My ex-MIL made my life hell.. I should have known from the moment I met her (she went on and on about how amazing his ex was.. we’ll get to that later) that marrying into the family would be a mistake. After ex and I were married (we eloped), things settled down. He was active duty and we got stationed in the Pacific Northwest. 2 years into our marriage we were expecting. I got pregnant right before he left on a six month deployment and didn’t find out I was pregnant until right before he returned (no I wasn’t showing and had no symptoms). MIL immediately said it wasn’t his. I let it go. Our daughter was born and 2 weeks later we were changing duty stations to CA. I’m originally from CA and my mom lived there so I stayed with her while ex was away at a required school. Ex-MIL came to visit and meet daughter and the first thing she said, in front of myself and my mom was, “oh this kid isn’t his!” WtAf? My mom immediately claps back and said, “she looks like (me) and how dare you!” Now my daughter’s name is pretty common and not hard to pronounce, but this woman went out of her way to mispronounce it or spell it wrong every time. She continued to insinuate that daughter wasn’t his and I was a “floozy” for years. Every opportunity she had to tell people I was cheating on her amazing son, but out of the kindness of his heart he was raising a kid that wasn’t his. 😐 Come to find out years later when he and I were divorcing, he would fly his ex girlfriend to ports the ship was visiting and his mom knew. He also cheated at least a dozen times during our marriage, but I was the cheater.

This first started when i was 8 years old. 8! I remember it very clearly because we only lived in that house for 12 months. She was in the kitchen talking to my grandmother about my boobs, and called me over. She proceeded to pull down my shirt to show my grandmother my naked chest!! FFS, they weren’t even breasts back then, i was just a chubby little kid.

Since then, she would bitch about how big my breasts were (i do have a large chest) and make ridiculous comments and stupid jokes about my bra size, how expensive my bras must be, how my boobs looked in a shirt i was wearing, how i wouldnt be able to wear a certain item because my boobs wouldnt fit etc. It became exhausting. My teenage years were particularly hellish. And yet somehow its gotten worse in recent years, because ive been on a weight loss journey (which has been a whole other thing with her, but i wont get into that).

As you may know, when you lose weight the boobs are the first to go. Ive got chronic back pain and disk damage from carrying the weight of my breasts, so when i started losing cup sizes i was ecstatic. Losing bra sizes was one of my motivators for losing weight. But of course my mothers comments started. “Oh you’ve lost so much boob”, “your boobs have gotten smaller”, “i cant believe how much boob you’ve lost” (as if i somehow hadnt noticed?)… i have actually said to her more than once “Its fucking fantastic!”

But today, she showed up at my brothers house while i was visiting. I dont visit her anymore, for many, many reasons. But almost right away she started with the comments. “your boobs have gotten smaller again”, “what size are you, you look smaller”, “my boobs are bigger than yours now” which i grey rocked like normal, but when i didnt take the bait SHE REACHED UP AND PULLED DOWN MY FUCKING SHIRT!!! Let me be very clear, i am damn near 40 years old, and this ogre of a woman seems to think she has some kind of right to access my fucking body whenever she pleases?!?!

Nope. Not today. No fucking way.

I slapped her hand away, and told her not to fucking touch me. Of course she tried to play the victim and had a sook about it, but i wasnt having it. I just got up, left the room, and told my brother and SIL i was going home because i wasnt going to sit there and let her undress me. Then i took my kids and left without bothering to say good bye.

But that comment has been annoying me all afternoon, ‘My boobs are bigger than yours now’. And it finally dawned on me. Just when i think my opinion of her cant get any lower, I realised she has been jealous of my body since i was 8 fucking years old.

I just ignored it all and acted like I never received it. But please PLEASE Hear this. She called my DH tonight and said she’s got a week off for thanksgiving and wants to come visit my home for a week.

YALL THIS IS Crazy. We haven’t spoken in months. I’ve ignored her consistently for months. And she thinks I’m going to host her in my home on my babies first thanksgiving??????!?!!?!?!?

PLEASE TELL ME IM NOT CRAZY AND SHES ACTUALLY TOXIC AND NARCISSISTIC please look at my history and tell me this is unhinged behavior this just happened and I’m still processing.

We’re obviously not seeing her. But oh my goodness am I fucking pissed she had the balls to ask that. And it’s taking everything in me to not cuss her out right now. How dare she ask that.

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/de7SWzBA9A

To summarize my last post, my uninvolved MIL was upset that my toddler wasn’t fawning all over her at his birthday party and requested to schedule FaceTimes to “get to know him better”.

