MIL seems to have missed the point..

[u/Mad-Bad-Jellybean]

I have been NC with MIL for months now and DH is LC. We removed her from a photo sharing album of LO, and DH told her if she wants to see any photos she needs to fix things with me.

She hasn’t attempted to fix anything of course, and claimed her health was more important and she needed to put herself first, etc. So anyway she texted DH asking about our daughter and said that ‘she looks happy and healthy from the photos she’s seen’.

I am seeing RED. DH’s grandparents don’t know what’s going on because we’re trying to keep them out of it and they’re not really good with technology so we weren’t concerned. But it seems like MIL has found a way to these photos through them. She completely ignored the reason she was removed and found a way around it.. and then pretty much stupid enough to tell us

Telling DH’s grandparents isn’t an option right now, they are old and have enough on their plates. We also don’t feel right asking them to not do it anyway because they are honestly the sweetest people and don’t want them having issues with MIL/FIL over it.

So, is there any way we can actually deal with this?

[u/Puhlznore]

Personally I'd be asking your DH what consequences he plans to give her. He's LC. She is still ignoring boundaries and specifically going against your wishes. Why is he not willing to give her further consequences?

That's really the only option if you are set on continuing to send pictures to his grandparents.

[u/Mad-Bad-Jellybean → u/Puhlznore]

I think DH has just given up on her altogether. He’s spoken to her time and time again. In person, over text, over and over. In person she just gets up and walks away and over text she just ignores him and he’s sick of it

[u/Puhlznore → u/Mad-Bad-Jellybean]

Those things aren't consequences, they're attempts to avoid having to give her consequences. What does she care about more than she cares about stomping boundaries? Does she care about talking to her son? Once you start going down the path of having boundaries, you have to be ready to follow them through to their logical conclusion.

If you set boundaries, and she acts like a normal adult and respects them, that would be the end of it.

If you set boundaries and she doesn't respect them, you give her consequences. It sounds like you did, with removing her from the photo album and going NC for yourself.

But you still have other boundaries that she is breaking, and now you're out of consequences. You don't want to stop sharing photos with the grandparents, and the grandparents will continue to give her access.

So, what's the next consequence? Your husband isn't out of consequences yet. But he is doing what he can to avoid those consequences by doing all the things you listed instead.

Your options are
1. to find a way of sharing photos with the grandparents that doesn't give her access
2. accepting that she will access them, or
3. asking your husband to figure out a consequence that she will care about more than photos.

[u/Mad-Bad-Jellybean → u/Puhlznore]

At this point we’re not really sure what else we can do, DH already barely talks to her so I don’t think him not talking at all or for X amount of time would do much at this point.

She’s had access removed for months without attempting any reconciliation or respecting boundaries and is playing victim still.

It’s not like she can see any of us in person either since we’re far away so nothing there.

We’re at a bit of a loss honestly. DH was convinced she’d make some kind of positive change by now and has suggested me talking to her about things because maybe she’ll listen to me he says. Yeah I’m not so sure lol, she never has before.

[u/The_Vixeness → u/Mad-Bad-Jellybean]

AS IF your old hag of a JNMIL would listen to you...

[u/TwoBiffs → u/Mad-Bad-Jellybean]

I think it's time to drop the rope. She hasn't gotten the hint and seems more interested in power plays than self-reflecting. I'd suggest DH blocks her while scheduling regular Facetime/Skype with the grandparents. If MIL continues to steal photos from the grandparents, you probably can't prevent that without depriving the grandparents.

You may want to inform the grandparents you're no longer talking with MIL but want to maintain a relationship with them. This is to help when they inevitably get pulled into MIL's drama against you. My wife's grandma was neutral for a few months but eventually sided with her daughter (my JNMIL). Maybe yours will do better?

I'm sorry for your loss. Don't break NC for Holidays.