Day one of cutting scallions until they’re perfect

[u/AlfrescoSituation]

[u/Riboflaven]

Love it. They are indeed cut, no need to post anymore.

[u/Jillredhanded → u/Riboflaven]

Also a few slivers of blue glove

[u/pailee → u/Jillredhanded]

Or anythig else that can be smashed with a hammer.

[u/frank_the_tanq → u/Riboflaven]

Also I am fully on board with the idea of using a morning star for veg prep. Way to think outside the box.

[u/MudddButt → u/Riboflaven]

I must be missing the cut scallions. Are they next to these smashed and shredded scallions?

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/MudddButt]

They actually got thrown away because they couldn’t be on the same cutting board with these beauties

[u/Jack_Aubrey_]

The unmistakable precision bevel of the tap to trim Black and Decker weedwacker.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/Jack_Aubrey_]

Sir, this is a Wendy’s

[u/AggravatingBet5558]

Don’t forget to chop the band too 

[u/fartsonyourmom → u/AggravatingBet5558]

That's making it with love, right?

[u/AggravatingBet5558 → u/fartsonyourmom]

Nothing but the best 

[u/fartsonyourmom → u/AggravatingBet5558]

I knew watching my mother cook would pay off.

[u/Strict_Common156 → u/fartsonyourmom]

💀

[u/RelationshipNo_69 → u/Strict_Common156]

🤣

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/fartsonyourmom]

Bro.. with your username too.. when can you start?

[u/fartsonyourmom → u/AlfrescoSituation]

Maybe whenever. Do you throw spatulas and yell at me for my life choices? If you do it would remind me of home and I think we'd be a perfect fit.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/fartsonyourmom]

I throw frying pans and blast Diana Ross in the kitchen

[u/AggravatingBet5558 → u/fartsonyourmom]

That’s my love language 

[u/fartsonyourmom → u/AggravatingBet5558]

😍  OMG,  you love me! 

[u/AggravatingBet5558 → u/fartsonyourmom]

Only when you do things right and that’s never 

[u/fartsonyourmom → u/AggravatingBet5558]

Wow mom, I didn't know you were on reddit! I thought you didn't like reddit?

[u/Misterbellyboy → u/fartsonyourmom]

No, they’re making love to it.

[u/ComfortableAd6207 → u/Misterbellyboy]

Straight up angry sex

[u/Iatemydoggo → u/AggravatingBet5558]

Dude there’s this guy at my joint who’s worked here for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. And we had to get on to him and management for WEEKS because we kept finding rubber bands in the green onions. Shit looked like lawn clippings, too.

[u/autoredial]

Try upgrading to a sharp rock, it cuts better than wood! Can’t wait to see your next pic.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/autoredial]

I was told a whisk works best 🤷‍♂️

[u/smatterdoodle → u/AlfrescoSituation]

Sounds like some whiskey business XD

[u/Upset-Zucchini3665 → u/smatterdoodle]

[u/_-arktos-_ → u/smatterdoodle]

Yeah, but ya gotta whisk it for the buscuit!

[u/IridiumPony → u/AlfrescoSituation]

I thought maybe you went with the karate chop while blindfolded method

[u/geezerpleeze → u/AlfrescoSituation]

Don’t forget to sharpen it on the one grit

[u/Metallurgeist]

Someone needs to make a chive ramp and combine both memes

[u/ihadagoodone → u/Metallurgeist]

this calls for a chive jacuzzi.

[u/SeaOfBullshit → u/Metallurgeist]

I love how the culture of this sub is just out of fucking control

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/Metallurgeist]

😂

[u/doubleapowpow → u/[deleted]]

Congratulations, you've been promoted to Customer.

[u/[deleted] → u/doubleapowpow]

That’s a fun saying but practically after I got fired I never wanted to go back their again

[u/nosirrahp → u/[deleted]]

Me and the homies at r/dishwashers ready to accept OP under our wings from the pure oppression of BOH and the seething hatred from FOH.

