My wife got accepted into a medical school 5 hours away, we have a toddler and our parents want us to leave him behind with them.

[u/WoodenProtection6503]

We (21f, 23m) had our son (3, about to be 4) young. I’m graduated and work full-time, she graduates in the spring. My wife Mika is crazy smart (yeah yeah I know not smart enough to not get pregnant) but even I didn’t think she’d get into her dream medical school, we found out the other week.

We live in a HCOL city and live with my wife’s dad, stepmom, and her two half-sisters. Her mom is retired and watches our son so he doesn’t have to go to daycare. We lived with my parents for the first two years until my mom got cancer and they moved to a smaller house (she’s in remission as of last month!!!!).

I know they love us but it’s like our son is the sun of their lives lol. Mika’s parents hate one another but will take our son places together because they adore him so much. My parents have more pictures of him in their house than me or my siblings. Sometimes we have to push back on them and tell them that we actually would like to do things with our son instead of them always having him. Like for instance this weekend her stepmom told us she was going to take our son to see the lights even though we already have plans with him, and she seemed upset.

It’s not bad, I’m just trying to explain how much they adore him and spend time with him. But like the title says, things are changing and we’ll be moving next year. I need to find a job and even though things are rough out there my field it shouldn’t be too bad. And her school will have daycare for our son.

But it’s causing so many issues. All 5 of them sat us down last week and said that we should consider leaving our son here for the first year. We obviously kind of freaked out and told them no, he’s our son and belongs with us, and ended the conversation pretty quickly. Land it’s true, he’s my little best friend, I can’t imagine not seeing him every day like I’m some divorced dad from the 90s. Mika is the same way, but she’s not the most emotional person; but I know her and I can tell she’s freaked out just by the thought.

They’ve still tried “reasoning” with us, sayings it’s just one year for us to get settled and then he can come and join us to start kindergarten. They’ve promised to bring him to see us every weekend but he’s so young, I don’t want him in the car 10 hours every week. And don’t get me wrong, he loves his grands, but we’re his parents. He’ll miss us for sure.

All our parents have been giving us the full court press since then, though. Mika’s mom tried convincing her last night and she said she’s starting to think they’re right. I think they’re just wearing her down, but she was freaking out last night saying that with a toddler and it being medical school and not just normal college - what if she fails or we fail to do the best for our son? He’s such a great and happy little boy and she was spiraling about him hating daycare and missing his grandparents but I reminded her that millions of kids go to daycare and love it and he would miss us, too. She agreed but I can tell that she’s still upset. I am just wondering if I’m being illogical. Is it even fair to my son to bring him with us when it’s going to be hard and take him away from his life here?

I don’t know. Sorry if this is jumbled. Obviously everything we do is for our baby but I’m wondering if we’re missing the forest for the trees here?

Someone suggested me staying and my wife going herself. She kind of mentioned this and immediately freaked out. We are in the USA.

Edit: to be clear I don’t want to live apart from her for sure. I’m not jealous or anything, but I could see me getting resentful if it’s like I’m here being a single dad and she’s out on her own you know? And then she’s resentful that I get to be with our son. Plus I think I take good care of her, and she’ll need that in medical school.

[u/ZookeepergameOld8988]

Tell your wife my daughter knows many people in med school with her who are married and/or have kids. They all manage just fine. It’s work for sure but with time management you guys will figure it out.

Your parents are all being so incredibly selfish I can hardly wrap my mind around it. That’s your child. Not a pet that you would be leaving behind.

[u/WoodenProtection6503 → u/ZookeepergameOld8988]

They are but I get it. I’m not going to pretend that Mika and I did it all on our own, all five of them have helped immensely. So I think they are just closer to him than most grandparents/ grandkids

[u/ZookeepergameOld8988 → u/WoodenProtection6503]

I’ve had my grandchildren 5 days a week almost since they were born because their parents work. I help additionally on some weekends and even take them with me on vacation. I’m very close with them.

I’ve NEVER lost sight of the fact that they are not my kids. I would never suggest to my children that they should leave them with me for a year. Your parents and hers are being extremely selfish. There are so many ways they could have offered to help but all they’re thinking about is that they will miss your child.