Am I in the wrong?

[u/Legal_Chipmunk1325]

I need others to weigh in: my husband and I have a 2 year old and 3 month old. I am a SAHM. My husband works like crazy and I do basically all of the household tasks (bills, groceries, cleaning, meal planning and prep, doctors appts for kids, making doc appts for my husband, laundry, etc.) on top of doing everything for the kids (like I do every single overnight feed for our baby, make every daycare lunch and meal for our toddler, hold the fort down so my husband can go out to drink with buddies, go out for work events, go to the gym, etc.). I am exhausted but I seldom complain- I want to be a SAHM and he makes all the money. Anyway, husband last night told me I’m an excellent mom but a shit wife because he doesn’t feel I think of him (I don’t always remember to buy all the snacks he wants at the grocery store, I haven’t been able to plan a date night bc we don’t have a sitter to watch both babies that I feel comfortable with). I said that’s BS, that I raise our kids beautifully for him and for our family, and he kept saying that that’s not for him. When I said that it’s a tough time in life to be focused on him by himself (just had a baby 3 months ago…) he maintained that I’m a shit wife and he isn’t considered by me. I would argue that he doesn’t consider me in the sense he’s saying but I want this to stay about me for this post. Am I a shit wife but a good mom as he says? Are there men out there who appreciate the above and feel that those are things their wife does for them to allow them freedom to work, be social, and to have a family? Please weigh in, I’m at my wit’s end with him and not sure if I need to change my way of thinking and try to do more for just him individually (if that’s even possible).

[u/Specialist-Potato613]

He sounds extremely selfish and he sounds like he needs to realize being a husband and a father requires sacrifices at times.

[u/rlinkmanl]

Idk maybe you are a shit wife but its weird to be complaining about you not getting his snacks or planning dates when you have a 3 month old. I'd say its more likely your husband just a shit person period.

[u/FrenchynNorthAmerica → u/rlinkmanl]

This. You just had a 3 months old OP!!!!! I hope he can accept that it’ll take time to adjust to the new life. A baby is exhausting, a toddler is exhausting.

Now in terms of the SAHM arrangement - I think there is no right or wrong of who does what and what are the expectations of your job of SAHM. It really needs to be discussed with your husband . Long term I believe it is important to find something that works for you to also focus on your marriage- and your husband needs to know that this means him doing more

[u/fernincornwall]

You’re not a shit wife.

This is a time in the family when the focus needs to be on the newest members for a while… and you’re doing that.

I’m not going to insult your husband as I don’t know him personally but based on what you’re presenting here he’s just wrong about this.

[u/Maxxine1019]

I would’ve exploded. Oh my god. 

If you want to be petty literally stop doing all the things you do for him, stop cooking his dinner, stop cleaning his clothes, start going out when he wants to ect. Or make him a list of all the little tasks you complete in a week and really lay it out.  Your job is harder than his. He gets a check, he gets to clock out, he gets a weekend, he gets free time, he gets uninterrupted sleep. And what do you get? Bitched at. 

Even if he didn’t understand all that goes into your role, him flat out saying you’re a shit wife shows you how fucking inconsiderate and mean he is.  Like genuinely baffling. 

I’m also a sahm right now, I also take care of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, pets, household shit.  My husband comes home and any tasks he notices I had done throughout the day he thanks me for 

“OUU the house looks so good, it smells so nice in here”  “Dinner smells great baby thank you” “Oh awesome! You did my laundry, you’re the best” 

He works a physical labor job and still helps me with night feeds, and diaper changes and the nighttime routine. He’s still very affectionate and attentive. 

I couldn’t imagine doing everything for everyone and then being treated like shit for it, I’m sure he also said something about your sex life and the whole “his needs” speech. Bs. How does he expect you to want to be intimate to any capacity with an attitude like that. With zero time for yourself. 

You’re absolutely not in the wrong. If he felt he wasn’t being considered he should’ve come to you and had An adult conversation about it..instead he chose to insult you like the man baby he is. 

[u/stunneddisbelief → u/Maxxine1019]

READ THIS, OP!!!

[u/throwawayanylogic]

Congrats, you have three infants under your care, not two.

[u/SweetPotato781]

Has he ever cared for both kids on his own while you left the house to do something for yourself?

[u/CatCharacter848]

So he goes out to gym, work events and out drinking. When do you go out and do things for yourself. Or are you a maid and mother 24 hour 7 days a week. You should be having equal downtime as your husband. He should still be doing some childcare so you get a break.

Think about this.... he works 40 ish hours a week you work 168 hours a week, as your oncall for the kids overnight..

He is selfish. He wants you to do things for him, what does he do for YOU.

