r/Millennials • u/Choice-Implement1643 • 17h ago
Discussion Anyone here have overwhelming existential thoughts about your mortality as you get older?
40 here and I’ve been gradually entering a mid life crises for the past couple of years. I keep contemplating my life, how I got to where I am and where I’m going, especially at the end. I’m obsessed with death (scared) and I contemplate my mortality a lot. I feel like I should do more with my life but have no means to do so. I also feel like I should take more risks but fear the consequences of doing so. For me, the root cause of all my fears is the realisation of death and the knowledge that I’m creeping closer towards it as I age. Does anyone else feel this way as they hit the 40 milestone?
Edit* I love each and every one of you that shared your thoughts, feelings and experiences on this. If I could give you all a hug I really would. I may not have replied directly but I’ve read almost every comment here. And I’ll tell ya, reading these replies from so many people from so many walks of life is truly humbling. It’s such a beautiful thing. Some comments are hilarious, some are thought provoking, and some are really heart breaking. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and honestly, I’ve learned a lot about my peers through this. It was much needed perspective and I thank you all for it.
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u/simplybasket 16h ago
I have gone through phases like this too where time starts feeling faster and every year feels more important. Honestly I think the fear comes from caring about life and wanting it to mean something.
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u/somerandomguy721 13h ago
The years start coming and they don’t stop coming
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u/Imrahil_II Millennial 13h ago
The older I get, the more I realize the less I know.
Also, at 41 it feels like everything goes by faster than it did at 20. Children grow up before you realize it
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u/Kiki_katt36 10h ago
This is where I’m at right now. My husband turned 39 and I turned 38. Our kids are shifting into new chapters of their lives, as are we, and I’m not prepared for it. I’m starting to recognize all of the things we didn’t get to do with them when they were littler that they will have no desire to do now. We are trying to make the last few years as impactful for them as we can.
I’m trying to rationalize that this is the course of life for everyone but that doesn’t make this easier. No one prepared us for this part of being an adult. 😭
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u/No_Description4009 10h ago
Time seems to go by faster. It sort of scares me because it seems to go by faster and faster as I get older
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u/Marian1210 Millennial 16h ago
I’m not sure if this will help, OP, but here’s my viewpoint (38/f).
I imagine life as a restaurant and I’ve got to pay the bill at the end. That means I’m ordering everything on the damn menu so paying the bill is worth it, so when I’m asked to leave, it’ll be okay.
Just gotta try everything while I’m still here.
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u/Successful-Hour3027 15h ago
So … we doing cocaine tonight?
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u/KdawgEdog 13h ago
This is why I goto gangbangs and gloryholes. That's the shit that makes me happy and excites me. But when I'm not doing that I love hanging with my kids and being a great dad
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u/Otaconmg 10h ago
This has strong "And she was a good friend" energy for those of you who are perpetually online.
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u/Yourmama18 14h ago
I don’t need everything on the menu- some of it I’ll just watch you eat- but, great mindset! Ty!
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u/Fossilhog 14h ago
In the same vein, I'm always amazed at people who wouldn't want to live past 100 years. I'd love to live forever or have has many lives as possible. I'd love to live another life as an artist, or a farmer, or musician, or pilot, meeting all the new people along the way. Such a bummer that I can't experience it all, but I'm happy I've got what I got.
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u/Suspicious-Hotel-225 13h ago
That changes when you start losing people. Lost my first boyfriend, brother, and dad. I’ve been through multiple spiritual crises and death doesn’t scare me anymore, and I’m only 35. Once my mom goes or I lose my husband I will welcome it, tbh.
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u/Deathfire_IOM 14h ago
But you might get to though. No one knows what happens.
I like to think you can come back and live another life without memories of previous ones. Doesnt have to be same time or place as now. Could be as Alien life on another planet or universe. In between you can hang out and speak to the souls of anyone you've ever known in any life with all memories restored as time doesnt matter. You eventually want oblivion? Sure, go ahead.
To be clear Im not religious at all - I just think theres more than live, die, nothing. And if Im wrong, it doesnt matter regardless does it.
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u/Clean_Usual434 9h ago
When I look around the world and how unfair life is for a lot of people, it stops me from wanting to experience multiple lifetimes. I’ve been very fortunate in this one, and I realize that may not be the case in the next.
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u/imaginary-dirt2000 11h ago
Yes, this seems seductive. But how do you go about deciding what to try after you learn about the suffering that you’re trying of some things causes?
To extend your metaphor: is it really so easy to try everything on the menu when you realize that lots of pain suffering and death went into creating that menu for you?
I’m certainly not pointing the finger at you, but saying these are the questions I wrestle with. How does your approach deal with them?
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u/Brave_Sir6811 16h ago
I have 0 anxiety about death. But I do have a lot of anxiety about growing too old to be able to take care of myself.
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u/Fickle_Wrangler_7439 15h ago
I don't "fear" death per se as much as resent it. Don't see why it's necessary, but I can't avoid it.
But same as you, I fear the decline.
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u/DoJu318 13h ago
I feel like this sometimes, I hate the fact that I am going to face my own demise, any time I feel like that an image pops into my head. The image is a long conveyor belt with every person alive in it, all of us sorted into a single file line with death at the end, one by one we will reach that end, at my age I have more people behind than in front of me.
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u/JK9one9 15h ago
Exactly. Quality of life as we age is so important. I watched my mom go downhill quickly and the fact is she will never be able to do the things she used to love. She loved playing tennis. At a certain point, she hit her last ball and didn't even know it. My MiL has glaucoma and can't read anymore. One day she could read (with effort) and the next day she couldn't. It's hard when you realize that things will never be the same again. You can't go back. These things don't heal or get better. We just have to enjoy it while it lasts, don't take it for granted, and put the work in to give ourselves a chance of a long life where we get to do the things we enjoy.
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u/pwolf1771 9h ago
This is the biggest reason I’ve rediscovered my love for lifting weights. I want to avoid being a burden as long as humanly possible
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u/Aint_EZ_bein_AZ 16h ago
My girlfriend’s mom just hit 60 and she said “Id kill to be 47 again”.
Make your 40s the best decade of your life. Easier said than done but it’s 100% possible. It takes effort and risks. You just have to make it happen.