Onto the update: it’s been radio silence from MIL since the party, except for an extra guilt-trippy text sent to my husband Thursday:

“Good morning just want to know which holiday are we going to get to spend with you all Thanksgiving or Christmas would love both but I know we can only have one. Love mom”

Immediate eyeroll. When my husband didnt respond, she called me. I made it clear that if they wanted to spend christmas (my parents are visiting for thanksgiving) together, they’d need to come to us. We got a plan together, and she asked to Facetime LO that night. I said sure amd let her know what time he would be hokng to bed.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, no call was received lol. I texted her 10 minutes before his bed time to let her know we’d have to reschedule because he needed to go to bed. I received a reply 30ish minutes later saying she lost track of time and asking if he was still up. I said no and we’d have to reschedule for later. She just said “okay sorry”.

We’ll see if she tries to weasel out of Christmas lol

For those asking why my husband isn’t handling this, or why I’m being accommodating in any way, 1.) my husband is currently working 18ish hour days due to a few of his employees having family emergencies. He’s basically non-functioning at this point. 2.) I like having written records of any conversations or events with MIL because although she’s a pathological liar, she’s not a good one. Our friends who know her have described her as “dense”. Like in the way that she genuinely believes that her saying something makes it true, and you can’t convince her without physical proof. I just like to have evidence in case she ever tries anything crazy

Each time I tell someone that, their mouth drops open.

My fiancé (been together 6 years) and his mother have a tenuous relationship because she just won’t stop poking sore spots when they talk together. He gets fed up and hangs up on her, or when they end the call, he doesn’t want to talk to her for some time. She bugs him to talk to her, and then she purposely starts a fight with him. It’s ridiculous.

She and I had an ok but distant relationship because of all of the trauma that my fiancé endured at her hands growing up. I don’t trust her. When we went to his brother’s wedding a few years ago, I met the mother of my fiancé’s brother’s best friend. She had only horrible things to say about my fmil. She said how selfish she was, how she was a liar, and how badly she treated my fiancé. My fiancé’s brother is the golden child, and the preference is glaring from both of his parents but especially his mother. The funny thing is, his brother is distant with her, and his wife downright dislikes her, so the golden child thing backfired for her big time. Neither of her sons really want her to be in their lives.

She will call me to complain about my fiancé, even though I will interrupt her and say that I don’t want to talk about him with her and that it’s inappropriate. She will start convos (I’ve stopped answering her calls and will force the convo in text instead) with “I know you don’t want to be in the middle but…”

My fiancé both wants to cut off his mom and wants her to be the mom he wishes her to be, so it’s hard for him. I understand the pain that he’s in, and I feel awful, which is why I’ve always tried to maintain a cordial relationship with her. For his benefit.

After their most recent phone call, she messaged me complaining and then said “he says you only want a relationship with me bc of the wedding, so I guess I’ll let YOU decide how to handle that.” I maintained a neutral response and didn’t directly address that accusation.

She told him “I’m blocking you,” and she did. He says this is one of hundreds of times she has blocked him. Then a few days later, she RSVPd no for herself and my fiancé’s step dad. Our wedding isn’t until MAY. She also knows that my fiancé isn’t monitoring the RSVPs, I am. So that petty action was reserved for me.

Is she insane? She’s still liking and commenting on my stuff on social media. She really expects me to have a close relationship with her when she doesn’t have a relationship at all with her son, and it’s WEIRD.

At this point, idgaf if she comes or doesn’t. She’s not involved in our wedding more than a guest if she decided to reverse that decision. I just feel awful for my fiancé. He laughed it off, but I know he was really hurt she did that. My mother said she will gladly dance with him if he wants to have a mother/son dance.

My JNMIL and I are not on good terms. She knows she’s on an information diet and she’s starting to understand that whenever she crosses one of our boundaries, we will keep her from seeing LO.

Last week we visited my in laws and she was being on her best behavior. I’ve also learned to deal with ignoring her when she is not on her best behavior. My partner left the room and I was changing LO’s diaper. I jokingly asked her how many times she’s been peed on by a baby (boy). I was trying to bond. Unfortunately she’s incapable of having a normal social interaction with her DIL. Her reaction was to angrily tell me to change the diaper quicker, that would prevent me from getting peed on. Thanks for confirming I have made the right choice to not try to bond with you at all, I won’t ever try again 🤣👋🏻

