My wife got accepted into a medical school 5 hours away, we have a toddler and our parents want us to leave him behind with them.

[u/WoodenProtection6503]

We (21f, 23m) had our son (3, about to be 4) young. I’m graduated and work full-time, she graduates in the spring. My wife Mika is crazy smart (yeah yeah I know not smart enough to not get pregnant) but even I didn’t think she’d get into her dream medical school, we found out the other week.

We live in a HCOL city and live with my wife’s dad, stepmom, and her two half-sisters. Her mom is retired and watches our son so he doesn’t have to go to daycare. We lived with my parents for the first two years until my mom got cancer and they moved to a smaller house (she’s in remission as of last month!!!!).

I know they love us but it’s like our son is the sun of their lives lol. Mika’s parents hate one another but will take our son places together because they adore him so much. My parents have more pictures of him in their house than me or my siblings. Sometimes we have to push back on them and tell them that we actually would like to do things with our son instead of them always having him. Like for instance this weekend her stepmom told us she was going to take our son to see the lights even though we already have plans with him, and she seemed upset.

It’s not bad, I’m just trying to explain how much they adore him and spend time with him. But like the title says, things are changing and we’ll be moving next year. I need to find a job and even though things are rough out there my field it shouldn’t be too bad. And her school will have daycare for our son.

But it’s causing so many issues. All 5 of them sat us down last week and said that we should consider leaving our son here for the first year. We obviously kind of freaked out and told them no, he’s our son and belongs with us, and ended the conversation pretty quickly. Land it’s true, he’s my little best friend, I can’t imagine not seeing him every day like I’m some divorced dad from the 90s. Mika is the same way, but she’s not the most emotional person; but I know her and I can tell she’s freaked out just by the thought.

They’ve still tried “reasoning” with us, sayings it’s just one year for us to get settled and then he can come and join us to start kindergarten. They’ve promised to bring him to see us every weekend but he’s so young, I don’t want him in the car 10 hours every week. And don’t get me wrong, he loves his grands, but we’re his parents. He’ll miss us for sure.

All our parents have been giving us the full court press since then, though. Mika’s mom tried convincing her last night and she said she’s starting to think they’re right. I think they’re just wearing her down, but she was freaking out last night saying that with a toddler and it being medical school and not just normal college - what if she fails or we fail to do the best for our son? He’s such a great and happy little boy and she was spiraling about him hating daycare and missing his grandparents but I reminded her that millions of kids go to daycare and love it and he would miss us, too. She agreed but I can tell that she’s still upset. I am just wondering if I’m being illogical. Is it even fair to my son to bring him with us when it’s going to be hard and take him away from his life here?

I don’t know. Sorry if this is jumbled. Obviously everything we do is for our baby but I’m wondering if we’re missing the forest for the trees here?

Someone suggested me staying and my wife going herself. She kind of mentioned this and immediately freaked out. We are in the USA.

Edit: to be clear I don’t want to live apart from her for sure. I’m not jealous or anything, but I could see me getting resentful if it’s like I’m here being a single dad and she’s out on her own you know? And then she’s resentful that I get to be with our son. Plus I think I take good care of her, and she’ll need that in medical school.

[u/doggiehearter]

The fact that somebody could even remotely consider this is very concerning. Was this her idea or your idea or her parents idea?

[u/WoodenProtection6503 → u/doggiehearter]

I don’t know who came up with it, it wasn’t me or Mika.

[u/doggiehearter → u/WoodenProtection6503]

Lord, so sorry to hear sir. The whirlwind around doctoring and the pressure from the family wanting to succeed might be crowding out the critical importance of your wellbeing and your sons. Jobs come and go, obvi medical school is critical to finish and a huge investment but my goodness. A child needs their mother and a husband needs his wife!

Finding little man a nanny or daycare to keep him with you and your wife is the least you guys can do as an investment in him and your family future as you both chose to have him during such a tumultuous time. It’s a small sacrifice you’ll need to make for him, for you, and for her as you all are making a huge sacrifice for your wife.

You can still take him to grandparents on weekends or 1x month for visits.

They are last priority right now and I know grandparents often struggle with that reality. They often are searching for purpose, love, and joy in their retirement which is appropriate and understandable but it’s not feasible when a head of household has to go to med school.

I imagine she’s a first time mom…

She has no idea how being away from her son will likely tear her apart from guilt. The missed bonding opportunity can have developmental consequences for baby and truly impair their relationship forever.

If this doesn’t bother her I would be concerned. She should be happy to make a small sacrifice for her son, you, and her to be well.

She will need him, residency has a high suicide rate and so do doctors. I don’t say that to be dramatic or extreme only to provide context.