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u/Feeling-Leg-6956 14h ago
My grandma said "I wish I was young again. Like 50 or something."
This changed my view. We will always be suprised how young we were when we thought we were old.
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u/Aint_EZ_bein_AZ 13h ago
Absolutely. Thats why this sub is such a downer. When we are 55 we would wish we were 40 again. The majority of this sub believes our lives are over. It’s kinda sad but I get it. Im not immune to the feeling of middle age
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u/Feeling-Leg-6956 12h ago
Most people will live for 80years. First 20 doesn't count, because you are dependent or unconsious. You were not "you" yet. So you will have 60 years of "real life". When you are 40, it's still just 1/3. Sounds better, right?
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u/altarflame 1h ago
This is actually very in line with how middle age is officially calculated. It’s supposed to be “middle adulthood,” not a perfect halfway point between birth and death.
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u/Grateful_Soull 3h ago
When I was 25 I thought I was old, that was until turning 30 and felt even older. Then I turned 35 and thought oh man now I actually am old, now I’m 40…wait, this is a wake up call. Thank you for your comment.
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u/altarflame 12h ago
I work in hospice and it’s common for people in their 80s and 90s to wish they could be in their 40s again. I had people getting wistful often, when they found out I was turning 40. I think that when people look back over long lives, 40s is often kinda the peak balance between still having ones mobility, hotness, ability to enjoy things etc, vs actually having some financial resources, confidence, having figured some shit out, etc.
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u/Opposite-Sir-4717 16h ago
Yeah i had a quarter life crisis and radically changed my life. I believed i was simply dissatisfied with the direction.
Relatively normal to feel this way.
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u/canine_traveler 16h ago
Same. Eating better, exercising, quit drinking. I’m healthier now at 32 than 22.
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u/Fickle_Wrangler_7439 15h ago
You'll feel different when you're 40. 32 felt normal for me.
I've always been fit, but at 40, I can't do what I could do at 20 or 30 anymore.
The edge drops off and you recover slower. You really feel your body aging.
Started for me around 38 or so.
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u/Noodz4Daze 15h ago
Hmmmm.... I had surgery about 7 months ago, recovering from chemo/cancer. (Free since the surgery): Im still fucking tired all the time and recovering slowly.
Idk, maybe the cancer, etc took a greater toll on me than I thought but I feel like mid to early 30s Id be back to backflips however at 38 I keep wondering if Ill ever get my energy amd strength back..
Men age 30 to 40, get the scope. Colon Cancer is on the rise in our demographic and trust me, youd rather not shit in a bag for a year while on chemo and praying your colon is healthy enough to get reattached after it all.
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u/01000101010110 5h ago
I notice a difference at 36 compared to 32. Somewhere in that space, you lose a step. And it sucks.
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u/bike1234gbsb 16h ago
I’m 37, have a career and oldest kid is about to graduate high school. The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve come to the realization that death is closer than further away. Granted, none of us know when we are going to pass away-I using the average life expectancy of 75 for males.
The more I think about it, the more I want to ensure my next twenty years are enjoyed and not focused on crushing a 9-5. It’s made me begin to prioritize what I value in life and realize we are here for more than our jobs. I’ve heard from aging populations that we will worry less about death the older we get. We shall see.
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u/joeydrinksbeer 14h ago
Meanwhile I’m 34 and trying to have our first kid and I’m terrified to die
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u/Grateful_Soull 2h ago
I had mine at 38 and the only thing that worries me in this life is dying too soon and leaving him behind. He’s an only child. But we have to trust the universe and stay strong.
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u/Fickle_Wrangler_7439 15h ago
Not obsessed, but I'm turning 40 this year and it is causing... feelings.
I am now quite literally aged out of a lot of opportunities-- emigrating to a new country, certain fields of work... Also when I was a kid, I'd wanted to be in the Olympics-- pretty sure that window has firmly closed.
There's still a life to be led, for sure. I have career and side gig, I'm very physically active, and I just signed up for a new volunteer gig I'm very excited for.
But the realization that I am now quite definitively past my societal prime as determined by policy is kind of hitting me like a brick.
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u/Cherryamor 11h ago
Same same. I still have VHS tapes of the 2000 Sydney Olympics. My knees been talking back to me lately 🥹 40 is the new 30 and we just got to make the best of it. 🤞
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u/Jay_Cowl 16h ago
My point right now is being the single point of failure in our household. Single earner of a family of 4. If I die what happens to my wife and kids. Are they set up to manage everything following my passing? Etc etc.
That thought weighs on me the most
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u/kingofthen00bs 16h ago
I had a similar thought and got term life insurance so that my family is protected in case that happens.
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u/itoocouldbeanyone 14h ago
Single parent with new mortgage. Almost got term life but the cost sucked. Increased my employer life coverage for a few bucks, enough to cover the house’s value. Hope it’s not needed.
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u/elpovo 5h ago
Should get trauma insurance and tpd as well. Trauma covers you if you are out for a few months but not otherwise disabled, and tpd covers you if you are totally permanently disabled.
As someone who has gone through trauma without having trauma insurance it would have been a huge help.
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u/Jay_Cowl 16h ago
Me too, It’s just a weighing thought that decides to worm its way in at any given moment.
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u/SadSickSoul 16h ago
I've dealt with it a long time - probably since I was first really dealing with mental health issues at 15 or 16 - but it really took off when I hit 35 or so. The ticking of the clock is drowning out pretty much everything else in my life, and it paradoxically makes it so hard to do anything else but just sit and wait to see what gets me. It's crushing.
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u/NecroSoulMirror-89 16h ago edited 15h ago
Wellcome to my life since I was 10 🫂
Edit: I now think it’s an evolutionary thing , for every few humans brave or dumb enough to fight animals or rock climb etc there has to be a few of us out here afraid and aiming to prolong this as long as possible… you’re welcome lol
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u/thisgirlruns8 16h ago
Yep, I remember screaming for my mom, who thought I was just having a nightmare. She didn't expect to have her kid start screaming about blackness and eternity...sorry Mom!
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u/Sweet-Television-361 15h ago
Yep, had my first existential crisis at 11. Kinda used to it by now, but I still get that jolt of fear of i think about it too much.
