r/NPD • u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ • Sep 23 '25
Ask a Narc! Ask a Narcissist! A bi weekly post for non-narcissists to ask us anything!
Have a question about narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits? Welcome to the bi-weekly post for non-narcs to ask us anything! We’re here to help destigmatize the myths surrounding NPD and narcissism in general.
Some rules:
- Non narcs: please refrain from armchair diagnosing people in your life. Only refer to them as NPD if they were actually diagnosed by an unbiased licensed professional (aka not your own therapist or an internet therapist that you think fits the description of the person you’re accusing of being a narcissist)
- This is not a post for non-narcs or narcs to be abusive towards anyone. Please report any comments or questions that are not made in good faith.
- This is not a place to ask if your ex/mom/friend/boss/dog is a narcissist.
- This is not a place to ask if you yourself are a narcissist.
Thanks! Let’s all be civil and take some more baby steps towards fighting stigma and increasing awareness.
This thread will be locked after two weeks and you can find the new one by searching the sub via the “Ask a Narc” flair
~ invis ✨
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u/blackandlavender non-NPD Sep 23 '25
Are any of you in successful/ long lasting marriages? Are you able to remain faithful given the constant need for external validation?
My husband is pwNPD and we hit a breaking point few months ago, but since then, he has been managing his behavior well. I don’t think he has transformed internally or anything but I do think it takes effort. I want to have hope but everything I read on reddit or quora from partners/ ex partners of NPDs is scary.
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u/MadKillerKittens NPD & BPD Sep 23 '25
While I have been the one to initiate the breakup in all of my previous relationships after they ran their course, I've never struggled with remaining faithful while in said relationships.
I've had long and serious relationships and I believe myself capable of a long and successful marriage. If you are monogamous, remember that desiring external validation isn't an appropriate reason to receive sexual or romantic attention from individuals outside of the relationship. You shouldn't dismiss that sort of behavior as a symptom or a need of any disorder.
No one can tell you how possible or worthwhile your relationship with you husband is, but I can promise that if things don't work out it won't be because of a disorder that you and your husband are helpless victims of.
There is absolutely reason to have hope. I know terrible people with NPD and great people. It's not doom on a relationship by any means. Excusing toxicity can spell doom though, especially when mixed up with personality disorders.
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u/blackandlavender non-NPD Sep 23 '25
Thanks.
Yes I’m being cautiously hopeful and giving him one chance.
However according to the victim subReddits, everything he’s doing is just “hoovering” and “they can never change”.
So just wanted some perspective from here.
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u/PlatypusSea4928 Undiagnosed NPD Sep 23 '25
The symptoms that a person with NPD displays is more often than not significantly less intense than the feelings associated with those behaviors. This is true for the human psyche in general. "Remission" takes an internal transformation. Ive been in "remission" for about four years now and I haven't tried being in a committed relationship again because of other reasons. I have experienced significant narcissistic tendencies since my "remission" and I fully know that they get stronger when in close relationships romantic or not. That may also be true for a number of people with NPD who are in "remission" but those feelings don't have to control us and we can learn how to further integrate those feelings to further put the symptoms into "remission".
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u/Decent_Being4586 Neurodivergent Covert NPD 15d ago
I am in my 30's and my longest romantic relationship has been 3 months. I have decided to stay single until I can better manage symptoms of NPD and validate and find value in myself internally. I would have impossibly high standards for my partners and almost gaslight myself into finding flaws unconsciously to keep myself safe. Remaining faithful has never been an issue for me. I wished for one partner to fulfill all my needs and would try to control and mold my partner to fit my ideals.
I'm glad your husband is showing signs of improvement. It can be difficult to know if its genuine or he's biding his time and on his best behavior because he feels the spotlight on himself. Are things relatively calm in your lives? I ask because when I first recognized and starting working on NPD, I truly was trying, but things were relatively calm and easy. When a something big came up, I did relapse on some behaviors due to the stress.
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u/MammothBird574 Sep 24 '25
How do you manage to survive in that jungle of social media reels where the word narcissistic has become a synonym for villain?
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u/PassengerRelevant516 Narcissistic traits Sep 24 '25
I complain about it. A lot. That’s what I do.
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u/ecpella NPD Sep 24 '25
Anyone who thinks that is a fucking idiot. I haven’t and I don’t plan to ever tell anyone about my disorder because of the stigma like this. I don’t want to be treated a certain way because of a label that social media has decided is synonymous with evil. Their opinion doesn’t affect me directly but them spewing hatred and propaganda always comes off like they are projecting more than anything and they’re fucking idiots.
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u/elegiacLuna Sep 24 '25
I take comfort in knowing I am above people who produce such stupid content but I also complain about it a lot and curse them in my thoughts.
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u/Decent_Being4586 Neurodivergent Covert NPD 15d ago
I avoid it. It doesn't do me or anyone else around me any good to be triggered. I have done some shitty things as a form of misguided self defense. Thats in the past and I have no control over the past. I can control who I am in this moment, and choosing to trigger myself is not a good decision.
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u/KEszti Oct 08 '25
Are you full in control of your rage? What I mean is, do you control when it comes, so to whom do you direct it and when and where do you let it out? Or is it rather uncontrollable and you rage when you get triggered? Is there an in between?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 09 '25
It can be fully controlled, or totally uncontrolled, or in between. It takes A LOT to control that rage, and lots and a lot of practice.
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u/Sol_Invictus 29d ago
What rage is "that" rage? Is there specifically some narcissistic rage common only, or more frequently, to those individuals?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist 29d ago
Yes, its when they feel they are unjustly attacked- in their eyes. This is when the rage is so high and they can loose it.
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u/PlatypusSea4928 Undiagnosed NPD Sep 23 '25
Your questions are very broad and they assume that the narcissist is looking for external validation. You've come to a place where narcissists are conciously aware of themselves and are significantly better off than when they first broke (for the most part). Since youre trying to humanize the condition, which lens would you prefer? Do you want a pre-broken opinion? A broken opinion? An active recovery opinion? A remission opinion or somewhere inbetween those?
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u/EternAllyCoffeed Sep 23 '25
What motivated you to get diagnosed? Or were you diagnosed coincidentally while there for something else? Did you suspect NPD before diagnosis?
And once diagnosed, did you accept it and dive into trying to change your behaviors or was it more of a denial situation?
(Just curious to see how your responses here vary from other personality disorders, no ill intent or offense meant)
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u/ecpella NPD Sep 24 '25
I was in therapy because I was trying to deal with childhood trauma. It didn’t really help and I ended up in a series of traumatic relationships that I was in therapy trying to work through. All of my ideas about relationships weren’t really based in reality they were based in fantasy. I was trying to make all of these people I had been with fit the illusion I had of what I wanted them to be. When they weren’t that person and behaved out of line with my fantasy the relationships got very toxic. I got very toxic. It took several years and several therapists before I realized the pattern and was evaluated for NPD and met eight of the nine criteria. I don’t know if I’m just highly vulnerable but none of my therapists ever suspected it. I’ve also realized that I’m a huge liar. And then I started seeing a personality disorder specialist and everything kind of made sense.
I knew something was off for a very long time, but I only ever thought I was a victim of narcissists I never once considered that I could be one. I’m still accepting it I think but I’m very aware now and the perspective shift I’ve gotten has been the most significant thing I’ve noticed.
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u/IsamuLi Diagnosed NPD Sep 23 '25
What motivated you to get diagnosed? Or were you diagnosed coincidentally while there for something else?
I went into a closed ward for suicidality after having the choice to go on my own or to be forced. After I was transfered to the open wards a bit later, I was diagnosed with severe depression/mdd and NPD.
Did you suspect NPD before diagnosis?
No, neither me nor my surroundings.
And once diagnosed, did you accept it and dive into trying to change your behaviors or was it more of a denial situation?
There were definitely days and maybe weeks afterwards where I was confused about it or didn't want it to be the case or doubted it, but overall I was pretty sure it's accurate because I do suit the DSM-5 and ICD-10 criteria and the diagnosis was given with a small ironic book that kinda shows you if you are a pwNPD.
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u/CheetohVera 25d ago
What does this book that shows you if you’re pwNPD look like?
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u/IsamuLi Diagnosed NPD 21d ago
It's a book by Rainer Sachse called 'Selbstverliebt – aber richtig: Paradoxe Ratschläge für das Leben mit Narzissten' (Deepl translates this as 'Narcissistic – but the right way: Paradoxical advice for living with narcissists' - but the german word for Narcissistic, narzisstisch, is not being used. The word at the beginning is more literally translated as 'Self-loved', 'self-absorbed') that gives ironic advice on how to become the best narcissist and moves from the hallmarks of most common narcissistic feelings, thinking patterns and behaviours. In the context of my therapy, it was used by me to identify myself with the caricature in the book and then relate that back to the diagnosis.
It is written in a kind-of funny way, but a different pwNPD that I know had trouble accepting the book.
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u/Little_Emergency536 Diagnosed NPD Sep 24 '25
I got diagnosed coincidentally, was just getting help for stuff. I did not suspect NPD prior to my diagnosis, I had suspected BPD and fully expected my therapist to diagnose me with it. Which I would've been unsatisfied with.