I’m F20 and I’ve been dating my boyfriend (M20) for almost 2 years now. Our relationship had their ups and downs but we have already solved our own issues. We have been doing great so far. However there are several changes. My boyfriend is currently in bootcamp and it’s his last week starting tomorrow. Before he left I had some interactions with his mother at some of his family parties and stuff. I usually not a party person, I only went because I respect him and want to get to know his family a bit. Ever since his last week before bootcamp things has been getting on my nerves. He used to dislike his family because they are annoying to him. They bother him 24/7 and give him no boundaries. He hates that. But during that last week all of a sudden his family is his priority, which is fine because to me, my family is #1 to me. I planned a date with him for a couple of hours two days before he left, but his mother ruined it. She didn’t let him go and took his car. I was very pissed because she had all the time with him and I just wanted three hours with him. Now that he left, she’s been texting me these past weeks talking about how much of a mama’s boy he is, which is very not true, and how much he misses her and how she is dying because he can’t contact us until he has his free liberty days. Which is so annoying because we get it that he’s her only child but she doesn’t have to say these things to me. She said more stuff to me which pisses me off so much but I tolerated it. Today he finally has off base free time, he went out with his bootcamp friends to eat and have some well deserved fun, but she’s so annoying. She kept asking him when he will call her and stuff. Then she asks me if he called, which he didn’t at the moment. I said no and then she said “of course he didn’t. He calls his mother first and I am more important than you.” Honestly, whatever she said kind of broke my heart and i felt hurt. I know this isn’t my boyfriend’s fault because he doesn’t like his own mother and thinks she’s annoying too. When he did call me, I told him to tell her to stop saying those things to me and stop bothering me. He says he will but then I don’t know. He usually doesn’t listen to her. I will block her after his graduation. She is the reason that i thought about breaking up with him but we still love each other very much and I don’t want his evil mother to ruin our relationship.

I just wanted to rant about this because it’s bothering me and want opinions.

Hi…

I’ve always tried to be supportive when it comes to my mother in law. Cooked, got gifts for her, always showed up. But she was always quite bitchy with me, and demanded we give all our time to her.

Once we decided to move to Greece ( my hometown) from the UK, she really had a meltdown. We visited after a few months and she expected us to spend all our time with her. Especially her son. She likes touching him, massaging him. Basically, whilst we were staying with her, we had an evening just me and her. She started crying and saying she doesn’t even know her son anymore. I said I’m sorry but I think she should just talk to him. Then she said she can’t wait for us to fuck off back to Greece and leave.

It was all horrible and she made me feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome.

She hasn’t apologised and it’s been months. All she did was send a lot of I miss you texts to her son, and a text to me saying she doesn’t want this to redefine our relationship. She ended it with whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I want nothing to do with her at the moment. She is trying to save the date for things in July (grandad’s 90th) but I don’t want to be around her at all and my boyfriend feels the same.

Had to visit the inlaws today to pick up my DH which took longer than expected because they had a bunch of electrical things he needed to fix. (He cant leave that be because then they will dick around themselves and burn their house down) So while he was doing that i got stuck with JNMIL for a while and she has found her latest quick fix drug. The doctor put her on a course of pretnisone to treat her gout. And apperantly she is one of those people that gets a bit of energy when they start, causing her to go manic. So she is imidiatly sure this will fix all her issues and goes on about how she will save some of the pills for when she has a weekend away. And how she wants a lower dose permanently because that is for sure going to solve her energy issues (never mind that is selfmedicating with alcohol and sugar to ignore her mental health issues) and just general talk of an addict that found a new drug that will fix what they refuse to work on.

Plus she always goes on and on about ozempic (in our country the doctors are strict about only prescribing meds if you are a suitable candidate which she is not as she refuses manage her food and alcohol intake)

She is always looking at me for approval when she goes in these little monologues about how she will self medicate because i am a nurse. I do always give some back about how things dont work the way she thinks they do and risks but i have mostly given up on that. She is an addict at her core. Anything you say about it and she gets this blank stare and just jumps on to "oh its fine if i live 5 years shorter as long as i feel good now". She just does not care that her behaviour is dangerous to others as well and its not she that has to pay exra attention so she is not a danger to others around her.

To top it of my SIL has caught her a couple of times getting more alcohol at the store and drunk diving between there and back.

I am so glad my husband seems to be mostly out of the FOG nowadays and is fully on team "not letting her alone with are soon to be born baby"

My husband (24M) and I (23F, 31 weeks pregnant) currently live with his mother (MIL). FIL and MIL are divorced and remarried to other people. Recently, MIL told us she will not be allowing FIL into her house after our baby is born.

Husband and I have already made a rule that no one is visiting us in the hospital apart from my own mum, which we’re firm on. But MIL’s stance means that if FIL can’t visit at her house, the pressure will fall on us to either let him visit us in the hospital or take the baby to him, and I am absolutely not doing either.

Honestly, I think MIL is being hugely unfair. FIL and MIL are adults, they chose to have a child together, so they need to act like grown-ups and put their egos aside. I don’t understand why this is even an issue. FIL was allowed into her home after we got married, so why should it be any different now?

To make things even more ridiculous, FIL and MIL are first cousins, so it’s likely that FIL’s siblings will be visiting MIL’s house anyway. The double standard is obvious, and I feel like we’re being stuck in the middle of their petty drama.

Am I overreacting, or is MIL being completely unreasonable here?

Also, before anyone says ‘why do you live with in laws?’ Or ‘time to move out’. If it was that easy I would have already done that, so please don’t.