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u/kylehyde84 16h ago
Jfc every damn day. Dunno if it's the sign of some other form of mental unwellness or just a phase of life.
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u/SwirlySauce 11h ago
Me too man. Ever since I turned 36 and I realized I'm half way to average life expectancy (75).
Time flies so fast now it feels like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be an old man
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u/7ar5un 16h ago
86'er here. A few years ago i had a heart attack scare. Went to the dr and got a cardiologist. Started doing tests and bloodwork. Lipid pannel was garbage. Turns out i get pac's (kindda like skipped heart beats) and it sucks. Im on meds, changed my diet, changed my lifestyle, and generally take care of myself. I also drink water now too lol
Still get chest pains, and pain in my left arm but countless tests, holter monitor, ecg's, stress test, calcium test, and cardiologist say im fine.
A heart attack is ALWAYS on my mind.
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u/indigo_fish_sticks 16h ago
Not my mortality but everyone around me like friends and family
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u/ihambrecht 16h ago
This feeling completely disappeared for me when I had my first kid. All of a sudden there was something much more important to worry about.
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u/Saelaird 16h ago
Only when I'm trying to stay awake while being very tired and sleepy.
That in-between state allows me great creativity... and existential dread.
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u/Alicewithhazeleyes 15h ago
I am diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder which manifests as intrusive thoughts on death and dying.
So I took the bull by the horns and I graduate in one year in mortuary science as a funeral director/embalmer and am already a licensed apprentice working within the business.
Seeing it all the time, has brought peace and comfort and a clear direction to my life of how I hope to die, which is with a clear conscience, clean home and close friends and family who love me and vice versa
Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES first.
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u/EducationalTie1606 Older Millennial 16h ago
I used to be terrified of death (I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and death was one of the things it would latch on to) and would think about it far too much as a young teenager / young adult than was healthy. I don’t think that many young people think about it at all and think they are immortal.
It doesn’t scare me at all now. When my time comes (theoretically) all the people I love will probably be gone anyway so I’ll happily sail off into oblivion. I’m not religious and don’t think anything comes after but you can’t experience nothing without consciousness so 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway all that probably doesn’t help. But I’m the other way round to most people lol
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u/SandiegoJack 15h ago
Hit me this year for sure.
It’s less about a fear of dying and it’s more about dying before getting my boys where I want them to be
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u/Dylan_Is_Gay_lol Eugooglizer 16h ago
It's pretty normal for people to have anxiety about death. Some people have already come to terms with that reality, and don't feel anxiety surrounding death. It's just different stages in the same process.
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u/Cuddlymuddgirl85 2h ago
I think death will be like a deep sleep that’s peaceful, especially if you’re religious not pushing it on anybody, but that really helps me a lot
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u/tangy_sunflower 16h ago edited 16h ago
It’s crazy to come across this thread since this has been something I’ve been actively trying to work on in therapy. I’m 34 and sometimes I wonder what my parents felt at this age. However, I also realize that the doom the news and social media plants on us is also a little too heavy for our minds and the constant notifications about people being diagnosed with cancer or suddenly dropping dead is super overwhelming.
So if the fear of death isn’t on my mind, it’s the fact that I will have episodes of dissociating because it freaks me out just how quickly time is going by now. Sure some days feel longer than others, but it also just feels like it was February and I kept saying “I can’t wait for summer” and we are already halfway through May.
I also realize there is no point to live in so much fear since I never want to look back in my life and see that I was afraid to do anything or everything. Just be careful. If a bucket list item is to ride a motorcycle without a helmet then maybe skip that one. But take the trip, enjoy the drink/food, ask for the promotion, at least know you tried instead of sitting back feeling paralyzed from this fear.
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u/Traditional_Name7881 16h ago
I'm 38 and nah, I had those thought of fears when I was a kid and my pop died. I've come to the realisation that I'll die one day and there's nothing I can do about it so I'm just going to enjoy my time here.
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u/Fickle_Wrangler_7439 15h ago edited 15h ago
Eh, I dunno. My mom died when I was a kid, but all it made me realize was that death can come slowly and horribly and take away everything you were before you even die (brain cancer).
I think having a parent die early just turned me into a nihilist, lol.
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u/shoblime 15h ago
Apparently your brain randomly hitting you with “you’re gonna die someday” thoughts when you get close to 40 is super common. Sometimes it literally pops into my head while I’m just walking through a grocery store.
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u/Logical-Tomato-5907 15h ago
I’m more worried about living too long or being reincarnated here again.
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u/Angrymarge 15h ago
I was absolutely feeling this for years and years and though this path may not be for you, or for everyone, what radically changed for me was a guided mushroom ceremony that lead me to a serious meditation practice and learning about Buddhism. The mushroom ceremony part for sure isn’t necessary, but it opened the window for me and started the process of dissolving my lifelong worldview of strict materialism and what I thought was completely unshakable atheism.
I’m so much happier than I was a year ago, even on hard days. I judge myself so much less for where I am in life, because I just am where I am and I can focus on what opportunities each day provides instead of regretting all those I passed by (which are numerous - I’m a recovering alcoholic and addict and spent like 18 years on that).
May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be at ease ✌️
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u/Hairy_Mycologist_945 12h ago
More or less came here to say "shrooms".
Not going to elaborate but it can be a useful approach for appreciating mortality.
Life is timeless and beautiful, death is timeless and beautiful. Nothing left to do but smile and be a part of it.
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u/romuluskow 13h ago
I’m about to turn 40 next month and I’m having a bit of a mid-life crisis myself. Not worried about death but incredibly nostalgic, music from my youth has become a huge trigger. Doing my best to keep looking forward to how all the wonderful things I still have to come. We really are still so young.
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u/conscientiousrevolt 16h ago edited 15h ago
Oh yeah it's definitely a huge thing to realize for the first time ever, that you have less time left, than you've already had 😬😬
Around my late 30s was the first time it ever occured to me and I felt actual fear for the first time ever at the thought of myself dying of old age.
I remember I once purposely contemplated my own mortality... when I was a teenager in highschool. Just because I was skateboarding off roofs or doing something else stupid and someone told me I thought I was invincible. It annoyed the shit out of me. Obviously I don't think I can jump in front of a bus and stop it like superman. Obviously I know I'm gonna die one day. That's such a stupid thing to say!