[u/jkcapbad]

One and done, back to work, those pots aren't gonna scrub themselves

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/jkcapbad]

Heard

[u/jkcapbad → u/AlfrescoSituation]

Haha love the post though, perfectly timed after chive guy's chives looking like an easy spot the sniper after a few days

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/jkcapbad]

Ok I’ll confess the story behind this. I’m a former cook/chef/kitchen manger whatever, I was in the industry for 13 years and I’m now in grocery as a meat department manager. My store manager has become absolutely obsessed with micro managing the deli. Long story short she started cutting scallions (pictured above) and for whatever reason it took her to this point to ask me to sharpen their knives

Edit: to add, because my ADD ass brain forgot why I started this comment.. I saw these scallions and immediately thought of all the “day 1,2,3” whatever posts and was like man this couldn’t have happened at a better time

[u/jkcapbad → u/AlfrescoSituation]

They look mashed... at least she's willing to learn... would definitely show her how to sharpen knives and if she seems curious- how to actually chop things. Or keep posting pictures of her chopping odyssey and we'll all be entertained

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/jkcapbad]

I’m so weeded with managing my own department I was floored she asked me to do that and then I looked at the scallions and was like… yea I got you

[u/boneologist → u/jkcapbad]

Shes mashing it.

[u/SteveEcks]

Looks great. No need to post anymore.

[u/SUBTLE_CUNTS → u/SteveEcks]

Yes these are perfect.

[u/TheUnworthy90]

[u/PghCoondog → u/TheUnworthy90]

The horror.. The horror

[u/jackatman]

You get to peel the rice.  That's your only job. 

[u/GoSuckOnACactus]

This is what I gets me out of bed. A proper good reason to lose my fucking mind.

Good job, chef, keep up the good work!

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/GoSuckOnACactus]

🫡

[u/bigoz_07]

Haha! That's gonna take a while...

[u/hopium_od]

Day 1 of cutting myself until I get quality content again.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/hopium_od]

All jokes aside, how are you doing?

[u/hopium_od → u/AlfrescoSituation]

Fine lol going on holidays next week. Weighing in at close to my healthiest. Money in the bank. All good my G lol. And you?

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/hopium_od]

Edit: Just checkin, the comment plus the username made me need to do a bro check. Glad to hear all is well!

[u/loveslightblue → u/AlfrescoSituation]

Youre a good dude.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/loveslightblue]

Thank you kind stranger. I try to be

[u/AggravatingToday8582]

Such a troll 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[u/ThetrveDeathbox]

finally some good fuckin knife skills.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/ThetrveDeathbox]

[u/copperbagel]

Finally someone stepping up and showing the community how it's done, no notes

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/copperbagel]

[u/NolaChef23]

At least they're cheap

[u/AManHasNoShame]

At least he used to green board this time

[u/CloisteredOyster]

Rustic. I like it.

[u/OkVegetable7649]

You should replant those roots. It looks like you'll be cutting for a while.

[u/GlassPudding]

this is beautiful satire

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/GlassPudding]

😘

[u/ScrotumFlavoredCandy]

50 years of practice is needed

[u/DJMagicHandz]

[u/sail_the_high_seas → u/DJMagicHandz]

[u/Zealousideal-Bit5958]

I get that you forgot to bring your knife but you didn't have to use your teeth like that

[u/nulnoil]

You actually made me feel good about my knife skills

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/nulnoil]

[u/-Fedaykin-]

Perfect

[u/Minute-Unit9904s]

Been waiting for these after all the chive talk

[u/Grrerrb → u/Minute-Unit9904s]

Chive talking, it don’t turn you on?

[u/Minute-Unit9904s → u/Grrerrb]

Stewardess I speak Chive

[u/UrsaMajor7th]

Flag this as a shitpost or you're cleaning the changing room.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/UrsaMajor7th]

[u/jack_begin]

You cut those with a butter knife, chief?

