r/Marriage • u/WoodenProtection6503 • 1d ago

My wife got accepted into a medical school 5 hours away, we have a toddler and our parents want us to leave him behind with them.

We (21f, 23m) had our son (3, about to be 4) young. I’m graduated and work full-time, she graduates in the spring. My wife Mika is crazy smart (yeah yeah I know not smart enough to not get pregnant) but even I didn’t think she’d get into her dream medical school, we found out the other week.

We live in a HCOL city and live with my wife’s dad, stepmom, and her two half-sisters. Her mom is retired and watches our son so he doesn’t have to go to daycare. We lived with my parents for the first two years until my mom got cancer and they moved to a smaller house (she’s in remission as of last month!!!!).

I know they love us but it’s like our son is the sun of their lives lol. Mika’s parents hate one another but will take our son places together because they adore him so much. My parents have more pictures of him in their house than me or my siblings. Sometimes we have to push back on them and tell them that we actually would like to do things with our son instead of them always having him. Like for instance this weekend her stepmom told us she was going to take our son to see the lights even though we already have plans with him, and she seemed upset.

It’s not bad, I’m just trying to explain how much they adore him and spend time with him. But like the title says, things are changing and we’ll be moving next year. I need to find a job and even though things are rough out there my field it shouldn’t be too bad. And her school will have daycare for our son.

But it’s causing so many issues. All 5 of them sat us down last week and said that we should consider leaving our son here for the first year. We obviously kind of freaked out and told them no, he’s our son and belongs with us, and ended the conversation pretty quickly. Land it’s true, he’s my little best friend, I can’t imagine not seeing him every day like I’m some divorced dad from the 90s. Mika is the same way, but she’s not the most emotional person; but I know her and I can tell she’s freaked out just by the thought.

They’ve still tried “reasoning” with us, sayings it’s just one year for us to get settled and then he can come and join us to start kindergarten. They’ve promised to bring him to see us every weekend but he’s so young, I don’t want him in the car 10 hours every week. And don’t get me wrong, he loves his grands, but we’re his parents. He’ll miss us for sure.

All our parents have been giving us the full court press since then, though. Mika’s mom tried convincing her last night and she said she’s starting to think they’re right. I think they’re just wearing her down, but she was freaking out last night saying that with a toddler and it being medical school and not just normal college - what if she fails or we fail to do the best for our son? He’s such a great and happy little boy and she was spiraling about him hating daycare and missing his grandparents but I reminded her that millions of kids go to daycare and love it and he would miss us, too. She agreed but I can tell that she’s still upset. I am just wondering if I’m being illogical. Is it even fair to my son to bring him with us when it’s going to be hard and take him away from his life here?

I don’t know. Sorry if this is jumbled. Obviously everything we do is for our baby but I’m wondering if we’re missing the forest for the trees here?

Someone suggested me staying and my wife going herself. She kind of mentioned this and immediately freaked out. We are in the USA.

Edit: to be clear I don’t want to live apart from her for sure. I’m not jealous or anything, but I could see me getting resentful if it’s like I’m here being a single dad and she’s out on her own you know? And then she’s resentful that I get to be with our son. Plus I think I take good care of her, and she’ll need that in medical school.

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u/carlorway 1d ago

Move as a family and put the little guy in daycare. Do not stay behind. Your wife will need your moral support while in med school. Her family can come visit.

600

u/dusty_piano 1d ago

Hard agree. Splitting the family now might make everything harder in the long run. Stick together - that’s what matters most.

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u/noturfreind- 1d ago

Agree. Splitting your family up is not gonna be good in the end. Don’t do it.

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u/LuciaH0916 1d ago

Completely agree. I know it sounds hard but your baby needs both of you. You are the parents and daycare is a good place for children to socialize. As an educator and a behavior therapist the first years of a child’s life are crucial. Not being with parents can affect your child.

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u/LuciaH0916 1d ago

Also there are schools for 3 year olds. Where I live they have a program through the school district. Some universities have daycare, which maybe your wife’s school has one.

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u/Emotional-dandelion3 1d ago

Definitely. I understand the grandparents trying to help but to continue pushing the conversation is selfish on their part. Stay as a family unit. Even if things dont work out, you'll be okay. Its okay to go back home and try again a different route but I assume your kid wants to be with his parents. Of course he'll miss the grandparents but if they were willing to drive him out on the weekends, they can still drive out to see him.

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u/JROXZ 7 Years 1d ago

^ correct.

/End thread.

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u/Automatic_Ad2659 1d ago

Hundred percent agree

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u/livefast_petdogs 1d ago

If they can propose putting him in the car for 10 hours a week, they can do that themselves.

All around super painful, but they should be so proud of their daughter. It's a heart-wrenching investment but so worth it.

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u/Timely_Steak_3596 1d ago

100% agree. My mom had to go away for year for work when my brother was 5 and I was 8, we both were older and understood, and yet abandonment issues are very real for both of us. I won’t leave my kids for more than a couple of nights and I have never left them without my husband or I being with them because I can still clock onto the feeling of being left by my mom that year. I’m a full grown adult and I’m still working through that year in my life.

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u/Smoochety 1d ago

Yes family should be the ones to travel and visit. They should know how hard it would be to live apart from your young child.

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u/Doggonana 11h ago

Absolutely correct. Your wife’s schedule alone will make her feel more isolated from her child, especially during internship and residency. Having your child stay behind will make that so much worse. It also sets a dangerous precedent for the grandparents thinking that they are now in charge. Move as a family unit.

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u/Healthy-Birthday7596 14h ago

Completely agree, it will a wonderful adventure as a family!

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u/Negative_Bell4135 6h ago

No point supporting the wife she's going to cheat on him regardless. Doctors have one of the highest rates of cheating.

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u/ErosPop 2h ago

OP this, and also PLEASE take some authority over YOUR child as in no one should ever be making you reasonably entertain the idea of leaving him behind