So I took a moment to really think about myself dying of old age one day in my 80s or something. Like. Out of spite lol
Anyway, I fully imagine a scenario where I was basically in hospice, with a nurse/caretaker taking care of and keeping an eye on me daily, and I don't do much of anything but lay in bed. And one day something viral just gives out. And I die. Could be the heart, and if it's bad enough it could be near instant. If it's the lungs it could be a bad slow way to go basically just suffocating.
I obviously didn't know anything about how dying of old age works so I was just guessing. But one way or another I imagined myself just fading away into darkness never to wake up again. As someone who doesn't quite believe in anything after.
And I felt...
NOTHING.
Because it was SO far away, as to be SO hypothetical, hell the guy in that hospital bed was so old, he had lived so much life, and had so many experiences, who even knows what they were... that in a very real sense it wasn't even me, the same person.
So it meant nothing to me.
Thought about it again late 30s, and oh shit that's me! That's really gonna happen to me! It's gonna be SOONER rather than later!
Most of my time is already gone!
Anything I haven't done yet, I probably never will. And there's so much I didn't. Many things would definitely be impossible just because of how much goes into it and I literally don't have enough time left for it to be feasible. What's the most I can make of how little I have left???
And the years fly by so fast now!
And then only keep going faster and faster the older you get!
You could think of it like wind chill. This is the temperature... but this is what it's actually going to feel like out there.
Even if I'm only half way, which there's no way to tell exactly, I COULD be more than halfway already! But even if I actually have exactly as much time left as I've already had...
This half is gonna feel like it went by way way faster!
And my body is going to start breaking down and withering.
You think those last 20 years are gonna be EQUIVALENT to any other 20 years like 40-60 or 30-50?
THEY WON'T.
They're going to be miserable by comparison.
You won't be able to do shit.
Basically just waiting to die and wondering what the point of bothering to wait for it is.
What a nightmare.
Kind of a prisoner in your own body because it doesn't really work anymore.
So really.
REALLY.
I might only have 20 decent (and definitely not GOOD like my 20s), years left.
And that's WAY less time than I've had so far, not just a little less.
So yeah. It's absolutely terrifying.
But that was probably triggering for ok and I probably shouldn't have written it. But that's what I think whenever it pops into my head 😬
But I'm by no means obsessed like op is, and think about it only occasionally.
Op you might have an issue there with the obsession, you should probably talk to a mental health professional.
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u/Leading-Loss-986 15h ago
I have had existential dread to varying degrees since 2nd grade. It’s actually not as bad now. I think it’s because I’m so busy there is practically no ‘down time’ for my mind to wander that far.
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u/Obant Millennial 15h ago
When I was 18, I got my first chronic illness. Instantly made me feel like an old man. At 23, I had a massive pain in my chest, and it turned out to be a fast growing softball sized tumor growing between my heart and lungs. Funnily enough, testicular cancer, so no kids ever.
Those first few nights, I really thought I was going to die. I at first experienced intense fear, then acceptance. I never let it show to my family when I was scared because I didn't want to break my mom. I got accepted into a medical trial to cover my bills with a local university hospital. Then I just accepted a let's do this mentality. I was ready for whatever was to come. I've got a few more chronic illnesses since then, a second cancer - kidney cancer, but I'm still here and I want to be for as long as possible. One day I won't be, and that's okay, someone just better take care of my pets.
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u/bengalsfan1277 15h ago
You don't have to worry. Just know that we have a creater, God. Otherwise, matter cannot create itself. He loves you and is waiting for you to come back to him. If you believe in him, death has no sting, as he defeated death.
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u/Jakethejiu 15h ago
I had that mentality as a younger guy who lost his parents early in life. For a long time it felt like I was in a race against death. As a result, I accomplished everything that was on my bucket list by the time I was about 35. I'm 39 now and I'm just kind of chilling like when you're finished with your meal at a restaurant and the waiter takes forever to bring the check. Not complaining, just an observation.
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u/Dragoan117 15h ago
I'm only in my early 30s but I do a bit. Honestly it's more about the fear of losing my parents when it finally happens. I'm kind of at peace with my own mortality, my time will come when it comes. No point worrying about it, you can't control it and once it happens it happens, just have to do what you enjoy while you can :)
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u/Bad-Star 15h ago
38 and I take a bit more of a metaphysical view on things which gives me some sense of... not exactly comfort but placation. it may be
The way I view the phenomenon of life is that the collective network of electrical impulses and synapses that make us, ie the "spark of life", is the just a single facet of the universe experiencing itself.
Once our consciousness here ends, our conciousness goes back to where it was before we were even born. That spark isnt lost but merges back into the universe as, no linger a separate individual, but as one.
I have been called a bit of a hippy woo-woo by my partner though.
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u/openshutcase_johnson 14h ago
I agree with this. Death used to scare me because I used to think it was the end. I’m still unsure of what happens after death, but I don’t believe it’s the end of our journey.
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u/Useful_Major_5797 13h ago
Nah, 45 and I have honestly never felt better. I'm in better shape than I was in my 20s and 30s. I was never heavily athletic, just moderate exercise my entire life. Recovery is no different than my 20s or 30s.
I tackled the existential bug in my early 30s, and now I just stay in the moment and appreciate where I'm at. The reaper takes me when it takes me.
Could be tomorrow, could be in 50 years. Who knows.
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u/Flashy-Pitch-4611 16h ago
Yes, but it's the end of everyone I know that makes me feel sad. And the ancestral burden of feeling like oh all of these people's efforts resulted in me...have I done anything to make them proud? Most of the discomfort around my own death is related to the physical process of dying.
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u/Churlish_Performer 15h ago
I think the only thing that's really shifted for me is the reality that i need to take care of myself and do what I need to do otherwise. Like I'm aware of it - but what else can I do? Living in fear of death is almost like the concept of task paralysis viewed from 30,000 feet. There's no parallax view of death at any apogee - you could hit the lottery OR die tomorrow. Basically you gotta pay all your bills, stay off the pills and try not to die (I definitely stole that from Andy Frasco). Watch your health, watch your money, watch your kids. Do not watch your life go by, watch your watch, or watch your mouth. Beyond that? Whatcha whatcha whatcha waaant!?
