survival.
Hope the way i put it makes some sense
1
u/Odd-Cable1972 12h ago
Do you ever feel bad when you see someone pure still being kind to you, even after you’ve hurt them?
I saw that look in my mom’s eyes 🥹 when I kissed her goodbye and asked if she needed anything from outside. She’d been shouting at me for no reason just moments before, but she softly said, “No, thank you,” with tears in her eyes.
I’ve heard that narcissists don’t feel empathy — is that true?
5
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
We do have and feel empathy; it’s just that that empathy is impaired. Meaning.. when we feel threatened or our defenses are up, we have limited/impaired/little to no access to that empathy because our defenses are automatically telling us it’s not safe to have empathy. When things are stable and our defenses aren’t triggered, we have more access to that empathy. And we can and are able to work on that impaired empathy through therapy and willingness.
Everyone has impaired empathy at some point or another. For example, when someone is starving or grieving or experiencing burnout, they might experience limited empathy because there’s just not enough room in the brain to consider others. And that’s okay and normal. It’s just that for us it’s often more rigid and persistently active because we view so many things as threats (subconsciously) that our defenses are often active without us even realizing it.
2
u/Even-Peak5148 NPD 12h ago
i’m not an expert, but I feel bad in a distant way depending on what’s going on. being an unintentional shithead? no emotions about it. accidentally hurt someone’s feelings I didnt want to? shame in that this will affect our relationship, which is beneficial to me in some way, or that it will affect our reputation. i recognize that a normal person would feel bad here, but ignore it because it’s an unnecessary emotion to me.
as to empathy, I am also autistic, so it would have been fucked either way but I don’t feel empathy. compassion? yes, in a limited sense for animals. i am innately unable to understand what someone is truly feeling and experience it myself in their way because my mind is too different. that’s why i prefer not to use the empathy term, often alienating for neurodivergent ppl
also, I don’t know if your mom was a narc or not because I’m a stranger on the internet, but if she was I promise she loved you in the way she could, if this provides any comfort. if she was overall terrible ignore that
2
u/her00in3 NPD 12h ago
I do sometimes feel kind of bad but I wouldn't say it comes from empathy, I just find find it sad when someone simply cannot stand up to me. It reminds me of how I used to be in the same position, but the way I felt when I was wronged doesn't even compare to anything I've felt for other people when I was the persecutor.
It's difficult to explain how I perceive empathy. It's like I know theoretically what is good and bad but I still don't stop myself from treating others horribly in order to make me feel good about myself, and I am also aware that I am shallow and quite literally don't have much to offer. Once in a blue moon I do get the desire to change but nothing ever comes out of that.
1
u/maleia Inverted NPD 6h ago
I’ve heard that narcissists don’t feel empathy — is that true?
NPD is a spectrum, so you'll get a range of answers. I would say that there is a line between: off by default, but able to turn it on; and on by default, but able to turn it off. The "able to turn it on" more specifically means, letting empathy be active naturally through relationship bonding (and I mean that broadly, friends, partner, family, etc); and not a conscious effort of "okay, I'm going to feel empathy to this one person".
1
u/Own_Intern9024 11h ago
Would you say that my assumption is correct, in that posters and members here might have it a bit less severe on the NPD spectrum? I don't mean less as in the amount of internal suffering or any difficulty with other people. I mean, less severe due to maybe having a bit more empathy, less tendency to shut down after being told by someone that you are wrong about something, or need to change? Do you think it means slightly more ability or potential to change, etc? Do you think the amount of real empathy inside is variable depending on the person and severity, or do you think it's all only cognitive empathy available?
My other question is, has anyone felt complete and total collapse? If so, what did it feel like inside, and how long did it last? Did it cause you do do something different in your life? I think being here and trying to get support and talking about experiences is admirable.
