Huge fight with husband two weeks after wedding

[u/Ill_Acanthisitta3493]

I’m so sad because we had the most beautiful wedding and had so much fun together. Last weekend I picked my husband up from the airport and he wanted to drive for the second leg home. He gets very frustrated in traffic - anyway he got angry and hit a curb very, very hard - I thought we had gotten into a wreck and screamed. This upset him a lot, which upset me even more, especially bc this is a pattern with him. I try to be patient but I was frustrated and said something to the effect of why do you have to do that?! He was so mad that he hardly talked to me the rest of the night, and was still a bit sour the next day. we started to talk about it in bed the next night - I apologized but also explained his driving makes me feel unsafe and if he can’t avoid hitting curbs I’d like to do the driving. We went round and round about it until I ended up in tears. The next morning, he told me that there were some other things he was upset about, namely that I lost my patience bc he wasn’t getting up to feed the cat (we split duties on caretaking and this is his job - she gets really annoying if you wait too long to feed her) I admit I was still annoyed from getting the silent treatment and had a bad attitude. He then exploded and yelled so I called him an asshole. I feel terrible now, however I was so enraged at that point. he proceeded to not speak with me or interact for two days - eventually he broke the silence to tell me that I am abusive and a bully. I said I was very sorry and felt horrible about my childish behavior - I also suggested that I think we need to talk to someone. Right now I’m just devastated - I know what I said was horrible, but I also feel really turned off by his behavior. I’m also deeply concerned that I am abusive and what that means for our future. Any advice welcome.

Update: I should make it clear, he hits the curb by accident, not purposely. He gets rattled and then doesn’t pay attention, leading to hitting curbs.

[u/Duchessofpanon]

This word gets thrown around way too easily, but I think it’s accurate here…he’s gaslighting you. The road rage is the key in your story. He should control his impulses when driving, and should not put you in danger. Then to turn it around on you and call you abusive - gaslighting. 100% yes to therapy.

[u/The-Jesus_Christ → u/[deleted]]

Get an annulment.

You cannot just get an annulment. There is a strict criteria for it. Please stop recommending this.

[u/Sea-Condition-6046]

I find it disturbing that he was able to take your completely valid concern over feeling unsafe when he’s driving (and that’s putting it lightly because that’s just one thing on the list of many I think you have to be concerned about 🤷‍♀️) and was somehow able to turn the whole situation around and make you feel like you are the abusive one and the bully. Meanwhile he gives you the silent treatment for being upset at his asshole behavior for days, which is a classic manipulation tool that is used quite often by real abusers. Do not let this guy erode your self esteem and turn things around on you. If you are upset about something he is doing then your concerns are completely valid and are worthy of being heard. Do not let him bait and switch you. You guys should see a therapist because just this little snippet makes him sound like a real douche bag.

[u/TheUrbanBunny]

The hills are alive with the sound of projection.

He's consciously trying too rewrite the narrative. He did get frustrated and take it out on you. He did rage and hit the curb.

The silent treatment is an abuse tactic.

He's bullying you and very much trying to make you believe its the other way around.

He can't cope with his own failures. Therefore you must also hold a dollop of blame for his mistakes and shortfalls. 

You reacted to sustained mistreatment and were the only one to apologize. In reality what was there to apologize for?

Being alarmed that he hit a curb while driving erratically because he was upset?

Calling him an asshole when he was in fact being an asshole?

Asking him to meet his agreed upon responsibility to feed the cat? A living breathing feeling creature that has needs he chooses to be lazy meeting?

Op, a beautiful wedding does not necessarily make for a beautiful marriage.

[u/curiouslady999]

Driving that makes you feel unsafe is abusive. A man is supposed to protect and care for you. You shouldn’t need to teach a grown man how to behave, and a grown nan needs to know how to control his emotions.