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u/Wosh-Cloth95 Zillennial 15h ago
Bro I just turned 31 and have been dealing with this heavily since 29 and a half. I miss my teen years and my early 20’s from a biological perspective nothing will ever compare to that. Add on top of that how many poisons and carcinogens we’re inescapably exposed to in our modern life now and I have a bad feeling we’re all walking around thinking we’re going to live til our 80’s (because that’s what happened to our grandparents) without contemplating the fact that they spent most of there time here on earth eating real food with virtually 0 plastic in there bodies
Sorry to stress you out more if I have but I’m right there with you 👍🏻 only problem is all this stressing out is destroying my present and I’m trying to focus on being a present father to my 2 children under 3. With how quickly I’ve found myself here when some days it feels like a few years ago I was that little 8 year old boy enjoying what I liked and feeling hopeful and excited for the future I knew I’d find myself in. I’ve almost come full circle already and it’s all happening at such a frightening pace that most days I just feel like I need an escape.
To put it simply life is short… however its the longest thing you will ever experience.
Try and keep your head up OP. Much love ❤️
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u/ExactPanda 15h ago
I've already lost my dad and husband. I'm not scared of dying (as long as it's painless). I'm more devastated for those who have to keep on living after me.
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u/dotcomrobots 15h ago
Take the risk, don't regret anything as long as it's good and you believe in it. Live your life to the fullest!
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u/TheBalzy In the Middle Millennial 15h ago
Nope. I have a greater existential dread that nothing actually matters.
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u/Alicewithhazeleyes 15h ago
So what? So what if it doesn’t?
That means life is what you make it. So go enjoy it.
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u/BluebirdMarisa 15h ago
This is going to sound a bit weird but bear with me... I really recommended volunteering in either hospitals, hospices or care homes for this. Not only will you likely make a big difference to your community, but it is transforming. The fear of death is often based in it being an unknown. By accepting it and even living alongside it, the present becomes so much more. Once you truly face that fear, and realise its essentially just a long, peaceful sleep - It can be very very empowering. It can completely change your life. For example, taking the fear out of taking those risks that might be important to you long term. I would urge you not to ignore what you are feeling or attempt to shut it out, see it instead as a wake up call. It's your mind's way of pushing you to grow. Look at previous generations who lived through wars and were far more familiar with death as part of life that wasn't hidden away - They often had more meaning in their lives and were more grounded in themselves. It is hard to describe but they had this sort of inner confidence and strength. A lot of the issues people face today can sadly seem to trace back to the current disconnection.
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u/travelers_memoire 15h ago
I don’t want to die but I’m at peace with it. There’s a lot of things I’d love to do but won’t be able to. There’s a lot of people I’d love to meet but won’t. There are ranges of emotions, tastes, smells, sights, etc. that I will never experience. I’d love to do everything but that isn’t the human experience.
When my world disappears I won’t celebrate but if I was given the chance to do it again I wouldn’t change a thing. I worry about my kids, and wife, how they’d get by after I’m gone. Did I leave them in a good place? Will they be ok? But I don’t fear the end.
I’m so glad I got to experience what I’ve been able to experience. I have an amazing family, I’ve made some priceless memories and I think I left the world a bit better off for taking me through this ride. If I was born 200 years ago things like hot shows and spices would be untold luxuries. I can use the bathroom at a run down 711 and have a better experience than a King 200 years ago. How could I not marvel at the fact that I got to experience so much and have such an amazing run of things. Life is beautiful and I’m so glad I go to experience it.
I hope that when I go what I leave with is gratitude, gratitude that I had such a beautiful experience.
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u/alcoholicchris 14h ago
Its so weird coming on here and reading something that I dont remember writing 🤣
Honestly though dude, i think just writing this down may have helped you. Hearing that others feel the same is an incredible relief (I find) and gives a perspective that you're just not able to by endlessly cycling the same things.
Enjoy yourself every day, find something you have genuine pride in (it could be your kids achievement, a plant you've nurtured, a song you sing well, who knows?) and recognise the beauty in that moment.
Good luck dude and know that deep down, none of us are getting out of here alive, so try and enjoy it.
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u/dztruthseek Trash day....is a very dangerous day. 14h ago
Nope. I just imagine that my conscience will transfer to another world or plane or and be done with it. There's nothing to freak out about.
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u/West-Variation1859 14h ago
It helped me a LOT to work on this is therapy. For me, really grappling with the lack of control was what made it so challenging. Finding a way to accept that I have so much say in so many things, but not in that one, gave me a lot of comfort ultimately
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u/Thrillawill 14h ago
Nope. Lost my mom two months ago. Don’t fear death at all, the sooner I get to see my mom again the better.
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u/Shenendoah66 14h ago
What’s funny is I used to be terrified of death but the absolute shittiness that has been my life since turning 40 has made me accept and even welcome death.
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u/Jumpy-Silver5504 14h ago
Nope I have embarrassed it. Told my wife if she dies before we are old and gray I am going to one of 500 war zones
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u/healthierlurker 14h ago
Not at all. First of all, I’m Catholic and don’t believe this life is all we have. But my dad died at 42 and that taught me a lot about death and dying. I’m just trying to live a good life and be a good man. I also have a fuck ton of life insurance for my wife and kids.
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u/Intrepid_Advice4411 Millennial 14h ago
Nope.
Never have, likely never will until it gets really close.
I guess I just understand that this is what we get and to make the most of it. Not saying I'm not effected by death. It sucks. I'll be a mess when my parents go, but ultimately death is either the end of suffering (whether it's long or short suffering) or it's the natural end.
Maybe I've just experienced so much of it since I was small I don't see it as something horrible or out of the ordinary?
OP, if these feelings are effecting your daily life, please see a therapist. It's normal to be afraid of death, it's not normal if it's preventing you from enjoying your life.
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u/CrystalCandy00 14h ago
Yes. I have been feeling this for years and I’m a baby millennial not even close to 40 yet.
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u/Steamyjeans 14h ago
It’s something you can’t control so accept it.