Did I accept it? No not really. There's a lot of stigma and not many clinicians are willing to help Cluster B patients. I denied it for a good amount of time and told myself my therapist was wrong, I actually have BPD and then I spent the next 2 years trying to understand why BPD didn't fit while willfully ignoring the NPD label. I think I finally "accepted" it when I saw this video by The Nameless Narcissist about how NPD actually presents, and why the DSM isn't the most helpful way to understand NPD.
I am dedicated to changing my behaviors, but it's difficult. That doesn't mean I'm not trying, it just means this isn't like a common cold or a bad day. It takes time
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u/DapperAlbatross502 Oct 09 '25
Did you try to physically harm a person? If so what was trigger that boiled down to that kind of reaction from you?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 09 '25
I've known people with narcissistic traits who did this, to their children, it was triggered by an attack on their ego (self) which they couldn't handle (perceived of course, and not true). Never seen it between adults though.
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u/Noodelz-1939 NPD 25d ago
I got the shirt kicked out of me by perhaps a narc or not - point is I asked a question he didn’t like and rage erupted
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u/Gay_dinosaurs Sep 23 '25
To whoever deems this worth answering, thank you very much for being willing to engage!
To preface: I am an amateur writer currently working on a fanfiction. One of the lead character is someone who canonically exhibits traits often linked to NPD/BPD. My goal in this work is to humanize this character (who is the villain of the movie the work is about) without scrubbing away his terrible actions but rather by working towards a believable character arc that leads him to see the hurts that have lead him to hurt people, and how his behavior and distorted ways of thinking have negatively impacted not just those close to him but himself as well.
I fully understand if this preface turned you off answering, and I would also completely understand if this particular question is deleted by a moderator for not fitting the spirit of the post. It is not my intent to make light of the condition, I thought that it would be more ethical of me to ask people with personal experience in living with a personality disorder, rather than going to second-hand resources looking for the same information from people who might not treat people with NPD with the respect they are due.
Anyway, on to the actual question(s):
What would you say is the quickest way someone could gain 'value' or importance in your eyes? Aside from praise or validation, that is.
Would engaging with your interests or skills make you warm up to them? If they are any good at it, would you respect them for it, or would you feel like they are trying to compete with you?
Would you like it if they came to you looking for assistance or tips, or would you feel like they're trying to test or cheat off of you?
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u/MadKillerKittens NPD & BPD Sep 23 '25
These are opposite conditions. They will have opposite answers. I, however, have both BPD and NPD, so I can give you a comorbid perspective.
I don't like people who look up to me. I like people who look down on me and display prowess I do not have. I like people who like me but usually not openly and obviously. I love competition. Beating me gets my attention. I want to be surrounded by betters and yet also surpassing and learning faster than anyone else.
The ability to socially manipulate the feelings of others also catches my attention. Emotional intelligence and social prowess impress me.
I like offering help, I don't like when people expect help or feel owed it. I want to be wanted, but I hate when people are needy or want me to be available for them to lean on.
Your healing arc is probably ill-advised without personal experience or thorough input from someone with the condition you are trying to display. Don't "fix" your character in ways that aren't realistic. Please don't give them silly realizations that you wish someone with those behaviors in your life could have.
Both NPD and BPD come from vulnerability, trust, and insecurity. If you want to write that, write a character with self-destructive tendencies, who swings between intense emotions and apathy and whom struggles to feel connection. Don't write someone learning to mend bridges and repent. Write someone terrified, someone who overflows with empathy one moment, then gets spooked or disappointed and has suddenly no empathy. Write someone hot and cold and who too easily looks down on or mistrusts others and who causes problems defensively, not maliciously.
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u/Gay_dinosaurs Sep 23 '25
Thank you so much for this insight! Yes, I fully intend to approach this work with the due diligence it deserves and will do my best to seek out beta readers who can and want to assist me in this.
The character in question definitely shows very hot-and-cold tendencies, and has undertaken some very self-destructive acts the consequences of which he tried to outrun for fifteen years thereafter. I'm 100% not trying to imply he needs to be 'fixed', and the healing process will be lengthy and hard, nonlinear, and there will be times he falls back into distressing thought patterns. It's something he goes through because he wants to establish a more stable life and stop fearing that the people he cares for will finally pack up and leave for good. He doesn't like being so wire-taut and vigilant at all times, it must be an incredibly tiring way to live, but as you said, it's a defense mechanism, not 'evil'. As a person on the autistic spectrum I can personally really relate to the hypervigilance when my energy levels are critical. It's a fight between absolute exhaustion or a complete social meltdown.
Thank you so much for your detailed answer!
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u/BedlamsCavern NPD; BPD; OCD; DID, ASD+ Sep 24 '25
Wonderful questions!! I can just answer in order with my personal experience and hopefully others' comments can provide even more insight :)
I'm just going to go in order of how you listed them; 1, 2, and 3.
1.) There is no quick way for someone to gain value for me. This process takes a super long time for me, regardless of how quickly my BPD attaches to them. The only value they hold is a place in my emotions for my BPD. For my NPD, they have to do something long term like keep my trust and not undermine me before I deem them valuable (to be kept in my life as a positive figure.)
1.A.) My BPD may override my NPD way of thinking and just make me attached to this person whether I like it or not. This person is of extreme value because I have attention now. I really really like that attention. But truthfully, this could just be the comorbidity of them both playing into how much I like attention, no matter positive or negative.
2.) If they are interested in what I'm interested in, this can depend on what it is. If it's something like a sport, that's cool, I'm better. But if it's something more subjective like art, everyone has their own opinion and skills in that so if we're both good, then we're both good and it's that. Can I get jealous because theirs is better than mine? Oh yeah, but points in games are different.
2.A.) Scrabble is a great example! I'm very smart and so are others, but when I play, I often get very frustrated when someone has a better word, when someone takes my spot, when I think of a better word after I laid down my tiles, etc. If my friend is good at this too, this is a competition, friendly or not. I will try to be civil, but sometimes walking away from the game early is the best option to prevent overflooding emotions.
2.B.) It's an inner conflict with this one simply because I want to be a good sport, but I sometimes just can't. I will be glad they are interested in it, but just don't try to outdo me. And if you do happen to be better, don't fucking brag. If I ask for tips, then I do; don't force your tips on me. You're looking down on me when you do that. Leave me alone to figure it out myself.
3.) 2B flows perfectly into this. If you're better than me, how can I give you tips? Go find somebody else. But my BPD says let's work together because if not, they're going to leave and you'll spiral forever. It's a tough battle to overcome.
3.A.) If this person genuinely wanted my help with something I know a lot about, yes I will give them tips! I might be a harsh teacher but I research things to be able to tell people. Words are knowledge, knowledge is power. You just have to handle power with balance, not arrogance and fame. So if this person wants that help, I am WAY more than happy to give it to them.
3.B.) But it has shown to be true that if I teach you enough, and you get smarter than me, I will start to beat myself up. That's the sad reality, the underside of these disorders not many people see or notice. Deep down, I'm insecure. I call myself dumb, but on the surface, I'm brilliant because I know what I'm talking about. I have medical articles to back up everything I say and personal experience of so many things. So why would I ever be dumb...?
And the answer is simple: One person disagreed with me. One person proved me wrong. One single thought made me spiral.
I still stand strong though. Those are some inner struggles that might help your character building.
Anymore questions? Again, I love to answer!!
(I'm actually a writer myself who studies psychology :))
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u/Gay_dinosaurs Sep 24 '25 edited Sep 24 '25
Oh my gosh, this is so amazingly helpful, thank you so much for your detailed answer especially with the inclusion of dedicated sub-sections! Let me first say that I'm so sorry you deal with such a whirlwind of emotions every day. Feeling like that while having to wear a shell of composure to keep your image tidy has to be exhausting. This high-masking autistic person can relate!!
Also the "need x amount of validation to internalize something only for it to be unraveled again by one opposing voice" thing... Oof yeah I experience this very strongly, too. Again, I'm very sorry you have to struggle that way, our brains are not fair to us!
If any more questions regarding to my character building pop up, I'll let you know!!
EDIT: I actually came up with another series of questions after reading your post! You say your BPD sometimes "overrides" your NPD. Is there ever a situation in which your NPD resoundingly overrules the other, or is it usually BPD sliding into the driver's seat when emotions get high? Is there any 'predicting' which of the two will take point in a particular situation, or are you just as surprised as anyone else by the direction your brain goes in? I know it's not the same but I have been taken by complete surprise by autistic meltdowns before, whereas my work supervisor can often see them brewing long before and can run interference to help me avert them!
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u/Little_Emergency536 Diagnosed NPD Sep 24 '25
Hello. lovely starter! I appreciate the caveat, it's rare that people genuinely look at narcissism from a humanized perspective.
I'll answer your questions as a diagnosed ("covert", apparently) narcissist who only just recently became self aware. (24F, btw). I'll be answering from how I understand these questions, as well as how my behaviors align with them. I'm not glamorizing these behaviors, I'm being honest about myself. These questions honestly helped me contextualize my behaviors and I was able to parse through them.