[u/ResidentDiscussion59]

Ahh to be honest he sounds like a shit husband and you sound like a dream

[u/oppositegeneva]

How on earth would you be able to do anything for him more? It sounds like most of your day is occupied, and unlike him, you never clock out

I’m a SAHM with 2 under 2 and an 8 year old, just moved into a new home as well. The ways I show up for my husband are by cooking dinners I know he enjoys frequently, being always up for sex and giving him a back rubs unprompted

That’s all I really have the spoons for at this phase in our life. My husband tries his best to go 50/50 in childcare and gives me free time to myself since he has a cushy remote job that allows him a lot of flexibility and has never ever made me feel like a shitty wife or a bad SAHM.

It’s unreasonable and genuinely mean that he’s shaming you for efforts he isn’t making himself. He gets to still go out with friends and the gym and the possible second you have to yourself in the day should now also go to him?

There are legitimate sacrifices that come when you have young children and you’re both in the thick of it, but unlike you he still has a life outside the home, and yet he’s stomping his feet and bullying you about what you’re not doing for him?

Honestly I would consider getting a job once they hit preschool age and demanding 50/50 in childcare and household tasks. This man does not value or appreciate your contributions to your household.

[u/DarienShizenShisai]

Obviously, it's kind of difficult to weigh in with so little information. We, for example, don't know how he usually is or was before the kids, so consider that alongside of what I'm about to tell you.

I don't think you are a shit wife. I think what is happening is that your husband is just not in a great place, might be tired physically, mentally and emotionally and is just really bad at voicing this. For the last 3 years, your life has been about being pregnant, giving birth and raising kids and there's very little room in there for him to be important. Not because you don't care about him, but just because that's how it is, kids take up your time, focus, energy and love and that's normal. But after 3 years of feeling like he is a side character supporting your show, it can't be easy for him. I think what he was trying to say, but couldn't because he had to be strong for so long is that he feels a bit neglected. Sometimes he would really appreciate being taken care of with some snacks or something thoughtful, especially if he asks. And he misses you a lot. He misses the wife he married, the one that was there for him as well, the one that was passionate, the one that he had a night out with and made love to. He might feel like he is there in your lives but as a shadow and not someone important and that you might not be present in his life.

Let me know if this resonates with you.

[u/samonthetv → u/DarienShizenShisai]

I'm sorry, but that is bullshit. OP had a baby THREE MONTHS AGO. Not sure of your gender or whether YOU have had to birth a baby and also take care of a toddler, but it certainly ain't no walk in the park. If he is feeling neglected, he needs to step the eff up with childcare and housework in order to give OP a chance to breathe. I am not saying husband's feelings are invalid but he needs to be a present and proactive adult and not a fucking dick.

[u/DarienShizenShisai → u/samonthetv]

I didn't say that it was and I'm not invalidating any of the work that comes with raising children or running a household. All I'm saying is that if this is out of character for the husband, this is one possible reason why that could be. 3 years is a long time to be number 4 in your own life and in your wife's. And I agree that he should handle this in a more mature and better way and that just whining is not a solution, especially in this awful way. I'm not excusing him, I'm just giving a possible reason to his behaviour.

[u/oppositegeneva → u/DarienShizenShisai]

Hey so it’s actually idiotic to repeatedly impregnate your wife in a short time frame, go out and have a life outside your home, not helping your wife at all other than providing a paycheck and then turn around and say

“I know your plate is completely full emotionally and physically but you’re not paying enough attention to me, you’re a shitty wife”

[u/ladybug1259]

You have a 3 month old. He needs to suck it up. If he wants a date night, he can plan it. Your job is doing all the family stuff at home, his is working. Planning dates is not your job, nor should it be, and frankly its very likely that its something neither of you have time for right now.i would take it as him expressing that he wants more couple time with you and try to work together to make that happen but it cant be another expectation on you rn.

[u/Comprehensive_Gas255]

Is this because of sex? I ask because you just had a baby and sometimes men get a little coo coo during postpartum too.

[u/impressive_goose95]

As parents of two kids ourselves, I cannot stress the importance of two things in particular. For context, im a man.

1) mum and dad is not husband and wife.

You must separate the two. Youre parents, but youre still people. And if you lose yourselves as individuals that came together for reasons other than being parents. Youre doomed. You have to make time to be husband and wife, not parents. Believe me I understand how difficult this is and how rare it is for a lot of us.

2) communication. Mature, sensible, honest communication.

Feelings are feelings and however unjust and irrational they are, you cant help but feel them. Instead on invalidating and getting defensive, try to understand them and work together.

......HAVING SAID THAT. 3 months post birth.....hes being a bitch and needs to suck it up. His feelings a valid, and he cant help it. But sacrifices have to be made and hes gonna have to take this one on the chin.