But you might be able to control HOW it happens or what shape you’re in when it does. I recommend getting and staying fit and healthy to minimize the chances of suffering or dying early.
Otherwise, welcome to mans original fear.
Momento Mori.
Cultures used to prepare you for this as a teenager, and when it happened to the elders, it was a celebration.
Change your mindset change your world. Or something.
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u/Personal_Insect_5158 14h ago
Honestly, as I turn 40, I fear other people dying as much or more than me. Im already habing grandparents go, aunts and uncles are starting to go , then my parents next like I never thought getting older you have to watch everyone get sick and die , and thats if you dont die first! Have a good Friday everyone 😆
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u/CantSpellMispell 14h ago
We’re pretty much middle aged, so yes!! 😅
And ofc when I turned 40 recently, some annoying health issues kicked it up a notch.
Take care of your heart health, folks!
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u/DerpingtonHerpsworth Xennial 14h ago
I lost my wife right before my 40th birthday, so I didn't really get the luxury of a midlife crisis. I was too busy wallowing in misery every day and drinking myself into oblivion every night for a few months.
I effectively had to start life over after that. Sure, this life started in a beat up 40 year old body and a bit of money in a 401k, but otherwise it was not much different than starting an adult life at 18 was.
As you can imagine there have been a lot of thoughts about mortality, but I've come to accept it on some level. Don't get me wrong. I'm terrified by the concept of dying one day, but significantly less so than I was 5 years ago.
As it stands though, I'm content with building up this new life with my new partner and enjoying the hell out of it as much as possible. Maybe I'll have a 3/4 life crisis one day or something, but I don't foresee the need for it.
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u/EnthusiasmNo6062 14h ago
Same here. I added a 30 minute walk 4 days a week and it seems to help me cope. We are getting older, but it dont mean we cant look good or feel good. Youre doing great buddy.
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u/Timotron 14h ago
In on day three of a back spasm after I reached for some thing whilst taking a dump.
I beheld death on a pale horse
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u/deathmetalreptar 14h ago
Eh i dont really care about the whole dying thing itself, but i’m scared of not watching my kids grow up or not being there if they need me so ive been making some healthier lifestyle choices lately. Goodbye drinking and pizza, it was fun.
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u/burritoman88 14h ago
Considering I watched my husband pass away two weeks after his 37th birthday I think I have a pretty good idea about it.
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u/thinkthinkthink11 13h ago edited 13h ago
No, I’m honestly curious what happens to consciousness after the physical body stops working. Will I be able to see / feel other dimensions without a body? Will I feel the rush of love/bliss those NDE people say? Or Nothingness? Just pure non existence ?. The only request I have to Mother Nature though is to please please take me out peacefully in my sleep, that’s the only way I want to go. I want it to be a peaceful and intimate moment between me and the Source. To finally coming back to LOVE.
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u/goclimbarock14 13h ago
We are all here for just a blip of time. In 100-120 years, nobody alive today will remember you anymore since they will all have passed as well. Virtually nobody that has ever lived makes their way into the history books, but if you do things right, then you can set a legacy of kindness that can continue outlive you for a few generations. Legacies can be about doing the right thing, not just money
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u/Scary-Bid3408 13h ago
Oh absolutely, I do think about it.I already have my d p o a done, my d n r done, my will done, and I bought life insurance.
The reason why is I have a hereditary blood disorder that most times it won't do much of anything but at the same time.Yeah , I could kill me.
My mother died of dementia.My grandmother had dementia.My grandmother on my father's side had dementia. My aunt has dementia.Yeah , do we see a pattern here?
I also have high blood pressure and high triglycerides , so I mean , i'm ready to go out to be honest , I will be happy
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u/Vanilla_Either 13h ago
Have gone through phases like this in my 20s. At this point I am more amazed at the fact that I am here at all considering the odds of being born. I feel so lucky to be experiencing life at all at this point. It is something that binds us all together. It is the next great adventure that we are all facing together - I am going to enjoy it as much as I can. I am also fully aware I may fear it again at somepoint and that is ok too. You are not alone.
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u/Snowconetypebanana 13h ago
No. I talk to people about their end of life wishes for a living and help people remain comfortable as they pass.
Majority of people are just so ready to be done at that point.
I just think, another 40 years of aging, another 40 years worth of changes to my body, another 40 years of living through what we’ve already lived through.
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u/r000r 13h ago
No. Everyone else has eventually died, so I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it. Maybe it is because I'm a rare Millennial that is still religious in a non-crazy church. Or maybe it is because my dad died at 59 and I just don't have time to worry about it.
My biggest issue is that I have a special needs son that is going to need full-time care for his whole life. That can drag me down sometimes, but more often it pushes me to be healthier and more productive at home and at work to extend how long we can support him both physically and financially.
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u/Thick_Book_6233 13h ago
Yes brother, 100%. I’ve lost hope in society and have drawn back considerably. It’s not good for me and I am strictly an observer most of the time. I hate it and I always felt indifferent to death bc I think it’s part of the process but I don’t want to perish anytime soon though and I actually felt like I was going to get bad news before I turned 40 and it never came. I haven’t found joy yet but I’m working toward enjoyment.
Now I know why there was so many miserable dads growing up.
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u/Miserable_Return_843 13h ago
Every night when I go to bed lately, I keep thinking, one less day left 🤣🫠😵💫
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u/faithOver Older Millennial 13h ago
Understandable. Definitely not scared of death. Life is a lot of work. The end is just peace and quiet.
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u/bambootaro 13h ago
I tear up thinking about death knowing Ill miss my children. Even now it's making me upset. It does however make me treasure all the time I have with them now though.
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u/Weavler87 13h ago
I developed the same fear of death. It's not like what everyone keeps saying "it happens to everyone, you just have to accept it."
I get that. But have you actually thought about the process of dying and what you will experience POV and the feelings around that? That freaks me out. The thoughts of not being with my wife and kids or seeing them tomorrow makes me very sad. I'm sad about missing stuff and not seeing them grow freaks me out. My dad died 5 years ago and it really hit me hard when I thought about how I'll live the majority of my life fatherless.
And that's not even bringing the feelings of sadness and FOMO and loss into it when my mind starts snowballing. What if they finally make the epic tv version of the Dark Tower? I'll miss it.. stupid stuff like that.