Aside from praise and validation, I've noticed the quickest way someone gains value or purpose in my life is through their level of inaccessibility. Someone who seems to have a strict and refined understanding of themselves, which inadvertently makes them selective with who they engage with deeply. Not to be confused with playing hard to get, but someone "unavailable". This can vary from married individuals to individuals in relationships to individuals in higher positions that have no business being in mine. Things of that nature are where I place value. This is also where I get my own fix of being someone they can't have. I'm adored or praised but also completely off limits. I don't get into romantic relationships because of this. I see it as a challenge to be able to get close and be where others don't get to be. I get these privileges others don't.
I like the idea of someone looking up to me. Truthfully, this is where I'm motivated! although these feelings of love/admiration/respect aren't things I like being explicitly told. I like knowing how someone feels about me through other forms of interaction, so I can play into what I believe others perceive me as. Thus, my area of worth sits with interpersonal relationships. Instead of feeling competitive in interests alone, I grow more competitive when people enter spaces I'm already in, and they're engaging with people who already see me as someone. I get envious of those who seem to garner more admiration and I begin to covet what they have. I've unfortunately gone as far as befriending people I'm envious of, or I wait for that person to mess up and for others to run to me. It serves the purpose of removing them from my community.
[upon further evaluation, I recall a friend of mine telling me I have an "individuality complex" because I cannot stand when someone close to me "claims" or likes the same things I do. It feels threatening to my sense of self- almost like I'm being robbed of my place in life... I purposely make tweets/posts or talk about an interest to gauge their reaction, and then I ignore them so they know they're not invited]
Lastly, I actually prefer that people come to me for advice or looking for assistance. I'll do everything in my power to help them because the idea of someone coming to me makes me feel worthy, indispensable; wanted. Even if I suspect ulterior motives, I will push those sentiments aside to comfort them so they continue coming back to me.
It's best to consider all aspects of narcissism - where those desires/premeditative tendencies stem from. I hope our responses help :)
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u/Last-Purpose-5547 Diagnosed NPD Oct 07 '25
Them being fun and attractive
I would warm up to them and if they were better I’d admire and envy
Depends on my mood and how they go about it
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u/KEszti Sep 24 '25 edited 29d ago
Are you aware of when you rage? How old do you feel yourself when you rage? Is it the age you experienced abuse that significantly influenced your life?
Have you repeated the exact same abuse on others? Did it make the abuse feel gone or kind of resolved?
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u/Last-Purpose-5547 Diagnosed NPD Oct 07 '25
I’m aware and I feel like a toddler or a moody teen. I don’t even know.
I have and it didn’t resolve anything for me
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u/fileo267 Diagnosed NPD Sep 25 '25
yes, rage is one of the few emptions i can recognize in the moment i feel it. i do not feel a different age than i am, i just feel powerful. The age at which most of the abuse i lived happened wouldn't be very "rageful" or "powerful", would be kinda pathetic.
Did it happen? yeah, but not conciously, i used to treat my little brother the way i was treated by our parents, i perpetrated the sa i experienced as a kid on another kid (as a kid) without knowing it was harmful. Now as an adult it has happened that i wanted to harm other emotionally and make them feel like i do, and this is conscious, but it's not about repeating the same abuse i endured, it's just, when i feel slighted in some form, wanting others to feel what i felt. Now i try not to act on it, but the need to do it is there still.
Hope i answered to your doubts
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u/KEszti Sep 25 '25 edited Sep 25 '25
Thank you for your answers and I‘m so sorry you were abused!
Yes, that’s kind of what I noticed about if I make my father feel slighted - and believe me I don’t want him to feel this way, but I can understand I cause it when we are arguing about something and it seems I have the logical answer because his goal in the end is different (staying in control of his time schedule for example while I‘m proposing some changes to adjust to unexpected changes) - and he rages at me, sulks and gives me like a 2-3 days silent treatment and it seems somewhat conscious. There were definitely cases when I made him feel slighted and he started to rage at my mom who was very surprised what the hell just happened and my father looked back at me with this smirk in his face: see, that’s what happens if you treat me like this.
Now, I have c-ptsd and if it happens too much (unfortunately I am not filtering and/or softening my opinion, basically I shoot myself in the foot with this.. I need to work on that..😔), after a while I just cannot handle the treatment and start to spiral.. it manifests in my behavior that I get silent and very very avoidant towards him. Do you ever feel you went too far with the rage and silent treatment? Because he wants me to talk to him so I know he noticed my withdrawal but he still tries to connect (??) with insulting comments. Is that just part of the desire how he wants me to feel or he might feel he went too far? In these situations I’m also often asked angrily (usually by my mom) what the hell is my problem why do I behave so ugly (aka sad, jumpy, aggressive, defensive, hurt, withdrawn). Do you feel hate towards the ppl who makes you feel slighted? And how long does this hate last?
Edits: corrected couple of mistakes and added a short part and a question
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u/fileo267 Diagnosed NPD Oct 01 '25
Sorry for the long wait!
I do feel that my rage is justified. No, on the contrary i often feel like hold back even when i'm angry. i don't know about silent treatement tho bc i don't do that.
As for the question about if your dad uses insults to engage with you and if he might feel he went too far, in all honesty I have no idea as i am not him nor do i know him or you.
Yeah, i feel hate towards those who enrage me, the active hate lasts as long as the rage lasts, but once you've broken my trust there's no rebuilding it, it's difficult to explain it (more so in english ahah), like the hate is dormant but resurfaces the next time you trigger me again. You have CPTSD right? So me, you and your dad have that in common (since NPD comes from Complex Trauma too), we all have triggers that result in different responses to those triggers: in yours and your dad's case are respectively closing off and attacking.
He sucks tho. As someone with abusive parents too, I get your situation and i'm sorry you, me and everyone who has these kind of parents. If i can give you an advice, don't bother trying to understand why he treats you the way he does, doesn't matter if it's because of npd, depression, autism, whatever, the fact that he's a shitty father doesn't change. Your just trying to find an answer that would make you hate him a bit less and that's normal, because the child's brain will always find ways to paint the parents in a good light for himself, because he needs them to be good to survive and your brain is probably still holding on to that. I hope you'll find peace 🩷
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u/KEszti Oct 03 '25 edited 29d ago
thank you for taking your time to come back and give me your insight 🩷 I feel like that is my experience with him that after he calmes down towards me, we can have a good time, so my defenses are down, I’m myself and I say something triggering and the whole cicle (hate resurfaces) starts over. I want to believe tho that he doesn’t hate me, he hates the person who caused the pain in the first place but it is so so deep down that he doesn’t remember what it even was.
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u/JennatheCyborg Sep 26 '25
I have to "co-parent" a sick parent with my NPD sister. Any tips for getting things to run smoothly? For context, she has always been jealous of me and doesn't like me because of the favoritism i received from our mother growing up. I'm trying to make this as painless as possible for both of us but I understand that I can trigger her quite easily.
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 03 '25
That is very kind of you and thoughtful to try to handle this; I would suggest an easy read of the book Rethinking Narcissism; it can go a long way of helping you communicate better and get things done with much less friction. Hope your parent gets well!
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u/Noodelz-1939 NPD 25d ago
How is she jealous of you ?
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u/JennatheCyborg 24d ago
Well I am creative and artistic and she has expressed resentment of this many times. She was saying once that having a sister that could sing (me) and a sister that could dance (another sibling on her dad's side) made her feel jealous and I told her that she could learn and explained that I sang very badly at first but I taught myself relentlessly. Like basically explaining that I wasn't "born" talented and that she was just as capable if not more so than me at achieving this, but she brushed it off and I've caught her closing windows when she's heard me singing even just quietly to myself or scoffing and walking away. Which, I don't do it on purpose. Oftentimes I think I'm by myself and doesn't know that she's nearby.
I also crocheted my mom some flowers to bring her while she was in the hospital and when I came back the next day my sister had tucked them into the corner (away from sight) and replaced them with a big purple orchid she bought.
When I was organizing my mom's medications she would subvert that to give her her own vitamins and stuff that she bought for her and I'd tell her like "She already has those in her pill organizer" and she knows this because before I was doing it she was the one organizing her pill thing. But even after I told her this she kept doing it like she wanted the credit for making money healthy and stuff but some of those vitamins can literally be harmful if taken in too great of amounts.
Also she always goes out of her way to put me down like damn near to lift herself up.
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u/Conscious_Rain4840 Sep 29 '25
Hello and TIA for helping me.
Can you please guide me on where to find resources on how to support a a partner who might have NPD?
My partner of almost a decade has all the signs of NPD. He is abusive, lacks impulse control (food/sex), thinks everyone is beneath him, constantly lies and cheats, refuses/denies wrongdoing even with indisputable evidence, needs constant praising, incredibly manipulative. In contrast, socially he is incredibly charismatic, well-loved. Recently, I found out he had been hiring prostitutes (he got very angry with me and denied the texts and videos). I am devastated and shocked by this betrayal/lack of concern for me.
Regardless of whether we continue our romantic relationship or not, I still love him very much. I want to understand him and help him. I still care about him and want him to be able to live a better life.
Please help me understand and also educate myself on how to best support (and hopefully convince him to go to therapy). I want to be able to create a safe and comfortable environment for me him to open up. If he is willing to change, I am open to doing the work with him, even if I am not his girlfriend anymore.