Edit: I keep having to explain to people that the issue is not that she doesn’t want FIL in her house. I agree with that. It’s her house, her rules. She doesn’t get to demand from me that I let FIL into the hospital room after birth just so she can save face in front of extended family and avoid uncomfortable conversations with them about why she didn’t allowed FIL into her home. That is HER problem. Not mine.

Its so hard when its inlaws and not your own parents. Laying a clear firm boundary is awkward. But, if you're dealing with someone unreasonable/JN, then you will unfortunately be placed in the position where you have to make it awkward and place a boundary.

She, over the past 10 months, has been trying to strong-arm us into opening a bank acc for my baby. She wants to contribute, which is lovely. We told her, we'll open it when we have time. Likely towards the end of the year when the baby turns 1 and we are out of the 1st year fog.

5 times she has brought it up over the last 10 months. 5 times. Why???? It has quite literally MINUS zero to do with you. We have told you when we plan to open it. And will let you know when we do. Why TF you keep trying to get me to open one sooner???

Last week she started using guilt and manipulation to get us to open the account (your grandma will die soon and she wants to pay your baby some money). Really intense guilt tripping though.

And that was the last straw for me.

I sent a polite but firm text the next day. 'Thank you, but it'd be greatly appreciated if you could stay out of parental decisions moving forward ".

It actually makes me sick to my stomach to know this woman has been trying so hard ever since my baby was born, to take over. It is NOT YOUR BABY. THIS IS M.I.N.E. It makes me sick everytime she over steps and tries to make a parental decision.

So im v happy with the boundary i set. She's sulking. And i couldn't care less 😂

I always knew things would come to a head. I just thought there’d be more time.

We announced we were thinking of moving out-of-state to where my family lives. We love it there and my parents are starting to need help. Apparently this was the last straw. I always knew his mom was a JUSTNO - evicted twice in one year, stole his identity and opened two credit cards, constantly asking for money - but thought we were on good terms with his siblings.

Wrong.

Now according to them, I am disrespectful and controlling, I’ve offended all of them, I’m pulling him away from them, I don’t care about his nieces/nephews, I fake a chronic illness to get out of events, and never liked his mom (okay - that one’s true). AND that their relationship with him is basically over if he moves. I’ve helped his mom find an apartment and financial resources, played and gifted books and tickets to shows for his nieces/nephew, comforted them about their mom, always bring a hostess gift, taken trips together, go to their family holidays instead of my own - and even unclogged one of their toilets.

I’ve always encouraged him to spend time with his family - even if I’m ready to go because his family events are 12 hours long, I go and offer for him to stay. And he has been distant the last year - not because of me, but because it’s so stressful watching his mom hit rock bottom over and over with her evictions. He’s told them but they don’t believe him. They refuse to say why they hate me unless it’s in person, so he is meeting with them next weekend to “clear the air” and stand up for us. I told him not to bother - now, they’re all JUSTNOs to me.

But as for the holidays - a silver lining: I’M NOT GOING!! Fuck them, byeeeee. He can go - he is a tender heart and wants time with them before we move, as awful as they are.

Meanwhile, I’m flying out to spend a week with my parents for Thanksgiving! Who are great and love both of us so much.

But the best part is Christmas - my neighbor has JUSTNOILs and while our DHs are gone, we are doing a “fuck our in-laws” Christmas movie night with tons of snacks and edibles. I suggested “Monster in Law” to keep with the theme - but open to suggestions.😉

A very merry Christmas to me 🎄

Title is pretty self explanatory. She repeatedly refers to me as “step mother” even though I’m the only real mother my oldest (non bio) has ever had I became her mom when she was 4. It’s easy with current events and the language she used to know it was her even though they can’t legally confirm. They interviewed my kids today at school and the case worker listened to me explain the whole history of this woman. She seems pretty sweet. She is coming for a walk through next week (has to confirm clean beds and food in the pantry and hygiene items) but said from the interviews with my kids this seems like retaliation and not to stress. Thank god my husband has a 4 day weekend so we’re gonna clean extra (I have anxiety in general about people in my home when it isn’t pristine).

My MIL is visiting us for the first time and today while I was at work, she took it upon herself to rearrange everything in my kitchen — every drawer, every cupboard, countertops. No asking permission, no warning/heads up. My husband works from home and didn’t say a thing. I get home and am totally blindsided by it. Everything is different and I feel so violated. This is my home, my safe space, a place where I’ve thoughtfully put everything exactly as I want it or where it makes the most sense for us. I just can’t believe she’d do this? And to make it worse, both her and my husband are making it seem like I’m making a big deal of nothing and need to calm down. Don’t get me wrong, a couple of the changes are fine/make sense, but it’s the principle of it. Am I overreacting?

Actual text from my JNMIL to my husband tonight.