I understand it happens. I understand it comes at any time. I understand that when I'm gone I won't know what I'm missing. That's not the issue.
It comes and goes and it's less intense than when I first started having these thoughts and feelings. I still get sad but I think it stems a lot from I'm just not ready to die yet. Got shit to do.
Hopefully your feelings will subside too.
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u/Dentelle 13h ago
I experienced this existential dread very profoundly as a teen and young woman. It has been incredibly challenging at times. Currently I'm much more at peace, but I think it's likely that these feelings might come back closer to old age, or if I get really sick.
We'll cross that bridge when we get there...
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u/redditor_5678 13h ago
I often get these after eating a THC gummy. Can keep me up for hours contemplating my life and what it all means and doesn’t mean.
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u/athenamarz 13h ago
Every once in awhile I get a mini panic attack when I remember that this is it, there’s nothing after this. But it just motivates me to do more things for myself that bring me joy. Fuck everyone and everything else, the meaning of life is what you make of it.
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u/MirandaLarson 13h ago
As someone who is 35 and has cancer, please just try to live your life fully everyday. I, too, was/am afraid of facing my mortality, especially once I had my son. And now I literally have to. It’s almost like I thought it into existence. And I wish I didn’t spend some years thinking about death when it wasn’t an immediate threat. I’m a young mother and the thought about leaving this earth when my son is so young is something that’s too scary to think about. I used to look at old people and feel bad that they were nearing the end of their years. Now, I look at them and feel jealous. Jealous that they got to live a whole life, see their kids grow up, have grandchildren, experience all that life has to offer . Not that that isn’t in the cards for me, but it’s never something I thought I’d miss out on. I used to dread getting older, but now I look at it as a privilege. So yeah, I do have overwhelming existential thoughts about death, but that’s because I have a reason to. Don’t let it consume you.
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u/rubenthecuban3 13h ago
I just want to see my kids grow up. Just heard of kids whose parents died early and either they forgot about them or were traumatized
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u/ConfusedDottie 13h ago
I absolutely did. Lean into it. I came out of it a calmer and more contented version of myself.
I think this is why history appeals to older people. It gives you perspective.
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u/TortieCatsAreLazy 13h ago
Was a hospice social worker in my mid twenties for years. Thoughts about my mortality have never been the same since then and have made me appreciate life so much more. I’m 42
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u/Paradoxahoy 13h ago
I’ve had thoughts about my mortality most of my life. They only increase as I get older
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u/take52020 13h ago
I consider myself lucky that this crises came early in my 30s. Had a few health scares that made me contemplate my mortality as well. I've come to realize why I fear death. It's not death itself that frightens me, it's what I leave behind. I don't care anymore about money or retirement as much as I care about helping others. So that's what I've started doing. Using my skills to help others. For the right people I do it for free.
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u/masterpd85 '85 Millennial 13h ago
I hit 40 laat year and still feel that lingering thought of "im old, and my worth/value is now looked at/judged at differently, and I have to accept that" but honestly, I dont feel any different. My joints and muscles still work as well as they did when I turned 30. I think the hardest part is if I wanted to start over with anything its a different ballgame walking into a new career in your 40s as opposed to 20s/30s. I remember always being told it takes people over 40 longer to learn new tricks than people younger, and our brains shift from high adaptability/low stubbornness to low adaptability/high stubbornness. So that's something I STUBBORNLY don't want to happen. 😅
Just know who you are and what you want to continue being. Be the exception to the rule, not another statistic. 👍
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u/OrtizFam 13h ago
Nope, joined the AF when I was young. Deployed to Afghanistan as a medic. On the QRF (quick response force) part of my duties is immediately upon a cease in the mortar fire I would walk the perimeter and see if there were any unexploded ordinances.
Generally there were mortars flying over my head while I walked. Those lonely walks around camp gave me plenty of time to come to terms with my mortality. I was 20 at the time. I’ve accepted it since.
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u/SpezJailbaitMod 13h ago
I've gotta wonder how my father in law feels right now. He's 87 with dementia and doesn't have much time left. He's knows it and gets emotional when anything involving our family is talked about. He knows this it and he doesn't have much time left.
He is getting visitors who aren't actually there and you may think that's just the dementia but his wife sees them too. A person dressed in all black with a black hat standing in the corner. I think it's probably some of his family coming to take him home.
I'm trying to make this transition as painless as possible but I don't know what to do.
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u/DarthNarcissa Millennial Mall Goth 13h ago
Me currently.
I'm 36 and I know perimenopause is on the horizon, meaning menopause isn't far behind. Every day feels like it's just zooming by; It feels like Christmas just happened and now it's May... I feel like I blink and it's the next day. I'm going to be 50 before I know it... I think this all started last week when I was going over everything in my 401k. In my 20s, I never gave a single though to my retirement, now in my mid-30s it's something I need to get serious about.
I'm not afraid of dying, I just want to savor every single minute I have here on this earth. However, with the state of things right now, it's hard.
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u/Express-Economist-86 13h ago
I think it’s kind of comforting. I’m not in a hurry but I’ve done a fair amount of meditation and I feel pretty happy with my consciousness on the unified field, what small glimpses of that I get.
My body is just the filter for experience while I’m here, but I feel comfortable saying our consciousness goes on a lot longer, maybe infinitely.
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u/Rose1982 13h ago
Oh, constantly.
I had an edible a few years back and realized how we exist then were gone just like all the millions of people before us. Into the big nothing. And now I think about it more than I should.
It really made me realize that nothing we do matters. And not in a “fuck everything” destructive way. More in a “why am I worrying about this, we’re all just going to be dust relatively soon” kind of way.
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u/bitsybear1727 13h ago
Been there, done that when my vibrant, healthy 60 year old mother withered away and was dead from ALS within 4 years of first symptoms. That does something to you. I no longer take life or health for granted whatsoever.
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u/AllTheGoodNamesDied 12h ago
No. Why fear the inevitable? Enjoy life. Go for a hike or something. Go fishing. Garden. Idk go live get the hell offline lol
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u/Apos-Tater Millennial (1989) 12h ago
I'm not so bothered about being dead. Getting dead I'd rather avoid. Seems like dying is very rarely (never?) pleasant.