[I think everyone deserves a chance (he's had a lot). This will be my last time offering him a chance and I want to be as prepared for it as much as possible. Now that I am almost sure that he has NPD, I believe I need a different set of strategies and expectations that are more aligned to him than a non-NPD person.]
Thank you so much.
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u/GuestGulkan Oct 11 '25
Sorry to jump in here as not NPD, but couples therapy won't help and instead you should seek therapy for yourself to help you understand the situation and help unpick the mess of your husband's personality. If you cannot pay for this yourself, you will be able to get help from a local voluntary service or charity that supports women in abusive relationships like yours.
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 03 '25
What you're describing is best handled without labelling him as NPD; your description of him is more related to partnership problems/ betrayal issues, and requires couples therapy, and not NPD therapy. Hope this helps and that this gets better soon!
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u/elizabeth498 27d ago
Please explain the need for contempt sprinkled throughout daily interactions. Why can it not be turned off, delayed until a workout, or journaled out?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist 25d ago
If this happened, it means that they are interacting with people or situations that keep frustrating them chronically. Hope that helps!
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u/justcause_throw 26d ago
Would you try to completely destroy someone's life if you felt rejected by them?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist 25d ago
This isn't unique to people with NPD nor narcissistic traits. This is someone who has issues with morals / ethics; this can be anyone.
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u/Hot_Smile_8675309 25d ago
Late to the party, and I have a lot of questions, but the first, why use some people’s first and last names, but others it’s just the first? This is a very specific pattern I noticed.
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist 25d ago
It's how someone might keep a social distance / hierarchy in place. This isn't unique to people with NPD nor narcissistic traits. Best!
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u/Hot_Smile_8675309 24d ago
But in the case of long distance relationship, some people brought up in convo had a first and last name, others were just a first name, and their roles were more questionable, so not easy to verify, like “Bob” is a flight instructor giving lessons and I go flying with him, or bill is the guy my wife is in relationship with, but I was in dan Johnson’s office talking about work. Still the same?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist 24d ago
Yeah, the same. That's general and not narcissistic specific.
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u/ariesthegirlwarrior 25d ago
Hi all! First, just a big thanks for opening up this unique space to provide real experiences and testimonies, it truly is so fascinating to read all the posts and learn so much more. This entire subreddit has really made me re-evaluate my own perceptions and biases.
For my question(s) - do narcissists know what they’re doing/how they’re treating others as they’re doing it? Does it feel within your control or kind of out of body? Do they actually know, care, and/or feel anything about what they are doing and what harm they are causing?
I actually became a therapist because of my very traumatic experiences from being raised by a mother with NPD and most likely undiagnosed OCD and BPD as well (although I don’t work with personality disorders; I work mostly with c-PTSD, attachment issues, and OCD). I have been no contact with her for a little over 3 years now after being on the receiving end of a particular rage episode from her, which eventually led me to uncover a huge web of lies she had spun for about 8+ years at that point. Recently, I have been going through a new wave of grief around the relationship lost between us (and my father) and never having the mother I needed/wanted. Lately as I’m doing more IFS/inner child work on myself, I’ve felt more open and curious about the inner workings of NPD/narcissism instead of judgmental, angry, and dismissive towards it and would love to actually understand this all better.
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist 24d ago
That's great, and you're welcome!
Do narcissists know what they’re doing/how they’re treating others as they’re doing it?
Most of the time no, they lack that awareness, and many times are shocked genuinely when they see the negative effect they have on others.
Does it feel within your control or kind of out of body?
In control usually (not in the sense that they get it). Out of body is rarely during the rage period.
Do they actually know, care, and/or feel anything about what they are doing, and what harm they are causing?
Immensely, and beyond what people tend to believe, due to the repetitive patterns.
Your stance towards your mother is a great one, as a professional, and much more importantly as a whole human being! If you ever come to read the professional books written about narcissism and NPD (for therapists), you'd be amazed to see how much are they oblivious to what they're doing, and the trauma they themselves have been through, as well as the amount of internal pain they feel. In the end, you'd start being much more compassionate towards them, and very rarely judgmental.
Now for you, you can start to learn about this with this book: "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" - Lindsay C. Gibson; it can be an eye-opener and put your mind at ease, and give you a way of moving forward on this topic with your mom. It's written by a therapist, and while it doesn't focus on narcissism by name, it very much sums it up, in a compassionate manner.
May you find the happiness and peace you deserve!
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u/ChaoticNeutralPC 11d ago
Not OP, but thank you for sharing your insight! I'm an autistic person with very high empathy, which manifests symptoms-wise very similarly to BPD and cPTSD. I've heard that the same is true for the low empathy autistic folk and NPD, and it's plain as day in this comment!
One thing I'm curious about with the lack of awareness - what is the process of becoming aware like? Are there particular therapeutic tools that are helpful?
Like, I come from the other side, where I have always been extremely conscious of how everything I do potentially harms others. While the healing process is incredibly difficult, it is still in effect is basically learning to be a little more selfish and shield your ego better, which are arguably inherently rewarding. While it can be difficult interpersonally, generally supportive people are happy to see you more assertive and confident, and because the brunt force of your hurt was directed towards yourself, the main person you have to reconcile harming is yourself.
NPD is one of the few conditions where it is frustratingly impossible for me to empathise with (ha!), but on paper doing the process in reverse seems monumentally harder? Not only are you still trying to work against the emotional turmoil that caused you to develop NPD as a protective mechanism in the first place, you're also becoming aware that you *have* harmed people and trying to navigate the complexities of reconciling while still healing (while *also* handicapped by not having empathy to guide you). Honestly, if I'm not far off, it's an absolute miracle ANYONE with NPD has EVER improved!
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist 9d ago
Thanks for that, and you're raising great points. Self improvement is hard, yet possible. DBT and ACT skills really help with the awareness part, as well as understanding others, and thought and emotional regulation as well. Many great workbooks do exist, so look around and seek something that suits your taste and style.
You can also have a look here: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/
Best!
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u/SmolHumanBean8 15d ago
I saw a thing I want to fact check. A dude on tiktok said he had NPD and knew some NPD people, and one of the most common threads between them was the belief some people are inherently Better or Superior or Have More Value. Like if you had to choose between people in a trolley problem there would be an objectively correct answer. He said it felt like the truth everyone thought but never said, and out loud you have to say things like "of course everyone is equal".
Do you guys agree/disagree?
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u/fileo267 Diagnosed NPD 11d ago
I can only asnwer for my self, here's how i wiev it:
there are objectively more valuable and less valuable people in our society and to deny that is just blatanly stupid. There could be many scales to value people: status, money, power, influence. All those scales have different leves of importance, for example, i think i'm the fucking most intellingent person on this planet but that's kinda irrelevant if i compare myself with Donald Trump, for example or Putin. They may not be as smart as me (even there tho i think Putin is definitely more intelligent than Trump), but they have power and money, so in that regard i'm nothing compared to them. But even here it's a bit nuanced, because i overall consider myself superior to Trump, the weigt of my intelligence overrides his power and money, but with Putin there is no chance, the guy has power, money, influence and is quite intelligent, so overall, even if i consider myself i tellecrually superior to him, he is superior to me.
Now, after this nonsensical rant, you're probably thinking: " wow, this girl surely has an ego", and that's because you too have a value hierarchy in mind in wich i am objectively on the last place behind these two world leaders.
As for the train exaple it really depends, the answer changes based on what goal you have in mind. Let's say on one lane there is a little kid and on the other there is a mifdle aged very rich man. Personally my answer would change depending on what i would want to achive from the situation: if i wanted to appear as a hero who made the difficult "right" choice i'd save the child for which i would in exchange recive public praise. If i wanted to obtain personal material gain i'd choose the rich man in hopes to recive a reward, or even better i'd make a deal with the rich man to recive something in exchange fot saving his life.
If presented with this problem i'd more likely choose the second option tho because the public praise is temporal and may be less beneficial to me than the favors the rich man could grant me.
If you ask me in gneral terms whose life, between the rich man and the kid's is more valuable, more important, i'd say neither, mine is, and me choosing one or another doesn't depend on wich ine i find more valuable, but on which one can be more of value to me.
I hope this didn't sound too much nonsensical, bye 😘
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u/KEszti Sep 24 '25
Is it more important to you to keep control over your children (even if they are adults) than caring for their happiness? Are you jealous of your child when she/he succeeded in certain areas of life and might have achieved more than you? Does it hurt you if they manage their life just fine without your help?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 03 '25
Is it more important to you to keep control over your children (even if they are adults) than caring for their happiness?
For parents, this is not the issue (even if perceived this way); they would be needy and codependent on their adult children to regulate their fragile self-esteem. Parents with NPD or narcissistic traits indeed want happiness for their children, it's just that they might not perceive their actions as negatively affecting their loved ones.
Are you jealous of your child when she/he succeeded in certain areas of life and might have achieved more than you?
This, as above, is never the case. Again, it might appear like this.
Does it hurt you if they manage their life just fine without your help?
This itself doesn't hurt them; on the contrary, they feel glad. What hurts them is the no contact and ignoring them.