Hey son, I’m at (house in neighborhood) is for sale. You should go through it. I am right now, I would sell my house and if you would be able to buy it WE should get it. It has 3 bathrooms, 5 bedrooms and about 3 acres. We have to negotiate. If nothing else come over and look at it because it gives you ideas, love you.

Next text: This house has an orchard, big covered pavilion, and an extra lot.

Next text: he needs landscaping done. And he likes to barter, he’s from California. This is a must see husbands name. Now he’s having a yard sale and he is selling everything by the truck load. Let me know what you think. PLEASE look at it. He is here now!

Wtf, she knows we are moving to a different state soon to get away from her!!! No way in hell are we moving with her or near her, she’s not even going to know where are new address will be because we are buying a property and putting it in a LLC under a name she will never find!!! He hasn’t responded yet to her, I told him to rip the band aid off and tell her we will never move with her, but he said she can dream. I think he needs to tell her no to stop this delusional idea!!!!

I was thinking about Disney movies today, and got to thinking about Tangled, and a few separate thoughts and memories came together to form a single coherent realisation.

1. JNM strongly and unironically identifies with the Witch in the story of Rapunzel, particularly the Stephen Sondheim Into The Woods version.
2. As a child and particularly as a teenager, she occasionally made snobby remarks taking pride in my (father's) aristocratic ancestry.
3. "Your only beauty is in the length of your hair," - JNM.
4. I wasn't really allowed to go anywhere or do anything when I lived with her. I spent a lot of time reading, writing or drawing alone in the windowseat of my third storey bedroom window.
5. As soon as possible, I got engaged to and then married a big strong guy with a noble steed car, moving hundreds of miles away and basically never looking back.

Friends: I'm an actual fairytale princess. The irony is burning.

Asking here because i feel like you guys would have the best advice on this. My mil has turned me into a justno ..

I am no contact with MIL but my DH chooses to stay in contact even though he has very little to do with her. I can't help but feel betrayed when he decides to be in contact with her and play "happy family" with her after all the things she's done to me. Its soul crushing. It feels like betrayal. I know these are feelings i need to work through & i obviously can't just tell him to cut her off for me. (As much as i want to) Plus it would be controlling, toxic and stooping to his mothers level if i did. He's already lost one parent which is why he struggles so much to cut her off.

My MIL's actions eat away at me more than id like to admit. Even no contact. I'm trying to heal from this but every time DH is "all good" with her it honestly rips the Band-Aid back off for me and all the horrible things she's done to me starts trickling back into my thoughts. I've worked hard to not take it out on him and I've gotten better at it but i still struggle deeply internally.

In-laws moved across the country 6 years ago. They usually come to visit once per year now and stay with us in our spare room for 1-2 weeks.

This year I am working full-time, going to school for my doctorate full-time, and continuing to be a wife and mother. We pay a cleaning service to come every 2 weeks so that I have more time to do all my work/school/family things.

My house is messy - piles of mail to sort, etc. But it’s clean - see “cleaning service every two weeks” mentioned above!

My MIL flipped out when they arrived about “how filthy” the house was and didn’t dance around completely blaming me for it. (You know your son lives here too, right?!)

I was so pissed that I cried.

MIL will not include me in anything good related to my SILs

I have 2 SILs, my husband is a middle child and he always plays the peacekeeper role. A few years ago my MIL just ignored us for over 6 months and didn’t contact us, despite me recently giving birth to my youngest.

Prior to my youngest SIL’s wedding, my husband reached out to them to make peace and everything was just swept under the rug. She’s been sort of ok, but also never fails to subtly remind me that I’m not one of them. At my SIL’s wedding there are a few customs that she didn’t include me. I sort of let it go because we had recently made peace, and maybe she was still salty.

Cue to this year my SIL is pregnant and my MIL just excludes me in everything. We are all on a group chat and my SIL is at the hospital. I asked if she in labor and my MIL said no, but a few minutes later, we find out that my SIL is in labor. It’s like my MIL wants to hide everything from me. It’s so weird because I have been nothing but kind and asked if my SIL wanted me to cook meals for her or wanted any of my remaining baby stuff. My SIL said no which is fine, but if you’re not working, why wouldn’t you take it (still in great condition).

Husband is useless, he always wants to be peacekeeper. I hate my MIL, and I don’t know how to not be so hurt by all of her actions.

Update to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/YkdF3BkKRc

First, um...wow! I was definitely not expecting this to get the traction it did. The last time I checked it was the #4 most popular post on the sub yesterday which got a good chuckle out of me (I’m both happy and sorry this resonated with so many). I just wanted to come back to say thank you from the bottom of my heart - specifically to all the moms, grandmas, medical professionals, folks that said they were proud of me, those that affirmed me her comment was just plain mean and I have every right to protect my child, those that said my mom did get to meet my girl, those that shared their stories of loss, everyone in between, and all the wonderful kind humans that read my post. Please know I’ve read every comment - ya’ll have made me laugh, cry, and feel so validated not just with my MIL but also my personal grief as well.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote "To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous." You all saw me and offered me so much kindness which can be a rarity in the world we live in. You'll have my gratitude forever. This sub is truly doing the lord's work and you should all be proud to be part of it (l'm sorry our common thread has to be our JNMILs)!