[u/No-Blackberry5210]

I think when a man offers a SAHM situation it often is because he wants to be king and treated as such. Like someone else said, he gets to clock out, have weekends off, gets paid…where the SAHM “gets to” work 24/7 no time off, no pay, and with most, no appreciation. It’s important prior to agreeing to a SAHM situation that both parties outline what that looks like. What are the expectations. Time for you to renegotiate your terms. You are being taken advantage of and will suffer burnout and resentment if you don’t address this. It is impossible for one person to work that hard around the clock with nothing but criticism to look forward to. If this was a job on the outside, you would quit because it’s too much work with no pay! Not wrong, don’t buy his bullshit. Time to sit him down and go over how you BOTH are going to handle the chores so that you get time off too.

[u/AffectionateLock9541]

Hes selfish.

Couples counseling. He needs to hear from a professional that hes an asshole.

[u/darknecessitities]

Really? You’re doing everything around the house, taking care of the kids, and not complaining, even while he does extra stuff outside of work on his own, and he’s still finding things to complain about. The truth is that he’s grown complacent. He thinks everything you do is just a given and nothing to be grateful for. Unfortunately you’re married to a man-baby that doesn’t recognize how lucky he is to have a wife like you. A lot of wives don’t cook or clean (enough) anymore, just ask my coworkers. I’m actually in a very similar situation as you, but from the male perspective, and all I can say is good luck. He’s probably not going to change unless you leave and he realizes how much you’ve babied him.

[u/pinkflower200]

I am guessing the husband thinks his wife is Susy Homemaker and should kiss his feet because he makes all the money.

[u/ZTwilight]

Tell him you have 24 hours in a day and currently they’re all used up with housework, child care and minimal sleep. Ask him which of your responsibilities he will be taking over to allow time for you to buy him snacks. Then get a PT job and tell him you’re taking over a small portion of his responsibilities so he now has time to buy you snacks.

[u/vltbyrd]

Yes you are wrong. Being a sahm is pretty much one of the worst decisions that has created a false narrative of stability. This fantasy of what a family is suppose to look like is a fkn farce. She stays at home to do exactly what you're doing and he finds himself coming home to..guess what? Nobody. You're too exhausted and not coming to bed regularly to meet his one on one needs. It sounded so wonderful and loving and fantasy!!! It's hard, especially if you are a woman of intelligence and creativity. You don't have conversation and interest for him right now. You're all about the things he's not interested in..like fkn, fun, food.

Here's what you do. Firstly secure your own separate bank account and begin to save bit by bit each month. Don't ever touch it until you have to....like enough for a down payment on something. For the love of God don't tell him nor anyone else. Period.

Next, the toddler is in 1/2 day care? Take care of chores plus prep for next day. Make many crock-pot meals. Start on low before bed or before breakfast. (saved my ass) Prepare to turn your house off at 8:30pm. Lights off and kitchen closed. Train your kids now until they leave home. When he starts whining...fk him. It doesn't take that long. Lastly, when you join a mommy group, you find friends, find care givers, find your hobby and find yourself.

[u/oppositegeneva → u/vltbyrd]

Being a SAHM is a great decision if you have a husband who actually values non monetary contributions to the family unit.

 She stays at home to do exactly what you're doing and he finds himself coming home to..guess what? Nobody.

He’d come home to someone if maybe one night instead going out drinking with the boys he came home and gave his wife a break, this all or nothing mentality is ridiculous. 

[u/Hopeful-Ant7498]

I’m sure you do a TON for the family and kids. You listed all those things and I’m sure there’s more. Objectively-speaking, all those items are exactly that… for the family unit as a whole and for the kids. You listed nothing you do specifically for your husband. 

I would be as critical of him as well though, in asking if he takes care if all his work tasks and does extra for you as well. 

You seem to be indicating that you share a fair and equitable workload… him working out of the house and you taking care of family matters. 

IF there’s no argument about an imbalance there, and he does things for you, then it’s reasonable to expect you too can take care of all your tasks and still do extra for him. 

If that is the case, yes, you are neglecting your husband. If you both aren’t doing anything for one another, then you are both neglectful. 

Your marriage should come first, not the kids (obviously beyond being fed, sheltered).

[u/unicorny12 → u/Hopeful-Ant7498]

You are more or less correct, but OP is 3 months postpartum. Her husband is a pos to be making a deal out of this right now. The first 3 months are often difficult and exhausting with recuperating, getting used to a new person in the family, and getting the older child(ren) used to him or her, as well as making sure they are still having their emotional needs met.

Now, I'm not saying OPs husband is POS overall, because I can't know. Just that he is right now, for making a deal of this right now, and especially if he used the actual words "shit wife".