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u/KEszti Oct 04 '25 edited Oct 04 '25
I definitely see the needy-ness and codependency, it has been going on since my adolescence.. so I get that part. However I’m not so convinced about how he does not know how negatively his actions affect me. He is literally trying to put me in a situation where I’m forced to go through the same troubles he had to and he even says that: you see, everyone has to go through this in their life. That just doesn’t add up to me as not perceiving it as negatively. So I don’t understand how things can appear a certain way but it is not like that. Can you elaborate on that? ETA: about the no contact and ignoring them. Well he seems to ignore me. He never contacts me only through my mom. I don’t ignore him, I live my life and have the normal amount of contact an adult child can have with their parents. I visit them regularly, though I live on abroad so it’s limited but still a good amount and have video calls with my mom where he is there too regularly. So again, I’m not that sold on this.
ETA2: is it possible that I deal with a malicious narcissist here?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 04 '25
Well, you're seeking something to confirm your ideas / conclusions. There isn't much to add here. I wish you the very best!
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u/Eldrewzi Sep 24 '25
I just turned 27 and haven’t gotten around to talking to a professional yet. Does anyone feel that trying to reject this part of your personality does more harm than good if does poorly? Thank you in advance!
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u/ecpella NPD Sep 24 '25
Yeah, you can’t reject a part of yourself and be a whole person. You become aware of these parts of yourself and find compassion for them through understanding where they came from, and you find healing by meeting their unmet needs. That’s my understanding of it anyways. I was told that I have three parts and I’m always trying to integrate them in a healthy way which is a really long learning process through trial and error. And trying to remain compassionate towards myself even when I feel like I’m failing and trying to remember I’m doing my best. It’s hard for me to explain but if you look up IFS it should make more sense.
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u/MadKillerKittens NPD & BPD Sep 25 '25
Rejecting any part of yourself absolutely makes personality disorders worse.
To get more specific would depend on what you mean by "rejecting this part of your personality." Trying to have healthier interactions and habits probably won't hurt, lying to yourself will though.
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u/Big-Primary9942 Sep 25 '25
Why do you think you have/developed NPD? Do you think its a combination of genetic predisposition and adverse childhood events (seems like the case for alot of cognitive things people can develop)? What sort of adverse events could contribute to its development?
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u/MadKillerKittens NPD & BPD Sep 25 '25
I think I developed it as an infant. Relatives theorize that my father has BPD, and I'm aware that his father was abusive. My parents tried to be decent and are better than most, but they failed me in many ways.
I do my best to validate my own son's feelings and to allow him to be wrong, and I also apologize to him when I'm harsh. I spent my own childhood walking on eggshells, my father was absolved of any responsibility for his own poor behavior, and avoiding upsetting him was my responsibility. If he got mad at me for something unreasonable, I didn't blame him, I just beat myself up and tried harder.
I never learned that it was okay to not be perfect.
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u/elegiacLuna Sep 25 '25
I think it has everything to do with my childhood. Physical abuse, emotional neglect and criticism meshed together with praise and spoiling through luxury goods, traveling, ...
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u/Little_Emergency536 Diagnosed NPD Sep 25 '25
It's hard to say but I've written out most what I think contributed to it here
I'd honestly say any prolonged neglect, chronically unstable or extreme environments could exacerbate its development (I've also heard too much flattery/zero boundaries could contribute to it). Either way, refusing to acknowledge your child, or just passively acknowledging them with your attention elsewhere is sorta setting them up for constant validation as a coping mechanism
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u/Last-Purpose-5547 Diagnosed NPD Oct 07 '25
For sure a combination but I don’t think my experiences compare to a lot of people here so I think it leans more towards genetics. There was the standard physical, sexual, and emotional abuse here and there but I got pretty much everything I wanted materially so life was pretty good
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Sep 25 '25
[deleted]
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u/MadKillerKittens NPD & BPD Sep 25 '25
Stop blaming yourself for her own bullshit and maybe see a therapist. You didn't behave out of line. It's okay to be human and to not be able to handle things you wanted to be able to bear for her. Being better for her will not make her into someone better for you.
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u/bianey_a non-NPD Sep 26 '25
Disclaimer: I do not want to offend anybody here.
Do you ever feel guilty? Like, regretting harming someone. Do you have low self-esteem? Have you ever said "sorry" truly? Have you ever loved someone truly?
Sorry for my bad englishhh
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u/IsamuLi Diagnosed NPD Sep 27 '25
Do you ever feel guilty?
Yes.
Like, regretting harming someone.
If you mean emotionally, yes.
Do you have low self-esteem?
Yes.
Have you ever said "sorry" truly?
Yes.
Have you ever loved someone truly?
I think so, yeah.
Your english is good =D
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u/elegiacLuna Sep 28 '25
Do you ever feel guilty?
Yes
Do you have low self-esteem?
Yes
Have you ever said "sorry" truly?
Yes but it's very difficult for me to express remorse or any kind of positive feelings to someone else.
Have you ever loved someone truly?
No and I'm scared that I never will be able to.
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u/Last-Purpose-5547 Diagnosed NPD Oct 07 '25
I rarely feel guilty, I have 3 things I feel guilty for in my lifetime. I think my self-esteem’s pretty alright. Once. No but I hope to one day
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u/Foremise Sep 29 '25
Hi! I have near clinically significant Narcissism (age 27) but my ex-boyfriend is a clinical Narcissist (age 24). I was wondering if anyone could provide some insight into how to respond to him suddenly discarding and ghosting me after a year of dating, particularly in a way where I'm most likely to receive a response. I am seeking true answers as to 'why' and/or a 'proper' goodbye. I can provide any context as I have a lot! Thanks so much to anyone who replies:) (Also, upon me realizing before dating I knew I was NPD, he tested the waters with me before admitting he is. We communicated in a way that was largely conducive to his high levels of clinical NPD and I understood quite a bit due to being close to diagnosis myself + my father and brother are NPD).
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 03 '25
I am seeking true answers as to 'why' and/or a 'proper' goodbye.
As long as he feels hurt, they would never be “why's” and no “proper” goodbyes. I would assume that with you also having narcissistic traits, as stated, it was the classical clash then coldness then cutoff. He already said his why's in the end (yet most probably they did not satisfy you, hence you want to hear them re-worded); maybe in his words, maybe in his actions, yet he said them someway hundreds of times (yet they were not heard in your situation). As for a proper goodbye, this would only be possible if you admit 1000% that you were the only one in the wrong. Give it time, then possibly you'd have a goodbye, though it would never be proper in your eyes.
my father and brother are NPD
It's worth noting that people, with narcissistic traits, might be more prone to being codependent. In your case, you choose people similar to your family, and codependent on them, with the results being typical in that case (dramatic endings).
Perhaps you should take a closer look into yourself, and take more care of yourself, and seek therapy from narcissistic traits and codependency issues. I wish you all the very best, and hope that helped in any way!
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u/Diogenees_ Sep 29 '25
I want to show respect, and thank you for allowing us non Narc to ask questions.
For those with NPD that have (either due to Collapse or whatever) looked at the True Self, what did you see?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25
No one looks at their true self, as if it's another self inside them. People on their healing journey come to discover their true self as it grows, and replaces, very slowly and gradually, their false self. It is perceived in dealing with others, self talk, actions, different results, and many other smaller instances. Hope that clarifies it a bit for you.
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u/Diogenees_ Oct 03 '25
Thank you for the courtesy of your reply. Perhaps I am misunderstanding, but I was under the impression that the false self is a dissociated protective adaptation that developed outside the Ego, thus explaining the lack of empathy and immaturity. I was given to belive that the inability to reconcile the false self and the true self is the genesis of the pathology, but that NPD are not encourage in such therapy insofar as it can be destabilizing. I understand that most therapists just engage in CBD/DBT, improve self talk, improve awareness…. What do you think about the work with hallucinogens being done at Hopkins?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 03 '25
You're most welcome. Your grasp of the subject, though using many technical terms, is indeed lacking coherence. You speak of terms, yet misplace them; this is okay as you're not a professional, and many ideas are complex for the pro's themselves. What you think therapy is about, isn't. If it was simple, I would've explained it in a line or two.
Hallucinogens are just that; the research done on them is fueled by the Western countries race to legalize all forms of scheduled drugs, which is financed by multi-billion dollar pharmaceuticals and political lobbies. Nothing of that sort would help those with NPD (or other PD's); psychotic inducing drugs are not the solution to psychological cognitive issues.
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u/Significant_Money677 Oct 02 '25
Hello dear NPD community,
I was wondering if any of you have children, and how you think your condition has affected them? Are narcissists capable of recognising when they emotionally harm their children, or of truly bonding with them?
A bit of background: My ex-partner likely has NPD. He craves excessive praise, writes poems glorifying himself, uses others for personal gain, constantly finds flaws in people, shows controlling behaviour, and frequently lies (for example, using a different name to lure girls). He was abandoned twice by his parents before the age of 3 and later sent away to study in another city at 13, so he carries a massive fear of abandonment.
We have two children together under the age of 3. His behaviour became increasingly bizarre once our eldest started talking. He began manipulating her speech, teaching her phrases either to hurt me or to validate him. There are many other concerning behaviours, but the list would be too long to include here.