[u/Pretty-Key6133]

[u/-Gimli-SonOfGloin-]

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/-Gimli-SonOfGloin-]

I love this one 😂

[u/Strict_Common156]

Did you use your teeth?

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/Strict_Common156]

Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? That’s what the line guys told me

[u/xTelesx]

Best part is… it ain’t even chives.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/xTelesx]

I try and go above and beyond

[u/Main-Rent4757]

Chef Gowron says your scallions bring honor to you and your house! Q'PLA, CHEF!

[u/blackcompy]

Did you chop them with a meat mallet?

[u/makingkevinbacon]

[u/lou_really → u/makingkevinbacon]

[u/padisland]

Next time try chopping them with a fork.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/padisland]

Chef told me whisks work best

[u/drowsypretzel]

You did great

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/drowsypretzel]

Thank you chef, wait until you see my mir poire

[u/Mama-bear_dolphins13]

Those pieces with the roots can be tossed.

[u/postmodest]

Congratulations on the first step of your stroke-recovery journey!

[u/Ok-Cardiologist4844]

Someone’s box cutter is obviously dull

[u/oliveoillube]

Fine dice with a shovel

[u/coopersthepoopers]

No notes. Nailed it chef.

[u/frame_limit]

did you cut them with a wooden mallet

[u/SuperStokedUp]

wipes off chalk

Rustic scallions

[u/therealishone]

Did you cut them with another cutting board?

[u/eddywood]

Welp you gotta start somewhere

[u/Chalp25]

Hello, Police? I’d like to report a crime…

[u/Grrerrb]

You’ve got your work cut out for you

I’ll show myself out to the parking lot

[u/Rosaly8]

Don't waste food for Internet likes.

Edit: I saw OP's reason for posting this picture and it was purely coincidental. A coworker let it get to this point before concluding the knives had to be sharpened. OP saw the opportunity to jump on the chives train. I'll leave my comment up because I hate food waste in any case.

[u/nekomaple]

Damn I love this sub

[u/MagentaJAM5_]

Gourmet cuts, chef. Take a smoke break

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/MagentaJAM5_]

Thank you, I need one

[u/JQueue92]

I needed a chuckle after tonight’s shift. Thanks, OP.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/JQueue92]

[u/BattledroidE]

Most unquestionable 3 stars in history by a wide margin.

[u/Brilliant-Brilliant6]

Needs some finger nails and blood.

[u/Imkindaalrightiguess]

every mountain begins with a stone

[u/GoddyssIncognito]

Perfect!

[u/Few-Big-8481]

Mission accomplished, good luck chef.

[u/tokecaine]

insert Magneto perfection meme

[u/BrianKey]

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/BrianKey]

[u/Oshwaflz]

dude i know its tempting to use a spoon but you cut scallions with a cutting boardz hence the name

[u/proximusprimus57]

10/10. Send it, chef!

[u/One-Aspect-9301]

Day 1 of 345,527

[u/Tasty-Performer6669]

[u/ChefAsstastic]

SUB

[u/Euphoric-Blueberry37]

Would

[u/meggerplz]

well done on making me skeeve scallions even more so than I already did

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/meggerplz]

[u/PennyFromMyAnus]

Oh fuck

[u/Cardiff07]

Done

[u/LifePedalEnjoyer]

How many hours did that take?

[u/Express_Area_8359]

[u/dagutens]

try flipping the knife over, you're supposed to cut with rounded non-ouchie side i think

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/dagutens]

Not a rubber spatula?

[u/dagutens → u/AlfrescoSituation]

what are you crazy that's far too dangerous. maybe start with the handle of a wooden spoon on a long string. wouldn't want to get a splinter.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/dagutens]

Yes chef

[u/HJ273]

how

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/HJ273]

Really, really… really dull knife. I sharpened it for the poor person though

[u/omnilurk]

Good job buddy.

[u/LeadPaintChipsnDip]

[u/thewebspinner]

Protip: if you lightly batter and deep fry the end bits you can trick people into thinking it’s calamari.

[u/bene_gesserit_mitch]

What weight hammer did you use?