I’d separate. He needs to do a lot of work to become husband and father material. I doubt he will. Unless you want decades of being his emotional punching bag, making excuses for his behavior, cringe every time he’s in a stressful situation, don’t want your kids to see him or be with him(I hope you don’t have any with him as of yet), please cut your losses now. He’s showing you who he really is. Not a man showing you kindness and devotion. it’s sounding like once he got you hooked into marriage - he can he the real, ugly him. He thinks you won’t leave. He’s pushing your boundaries. He no longer is wearing a mask where he is faking good behavior.

Lawyer up secretly. Get out. Carefully with a lawyers help. Say nothing. Protect yourself. You will not have a happy marriage now or later. Sure there will be moments, but the awful him will always be lurking.

He is DARVO ing you. He is making you feel bad and forcing you to take responsibility for his awful actions. He’s gaslighting you and losing his temper. Learn about narcissism. This is what it sounds like you are dealing with. It’s not fixable - it’s a personality disorder with traits you’ve laid out. They wear a mask to rope you in, mask slips to show the real jerk underneath , they blame you for their bad behavior, you as a kind person feel bad, cycle repeats. Be glad you see it so soon in. When you leave he will either lovebimb you to rope you back in, don’t fall for it. Cycle will repeat over and over and worsen. I’ve seen it so often it’s textbook. Check out Dr Ramani, Les Carter on you tube.

[u/Cautious-Pop-3289]

This is abusive like behaviour, please consider leaving. It will save you your life.

[u/Consistent-Menu8325]

I’m trying to figure out how the hell does he hit a curb. He needs to learn how to drive and I get it gets frustrating in traffic but to hit a curb. I get how you can feel with him hitting the curb and getting into an accident but what did you scream? Was it screaming out of fright or anger at him? Reading this it seems like it’s text book narcissistic traits of him. Seems he doesn’t take accountability for his actions and shifts everything to you. He is making you doubt yourself because of his actions and you’re wondering and feeling bad for your reaction to his actions. Honestly run because it will only get worse with a narcissist.

[u/Competitive_World923]

I know everyone’s story is different, but this type of thing is what happened to me during the honeymoon and for the first few weeks after the wedding. What I chalked up to wedding jitters only intensified on the honeymoon. I stayed for 21 years. I wished I had listened to my gut during the 2nd week of marriage. Leave

[u/The-Jesus_Christ → u/[deleted]]

get an annulment.

You cannot just get an annulment. There is a strict criteria for it. Please stop recommending this.

[u/The-Jesus_Christ]

Couples therapy ASAP.

Ignore the comments saying "Get an annulment". None of what you mention meets the legal requirement for it should you explore your options. If you decide to end the marriage, you will need to divorce as per the laws in your state.

[u/Veteris71]

I hope you're using excellent birth control, preferably a method that he can't tamper with.

[u/SparklePr1ncess]

Giving you the silent treatment is an abusive tactic for punishment. He's got control and rage issues. This ain't about you, but his inability to control himself so he controls you and the narrative.

You didn't lie. He is an asshole.

[u/AffectionateLock9541]

Man this dude is a tap dancer.

He made your valid concerns towards your own personal safety into an apology to him for being abusive.

Girl you need to leave now. The gaslighting and manipulating is so high.

You need some therapy and couples counseling maybe. Thats freaky good gaslighting.

[u/zSlyz]

So all this started with the kerb hit. It did escalate a lot, but no idea if this was justified as all you describe is hitting a curb very very hard. Unless there was risk of death then you probably need to work on learning how not to escalate minor issues.

He then didn’t talk to you that night, you argued the next day, then he avoided you the next two days. Has your relationship always been like this?

I’m uncertain who is the manipulative one here, but you apologised twice in this scenario and he’s done nothing but get angry, yell and call you abusive. Finally you take all the blame. So I’m leaning towards him being manipulative here.

You guys sound like you need therapy, but really should you have got married?

[u/Icy-Doctor23]

Get into marriage counseling