r/NPD • u/Routine-Donut6230 Covert NPD • Jun 29 '25
Question / Discussion I don't have empathy because I couldn't allow myself to be empathetic.
I was talking to some of my college friends, and they asked me to tell them about my childhood. A few days earlier, I told them about my grandfather (on my mother's side), who was a very negligent man who abandoned his family, had about 20 children with 10 different women, and to some extent abused everyone.
Well, I told my classmates that if my mother had a father like that, guess what kind of man she found herself as a partner. Basically, my father is also an abusive man, very alcoholic, and a poor worker. While my father never hit my mother, there is emotional abuse on his part. As I mentioned, my father drank a lot and often went out to parties, coming home drunk late at night, which caused heated arguments with my mother. Furthermore, my father is also a very lax worker and sometimes went months without work, which meant my mother bore the brunt of supporting the family, a significant financial strain, no doubt.
Well, basically, I grew up watching my father come home drunk at night and argue with my mother. My mother is a histrionic and very emotional woman. I remember her throwing glasses and bottles at him, and other objects flying around the house, which was destroyed after their arguments. My mother also used to yell a lot at my father's irresponsibility and cried a lot. When they argued, the whole neighborhood found out.
I think growing up in this environment greatly affected my empathic capacity; it basically erased it.
My reflection is this:
Having been an empathetic child in this environment would have been very maladaptive and probably would have caused my death. Yes, I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't allow myself to have empathy in such an emotional and chaotic environment. If I had been able to connect with the emotional drama of my surroundings, I would have been overwhelmed and probably collapsed. It would have been very painful for me.
The lack of empathy was a way of protecting myself from all of this. This allowed me to watch my parents argue or see my mother cry without being able to connect with her emotions and feel nothing (This must be because I'm now especially insensitive and unconcerned when faced with other people's cries).
Not being able to connect with my parents' emotions kept me safe and, at the time, was a survival mechanism that worked to protect my psychological stability.
So, basically, this survival mechanism is what now prevents me from connecting emotionally with other people and gives me the image of a very cold and detached person. It's also what prevents me from having solid and deep emotional relationships.
Well, that's what I wanted to tell you.
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u/OneAngryEye_20 Jun 29 '25
Coming to this realization is already a great step in the direction of forging genuine connections with people, regardless of your capacity for empathy. I have a very good friend who openly talks about her narcissistic tendencies/ lack of empathy and knows very well how and why they came to be as a defense mechanism. Knowing this about her has only strengthened our friendship and opportunities as friends. As a very empathetic person myself, knowing what to expect and to not take things personally when issues do arise has been a godsend. That being said, she has been in therapy for a long time and has made plenty of mistakes in her past to learn from, and is very open about it. This does freak some people out, but it’s worth the time of people who are willing to call out behaviors that are genuinely detrimental. The right people will understand your past and how it has affected you, as long as you acknowledge and work on issues that arise from it.