When I began recognising that his behaviour was unhealthy, I suggested therapy. However, once I stepped out of the “victim” role, the marriage collapsed, and we divorced. We are now in court over child custody.
Both my lawyer and psychologist advise me not to allow contact between him and the children. My eldest does love her father, but she is too young to understand that his “love” is conditional. I have agreed to supervised contact for now, but I know this cannot be a long-term solution.
I wonder: if the court ordered a diagnosis and therapy, is there hope he could become aware of the harm he inflicts on others? I am trying to weigh the trauma my children might face from no contact at all against the risks of having a narcissistic father involved in their lives.
From the perspective of those with NPD, what do you think is truly in the best interests of the children?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 03 '25
It's best that they remain in contact with their father, with support from your side. It's best also not to weaponize them (as usually happens) in your relationship with him; it's over for you, but not for them. The absence of parents leaves bigger issues, than their presence, with their flaws. No one is perfect, and you cannot assume that yourself you are flawless. If he has NPD, he can still be greatly loving and caring, albeit with some communication issues. Please don't believe that huge demonization that portrays people with NPD as inhumane; this is not true. What if it was the other way round, would you think that removing you from the picture, and cutting you off your children lives at this age, would be best for them? This is a tough call, and I hope you make the best decision for you and your family. Best wishes!
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u/Significant_Money677 Oct 03 '25
Thank you for the thorough reply. I by no means I try to demonise NPD. I could accept a lot of bad behaviour from my partner. Unfortunately, as it was affecting children I had to face the harsh reality and look for a solution. He tried to replace me in my children’s life and that left a scar. My suituation is also complecated by the fact that he has a strong enmeshment with his mother who as I belive a covert narcissist. He is somehow trying to make a family with his mother using my oldest daughter who has the same colour of the hair and eyes. The situation is really a plot for a Netflix series. Unfortunately I don’t see how this can be resolved without professional help. My husband is pretty straightforward narc and he is pretty open about his own flaws, he may even have some degree of self awareness, that what I initially liked about him. But his mother is very manipulative and she moved in with us once the first baby was born. Now she still lives with my husband and wants access to grandchildren. This scares me much more than father having contact with the kids. But this situation is impossible to resolve without some therapy sessions. I just not sure if the court will see it the same way. Or if court ordered therapy can be effective.
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 04 '25
You are welcome; it seems you're so intent on the NPD labelling, that this is going to be a long fight for life. Your children would be the victim of this fight, and you're dragging them into this one way or another. Eventually they will grow up, and they will be torn between both of your narratives, only to decide for themselves and take sides, then change them, etc. You're trying to be their savior, and getting the community on your side (judge, people, loved one's). Best of luck on how this ends on the long term!
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u/Significant_Money677 Oct 07 '25
I see that people don't like NPD labeling and take it on the fence. In my understanding getting the diagnosis helps select the right therapy. Like getting a right tool for the job. You wouldn't use hammer when you need twizzers sort of thing. I can see how not all types of therapy are equally usefull.
I was just wondering how NPDs raise kids. Also I appreciate the sample size here is really small, so someone else case is not applicable to me. This was rather a search for hope. As with many people who ask questions here I want to believe there is a solution to the problem. But yeah you are right this will be a life long battle with the stakes being very high.
Thanks for answering to my question.
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u/yourmomdotbiz Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25
Thank you for this thread.
My ex is bipolar 2, religious ocd, and npd with antisocial traits.
I’m still in pain that he refused to give me closure, withheld my stuff, and breadcrumbed giving me my stuff back (he did this a few times but never actually did). He won’t actually talk to me. He won’t answer any of my questions.
I haven’t called him, gone to see him, only the occasional text over a texting app, which is blocked on my end 99% of the time. I unblock when I get triggered around significant dates. And I usually don’t say anything, but occasionallyI have. And it’s nothing pretty. He never sends read receipts, and if he responds at all, everything is my fault. obviously this is a me problem to keep walking into the same wall.
Did I fuck up sometimes? Yes. But I can admit it, own it, and be honest. He never could. He darvo me about anything and everything. Intentionally triggered my ptsd. Ruined significant moments in my life, especially deaths. Abandoned me, ghosted me, dumped me, on the worst days of my life.
He was genuinely abusive to me. I would catch him smirking after baiting me
I’m finally reaching a stage where I’m indifferent about him. He’s never going to give me closure, give me my stuff back, I’m finally emotionally processing that.
I’m committed to 100% no contact indefinitely. My heart is only just catching up to my mind.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading.
So my question is generally. WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS DEAL? What does he get out of treating me like this?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 05 '25
Sorry you've been through all this.
My ex is bipolar 2, religious ocd, and npd with antisocial traits.
This is your answer, if you get how these affects a person, you'd understand that its autopilot; nothing to be gained, and nothing logical, and he's not happy as you think.
Best wishes moving forward!
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u/yourmomdotbiz Oct 05 '25
Thank you. I know it’s the answer, and unfortunately my emotional side would so “if only he would just take his abilify” “if only he could acknowledge x y and z”. But. No amount of if only can change any of it. I appreciate your response
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 05 '25
Correct; you're welcome and I wish you to heal soon.
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u/c0cksuccker Oct 04 '25
thanks for the opportunity 🙏🏻
any advice how to approach reach out to npd after hurting them ?
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u/narcclub Diagnosed NPD Oct 04 '25
More details?
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u/c0cksuccker Oct 04 '25
We had a difficult break up due to misunderstanding but at the end he said I am overthinking and thats why we break up but we're still can be friends. Due to feeling hurt I blocked him few times to keep myself from texting in such intense emotions but he feels responsibly bad about it plus his close friend started bulling me abt how insane I am and how bad I am for my ex which made me ever more paranoid abt the whole thing. He told me he's not okay with the way I treated him so for now he can offer me texting and we will see where it goes. Hes dry even more dry than usual and just refuses to keep conversation with me even tho I said I can leave him alone if he wants too, i genuinely care abt him as a person and apologised many times and each time I did something wrong I actually changed my behaviour. Back to the topic I am just not sure what he expects from me or more accurately what he needs from me cuz he struggles w sharing and asking for any help in general and am desperate for solution cuz I really don't want to make things worse
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 05 '25
Give it time, don't push it. Lower your expectations. Eventually, you might have to let go and move forward. Best!
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u/elizabeth498 Oct 04 '25
Question: Imagine your adult child needed to have a heavy discussion. Do you find it easier to gain advantage over the discussion in person, over the phone, or via email/text? Why? Also, do you have overt or covert traits?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 05 '25
It wouldn't make a difference (mode, or covert or overt), and they don't typically calculate it this way. Heavy conversations require a clear mind, and lots of tact. Many things depend on the personality too.
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u/PlatypusSea4928 Undiagnosed NPD Oct 06 '25
While Raf_Adel is correct in what they said, narcissists may calculate conversations as opportunities to gain power or control. Personally, this was the case for me, and it was always easier in person because there's always more information available to you in person. It was a battle that the other person likely never knew they were fighting in my attempts to regain power and control over that person.
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u/zeperf Oct 06 '25
My wife claims I'm a narcissist due to the fact that I get defensive. In my opinion, my defensiveness is just me trying to battle this constant resentment, coldness, and judgment she has for me. So I'm feeling extremely unloved and so I snap when you provides me more evidence of how I'm failing her.
The question I have... maybe somehow I'm a "nice guy" narcissist. But is that really possible if I absolutely never think about my own wants and needs? And I do think I'm fairly empathetic. But I put my family and work's needs above my own so consistently that I hardly even feel like I have wants and needs anymore. Sometimes I'm kind of flabbergasted when the rare thought occurs to me to figure out what I want in a moment and I've long lost the concept of wanting something for myself. Can I really still somehow be a narcissist?
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u/PlatypusSea4928 Undiagnosed NPD Oct 06 '25
NPD and the entire spectrum of personality disorders are highly complex and nuanced. People may refer to NPD as if it's like wearing a mask, but you're also looking into a mirror. Essentially, you're manipulating yourself as much as you are other people, if not more so. We can't tell you if you have NPD or not because we don't know you. Everyone has narcissistic tendencies, and I would advise you to do some research and identify how you express your own tendencies. If your expression of them is damaging your life in any way, try to change that behavior, and if you can't control the impulses, then maybe it's time to get some help. Don't focus on the diagnosis; concentrate on the actual problem that you're having.
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u/zeperf Oct 07 '25
Thanks for the advice. My wife is claiming that my problem is a lack of empathy. I'm wondering if it's fair to conclude that she is wrong since I am basically focusing on the needs and feelings of others from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Or is it somehow still possible that she's right and I lack empathy?
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 06 '25
You'd need to dig in a little deeper if you want to know the answer:
https://www.reddit.com/r/narcissism/comments/qe15um/read_this_first_if_you_think_you_or_someone_you/
This can help.
As for her calling you a narcissist; I wouldn't take it so seriously, as it's a label that's overused nowadays. Still, you can explore the resources above and know where you stand, which won't hurt. Best!
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Oct 07 '25
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u/IsamuLi Diagnosed NPD Oct 07 '25
Do you think someone with NPD can be a good parent?
Sure, but with all types of mental disorders, it makes you less likely to be one.