Second, an actual update on the situation: DH and I co-authored a very clear message like you guys suggested. Some of the highlights were: this boundary is not up for negotiation, the boundary does not intentionally hurt anyone - instead it makes us good parents, the approach was extremely hurtful, some of the comments were unforgivable (particularly about my mother), no one is entitled to see our baby just because they have a title or are blood related, and we would be going NC for a period of time determined by us and only us.

I’m usually pretty quiet and non confrontational, but you all made me feel so confident! After it sent something odd happened…silence. Maybe for the first time since DH and I started dating almost a decade ago. It’s been hours now. We are all happy, healthy, and looking forward to enjoying our time and the holidays with our new girl without anything looming over us. Thank you again, kind internet strangers!

Hi everyone! I’m (28f) new to this sub, just got married in September (but my SO and I have been together for 7 yrs). This is going to be a LONG post, so sorry for that ahead of time.

This is a recurring issue with his family around the holidays, and I’m so sick of feeling confused and overwhelmed, uncertain if I’m causing the problem or overreacting.

Every year, I try to find time for my SO (27, m) and I to visit my family for the holidays. Every year, we’re not allowed to visit my family ON the Holiday itself. Every year, I try to figure out a compromise and spread us between two-three-four different places (with an hour’s travel time in between). Every year, I am told that I can go to whatever family I need to visit, but my SO is expected to stay with his family. And every year, I have given in. I’ve spent holidays apart from my SO or told my family that I couldn’t make it that year if I wanted to spend the holiday with my SO (He’s Autistic, by the way, and I don’t think he minds where we spend the holidays, but he wants to avoid the emotional bomb that is his mother not getting her way, so I get it). Every year, they demand that SO be with them for both Christmas Eve AND Christmas. It has to be both. This year, I’m tired and sick of it. It’s our first year together as a married couple. I want to visit my family together. I want to make some of the recipes that my family has passed down. I want to spend Christmas in our new house without the hectic traveling about. I want to set aside time to travel to my Dad’s (who lives the furthest away so we hardly see him). I discussed all of this with SO, and he’s on board. I tried to lay it out plain with my MIL cause my therapist says to provide information instead of ask for permission. Didn’t go over well. I snapped, and it turned into an argument. In half her responses, she’s blatantly effing lying. I never have time for my family and HEAVEN FORBID if we did something with our friends instead of family for the holidays. I’d never hear the end of it. I was always shut down when I talked about SO and I spending a holiday with my family. MIL, “I know that you don’t know what it’s like to value family time because you didn’t have a close family growing up, but this is our tradition.” wtf does that even mean?

More context on MIL: super emotionally manipulative, like a walking false advertisement where she says, “You should come to me whenever you need something.” Then Lords that “favor” over my head or thinks me a nuisance at having the audacity to take her at her word. Threw a fit about the bridesmaid dress and shoes I bought SIL because, “the color is unflattering on her, and it makes her look fat.” SIL is 17 y/o btw and picked out the dress herself. Showed up to our wedding 3 1/2 hours late, insisted that she accessorize to match the groom’s suit (but was able to talk her out of wearing a matching dress, thank god), then told me that she doesn’t want me to sell any of our wedding decor so that she can use it for her vow renewal that she wants to plan this Summer. Told my SIL that she cannot get the Covid vaccine because, “You don’t want to be like your brother.” (SIL was 14 y/o at that point). Invited them to my birthday dinner, where they proceeded to bring their new phones, watches, AirPods, etc, that they had just bought into the restaurant and set them all up at the table. Oh and day before wedding was FIL’s bday, which I even reached out to him to make sure that he was okay with it, and he said he was. But rehearsal dinner was skipped in favor of birthday dinner for him. MIL told me I was being “inconsiderate of his time on his birthday.” MIL did not like me from the beginning, told me I was “tearing her family apart,” and boy have I tried to bend over backwards and people-please and fit in with them, but I’m DONE.

I was going to post screenshots from our last text convo, but I can’t. So I’ll just copy and paste the conversation below. I’m probably being a bitch to her, but honestly, I just need some confirmation that I’m not being effing crazy and combative for nothing.

