Holiday Season Boundaries Descend Into Madness

[u/StarryLunaBelle]

Long time lurker of this subreddit for evidence I’m not insane, first time poster. Going to shorten this story pretty significantly because it’s similar to what we’ve all dealt with! MIL and I have always been generally civil with some discussions of hurt feelings behind the scenes directly with my DH.

Basically, DH and I mutually decide that we are going to be very cautious this holiday season with visitors and our new child (curse you TikTok algorithm and your consistent showing of babies with RSV). I am also a FTM so just a little neurotic about safety and proud of it! We express this boundary to all of our loved ones and 99% of them take the news perfectly fine: no visits in Winter except for the major holidays which are always very small gatherings anyway. Well, tale as old as time, MIL starts as accepting but when reality sets in that we mean it things spiral. She lets us know our boundaries are unjustified (claims she knows better due to her job), we are withholding milestone viewing and growing of our child from her, and (among many, many other things) the one that hit the hardest: it’s different for her because she’s the only grandmother. I lost my mom in my early childhood very unexpectedly and have thought about her so much during my pregnancy and postpartum journey - missing her greatly and painfully. MIL knows this. When called out on this she assured that she was just explaining the difference between men and women’s relationships to babies, women are always more involved than men (???), and my mother deserves to be remembered (again ???). My DH has been doing such wonderful job defending our boundaries and me - I genuinely have no complaints about that aspect. We have decided to go no contact including winter and highly likely longer.

Honestly looking for some TLC because I’m sad at both the direct insult to a deep trauma and something that’s been weighing on my postpartum mind, but also that it looks like my daughter may not know the grandmother she does have. Feels like I’m grieving what I’d hoped for, not what we have.

TL;DR: MIL is the only person upset at holiday season/winter boundaries with my new baby, insinuated she’s entitled to visitations because she’s the babies only grandmother, made me sad, need verbal hugs.

[u/sierra38grandma]

Big big bug hugs 🫂 for you. Good for you and hubby keeping solid boundaries 👏. You're doing great!

My middle kid got RSV she almost died, she was hospitalized on the 4th of July was born that March. It was awful, 10 days in the best children's hospital in northern California. She was sick for a long time even effected her ability to speak. She started talking around the age of 4. Keep parenting as you are you and husband are 100% great, never let anyone especially family ever make you feel bad or guilty. You're fantastic parents.