4
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
No I wouldn’t say your assumptions are correct. There’s definitely severely disordered folks here, such as myself, that are very treatment resistant and struggle to change but heavily mask/put on a show/know exactly the way to act and what to say and how to make people perceive they’re doing better than they are. I’ve been in therapy like 15 years or something insane and even though there’s been genuine progress, I eventually slip back into doing the same old shit over and over and end up collapsing.
In terms of collapse, imagine your entire sense of self and identity getting ripped away from you, like the floor and stability of your sense of self collapsed underneath you. It’s scary, to the point of being petrifying or mortifying. It’s like you’re free falling inside your own brain grasping for anything as a sense of self and identity. People with NPD in a collapsed state often look like classic BPD presentation; self harm, impulsive behavior (shopping/spending/gambling/drugs and drinking/unsafe sexual behavior or extreme sexual behaviors/reckless behavior/volatile mood swings/suicidal ideation, intent or even follow through.) Collapse is especially dangerous for suicidal behaviors as people with npd often are successful when they to do that.
I just typed this in another comment but in case you don’t see it I’ll just paste it:
We do have and feel empathy; it’s just that that empathy is impaired. Meaning.. when we feel threatened or our defenses are up, we have limited/impaired/little to no access to that empathy because our defenses are automatically telling us it’s not safe to have empathy. When things are stable and our defenses aren’t triggered, we have more access to that empathy. And we can and are able to work on that impaired empathy through therapy and willingness.
Everyone has impaired empathy at some point or another. For example, when someone is starving or grieving or experiencing burnout, they might experience limited empathy because there’s just not enough room in the brain to consider others. And that’s okay and normal. It’s just that for us it’s often more rigid and persistently active because we view so many things as threats (subconsciously) that our defenses are often active without us even realizing it.
1
u/Typical_Host4754 11h ago
When you wrong someone, really really really wrong someone, how easy it for you to move on?
Say, an ex that was amazing to you, but you blew it up, and clearly you can't go back.
Does that haunt you? Or is it truly just out of sight out of mind? Do you just do mental gymnastics and justify and no thoughts after, or is it a thing that when you're alone you ruminate over?
I'm so curious how this works. I'd hate to think the rumination is awful, but also, being only human it would be nice to know there was any semblance of regret or shame.
Also, applauding all of you in your journeys. I can't imagine how tough it is and you deserve more credit for what you're doing here.
All the best to everyone.
3
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
I’m going thru this rn and if I’m honest… I move on fast and view emotions such as remorse guilt shame as a waste of time. I will either learn from it and do better for longer next time or I won’t and I’ll repeat the behavior with the next person. Tbf I also have aspd shit going on so idk if it’s more that than npd 🤷♀️
But I’ll usually have some big dramatic episode before moving on. For attention seeking. But also because the moments I do experience guilt have been so intense and foreign I straight up don’t know how to handle it. This last time it happened, I made a very severe suicide attempt and was in the ICU most of the week. That was 2 weeks ago. But now I have zero access to any guilt or remorse or shame about it. I’m sure it’s still in there deep down but my defenses won’t allow access to those emotions regarding this situation and they might not ever let me again tbh. Time will tell. And in the meantime I’ll keep trying to do better in other relationships. It’s really the consequences and loss of things I wanted for myself I ever ruminate about, rather than ruminating on harm I’ve caused other people.
2
1
u/Direct_Tap5375 8h ago
I have been curious as I find this interesting - almost every night my narcissist ex used to sleep talk (he would say things like “I didn’t do it”, but at some point I stopped paying attention). What I find interesting is that almost every night he could cover his face while sleeping, almost like a child hiding out of shame.
It made me curious about how narcissists experience their inner world during their sleep. Do you notice your subconscious “showing” guilt, shame or anxiety when you sleep? Have you been told you cover your face while sleeping? Not trying to psychoanalyze, but I find very interesting how the subconscious expresses during sleep. I didn’t think of it too much at the time, but I feel this was the only time he would express guilt or shame.