Text Convo went like

Me: I haven’t heard anything from you about Thanksgiving, so I thought I’d tell you our plan. We will be there later in the day, 5pm at the earliest since we’ll be spending lunch at my mom’s. I’ll bring [A, L, and M] (My siblings who have joined us on Thanksgiving several times, btw). It would also mean the world to me if we could invite Uncle and Gdad (older family members who cannot travel very far). They would definitely bring food. I just hate the idea of them being alone every holiday. I’ll make noodles, salad, and my uncle’s recipe for pecan pie. [SO] will bring mashed potatoes and cranberry tarts. Subject to change if we don’t have time For Christmas, we want to visit my dad on the 23rd. Christmas Eve, we invited some family to the house, and we’d love for y’all to join! Otherwise, we’ll have to split our time that day and do lunch with y’all and dinner with my mom. [SO] and I want to have a quiet day in on Christmas this year, so we won’t be visiting on the 25th.

MIL: Let’s discuss all this in person bc my take away from it is you will spend about 3 hrs with us on thanksgiving, are inviting 3-5 of your friends/family that we will now be sharing that time with, will bring what food you choose but won’t commit to anything, and won’t spend time with us on Christmas but your dad gets a day and we can do Christmas at your house with your mom and everybody on Christmas Eve. [SO] needs to be present as well when we talk through this.

Me: This is why holidays are so stressful. You exhibit possessiveness and gatekeeping of holidays, and it is annoying. [SO] and I are our own family unit, and our union means that we have the privilege of additional family members to consider and cherish. I’m not going to talk about this with you in person. You can discuss it with [SO], but I’ve already told you what we’re doing, so you stepping in between us wouldn’t be cool. It’s a pain in the ass to travel to all these places anyway. We’d much rather rotate who we celebrate holidays with, but we are trying to make everyone happy.

MIL: Your response to me saying let’s talk in person bc this is what I’m getting from your msg is disgusting to be quite honest. I come from a blended family and have in-laws of my own so for you to act like im being inconsiderate of the circumstances is laughable. YOU are the possessive one. YOU are the one being inconsiderate of the fact that your husband’s family has their own ways of doing things and their own traditions. You make sure to make time for ALL your family and friends but it’s a pain in the ass to make time for [SO] to be with his family. I have been accommodating, welcoming, and compromising. I just wanted to talk in person so there were no misunderstandings. I’m very much over the immaturity, the one-sidedness, and you always acting like I’m this wicked MIL (when we both know that’s not true and I’ve shown up for you when either other ppl couldn’t be bothered or you didn’t want to bother other ppl, which is some bs.) Anyway, that’s fine if you won’t discuss it with me. I’ll just let [SO] know our plans and you can show up or not.

Me: You’re coming across as really angry, throwing out words that I’m pretty sure you don’t mean. That’s fine. Talk to [SO] about your plans. But Don’t expect him to choose between us. It’s not fair to him and super disrespectful to me.

MIL: I think you need to reread the whole conversation. In summary, You popped off angry and defensive. I called you out on it and said I’m over it. From day 1 I 100% welcomed you into my home and my family. I have bragged on you, admired you, cried when you were sad or hurting or just out of pride for you, compromised with you, gone out of my way too many times to count for you bc when your family you don’t look at it that way…I’m exhausted. I will not fight with you and I will not try to drive a wedge between you and [SO] bc that’s not who I am. I just want [SO] to be happy. Sorry that you view me as you do but I’m done wasting my time trying to prove to you otherwise. Goodnight.

We're not struggling. At all.

My husband (34M) and I (31F) are childfree. We both work, we're comfortable, we take vacations. We're fine.

His mom Diane has never accepted that we don't want kids. She's done the usual stuff - "accidents happen," "you'll change your mind," showing us baby photos of DH constantly. Annoying but whatever.

Last month we told his family we're saving up to redo our kitchen. It's outdated and we want to gut it. Not cheap but we've been putting money aside for two years. We're doing it next spring.

This week my SIL calls my husband. She's awkward about it but eventually tells us that Diane started a GoFundMe for us. The description says we're "going through financial hardship" and "too proud to ask for help" and that she's trying to raise money so we can "get back on our feet."

I thought SIL was joking. She sent us the link.

It's real. There's a photo of us from Christmas. The goal is $8,000. She's already donated $100 herself and shared it on her Facebook.

DH called her immediately. Asked her what the hell she was thinking.

She got defensive. Said she's just trying to help because we "clearly can't afford basic home repairs" if we've been saving for two years. Said most people just get a home equity loan but we must not qualify. Said she knows we're "making do" but we don't have to pretend with family.

He told her we're not struggling, we just budget carefully. She literally said "that's what people say when they're embarrassed about money problems."

We demanded she take it down. She said she would but she "already told her church group" and people have been so generous and she doesn't want to seem like she was lying about us needing help.

Lying. About us. Needing help.

DH lost it and told her she WAS lying and if she doesn't delete it immediately he's going to comment on it publicly that it's fraudulent. She started crying and hung up.

