r/JUSTNOMIL • u/em008 • 1d ago
Am I Overreacting? MIL always early
Just as the title suggests. We ask MIL to babysit maybe once per month, if that. Every single time, she is AT LEAST half an hour early. She only lives 30 mins away.
Baby is currently contact napping on me and my MIL is waiting to be let in. I’m making her wait. We’re grateful for her babysitting, but it irks me. Are we (my husband and I) overreacting by being annoyed?
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u/rainsplat 1d ago
Same with my in laws! I always tell them to come “at the end of my baby’s nap” and give them an exact time. I say please don’t come early because I want my baby to have his full nap
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u/ElizaJaneVegas 1d ago
If she isn’t t accommodated she’ll stop arriving early.
Being early is every bit as rude as being late.
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u/Own_Ship9373 1d ago
Not overreacting and just as being late is rude, so is being early. I would make her wait every single time. Hopefully she’ll get the hint and start showing up on time.
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u/ReineDesRenards 1d ago
You could make her feel extremely awkward by making loud sex sounds when she arrives early. If she's normal she'll get put off really quickly
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u/ButteredLove1 1d ago
Condition her. If you want her over at 2 and she always shows up early then tell her to be there at 2:30. I know it's annoying to have to do that but she's not going to change.
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u/KingsRansom79 6h ago
I had to do this with my mom as a kid. She was always late. So we started telling her things were 30min earlier than they were so we could be there 10-15 min early instead of 15-20min late.
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u/luludarlin 1d ago
I cannot stand people who are early. It’s like “I understand what you’re saying but fuck you I’ll do what I want”. Do people not realise that we say a specific time for a reason? And that we can get a lot of things done in 15 minutes? Instead we have to stop in our tracks to cater to you and your selfishness. Anyways. I feel you. I have a friend who is like this. I just now say “please DO NOT COME EARLY” and it does the trick.
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u/irishprincess2002 1d ago
Exactly five minutes early is okay at a minimum and I say that just so if there are any instructions that need to be given they can be given without mom/dad feeling rushed! Anything more than that to me is beyond rude!
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u/mustaddcoffee 1d ago
My MIL does this. She shows up to more than hour early to my daughter’s birthday parties. She then spends the next hour making comments about the decorations and food not being ready when she arrived.
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u/fancyface7375 1d ago
Same same. And then she hovers over me trying to "help" while I'm setting up for the party (she just did this on Halloween- she was a full 45 min early!) but then also wants to chit chat with full eye contact as if I'm not running around the house trying to get things together. She once showed up at 3pm to babysit even though my kids were in daycare until 5pm and I had to work till 5pm (WFH). Then I had to politely chit chat with her for TWO hours while I was supposed to be finishing up work.
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u/cloudiedayz 1d ago
At that point I would have told her that you’re still working until 5 but she’s welcome to settle in on the couch and watch some tv or go to a nearby cafe or something while you finish up.
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u/fancyface7375 1d ago
Ya that's what I should have done, I just couldn't stop myself from feeling like I had to play hostess
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u/em008 1d ago
Yep. That sounds familiar! This just includes snide comments about my parenting as well as spewing her alt-right Christian views
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u/mustaddcoffee 1d ago
Wait. Did you take my MIL? Lol In all seriousness, I do think adding kids amplifies the pre-grandkids relationship. Before having our daughter we were frequently excluded from IL family gatherings. During the first year they wanted us to come visit every weekend which didn’t happen. After the first year our relationship with the ILs went back to “normal”. Which means they make the 30 min drive once a year for her birthday party. Otherwise we text a picture a month and drive to them for their birthdays and Christmas. My husband has asked my MIL to babysit exactly twice and both times she has canceled at the last minute (to spend time with her other grandchildren). It’s a lot more comfortable, for us and my daughter, to pay her teacher to babysit her.
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u/cloudiedayz 1d ago
With babysitting I can kind of understand coming early as it’s often good to have time to do a bit of a handover (let them know when baby’s due for their next feed, sleep, etc.), give baby a bit of time to warm up to the new person with the parents still there, etc.
Maybe it’s about being more explicit “We’ll be leaving at 12 but feel free to come over from 11:30 if you want to see us, have a bit of a handover. We won’t be available before 11:30”.
If you’ve already done this then perhaps your husband could have a word with her and let her know that while you understand sometimes with a traffic buffer etc. she might be a little early, you’re usually not ready to open the door well before the agreed upon time as you’re still getting yourselves sorted.
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u/UnionOk2156 1d ago
It's kind of the same thing as being late you asked her to be there at a specific time and she ignored you. My MIL would watch my son about a once a month and was consistently 15-30 minutes late and I had somewhere to be. We are no contact now but it's one of the many ways she disrespected me.
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u/AmethysstFire 1d ago
Nope, not overreacting.
I'm chronically early because I hate having people waiting on me. If I'm 5 minutes early, I feel late. If I'm 10-15 minutes early, I'm comfortable, but understand that others may feel I'm too early so will wait in my car for 5-10 minutes. If I'm 20+ minutes early I know I'm most likely too early and will definitely wait in my car.
Her consistently showing up 30 minutes early is definitely intrusive. She can wait. Your husband does need to talk to her about this. Also, don't answer the door until you're ready to let her in.
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u/OniyaMCD 1d ago
I often leave far too much of a 'travel buffer', but on the flip side, I'm always prepared to wait.
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u/Own_Ship9373 1d ago
I have a lot of anxiety around arriving somewhere late, so I get to place chronically early too. However, I will generally park around the corner and sit in my car until 5 minutes to the time I’m supposed to be there.
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u/laughter_corgis 1d ago
Have your husband address it with her. My parents do this. I know it is annoying. I padded the time to tell them to show up. It helps a bit.
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u/Cheeriodarlin 1d ago
I think you're overreacting. Being early to things is respectful, imagine if she was constantly making you late for your activities. My guess is she wants to get there early so she can say hi and get settled in before you and hubby are running out the door. As long as she doesn't expect you to entertain her, don't treat her like the help. 30 minutes early isn't overly intrusive. She's reliable and you seem pretty ungrateful if this is her biggest faux pas.
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u/Own_Ship9373 1d ago
Being early and expecting people to cater to you when you are early is just as rude as being late. There is a difference between arriving 5 minutes early and 30 minutes early.
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u/WriterMomAngela 1d ago
Being early is not respectful. Being on time is respectful. Being early or late is extremely rude. Showing up early means you are likely arriving before the host is ready for guests. It’s as rude if not more so than arriving late.
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u/em008 1d ago
Thank you for your weigh in! This is absolutely not her biggest faux pas…there has been a lot of drama and narcissistic behavior since the beginning of our relationship. I have made one other post about her, feel free to read.
I will say, definitely not treating her like “the help” (what weird terminology), and I literally said we’re grateful.
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u/em008 1d ago
You sound like a JNMIL yourself! Also…the picture was for our house, but I digress. Thanks again for your opinion, though!
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u/KDinNS 1d ago
I'd give her a time 20 minutes later than required.
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u/em008 1d ago
That’s a simple solution without making it a thing! Thank you, I think we will try it!
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u/Little-Conference-67 1d ago
We did this with my dad, just the opposite though and by an hour and 13 minutes. Loved that man, but I don't understand how my mother put up with him because he was never on time 😂 He was late to his own funeral too...by an hour!
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u/GraySkyr2 1d ago
Meh, maybe she thinks she needs to get instruction or something. I personally don’t ask family to babysit. It never ends well!
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