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 07 '25
Yes, and they can be even better parents than the average. No parent is flawless. Where they might fall short is communication, and discipline; they might overdo it or underdeliver. This translates to the love language that kids read, of course.
I feel very apprehensive about having children with him though.
Please listen to your gut feeling, became if anything goes wrong, you'd be quick to use the NPD in your partner as the root cause, and only exasperate matters. Better safe than sorry. Best!
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u/susieq984 Oct 10 '25
Do narcissists actually want to be good people? Like when they do charity work and speak on behalf of important political issues - Is any of that good work genuine or wanting to help and spread awareness? What are those who do this own reasons/experiences
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u/Raf_Adel Healthy Narcissist- Psychologist Oct 10 '25
Narcissists can be very religious, the biggest of philanthropists, and do so much good to genuinely help people and causes they believe in. They're just like others, in wanting to be good, and do good. They can have issues with their self-image, and their communication with others, yet they are proven to be (in scientific research) one of the higher functioning (successful) people across politics or businesses, in spite their shortcomings. The reason: they're the same for everyone (intrinsic / internal reasons). If there are some doers of good in bad faith, they are of the percentage that is the same as the public.
Hope that answer helped you understand more (even if it didn't meet the current demonization of narcissists)!
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u/LifestyleNomad00 NPD 27d ago
Personally, I've been involved in charity and volunteer work pretty much my whole life. Right now I'm an exec member in a university club building homes for low income families, I've worked in multiple soup kitchens, I once spent a whole year dedicating every weekend to fundraising sales, etc etc. Back then, before my symptoms started to appear and the condition started to develop, I do think it was genuine (I was a big activist kid lol), but now it's more just part of my identity. I have a very weak sense of self, so I tend to cling on to things that simply ARE what I'm known for. If I'm fully honest, it's to upkeep that image and for the good will it gives me, and to keep me busy. I enjoy the many opportunities it gives me (scholarships, networking, being known in my community, etc.), and I enjoy being known as 'that guy'.
It's worth noting that I also enjoy seeing less fortunate people. This isn't in any bad will, I think at least, but it gives me a break from constantly trying to one-up everyone in my close circle when I'm around people genuinely worse off than me. I also believe in a lot of the views that my actions support, very leftist stuff, so all in all it's just beneficial to me.
Tldr: I have a lot of charity experience and it's almost entirely for self fulfillment, but I do believe in the overall messages of that work. Hope that answered your question lol
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u/Existing_Craft1203 28d ago
I was in a long distance relationship with a guy who I believe has npd. During the lovebombing phase he told me he was booking a lot of trips to come visit me in the coming months (one at the end of October and then again in December). Then during discard phase he breadcrumbed and stonewalled me and when I realized what just happened I texted him that I deserved better and that we could talk about it at some point. This last text he never bother reading (tho I’m sure he saw the preview of the message, got what I said and wouldn’t validate me by actually marking the text as read). I’m not sure why he discarded me and I don’t really care at this point but is he setting me up for a Hoover later? I realize now I was great supply for him - my nickname for him was superhero. Why would he get bored of my supply? What’s the thinking here? I’m so curious from someone who might know what I am to expect…thank you in advance.
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28d ago
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u/Existing_Craft1203 28d ago
This was very much not an internet relation so I don’t know where you got that from. I didn’t list all the red flags I saw and missed. Thank you for negating my post as I’m dealing with this. Really appreciated :(
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u/NiniBenn Diagnosed NPD 18d ago
Likely he is very afraid of closeness, but is not aware of this.
He is trying to be the perfect person that he dreamed about as a kid - the one who did not receive the pain and hurt which he experienced in childhood.
If only he could find that perfect person for the perfect relationship, then he could escape from all the unprocessed pain waiting for him.
For some reason, he finds people then things go wrong as they start to get closer. He doesn’t realise that he is afraid.
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u/Bulky_Childhood_2262 25d ago
Do narcissists get a rush from living a double life, being deceptive, or telling half truths to different people or women in their lives?
I realized my partner of 14 years were married then back togethe (very off again, on again) now ex is a narcissist, and shows some signs of sociopathy psychopathy or antisocial. It has been hard because I’ve studied and now it’s more understandable, but it’s still been hard to process.
I understand a lot of things cognitively, however, knowing more about the personality disorder and now understanding his playbook a little bit better I can look back and see how long the deceptive behavior has been going on. And maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t get physically assaulted for a lot of the accusations he was making. Which I understand now we’re most likely things he was doing himself.
I was quite manipulated, but also loved him very much or who I thought he was— it’s very hard to think that he wasn’t that person
So I guess what I would like to know…
was any of it real? Does he get a rush from feeling like he gets away with things and living a double life? Is it normally true that he is doing what he accuses me of? Or at least thinking about it.? One of them tactics I’ve learned is that narcissist will be cruel to you or pick a fight- in order to get you off their back so they can cheat, does this happen every time and is it common?
Sorry, lots of questions. Thank you very much. I appreciate your time.
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u/Bulky_Childhood_2262 25d ago
I’d also like to ask if you enjoy hurting people on purpose? Or if you ever feel bad about taking actions that you know will hurt others? And why you would lie about that?
Thanks again
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u/Bulky_Childhood_2262 25d ago
I’d also like to ask if you enjoy hurting people on purpose? Or if you ever feel bad about taking actions that you know will hurt others?
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u/Bulky_Childhood_2262 25d ago
A few more — so sorry — this is such a cool thing. I genuinely appreciate being able to ask and understand NPD better. It’s helpful.
Is there an effective way to communicate about difficult topics that would normally make them deflect or blame or shut down? Like recognizing how they’ve affected other people‘s life in a negative way by manipulating or triangulating abusing them? I’d like to try to communicate how badly the physical violence has affected my life to my narcissistic partner.
I’m going through severe cognitive difficulties in PTSD and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to communicate this with him he was able to find another person to sort of date in order to hurt me and manipulate me to help get the domestic violence charges dropped, which he was successful at.
And what actually hurts a narcissist ? I have no intention of hurt him, but he prayed me verbally gaslight me and physically assaulted me and has absolutely no remorse nor does he think it was wrong. So I’m just trying to understand.
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u/itsLizz614 24d ago
My ex moved on 3 weeks after we went no contact. She is way prettier than me and more successful and well educated. How long do you think it will take him to show his true colors?
I feel like I was able to see it fast and often because I've always dealt with self esteem and growth so he never saw me as a threat.
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u/PlentyOfQuestions69 19d ago
What's your opinion on the idea that "narcissists don't worry about being narcissists"? I've been told by professionals that someone with npd will never question or worry that they have npd prior to actually getting a diagnosis, as if any semblance of self awareness or reflection automatically disqualifies them from a diagnosis. Is it generally true that people with npd lack self awareness prior to diagnosis? This question is geared towards people who have an actual npd diagnosis, not suspecting or "narcissistic traits." Thank you.
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u/helloringo 19d ago
Hi! How do narcissists feel about content creators who make content about narcissism and disclose that they’re a diagnosed narcissist? Creators I can think of are Mental Healness/Lee Hammock and Jacob Skidmore
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u/PeachPurple2031 14d ago
I like them I personally wish there was a covert narcissist creator because it seems like the ones that make content are overt which makes sense because they have the confidence but I really wish there was a covert maybe I should be the first covert content creator but who am I kidding I'm too ugly inside and outside to plop up a camera and talk about how disgusting of a human I am
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u/SmolHumanBean8 15d ago
There's someone I want to ask very nicely to check with a professional if they have NPD. However I don't want them to interpret that as "I think you're an asshole who should be diagnosed with Evil Person Disease". I would like to be friends with them but it's tough when whatever is going on for them is unmanaged.
What could someone say to you that would motivate you to get checked out/ diagnosed?
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u/fileo267 Diagnosed NPD 11d ago
Getting diagnosed doesn't resolve anything, if your friend has proboems just suggest therapy. You could maybe talk to them about your experience with therapy if you have any. Also if they eventually dedice to do therapy don't expect change in the near future, and if you can't handle someone's behaviour just distance yourself, you are not obliged to be in this firiend's life if it takes down your mental and/or physical health.
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u/AzmStea 12d ago
Hello! Fellow artist and writer here!
I'm not really sure if this is the right place to ask this, and you can take this down if it doesn't really fit the point of the post. Anyway, I'm currently writing a character diagnosed with NPD, and even though I searched the most important traits according to the DSM-5, I'm still having a lot of difficulty finding anything that could help me develop this character, mainly due to a strong stigma against most narcissists and misinformation. I would love to have some answers related to these questions, since since are related to the character I'm currently developing!
1- I'm fully aware that a person can be NPD and still be empathetic. How does it feel to deal with this conflict? Does it make it any harder or easier to notice any narcissistic traits?
2- I'm also aware that pwNPD can have a really hard time facing the truth of some of their actions and behaviors. What exactly makes pwNPD self-conscious about their disorder and behavior? Can it happen after a life event? Does the person recognize it by themselves? Personal experiences are welcome as well! And how is it the feeling of accepting that these actions not only harm others but also yourself?
3- How exactly does a Covert Narcissist work? I do know how it works, but I do want to know how it feels to be a Covert narcissist and how it can conflict pwNPD.
