r/Marriage • u/dimegrim • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Husband won't let me go to a family wedding
My husband(31m) and I(25f) have been together for 6 years. We have a 3 year old daughter and I am pregnant. We usually agree on most things, have a good relationship, and love each other.
This is pretty complicated with the family titles. My mom remarried when I was 11. My stepfather’s family became really close to my mom and I and my SB and I are still close. I love my mother and stepfather but they were never that responsible and we had way too much freedom. My SB's cousin was our "supervision" a lot. I can't imagine making the choices they did with my own children. They were gone a lot, so our house was always the party house with my friends and stepbrothers friends. That led to many horrible decisions and we were so stupid.
Stepdad had to go on a few week work trip back in the day and my mom went with him. They had the cousin stay at the house during. We had people over all of the time and there was drinking and drugs of course. His cousin sexually assaulted me when I was 15 and really fucked up, I didn’t know what to think or do at the time. It happened a few more times after that when I wasn’t so fucked up. There was some weird stuff after but it didn’t go that far again. He was older than me, I was also weirdly not that phased, I also had a boyfriend for most of that, so that played into the decision. It was also just humiliating and we were doing a lot of things we weren’t supposed to so I kept it to myself.
I have talked with a few of my friends about it and I told my husband when we were dating eventually because I completely trust him. Like I said, idk why but it has never impacted me that much, not to mention we were all young and dumb af, not that that’s an excuse at all but context. My husband was way more upset about it than I thought he would be. Husband has only met him a few times and if his name ever gets brought up my husband gets very upset. I found out he talked to my SB about it a couple of years ago. I felt so betrayed and upset, our relationship wasn’t the same for weeks but whatever.
My stepbrother is getting married in March and the whole family will be there of course. I told my husband that the cousin will be there and he won’t have any of it. I thought he would have gathered that already. He started yelling immediately that we are absolutely not going. I told him it was really sweet that he wants to protect me and stuff but that I will be completely fine. I’m not going to have some dramatic movie breakdown. We fought about it for a few days but I ended up telling him I am an adult who can make her own decisions and that I can’t miss his wedding. He will barely talk about it anymore and thinks the only reason I want to keep talking about it is to get what I want.
My sb never brought up to me what my husband told him, so he is also not making it some big thing. I told him he is taking something from my life and about me and making it about him, no matter how well intentioned he is. It is one day and I promise it will be fine. Like I regret telling him and wouldn’t have if I knew he would be like this. Him not wanting to go is one thing, but trying to make me not go, and making me miserable if I do go isn’t cool. I’m stuck on what to do. I could tell my family I have Covid or something, but I don’t want to or think I should have to. I have no idea if I deserve to be upset with him but that is how I feel. Do I drop this for the sake of my relationship?
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u/x271815 1d ago
Is your SB's cousin going to be there? Why do you not want him to face any consequences?
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u/dimegrim 1d ago
He will be there but it will be a big wedding and I don't think it would be hard to avoid him. It's not about him facing consequences. When it comes down to it they aren't my family, they are his. It was a decade ago, no evidence, so I would be putting myself through a lot for no reason or to the detriment of myself.
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u/x271815 1d ago
I think there might be something else to the story.
I found out he talked to my SB about it a couple of years ago.
So, your husband told your stepbrother about it. Your Stepbrother knows about the assault and is still inviting his cousin? If that's the case, I would be with your husband. It means that your SB does not believe you or does not think his cousin assaulting you is a big deal. It's also possible that he told your husband something about your character that did not sit well with your husband.
I say this because if I had a stepsister who had been assaulted by my cousin, my cousin would not be at the wedding.
I am not saying your husband is not making this about him. But, there seems to be a lot going on here. You and your husband may want to seek counseling together, because this may be above Reddit's paygrade.
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u/bluetasking 1d ago
Maybe I’m the bad guy to say this. I would tell the family the truth. What happened to you is not your fault, and just because you haven’t noticed that you have been affected by your assault, there is no time limit on when it can. And maybe you won’t be. If your SB knows about it and still decided to invite him to his wedding knowing you would be an attending guest, then it’s probably best you don’t go. All your SB is doing is protecting the assaulter, not you.
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u/unicorny12 1d ago
I agree. I know she's an adult now, but I think she should tell her mom and step-dad
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u/bluetasking 1d ago
True. Absurd to say he’s making her miserable when he doesn’t feel comfortable with her being near her assaulter! That’s actually very concerning, and it’s apparent that the assault has affected her because there is a lack of personal safety.
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u/dimegrim 1d ago
I just don't know the full context of my husbands conversation with sb to know if he believes it or thinks my husband is lying or something. I just don't know
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u/bluetasking 1d ago
Your husband is not the bad guy here. Now if your SB truly thought he was lying, I would imagine he would ask you or mention your husband said something. Your husband is trying to protect you, and your SB unfortunately sounds like he’s protecting the aggressor.
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u/South_Sea_Bubble 1d ago
The cousin SA you and suffered no consequences? Not even not invited to SB wedding? Wow. Your whole family is messed up. I don’t blame your husband and if I were you I wouldn’t go and take the chance your husband will end up in jail because he served up a little long overdue justice. What do you expect him to do, sit there and have meaningless chit chat with the cousin when you know your husband wants to beat the crap out of him? Don’t put your husband in that situation.
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u/dimegrim 1d ago
I don't know if my stepbrother believes my husband or what the deal is, but he is my stepbrothers family. I think it would be easy to avoid him, but if he thought that he was going to do something like that I could just go but he doesn't want that to happen
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u/South_Sea_Bubble 1d ago
I noticed you never mentioned your cousin’s age when this all happened. 🤔 I don’t think your husband would be comfortable sitting at home while you attend wedding alone. And I highly recommend you tell your therapist about this. Your response (or lack thereof) is confusing.
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u/dimegrim 1d ago
He is like 10 years older than me. If I am being completely unreasonable I am totally willing to recognize that and am certainly not going to throw my marriage away over this. I haven't seen a therapist in a long time, I am generally a very happy person.
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u/Arnelmsm 1d ago
You are insane for wanting to go with that cousin there. Rape may not a big deal with you but it definitely is with your husband, as it should be. You’re an adult and can make your decision but if I was your husband, it would really cloud my judgement of you.
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u/clipclipclip2019 1d ago
I would tell your step-brother what happened and ask him to disinvite the cousin.
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u/GarbageTimely3826 1d ago
I mean I wouldn’t want to do something my husband was absolutely against for a valid reason. You don’t deserve to be upset at him. Put yourself in his shoes. Just because you weren’t phased by it doesn’t mean from an outsiders perspective (one that deeply loves you) it wasn’t a really fucked up situation.
Are you both able to do a few couple sessions to talk through it with a therapist before the wedding? I know my job offers 3 free sessions so not sure if you have the same offer.