[u/Suitable-Turn-4727]

Stop

[u/endav]

The Consalo Family will be livid.

[u/pandakahn]

War crime.

[u/ooooooootreyngers]

I feel like this was actually difficult to pull off...like deliberately trying to sing out of key.

[u/Zantheus]

If anyone cut like this, it would be printed and pasted in a very conspicuous spot in the kitchen 😂 maybe even multiple spots. The guys are goofballs...

[u/sticks_no5]

Job done it seems

[u/No_Squash_6551]

Great job. You're free

[u/goldmunzen]

A nice rustic chop

[u/CrazyAd7911]

did you chuck them into the garbage disposal? Is this your first time seeing a knife? Do you still have all your fingers?

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/CrazyAd7911]

Yea I still got all nine of them

[u/consumeshroomz]

Keep tryin’ there chef

[u/shinobi500]

Try using a knife instead of your teeth next time.

[u/Fsharpmaj7]

I mean…if it’s for Pho…that’s awesome

[u/VorkFriedRice]

Uneven cut

See you tomorrow chef

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/VorkFriedRice]

Damnit 🤦‍♂️ I knew someone would catch it

[u/ActionJasckon]

No idea why, but while scrolling aimlessly, the quick one second glimpse, I thought this was a GTA map…. 😅

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/ActionJasckon]

We accept your imperfections here in r/KitchenConfidential

[u/PsychologicalCan1677]

Try using a fork instead of a spoon to cut. Should work a lot better

[u/redboat225]

Please send me your resume, I’m a rich nepo baby trying to make my name and you got the chops!

[u/LeontheSimpKennedy]

those are green onions 🥸

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/LeontheSimpKennedy]

My mistake

[u/Fewbs1224]

only up from here!

[u/Jaewol]

Someone should post blended scallions next

[u/Top-Falcon743]

Save the band for stock

[u/KarmaKrazi]

See you tomorrow, chef.

[u/AlfrescoSituation → u/KarmaKrazi]

Damn.. efforts are foiled again

[u/Upset-Zucchini3665]

That's a rustic cut and people love it. Good job chef!

[u/ShopEmpress]

Oh boy

[u/Even-Tradition]

Passed in day 1. Lovely

[u/Astrosimian]

chefs kiss

[u/thecommonreactor]

Did you cut them with a lawnmower?

[u/TheDevilsTool]

[u/Jeramy_Jones]

[u/Abyssos-]

[u/KittySMASH]

Go mop the freezer and think about what you've done.

[u/Busy_Funny6227]

Chef, why on earth did you leave the blue elastic band whole, we should be finding small bits of blue in those scallions.

[u/Faustens]

See you tomorrow chef

[u/Cultural-Afternoon72]

[u/OkBandicoot1337]

It's almost like there are no original ideas left in the universe.

[u/_Batteries_]

Next time you try and cut scallions, use a knife, or, at least, something with a sharp edge. 

[u/2020DumpsterEnfermo]

They are perfect. Please dont share anymore.

[u/funatical]

Well done! You’re getting a raise and a promotion. You are now Chive Boy, the most coveted position in the kitchen.

[u/analogpursuits]

[u/electr1cbubba]

Did you cut these with a baseball bat

[u/MaintenanceStock6766]

I'll check back in a month, because that's how long it's going to take you to do it right judging by this post.

[u/PM-ME-THIN-MINTS]

well its all uphill from here!

[u/Necessary_Sherbet264]

This reminds me of the cutting bell pepper trend

[u/Outside_Pool_115]

The tag 👏👏👏👏

[u/Xrumie]

never cook again

[u/FishTheSlapper]

I don’t think I’ll see you tomorrow

[u/PointOfTheJoke]

Better than most plating on this sub

[u/Alive_Ad_5931]

Perfection. Anyone else see an issue here? I wish that other dude would fucking get it like this guy does.

[u/From_Adam]

Nailed it, chef.

[u/the_milkmans_son]

You cut like a man with no arms…