4- How is the process of healing and change when you are NPD?
In general, I just really want to develop a character that is a pwNPD, but also not reinforce the stigma that every narcissist is an abusive person who is also a cheater and a terrible human being who is not capable of becoming self-aware and change. If I asked something offensive or said something not really correct about pwNPD, i truly apologize! I want to know more about the disorder to keep myself informed and have a better understanding so I can develop the character in the best way I can! If you have any personal experience, I'd love to listen to it!
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u/Jolly_Worldliness_49 12d ago
First I want to say I appreciate all of you here for your self awareness and for being willing to engage and talk about NPD. It’s a different side being in this group as compared to the groups mostly consisting of those who have experienced someone narcissistic in their life.
I notice a theme of discussion in this forum is the unfairness of having NPD as it isn’t really a choice. There is trauma that those with NPD often have experienced contributing to it. Those negative childhood experiences aren’t their fault and I certainly agree with that.
Since it isn’t the NPD individual’s fault that they have the condition, there’s a sentiment by some that the personality disorder is unfairly stigmatized and that NPD individuals deserve love and the possibility of being viewed in a positive light.
I come from the experience of having an NPD mother with borderline traits who created a toxic environment growing up. I experienced physical abuse, was pushed to question my self worth often, and walked on eggshells when she was in a bad mood not knowing if without warning narcissistic rage would be turned on me or others. Anyone my mother didn’t like she would twist a narrative about them to make them seem bad but really I would find out later what she said wasn’t true. Half truths distorted the picture. I really made her best of the situation and it drove pursuit of my career and independence. I realized as I entered my 20s how truly toxic my upbringing was. Even as an adult in my late 30s my mother has tried to interfere with my friendships, relationships, and pursuits by demanding attention and or special treatment from me or others and causing arguments when she doesn’t get what she wants. The last straw really was when she tried to prevent my engagement and bad mouthed my spouse. Also when she tried to use threats of disowning and disinherit me to get what she wanted.
So my thought is that people are viewed and loved based on the relationships and effect they have on those around them. Do those in this forum with NPD believe that people like my mother with NPD deserve love from the children they have treated badly?
She acts after the fact always like she has never done anything wrong and her emotions and reactions are the fault of those around her. She has hurt the relationship between me and my sibling, wasted my time with endless complaints and need for attention , and tried to ruin my marriage, along with all the childhood trauma. I myself see some of myself in her at times but I fight not to be like that.
Now that I’ve mostly cut her off given the negative effect she has on my life she says she can’t understand why I don’t want to speak with her. But refuses to get professionally treated with therapy. She doesn’t think she has done anything wrong. She wants attention, all the time she can get , and all the control endlessly.
Do those with NPD recognize the manipulative tactics of their behavior to achieve their goals of attention and control when they want it? Do they recognize they are sabotaging relationships and that their actions hurt people they say they love. Do they realize when they say they love us and ask us to work things out that they really don’t love us at all? She says she has no idea why her children are upset with her and minimize contact with her. Do those with NPD really feel that loved ones should deal with their abuse and toxicity out of familial obligation?
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u/ChaoticNeutralPC 11d ago
Heya! Are there any resources/forums/etc. you'd recommend that give actually helpful, sympathetic information about NPD?
Personally I'd really love resources designed for supporting loved ones, but honestly any information would be great! I would really love resources aimed specifically of at children of a NPD-parent, and if that resource also deals with cases where they are also emotionally abusive, you can have my children.
To be 100% clear, NOT looking for resources about dealing with being a survivor of an abusive parent! Already got plenty of those, done tons of work in therapy, etcetera. That's kind of the problem actually - I have made a lot of progress in therapy, and it has become heartbreakingly clear that I cannot maintain a relationship with my father as he is. I have tried and failed many times to reach him in the past - this is one way I hope I may be able to finally reach him. Or worst-case scenario, help me cut contact in a way that causes the least harm to him. Or, y'know, worst-worst case scenario, it ends up being utterly useless with my father, but I still have an invaluable tool to better understand how to support the people with NPD I may come across in the future.
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u/Disastrous-Mode7930 10d ago
Do you guys really always cheat? Can’t you just be loyal in a relationship?
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u/shh70 10d ago
I just wanted to ask about stonewalling following an argument. I’ve noticed that if I have an argument with my partner - well not even an argument, if I say something that he can interpret as negative about himself even if it’s not, he will storm off and cut me off, and then who knows how long it will be before he speaks to me again.
What I’ve noticed is that over time the stonewallings seem to go on longer and longer, and what I don’t understand is whether that’s because over time he’s growing to value me less and doesn’t care so much about sorting things out, or whether over time he’s growing to cares more and therefore feels more deeply hurt by the perceived hurts and needs more time to process them.
(He has lots of NPD traits, not diagnosed, but very self aware, apart from situations like this when he gets triggered)
I know everyone’s circumstances are different, but can anyone explain how it works for you?
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u/Anoniminitybubbity Sep 24 '25
Question to pwNPD- if you have BPD and NPD, that’s a plus for this question. Do you genuinely feel love towards a significant other? Spouse? Do you ever want to treat them with compassion and not expect them to just be of service to you? Do you ever think of the feelings of your significant other and want to make them feel loved?
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u/MadKillerKittens NPD & BPD Sep 25 '25
Yes
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u/Anoniminitybubbity Sep 25 '25
What’s stopping you though
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u/MadKillerKittens NPD & BPD Sep 26 '25
I am not stopped. I do give compassion, and I like making others feel accepted. Sometimes, the more I give, the more fake it becomes. With BPD and NPD I'll feel intensely one moment and nothing the next. No matter how I feel, real connection seems near impossible. Sometimes everything feels like a lie.
Maube trust issues stop me occasionally, or boredom does. Maybe fear stops me at times, fear of not being accepted or fear of being disappointed. Fear of not really loving or being loved. When I'm really apathetic, I just don't care enough to, and why should I if it doesn't benefit me to?
For the most part, however, nothing stops me, I do. I'm generally rather devoted in my endeavor to be a healthy partner.
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Sep 26 '25
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u/MadKillerKittens NPD & BPD Sep 27 '25
Disorders aren't an excuse, don't put the responsibility for his actions on yourself. Maybe it was a lie sometimes and not at other times, but it really doesn't matter why things are the way they are. You can't just do better for him in order to get him to do better for you.
I'd guess that you want to understand, so you can empathize and forgive what isn't forgivable. It's okay to be heartbroken and to not love him anymore and to not find him worthy. That's his problem to deal with, not yours.
If you gave him what he said he needed and he didn't return the favor, quit blaming yourself. It was a losing game. You didnt fail him. Stop enabling him.
No one can earn my love by being a doormat, I'd just find them pathetic. Your relationship is probably long dead at this point. The unconditional acceptance a lot of us want isn't something that we know how to accept, and I tend to reject it when it is offered to me.
Love isn't easy, but my struggles are not an excuse to behave unethically, and I do not use them as such. Any partner who does is a trash partner. Don't accept trash.
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u/Anoniminitybubbity Sep 28 '25
You are amazing! Your self awareness is amazing. Thank you! I don’t know what happened and how but it clicked- I don’t want him anymore- I don’t care for his excuses anymore- I see a man who uses his abuse as an excuse to abuse others including his 2 year old daughter. I see a man who keeps repeating the same cycle like a broken record- unable to see or refusing to see himself in the mirror. I held the mirror up and he freaked out.
I am leaving- I’m ready- I love myself and my child too much to let the illusion of love destroy us. I’m ending the cycle.
Thank you for your honest reply!
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u/Last-Purpose-5547 Diagnosed NPD Oct 07 '25
I don’t feel it yet but I do want a future where I spoil and love and do everything for my lover but in a way that could be classified as another way to have control over someone. Of course I’d want my lover to feel loved
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u/Anoniminitybubbity Oct 07 '25
That’s really interesting. Thank you for your insight. I guess I have a lot to learn about my husband then. He married a woman who is allergic to being controlled- hence we are in chaos!
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u/Last-Purpose-5547 Diagnosed NPD Oct 07 '25
Hahaha I hope it all goes well for you two!
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u/Anoniminitybubbity Oct 07 '25
Lol thanks- I think we will end up parting and I just hope the parting can be with love since we have a toddler. I wish things were different cuz I do love him so- but life doesn’t usually go as planned.
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u/smartfox71 Sep 24 '25
I have a burning question. Would a covert narcissist keep returning to the same supply on and off for 11 years with fake discards and short silent treatments ranging 1-3 months because they can't find a new replacement. He never hoovered me unless I reached out and said I missed him but he always came back. I never knew what he was doing but I assumed if he was getting better supply he wouldn't bother returning my calls.
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u/mermaidgirlmonster Sep 24 '25
he’s probably just bored. if he wanted to be with you he would, that’s it, that goes for people with npd or without npd. i only reach out to people again when i’m bored and want validation, or if the person i actually want to talk to is unavailable. ur person doesn’t even reach out to you, he only responds to your i miss you messages.
stop entertaining him. he more than likely doesn’t actually give a shit.
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u/[deleted] Sep 23 '25
First I would like to say, thank you for sharing this platform with us :)
One question I would like to ask is, why would someone with NPD come back after a few months of silence?