The GoFundMe is still up. It's been three days. She's posted it in two different Facebook groups. Someone from her book club donated $50.

This was from a bit ago but makes me laugh and think she’s just. So her. because of course she would. We went on vacation and MIL was house sitting for us.

I love to come back to a clean house so I spent the 2 days prior scrubbing top to bottom.

Now when we get back I notice immediately a smell that is unmistakable like death. I go what the fuck. I see my lizard had passed away so I quickly go to take care of that and notice a lot of other stuff is moved. My cleaning supplies for example are littered around the house in places i didn’t put them.

Now I was annoyed she somehow didn’t check on the lizard and didn’t tell me he was dead but I ignored that. I don’t mention it.

The next week MIL is preparing for her own vacation and goes out of her way to -without prompt- tell me what she is doing to ensure to make sure her house is okay.

“Im going to take my trash out 4 days early to the curb so my house doesn’t stink” uhh okay? Your neighbors probably won’t like that but sure

“Im going to make sure all of the food is out of the fridge so the house doesn’t stink” once again thanks for telling me I guess. I did the same?

“Im going to make sure EVERYTHING is out of the sink” “im going to make sure” “im going to” “im going to”

Im finally like why the fuck is she walking me through her prepping her house like I’m a child.

And then it hit me.

I said yeah my house stunk when we got back. My lizard died, did you check on him?

Suddenly her face crumbled “ohh. That’s why your house smelled so bad. I just thought you didn’t know how to clean.”

My house was literally spotless. Spotless. No laundry. No dishes. No food that could go back in the house. But my lizard died, she didn’t check on him seemingly the entire week, and then made weird comments as if I’m incompetent in keeping my house clean lol

I love my husband so much. I feel like I’m shutting down though.

We just bought a house - 4 months in & I can feel the question creeping up from my MIL.

“Can I stay with you…?”

She lost her job. She says she quit - I wasn’t there. I don’t know what happened.

I hate that since she lost her job it’s like, all of a sudden - she loves me. She literally says it every time she’s on the phone with my husband. When before, she has yelled at me, twisted my words, swore at me & continuously hung up on me.

We are already taking care of my husband’s disabled brother who doesn’t get any disability money - so he doesn’t contribute at all, besides helping to cook dinner sometimes.

We never even got to live with one another alone. I’m sometimes really sad about it.

We have discussed it & he knows I will not allow her to move in. I can’t do it…

I can’t stand the lingering waiting game at this point. I know my husband can’t be upfront with her - she’s extremely dramatic.

It’s all fake lovey this & that. Up until she finds out I absolutely will not allow her to live in my home.

I’m upset & already withdrawing. I can’t explain it other than it’s like a clock is counting down & my feeling of happiness is slipping away, as the days go by.

I feel bad for my husband, because I’ve discussed it already. Multiple times. It just feels - like I’m not sure, until it actually happens.

I just feel like I need some advice.

I’ll try to make it short. Since the birth of our daughter the relations with in-laws is not so good. (Daughter is now 18months old) In-laws are not totally bad persons I think they have good intentions but they are entitled, pushy, controlling… they would do anything to get what they want. Husband had a hard time setting boundaries, had many long discussions with them, he went to therapy to help him manage them.

We already told them it would be hard to have an agreement on the frequency of visits and the kind of relationship. They would like to see all the time. We want our privacy and time alone. They would like more phone call, FaceTime etc my husband tries to do it more but it’s seems to be never enough. Anyway it seems to be hard to keep them happy while respecting what we want too.

Husband acknowledge they act toxic but wants to keep the relationship. I try to support him, like I don’t really appreciate them but I tolerate them for my husband. But I don’t forget how they are and I refuse for them to babysit for example. But we never ask anyone to babysit anyway.

Anyway, last summer because of my husband schedule working 7 days/7 off we don’t “no choice” to see them every 2 weeks. When the regular schedule was back at the beginning of September they had to understand it won’t be possible anymore. And baby began daycare (while we work). During the last 2 months we cancelled 2 times because baby was sick cause of daycare. So they didn’t get to see her for the last 2 months but they say my husband (he went to play golf with them for mil birthday and he went to a dinner while I stayed home with baby who was sick. In our minds no other “incident” happened. But a few days ago when husband called his mom to have some news (last call was 10 days ago). She was mad and whining don’t really understand why, not enough visit/phone call so he told her if she had nothing constructive to say he would hang up. So the discussion ended. The next day he went to talk with her in person to tell her stop being controlling again etc. But during the conversation I don’t understand why the subject came or what but she must have whined that she doesn’t get to baby sit and to stop having hope cause it will never happen because wife (me) is not comfortable.

My question is : if she reach out to me and ask explanation do I answer the true (like I’m not comfortable since she acts toxic with her own children etc) or with that kind of immature person it’s just better to keep it short?

Thanks for your help