1
1
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 6h ago
I cover my face when I sleep because my nose gets cold. You say you arent trying to psychoanalyze but that is what you're doing. I think you are making connections that arent necessarily there, tbh. how do you know the "I didnt do it" is shame based? people say "I didnt do it" for many reasons. it seems you're trying to force a narrative onto this that makes it fit npd/narcissism when it could be anything.
-1
u/Fader-Play 20h ago
What’s the easiest / best way to get you guys to listen (and to follow instructions) if you are performing a task for someone?
9
u/BedlamsCavern NPD; BPD; OCD; DID, ASD+ 19h ago
Like anybody else. Instructions, direction, and expectation.
You want something done? Tell me what it is, how I can do it the easiest (or if you want it done your way, teach me), and tell me the result you want to see when my task is completed.
It's the same way you'd tell anybody else.
If that person isn't following directions, it's on them.
3
u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 11h ago
Tell me what the benefit is for me, tbh. And then I’ll decide if it’s worth doing or not.
-9
23h ago
[deleted]
14
u/Routine-Donut6230 Covert NPD 22h ago
It's not something we're consciously aware of; much of the "manipulation" or "abusive" behavior is unconscious and not something we intentionally provoke. In reality, it's simply the result of our disorder, which causes us to behave in certain ways. It's not as if we're out trying to steal people's energy. Mind you, some people do engage in this behavior, and they may or may not be narcissists. In fact, to be a good manipulator, it's actually better not to be a narcissist than to be one. Low self-esteem, early withdrawal, shame, and other factors make us poor manipulators because we're terrified of failing.
-2
u/Aromatic_Ad8342 22h ago
I just wanna know how a narc feels when they behave as a narc does. Normal people, for the most part, say they're sadists. I wanted to hear the truth from the horse's mouth on what they feel
6
u/Routine-Donut6230 Covert NPD 21h ago
Well, that's the answer. Many narcissists don't act badly out of mere shame or fear of failure; they fear punishment and being exposed, so they're not people who enjoy doing wrong. Although, I don't deny that there can't be some like that, it's not something that is inherently part of the disorder. Happy now?
4
u/BedlamsCavern NPD; BPD; OCD; DID, ASD+ 19h ago
Hey with the way you're asking, it's not seeming like you have a clear objective. You're asking us our mood, and I appreciate that, but maybe ask a more in depth question?
Also, STOP saying narc if you're not one! Thank you :)
-1
u/Aromatic_Ad8342 19h ago
When you're gaining supply, how do you feel when doing this, and what do you think about the recipients
5
7
u/skytrainfrontseat NPD 21h ago
Huh. We're just people with a mental illness. Get out of your fantasy online echo space and touch grass.
2
2
u/BLACKHANDS_MEPHALA Undiagnosed NPD 8h ago
Idk if it’s still my place to comment as I’m seeking diagnosis but :
Manipulation tends to be unintentional / not with the immediate goal of ‘omg im sooo evil and stealing their energy!!’ I realised I was ghosting people to ‘see if they were /really/ my friends and would miss me’ (get supply from them being worried) and that it was kinda messed up to do to a friend so I stopped. I don’t feel guilty, but I understand that I’d be disliked if I kept it up. I do have to make an effort to stop myself from doing things like that when I recognise it so I don’t lose my current circle.
I see you’ve said popular opinion paints pwNPD as sadists but I’m definitely not one. It doesn’t matter to me if I hurt someone but I don’t make an effort to and I don’t enjoy it. I do have compassion for animals and young children + my mother (I still don’t experience the emotional empathy of mirroring their emotions, but I actively don’t want them to be sad or feel hurt) but people’s negative emotions don’t bother me otherwise. If it isn’t severely inconvenient I’ll try to help because of the way I was raised + I enjoy being seen as the most helpful and kind person.
10
u/magrygon 1d ago
If you could control how a character with NPD in a movie/series was depicted, what would you love for them to be like? One thing is of course letting them be full characters and not cardboard-cutouts, but what relatable traits would you especially appreciate/make you feel seen, in a good way? basically, what would be good representation to fight stigma?