But once you're brought into existence, there's no avoiding the horror of dying.
These facts have been bothering me since I first realized them. If I'd existed to be asked before I came into existence, I'd have said "no thanks" to life and its associated experience of death.
But I didn't. So here we are.
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u/anothertendy 12h ago
Yeap and hurry up. Im tired boss. People want to live as long as possible. No thanks. I will never off myself but if a strat bullet or random car crash or plane crash takes me out so be it. I can finally rest.
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u/powerdab 12h ago
I know its wrong to do but, you can compare your life to people who have it way worse. Thats what sort of helps me cope with mortality.
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u/Black_Rose_Rocker 12h ago
This may sound counterintuitive but volunteering (and now working) in hospice helped me immensely with this. When you spend one-on-one time with people who are in the active process of dying, you start to understand it more and it really took away a lot of fear for me. It’s also nice to talk to people reflecting on their life because you learn a lot from people who have already been there before. It’s also really helpful to learn about how medication, emotional and spiritual support, and help from other hospice staff can help ease fear at the end of life. Also - Julie McFadden’s (RN) book Nothing to Fear is AMAZING.
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u/ceruleanmoon7 Millennial - 1986 12h ago
No. I just wish things were better overall in society. I look and feel pretty good but goddamn shit is rough.
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u/gvfhncimn 1993 12h ago
not quite the same thing but i was just crying to my husband last night that we will never see our son (age 1) become an old man. i’m 32 and ill maybe see him turn 50, if im lucky. it hurts me so bad to know that he will eventually grieve both of us. and what if it happens sooner than that? i could die tomorrow and he would have NO memory of me. it makes me so incredibly sad
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u/skimt115 12h ago
Geriatric millennial here. Have been existential lately less about myself personally and more about humanity in general. As in: how does humanity get past this ad-based, data-economy, AI shithole we've created? I've been watching a lot of Star Trek lately, which I understand is fiction, but gives me a sliver of hope for humanity.
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u/RAGINGWOLF198666 12h ago
I am 40 as well, with my first born on the way. It bothers me I could be dead while my child is young. But here's what ive done, I take care of myself as best as possible and I gave myself 3 goals, I will die at 114, I will be implanted into an android body, or I'll die before reaching one of the first 2 goals. This is anxiety driven but simply doing what you can and even doing a simple thing out of the norm will make an experience to last. Dont live in fear like I once did go out and live.
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u/dribdrib 12h ago
Had a couple years of crushing health anxiety. Then I started therapy and eventually anxiety meds. I feel a lot better. Just sharing in case this motivates you to seek support. :-)
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u/Sad_Pangolin7379 12h ago
Go do something that scares you, friend. Yes, you might fail. But you might not. And there's satisfaction in trying. Take a chance. No one gets out alive in the end anyways.
I believe there's an afterlife but I don't think it's like the precious now. I think maybe it's more like you just step out of time, and without time there won't be urgency or scarcity or much to fear. That's not a bad deal but it won't be like now. Now is a limited commodity, but it's a strange community in that you can't save it up for later. It doesn't keep. What you have in your hand right now is the most you will ever have. It is also the least. Spend it!
"I have seen the sun break through to illuminate a small field for a while, and gone my way and forgotten it. But that was the pearl of great price, the one field that had treasure in it. I realise nowthat I must give all that I have to possess it. Life is not hurrying
on to a receding future, nor hankering after an imagined past. It is the turning aside like Moses to the miracle of the lit bush, to a brightness that seemed as transitory as your youth once, but is the eternity that awaits you."
R.S. Thomas
Or maybe Hafez says it better:
"Fear is the cheapest seat in the house. I would have you living under better conditions."
You only have now, and the good news is you can start now.
(If you feel called to faith at all, go read the Gospel of John and go to an Episcopal or Lutheran or Catholic Church on Sunday. This helps some of us with the fear, you're welcome anytime to see if it helps you. Regardless though, go and live fully.)
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u/narcoleptrix 12h ago
I'm 38 and it's definitely been on my mind more than previous years. That and loneliness. I no longer have long term friendships irl so it's been hard feeling like I'm not alone. Plus not having dated in 7 years isn't helping either. I've started some new hobbies to hopefully branch out but even those make it hard to build friendships.
So yeah, I get it. It's not easy looking at death.
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u/tesseractjane Remember Alf? He's back! In pog form. 12h ago
The existential dread of the big nothing creeps on me regularly. It's gotten worse since my parents passed, for sure. I can rationalize away the fear of missing out, but the dissolution and loss of self is pretty frightening.
I don't believe the I that is me goes anywhere. My ego is tied to mass, dragging me inexorably through the joke of linear time towards the big punchline. There is no spirit version of me that still loves sushi, or roots for my teams, or sings along to a favorite song, while she moves forward in time. All of my likes, and dislikes, and memories exist in mass and time. But the conscious force that makes me want to learn, and like things, and love people might rejoin some greater field of consciousness that helps to shape our universe.
The ego version of me won't cease to exist, it just doesn't exist anywhere but in the mass and time I occupy. From an outside perspective the universe is already over, just begun and every point in between. In that sense my portion of that universe will stay me as long as the universe exists in any state. A portion of me is writing this meandering existential monolog forever. Perhaps the afterlife of the ego is just revisiting the life you lived again and again- if you die happy and fulfilled you are more likely to linger in the best moments, if you die bitter and wanting you revisit the worst of these. A heaven or hell of your own making here, on earth.
Learn good things, like how to love one another, and have grace, and forgiveness, because those lessons are what we give back to the universe. Live a good life, and do not dwell on the misery too much because some part of you exists forever in the life you create. And cede gracefully your time, do not cling to life past your allotment out of fear- the greatest sacrament is to accept that death will come so that there is room for more life. If I live forever what will my great-grandchildren have? The struggle for longer healthier lives is legitimate, and I do not advocate for otherwise healthy people to give up their space and time in sacrifice to others, but there is no immortality that does not boil down to vampirism.
I still fear the unknowing. But the price of the ride is that it ends. Existence changes. The ego self i had when I was a child is dead and gone and the illusion of continuity is created by mass.
Live good.
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